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Twin Sons, Different Paths: How to Help My Unmotivated Son?

Prof Suvasish

Prof Suvasish Mukhopadhyay  |231 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Nov 12, 2024

Professor Suvasish Mukhopadhyay, fondly known as ‘happiness guru’, is a mentor and author with 33 years of teaching experience.
He has guided and motivated graduate and postgraduate students in science and technology to choose the right course and excel in their careers.
Professor Suvasish has authored 47 books and counselled thousands of students and individuals about tackling challenges in their careers and relationships in his three-decade-long professional journey.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 12, 2024Hindi
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Career

Here's a rewritten version with corrections and improvements for clarity: "I have 27-year-old twin sons. Despite providing equal opportunities, they've chosen different paths. One graduated in Journalism and Mass Communication and successfully transitioned into animation and VFX. However, the other son, a Mechanical Engineering graduate from a reputable college, hesitates to enter the professional world. Previously, he showed creative inclinations in school and even trained in photography under Mr. Raghu Rai. After college, he could have persuaded his passion for photography enter into the professional world but did not do. Neither he entered into the world of engineering. He developed an interest in philosophy (Kafka, Nietzsche, Sartre) and world cinema (Satyajit Ray, Godard, Akira Kurosawa) and limited himself to the room. His behavior gradually has become concerning - he's dishonest and makes excuses. He left for Mumbai with a forged letter from a TV channel, but couldn't sustain himself and moved to Pune to live with my nephew, claiming he'd learn coding for an IT job. However, he soon ran away from Pune and returned, saying he's preparing for a job but struggling with luck. As I approach my 70s, I'm struggling to support him financially and emotionally. His dishonesty is particularly troubling. Please advise on how to address this situation."

Ans: You need to consult a famous Psychiatrist for him. I can refer him to Dr. Manjari Dikshit of Pune Hospital near Deccan Gymkhana Pune. GOD BLESS HIM. Regards. Professor
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Asked by Anonymous - May 20, 2023Hindi
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I'm 66 yrs old retired having two sons, both married according to their choice. My wife 60 going to retire in a couple of months. My elder son who is a Bank executive married since 10 years and issueless. The younger son working as an executive in KPMG married since 4 years and having a child. Due some misunderstanding with the their wives the sons are at times not in talking terms with us. My sons are also not in talking terms with each other. In the recent days the elder son directly instigated not to keep contact with the younger one because he did not like our closeness with him. We are put into dilemma and unable to convince both the children to reconcile the situation. Please advise.
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the strained relationships between your sons and their wives, as well as the tension between your sons themselves. Here are some suggestions that may help:

Open and honest communication: Encourage open and honest communication between all family members. Try to create a safe and non-judgmental environment where everyone can express their thoughts, concerns, and feelings. Act as a mediator, actively listening to each party and facilitating productive discussions.

Family counseling: Consider seeking the help of a family counselor or therapist who specializes in resolving family conflicts. A professional can provide guidance and help navigate the complexities of the situation, facilitating healthier communication and promoting understanding among family members.

Individual conversations: Have one-on-one conversations with each of your sons to understand their perspectives and concerns. Encourage them to share their feelings openly and without interruption. This can help you gain insight into their individual experiences and provide a foundation for finding common ground.

Encourage empathy and understanding: Emphasize the importance of empathy and understanding in resolving conflicts. Help your sons and their spouses see things from each other's perspectives, fostering compassion and promoting reconciliation.

Promote shared experiences: Find opportunities for your sons and their families to spend time together in a neutral and relaxed environment. Encourage activities that promote bonding, such as family outings, celebrations, or vacations. Creating positive shared experiences can help rebuild connections and mend relationships.

Set boundaries: While it's important to encourage reconciliation, it's equally important to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Ensure that everyone understands the need for respect and mutual consideration, both within the family and between the spouses. Reinforce the importance of maintaining healthy relationships while respecting individual autonomy.

Lead by example: Show your sons and their spouses that you value and prioritize healthy relationships. Demonstrate positive communication, respect, and understanding in your own interactions with them and with your wife. Lead by example and encourage them to do the same.

Remember, resolving family conflicts takes time, effort, and understanding from all parties involved. It may be helpful to seek professional guidance from a family therapist who can provide tailored advice based on a deeper understanding of your family dynamics.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 06, 2024Hindi
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Madam, I have two sons, one aged 22 yrs (is working as a computer hardware support executive and is working hard) and another, aged 17 years (just appearing for his 12th std board exams in Commerce stream). I have obtained a divorce from my wife in sept 2023, after a legal process of 15 months. The divorce was a result of extra marital relationship by my wife for several years and she abruptly leaving the house in april 2022 without proper good byes and without "settling" my sons. My sons have been pulling on so long since they do not want me to get depressed. Particularly the younger one is apparently just going through life as a formality. Could you kindly suggest me how to keep them afloat and motivated, and retain / develop the zest which they had earlier
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
This is really sad and I can only imagine what you and the boys must be going through.
Any parent/loved one leaving without a trace does not offer closure and as much as the three of you have moved on, it can get tough making the mind understand and why it all happened.
There is NO clear answer to a WHY as it can only be derived out of one's own perceptions; hence make a story that helps you all move on...
1. Sit down with the boys and instead of reasoning out with them as to WHY it all happened, try and focus on WHAT NEXT?
This transition from WHY to WHAT NEXT brings out a series of options that guide you to transition into the next phase of life. It's not easy BUT possible only if you make that humble attempt.
2. Each of you need to heal from what's happened and the only way that is going to happen if you move into a positive space looking forward to what's in store for you.
3. The boys will slowly move on with career and other stuff BUT do make sure to tell them that 'not all women make similar choices'...this is to ensure that they go on to have healthy relationships in future. Motivate your younger one to join sports/gym; this ensures that he displaces any seething anger that he is carrying. If this does not work, take him to a professional who can help him through the struggle hat he is facing.
4. On your part, move into a space where you have a good social circle and thrive in your work as well. Seeing this, your boys will move away from taking care of you to supporting you. One step at a time...

All the best!

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 19, 2024Hindi
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Child counselling - psychological and career guidance Background:- My son is soon going to enter his teen age in couple of months. I’m a widow with no assistance from both sides of the family. My sons been in boarding all along however last year I brought him back, took a career backseat Working from home, dedicating all my time todays him. Off late bad company at school is influencing him and has resulted into major issues pertaining to behaviour and disrespect towards teachers, other parents and me. He doesn’t feel guilty or acknowledge the fact that he needs to stop being a bully and be the sane kind caring child he use to be. Tried someone free counselling it back fired. Education grades are dropping and he’s got no inclination towards academics. He’s interested in things that can’t earn him a career option. He was in Igcse board and has to move him to cbse so struggling with school, curriculum, new area new friends and isn’t understanding the impact of his actions. Very concerned for his future cause everything I earn was and is invested in his boarding and schooling and I’ve not saved enough for the future. What to do next? He’s been identified with Attention deficiency when he was 8yrs just before lockdown but we didn’t pursue any treatment. My frustration too comes out on him and gets the worst of me but that’s pushed him even further away from me. He’s interested are physical and not Education inclined my friends suggest remove him from these expensive schools( paying 3.5lac minimum every year) and put him in a local school and just save for my future. I can’t be so selfish. I had put him in best school and selected subjects like French so that if he goes abroad a foreign language can help and he anyways struggles to even pass in Hindi and local languages so selected a school too so that his board exams eventually he will have to write only English and French exams that can help him score. After sacrificing my time health career and money I feel in these 6 months everything is going downhill my anxiety and stress has gone out of control. His friends are being a terrible influence and it’s scary cause I’ve had some major complaints from teachers and other parents. What do I do? I can’t give up I have faith and only hope it’s just a phase I’m still loving caring and trying to talk with him and understand where can we mend things before it’s late and hoping for some guidance
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It is a difficult phase that you are going through...
It will be worth pulling him out of the school for a while...it's not just to save money but also to focus on his therapy that he surely needs to get into. Also, during his therapy, you will know where his interest lie...Do remember, we are all unique...some of us take up professions that may not give us immediate money but it trickles in later or maybe it comes in the form of satisfaction rather than money.
You are attempting to secure his future and you are right as a single mom to do that because you want your son to be in a stable place which you did not experience. But his path in life is his to follow...any attempt to control it will cause the two of you a lot of emotional upheavals.
Kindly get him assessed again as you did mention Attention Deficiency...that will allow for appropriate corrective measures right away which will channelize his energies in the right direction. Otherwise both you and he will be on a roller coaster ride that never stops and this will lead to more stress and strain. Pause for a moment and put his health as a priority even if it means taking a break from school for a while. The sooner his emotions find a useful path, he will shine in what he is meant to...Take a deep breath...you are doing a great job!

All the best!

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Archana

Archana Deshpande  |77 Answers  |Ask -

Image Coach, Soft Skills Trainer - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

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hi mam ...i am a mother of two sons one in tenth grade and other in sixth grade.i used to be with my elder one for studies and younger one studies on his own but i will make sure he is learning and help him when he needs. Recently i arranged tuition for elder one and also i am sitting with him but i could not see any improvement on him.I live in a joint family with 91 yrs old fil and 80yrs mil.Since child hood i set routine works ,make him sure that he completes his work.Chasing him for everything make me me unhappy as he needs to learn to prioritize his thing ,his work, etc. Dily conflict is coming with him and we are always in conflict mode. Consulted few psychologist and astrology but all in vain.dont know how to make him to learn his tenth grade where life route takes place.
Ans: Dear Revathi,

You are doing so much my dear...take a break from everything for an hour everyday and focus on your well being and peace of mind. 20-20-20 rule for you, meditate for 20 mins, physical activity for 20 mins and connecting with nature for 20 mins( these are your mini breaks).
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Now let's solve your son's issue...since childhood you have taught him how to do things, he is grown up enough to do things on his own. Until and unless you allow him to do things on his own, how will he learn to do?
DO NOT CHASE...DO NOT CRITICIZE....DO NOT NAG, tell him what to do once and wait for him to do. If he does it fantastic, else let him face the consequences. Every action has to have consequences.. for eg, not studying will lead to less marks, it's his failure, not yours, let him take ownership of his actions, you are preparing him for life, let him falter now and learn to get up. Be there for him when he falls, your job as a mom is to ensure he is healthy...emotionally and physically. (Keep the atmosphere at home happy because you have another son too, he is younger and needs your attention too)
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Wishing the very best to all of you.. and happy parenting!!

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MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 30, 2024Hindi
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Hi, i am 52years old, wanted to retire early, following are my investments, MF - INR 65L, Equity - INR 22L, 3 houses, one is self-occupied, other 2 houses valued at INR 90 L and INR 32L respectively, i have home loan outstanding of INR 12L, FD of INR 36L , PF INR 32L, monthly expenses requirement is INR 1 L, kindly help me to plan my early retirement. Thank you in advance for your reply on my question.
Ans: Hi,

As there are many things to consider for an early retirement, one of the first is to start thinking about it in a more realistic manner. An early retirement is not necessarily stop working life, but think of it as a more comfortable schedule that provides you opportunities to relax and pursue your passion and interests and live life on your own terms. You may or may not undertake an activity which can be monetized, meaning which provides you some sort of income - not necessarily to cover your living expenses in whole/part. So do give it some thought of how you intend to keep yourself occupied once you retire from your "current schedule". Will you generate any source of income or will you incur/require more expense.

At current age of 52, an early retirement even if we consider at 55 years of age, it a still a long life ahead. I will make a lot of assumptions in my response as these are not known from your query - such as life expectancy of another 30 years, average return of 8% on all investments for future etc. Are the 2 real estate properties earning any kind of rent that can be considered as income.
There are too many variables that go into the calculations for retirement which are specific to each individual and their circle of life.

Generic solution - You have a currently accumulated investments valued at INR 2.65 Cr (all investments less loan).

Current monthly expenses is INR 1 Lac, over which inflation needs to be applied each year (depends on lifestyle and composition of items of expenses).

So if your cumulative investments appreciate at average 8% annually, and your monthly expense increases at 6% annual inflation, your current accumulated investments are just about enough to manage expenses for next 30yrs (excluding tax implications - refer below).

Points to consider -
1. Inflation in real world is more than 6% (depends on the individual)
2. Liquidation of investments e.g. Real estate attract expenses/fees and tax on capital gains as it will be lumpsum
3. PF post retirement will earn interest only for 3 years, so you need to plan to re-invest the amount
4. Interest income on FD attracts tax at slab rate
5. Withdrawal of amount for monthly expense from your investments will attract tax on capital gains (MF and Equity)

I strongly recommend you connect with a Certified Financial Planner for personalized guidance and prepare a plan that will take into consideration your risk profile and overall investment management towards the retirement. Benefits will include a more tax efficient plan which will consider your requirements and ensure retirement goals are achieved and if there is a shortfall - what alternatives you need to consider.

Hope this is helpful and all the best for the future.

Regards
Janak Patel
Certified Financial Planner.

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Dr Nagarajan J S K   |174 Answers  |Ask -

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Sir I am preparing for mbbs, but I'm not able to crack that. I'm a middle class student. Can I pursue mbbs in abroad under 8 lakhs in a best college for mbbs?After that can I able to be a doctor in India?
Ans: Hi Lagna,

It seems you haven’t provided the details clearly on this platform. If you could share more information, I’m sure you will receive helpful input.

Based on your message, I understand that you are considering pursuing a career in medicine. If you intend to enroll in a medical program either in India or abroad and plan to practice in India after completion, here are some important guidelines according to the National Medical Commission (NMC):

You must appear for the NEET exam, as it is a mandatory requirement for anyone wishing to pursue graduate medical education in India or elsewhere while intending to return and practice in India. According to the NMC eligibility criteria: “No student shall be eligible to pursue graduate medical education either in India or elsewhere (if they want to return and practice in India), except by scoring the minimum eligible score at the NEET UG exam. The UGMEB will announce the list of eligible students periodically.”

Therefore, I recommend preparing for the NEET exam and trying to secure admission in India itself. If you choose to pursue medical education abroad, you can still practice in India, but you will need to pass exit exams as well.

Regarding your question about pursuing MBBS abroad for under 8 lakhs, are you asking if this is per year or for the entire course? Studying abroad at that cost per year is possible. However, when you take into account the total expenses, which include course fees, accommodation, food, travel, visa, and other costs, it might be more feasible to complete your MBBS in India.

I hope this clarifies your queries!

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Patrick Dsouza  |879 Answers  |Ask -

CAT, XAT, CMAT, CET Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

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Hi Sir, I am 41 years old. I've 15 years of experience in Finance (FP&A) domain. In last 2.5 years I have changed 3 companies due to lay off, Cultural misfit and latest one due to Personal and family issue. I quit my last job in Sept'24 (from Apr;24 to Sept'24). Due to some family issues, Lay offs, Challenges faced on the job I am feeling very low. I don't have any confidence left as a result don't want to return to work out of fear and anxiety. However, I also want to upskill myself and thinking of pursuing US CMA. But I am in dilemna that with around 15 years of work experience would it open any gates for growth opportunities going forward. Another dilemna that I am constantly fighting is to whether think of making a switch from Finance domain to Learning & Development domain. I have good communication & interpersonal skills and have always had a liking towards L&D domain. Now myself on a Career break I am not sure how to proceed further - Whether to pursue my Career in Finance and look for jobs in Finance domain and then gradually look to switch to L&D domain or Look for the opportunities only in L&D domain. I have an emergency fund that can take care of my expenses for next 6-8 months. Looking forward to your guidance that can help me bounce back in my career as I am feeling lost, depressed and Lack of Confidence at present in life. Thanks.
Ans: Learning is a continuous process. So doing a course in Finance should not be a problem. As far as getting into LnD domain, start with being a faculty in one of the colleges or can start with taking private tuitions. See if it suits you. If it does, then you can decide to make the switch.

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