Hi! I am married now for 4 years and have a 18 months old child. My wife is having Borderline Personality Disorder and often talks about ending the marriage but when she is normal, she credits me for such an understanding husband. She doesn't acknowledge that she has such disorder from before marriage. I am very disallusioned about what step to take more so because of my daughter. Shall I go for divorse? Please advice.

Ans: Dear JK, I can only imagine the stresses of the situation that you and your wife are in. But it takes two people to make a marriage.

And it would be worthwhile for both of you to understand that childbirth is a very transformative experience for entire family especially the new mother and the baby.

It is of utmost relevance here for them to have the support of the father and the family.

The emotional and physical needs of the man maybe ignored here but do know that your wife/ mother doesn’t do this as a well-thought idea but because her hormones dictate her mind and body.

But of course, if this has been something that has been going on for a while now even after a year of childbirth, it would be wise to have an open communication channel where the two of you understand each other’s needs and see how best as a couple you can fulfil them.

It is normal for a human to seek validation and attention from the external when his needs are not fulfilled at home. But the complications that can arise from that are something that you are well aware of.

You are an adult and you know what’s best for you and your family.

Having said this, if the choice is to make the marriage work, please don’t engage in finger pointing and instead think of ways to spice up your relationship.

Find someone to care for your child while you and your wife take a holiday.

If this also doesn’t work, I would suggest couples marital therapy where a professional may guide you to rebuilding your marriage.

Happy rebuilding and it’s worth working at it!

Ans: Dear Verma,
I assume that she has been clinically diagnosed as having schizophrenia. And if yes, it entails a lot of lifestyle changes for the family member/s. I have seen close family friends go through a lot of adjustments when one of their own has been clinically diagnosed. Here is a list that might help you get a grip of the situation:
1. Educate yourself completely on the condition, so you approach the situation not out of worry but with care and caution. You can safely rely on books available on this rather than search the Internet
2. Sit the family down (includes your parents and her parents and siblings if any). Appraise them of the diagnosis, educating them on what you already know
3. Bringing yourself to the understanding that life maybe a bit different in your home in terms of managing your spouse, but with the right care and love, this isn't impossible
4. Talk to your children separately and tell them that no matter what, they are always loved by you and their Mother
5. Involve the families not to come and mope around cursing their luck, but to be of help and support to you and the children
6. Make sure that the medications prescribed by the doctor are been regularly taken by your wife
7. Accept the fact that you may not always be able to take her into social events and gatherings. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
If anyone asks you, just tell them. Own the truth, it will shut many mouths. After all, you are her biggest support.
Lastly and most importantly, take care of yourself as well. Most often caregivers forget that they exist. Create a strong circle of friends and meet up as often as you can. Develop a new hobby that can help de-stress and calm you to deal with what's at hand.

It may seem like a lot, but I am sure it will give you a start point to taking charge rather than staying muddled.

Best wishes!

Ans: Dear Ravi,
Sometimes screaming could be a means to get attention. if you notice a toddler, he/she will cry and scream, throw toys around to gain the parents' attention. So, it could just be a way for express her emotions.

Even as adults, at times we are stuck around like we were when we were children and use similar means of communication. She could be doing the same. So, when she is in a calm space, that is the time to speak with her and clearly impressing upon her how her actions have begun to impact the child. If he is modeling her behaviour, she needs to take stock of what's happening with her.
So, you maybe right that she can see an expert; but what I would suggest is: When she is calm, rather than point out her behaviour which she may feel accused for, handle it with gentle patience. Ask her: how she is feeling and what makes her upset over something?
Work on the issue together rather than asking her to deal with it. This approach will make her feel like she is the problem and she will try and defend herself and refuse all help. It maybe difficult given what you are facing, but hey, it's love for the other person that you are willing to do what it takes, right?
In a marriage, the two of you are always on the same side, yeah? So unite to conquer...

All the best!

Ans: Dear Singh,
If nothing has changed in the past 10 years, then both of you have possibly just let it be. When something troubles the marriage and if it isn't addressed soon enough, it grows and becomes a sore point.
So, why not try and make it alright now?
There's something because of which your wife is the way she is with you. You may or may not be the cause but to save your marriage, find out from her what is causing her stress. She may not share with you; then suggest that she speak to someone that she can trust and that you are also willing to support her in this. It is likely that your support might help her calm down.
Also, it always takes one person to calm so that the other one also releases the anger and wants to do the right thing. I can only ask you to make a humble attempt at this.

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
So what does a parent do when one of their children has a challenge either physically or mentally?
Blame the other parent? Wash their hands off the responsibility?
Whatever it is, nothing justifies what your wife here is up to...what I can gather is that she feels a certain fear managing this situation.
Yes, your son may require more time and attention from both you and your wife in certain areas of life, but with this care and support, he will slowly get to a place where he can manage all by himself...
Now, if your wife has decided to play this blame game and isolate herself from you as a way of punishing you for genetics! Kindly take this to a mutual friend who can be unbiased and then teach the two of you to get back together for the sake of your son...

You must know that your guilt trip isn't helping you or your son...
Your wife must know that her blame game is driving her away from the marriage and her son...

Work towards a goal rather than against it!

All the best!