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Anu Krishna  |1664 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 06, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Mar 21, 2024Hindi
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Good Day Hi its been around 10 years of Marriage . I do have a Son who is 5 years old and is slightly facing Autism issues we have consulted a Specialist for the same who has generally suggested a few therapies to follow which we are currently following. My Wife is some what upset since her belief was that this issue is related genetic and one of my sibling already had such abnormalities in their kid so that's the reason our kid is facing this. and she really regrets this marriage. Whenever there is any arguments at home she always keeps on repeatedly saying that she regrets this marriage since this problem within the child has arisen because of some genetic imbalance within my family . Also since my kid was born she always preferred to sleep separately, rather there has been no physical intimation since last 6 months when came to know abt my kids problem. Is it really advisable that if she is not happy with me rather part away so that she could stay happy with somebody else since i personally feel i myself i am responsible to be the unlucky one and the root cause of all the problems. So would happy to get some suggestion from your end.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
So what does a parent do when one of their children has a challenge either physically or mentally?
Blame the other parent? Wash their hands off the responsibility?
Whatever it is, nothing justifies what your wife here is up to...what I can gather is that she feels a certain fear managing this situation.
Yes, your son may require more time and attention from both you and your wife in certain areas of life, but with this care and support, he will slowly get to a place where he can manage all by himself...
Now, if your wife has decided to play this blame game and isolate herself from you as a way of punishing you for genetics! Kindly take this to a mutual friend who can be unbiased and then teach the two of you to get back together for the sake of your son...

You must know that your guilt trip isn't helping you or your son...
Your wife must know that her blame game is driving her away from the marriage and her son...

Work towards a goal rather than against it!

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1664 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 29, 2021

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My wife and I have been married for 15+ years and we have two young kids (5 and 10 yrs old). We are from northern India and sort of settled in the USA. The issue is that our communication has been very poor and since the birth of our first child about 10 years ago, the problem has become significantly worse. During the initial years of a kid's life it is obviously understandable to have an infant sleep with parents in bed, but my wife decided to continue doing that years into the birth. This continued till my first child was 5 or 6 years older. And then came along our second kid and the same thing repeated. I was not in agreement with this way of having kids sleep in bed every night and I started sleeping separately and have been doing that for years. I believe this in itself caused multiple cascading communication issues and our detachment from each other. My wife does not take any time out for the two of us and instead spends almost all her time caring for herself or kids. My wife is also very (extremely) possessive and insecure with kids and me developing any kind of meaningful bond. I have to ask her permission for example to take kids out or else she uses sarcasm, demean etc., or other ways to intimidate me as if I am doing something wrong. I need your help to understand if any of this kind of behavioUr can be considered 'normal'. Can I say to myself - 'bad luck, but this happens in marriage and is not a good enough reason to consider separation and divorce'? Or the behaviour I am seeing is way out of the ordinary and cause for some action to save my mental health. I feel lonely, depressed and deprived of emotional support, and really miss time with my kids as well as being a parent to them in ways I think is best for them. Parenting style significant differences have further increased the rift between us, and since kids spend a vast majority of their time with mom, I see them develop personalities which I think is not best for them as they step out into the world and become independent. I am really squeezed between many conflicting thoughts. Should I work on leaving this marriage after years of trying to establish some minimum communication and mutual trust? Should I stay for the sake of my kids, but if so what is the point, I am not able to parent them anyway in any meaningful way? We have arguments and verbal fights a lot and that is the only communication we have left now and otherwise weeks and months go by without any calm and meaningful conversations. I am very lost and hope for some advice that I can apply and clear my thoughts. I will very much appreciate your help.
Ans: Dear VB, this is like kids becoming the third person in the marriage which is very common in a lot of couples.

Sex waning after having kids is something that many marriages go through, also the mother can be tired after caring for the home, work and the kids…sex is the last thing on her mind.

But, yes you do have a point when you mention that kids are still lurking in your bed which is not healthy for their development.

Just a thought, has your wife found this as a convenient option to avoid any intimacy with you?

If yes, what and why is she avoiding? These can be answered only when the two of you set aside your emotions aside and talk as civil adults.

If that isn’t a possibility, kindly take the help of a professional who will:

  • Help your wife transition from mother to wife and ease her into both roles
  • Bring to her notice that children need the love and care of both parents and that it is non-negotiable and a dampener for the kids to deny them the fathers’ support
  • Guide both of you to bring spark back into your marriage
  • Teach the family to discipline itself into conscious parenting that keeps the welfare of the children at the forefront

I would urge you to go down this path before thoughts of separation etc.

The kids can grow up in a loving environment; why not strive for that first?

Wishing you the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1664 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2022

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We both work in IT company and she earns a very nice salary. We were living happily without ANY major quarrels with my wife or mother. After 6 years of marriage our child was born and since Day One she started behaving differently and went to stay back with her parents. It’s almost about 3 years and she is neither returning nor allowing me to speak to the child and insists that she will play with him at her place.We tried different ways to convince her but she doesn’t want to return nor shares the reason for this behaviour. When I asked recently she said she wants to live away from my family and not together and that too on her terms and conditions. If not, she wants to separate but I don’t want to. I have not done any mistakes then why should I suffer?What should I do? What is running on her mind? It’s really difficult for me to understand. No elders are eager to resolve the matter. Awaiting your earliest suggestions.
Ans:

Dear SS,

Something has happened which you might not be aware of that has triggered this behaviour from her.

To not let you be with the child suggests that there is something else that is going on. It requires an intervention.

Speak with her parents who can talk to her sensibly about the requirement of the child being with both parents at this time.

It is highly likely that there have been some disagreements with your family that is preventing her from coming back.

So, you possibly have been naïve to believe that nothing happened. There is a reason for every action, so something so extreme from her certainly warrants a strong reason.

Why exactly did you wait for three years is something that I cannot understand as matters like these get worse with each passing day with room for disappointments.

Well, let’s keep the past right where it belongs in.

Initiate a conversation with her and take things slow and patient.

After three long years, much has changed and to expect things to be as they were is bordering on being very gullible.

State clearly what you expect within the marriage and please be an excellent listener as you encourage her to share her version of the story, her expectations, her complaints and so on…a patient, listening and compassionate ear can go a long way in rebuilding lost relationships only when you don’t go on the defense and she feels pushed again.

I do believe that it takes two people to create or destroy a relationship but since I heard from you, this is my suggestion to you.

Please be the bigger person and keep the larger picture in mind of the marriage and the child, and swallow pride and ego and simply focus on rebuilding if that is eventually a possibility.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1664 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 05, 2023Hindi
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Dear Madam I am 36 years old and got married at 29. I have a 2year old daughter. My wife is highly impatient and always wants everyone to consider her as the centre of the universe. She has no interest in understanding peoples emotions and only cares for herself. Me and my family has no issues with this until my kid was born. After she is born, I had to devote much of my attention to my kid since my wife was very lackadaisical toward my baby. My whole energy was spent with my daughter who herself was a hyperactive kid but i do enjoy playing with her. But inspite of not understanding the fact that my whole energy is drained out by my kid, my wife starts blaming me that I am not taking care of her. What she wants is a silent husband who would silent approve of her whole nonsensical tantrums which of course i cant given the fact that my kid is growing up and i don't want her to take up these habits of her mothers. I have tried as much as possible to reason with her with patience but to no avail and my parents and relatives too after closely seeing my condition have also suggested a professional help in this regard. The fact is expect for people who are staying closely with us, no one can sense this attitude of her's and its quite difficult for others to believe when I am trying to tell them of this. Could you give me some help in this. How can I make her understand that I am not just a husband but I am a father , a son, a brother , a friend and more than that a human being.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Has you wife always been the way that you have described or has any incident given rise to this impatience and lack of reasoning?
A professional opinion may definitely be helpful in assessing what's going on and what can be done to streamline her thoughts into creating a family and a better life for herself and those around her.
Since, I don't know all the facts, I am unable to make a professional evaluation and can only work on some assumptions here.
Maybe she feels dissatisfied with being a wife and a mother and possibly wants to have a career for herself. Maybe motherhood is overwhelming for her and the responsibilities are worrying her.
Maybe she is seeking you care and attention.
Remember even a child when he/she throws a tantrum, you go deep to find the reason for it. It's never without a strong reason...So, do not dismiss what you wife might be going through. It needs to be taken care of.
In the meantime, care for yourself by making sure that you get some time off from playing the parent.
Find your ME time and indulge in your hobbies to maintain your sanity. You need to be a good kind space to be able to support your wife and child, so do what it takes to feel simple joys. So, seek professional help and NOW! Sometimes a total stranger can work wonders up...

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1664 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 29, 2024Hindi
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Hello AnuJi I am 42 and my wife is 40 and we have an 8 year old son. We have recently been staying separately since 3 months after a lot of tensions and my wife's emotional breakdown. Our relationship has been strained since beginning. Though am very loving, caring and devoted to my wife I have possessiveness issues. My wife has been sacrificing a lot on her own accord for our marriage but during her emotional breakdown we learnt the hard way that she was feeling suffocated in all this. She even hurt herself and that is the reason I am very careful in approaching her for reconciliation. My son is with me which gives me solace but I am worried he will miss out on mother's love and holistic development this way. I am unable to create a pathway between me and my wife because she is currently very caustic, bitter, insulting towards me and my family and not willing to hear my side of the story / talk peacefully / agree for counseling etc. I considered having the child stay with her but she has a terrible temper and history of beating the child, sometimes severely and hiding this from me till I found out. I later came to know my child is developing a sulking personality because of this but being a child he is naturally affectionate towards her mother (infact he developed an attitude that he deserves to be beaten and slapped - something he is coming out of gradually now he is with me). Infact parenting style mismatch and arguments was one of the reason of our split. At this moment I want to do whatever possible to bring the family together - short of feeling humiliated / not being heard / agreeing to child being beaten. My wife and me are well educated and even nature-wise she has good qualities as well. I just don't understand how we seemed to have ended up in this mess so abruptly. I do not know whether I should adopt a conventional attitude of saving the family, compromising etc or prioritise individual happiness and adopt a more liberal approach of staying separately even if child misses out on one of our day to day love and care.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let's put things into perspective.
1. You and your wife are living separately due to a few challenges
2. Your son lives with you but you feel that the family living together is the best
3. Your wife resorts to punishing your son which is impacting him
4. Counseling is not an option

Which means that you have to step in as your own Counselor. Bringing the family together has to be your journey as your wife is not a part of it as yet. A lot of empathy, patience and the challenge of understanding your wife's emotional breakdown. Obviously, there's something going on deep within her that is making her resort to hurting herself which is cause for concern indeed. Tread carefully but firmly when you speak with your wife. Let her know your genuine intent of bringing the family back together and how much you would appreciate her support in all of this. Encourage her to start working as this will offer her some respite from caring for the family and also set her up professionally.
Give a patient ear to her complaints or outbursts (a very difficult thing for you to do).

What I have stated above is what works much better with a professional as you will have his/her guidance through the process. But give this a shot by yourself and see where it leads you to. Who knows, after a while, she might agree to see a professional...Give this a shot...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Sir, my son with CLR 41700 i Gen Category for CSE(Cyber Security) at IIIT Kalyani WB in JoSSS. He may get Kurnool and Sonipat. He has been alloted seat in CSE ( AI& ML) in Nirma University. Pl advise what to do. We already have registered imfor CSAB. Chirag R Patel
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Asked by Anonymous - Jul 29, 2025Hindi
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