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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |152 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 05, 2023

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Nikita Question by Nikita on Apr 05, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

Hello mam!! I have been in a relationship since last 3 years and the guy work like normally but expect from me to not work after marriage as according to him it's not a good thing. I sacrifice all mu thoughts and value for him whatever he said i did but he started disrespecting me from words because of his frustration in life. I was like maybe he will not gonna do like this next time but cycle keeps going from like5 to 6 month and finally i decided to stand leave he also follows a pattern to be with me for a time and zoned out himself for like a month and suddenly came and behave normally i was accepting that even without questioning but now he got a decent job and want to marry me with the above conditions he was already made. So what should i do i don't want to think twice with my decisions but it hurt as well

Ans: My Dear Nikita,

It sounds like you have been in a challenging situation for some time, where you have been sacrificing your values and thoughts for your partner, and he has been disrespecting you with his words and behavior. It's important to remember that no one deserves to be treated with disrespect in a relationship.

It's understandable that it hurts to think about leaving the relationship, especially after investing so much time and effort into it. However, you need to prioritize your own well-being and happiness, and it seems like this relationship is not fulfilling that for you.

It's important to have a clear and honest conversation with your partner about your feelings and concerns. Let him know that his behavior has been hurtful, and that you cannot accept his condition of not working after marriage. It's important to communicate your boundaries and what you need from the relationship.

If he is not willing to respect your boundaries and make changes to improve the relationship, it may be time to consider ending it. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you are respected, valued, and your needs are met. It may be difficult, but prioritizing your own well-being is important for your long-term happiness.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |773 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 08, 2022

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Relationship
Hey Anu, I am a 27 year old girl, employed. I was in a relationship with a man who was very caring and lovable but he was not earning well. I used to help him financially. He used to say we will marry, have a family and all that. I was thrilled by his commitment and made me more desperate. His bhabhi had filed a case against his family which he says is completely false and I do believe that he is right. That is not the problem. After the case he has become too negative. He says I’m not thinking about marriage; let's be practical and work on our relationship (when he was under jail, we used to have a lot of fights and I blamed him several times. I don't know if I should have done that or not. I used to tell him you used me according to your needs)My question is should I support him and be with him or just leave everything as I don’t find a connection between us? If I say let’s end it, he puts all the emotional baggage on me. Help me out
Ans:

Dear R,

And what exactly more do you want as evidence for you to value yourself much more?

His being in jail wasn’t enough? Whether he was falsely accused or not is something that you will never know.

Yet, you want to look the other way and give him the benefit of doubt on a man who hasn’t managed to stand on his own feet.

The fact that you feel used is perhaps stemming from your inner voice and you are just protecting yourself.

If you support him, you are always going to wonder whether him going to jail was under a false accusation or not.

So, think if you want to spend time with someone who is dependent on you emotionally and financially and someone who possibly has a hidden past.

Be happy and wise!

(more)
Anu

Anu Krishna  |773 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2022

Relationship
Hi Anu, Nice to contact you. I came across many of your conversations online and I would like to share my life situation. If you could help in any way it would be a great support. I am married since 4 and half years now but we have stayed together only for 1 and half years. Rest of it was purely long-distance relationship. It was an arranged marriage and I entered it with great hope and dreams. I still believe I have had only bare minimum expectations from my partner as that of any young woman. After the marriage got fixed I had to leave my job and stay at my hometown. He works in a distant state. We were all hoping that after marriage, I’d go and live with him so will search for a job later. Even during prewedding discussions the talk was that he will shift to a new home before marriage and after marriage he will take me along with him. But two weeks after our wedding he left to work leaving me at his home with his parents in our hometown. He didn’t explain or give any reasons. It broke me. Those 2 weeks were wonderful and the best time of our marriage life. He came after 2 months, rented a new house and took me with him. It was good although small and silly arguments would happen. He loved me and I stayed there for a month. We returned to hometown after a month. He left me there and returned to work in 1 week’s time. I stayed with his parents (in between his mother met with an accident and I stayed with her for like 2 months). He took me back to his place for 3 months. When financial circumstances got bad, he changed. He stopped expressing love in any form other than getting me variety of food items. There was no romance, small talks or travelling outside. He sent me back to my parents’ place for 7 months. It made me really mad and we started to fight over the phone making us more distant. He was facing financial crisis, I wanted to be supportive but he never shared his feelings or plans with me. I never felt involved. Without a job I went into depression. To sort things, I stayed with him for 9 months looking for a job. He never showed any interest. I stayed at home for all those months feeling depressive and insecure. There was no romance, emotional or physical.He is perfect in his words and promises but never in his actions. I believed and waited for 3 years. Then my in laws suggested a job but it was at my native place. As it suited my educational qualifications I showed interest and he said okay. I applied and got the job. Since then I have not visited him at his work place. It’s been 2 years now and I stay with his parents. Due to covid he didn’t come for home for a 1 and half. A few months ago he came and stayed for a week. When people see us it’s 4 and 1/2 years of marriage but for us it’s not. Since we don’t have kids people are suspecting a lot. I don’t blame them.Clearly not everything is alright.My husband is a lovely person and he cares so much but I feel he is controlling me. May be because of his lack of emotional availability. But many things have bothered me a lot since our wedding.My husband and I have never visited or travelled a place alone, ever. We never had a honeymoon.My husband has never introduced me to any of his friends.I know nothing of him through a third person, all I know is what he has told me.These days he hardly calls me. I tend to get more frustrated and cry sometimes by sharing my feelings with him if he called very late at night. So he stopped calling me. When I asked he replied “when I call at night you are complaining, fighting and crying so I don’t call” He is running away from situations. I replied to him “you know that I will cry and there is a reason for that. Instead to solving the situation and not to make me cry, you would rather prefer not to call”. He said “Yes”. So he refrains from anything that upsets him. Long time ago due to some misunderstandings I refused to be physically romantic with him and he did the same to me for months and years which is also why we don’t have kids. But I cant explain or share this with anyone. I doubt about my future as I am scared that I will never be blessed with a life with shared love and romance.I miss myself being in love and happy.I miss my own very smile.I don’t put all the blame on him because I know am not perfect. But am not that evil to be punished like this in my life. I do deserve some happiness. He hasn’t abused me but absence of abuse doesn’t mean a healthy relationship. I have always felt lonely. Rather than love I have felt more judged for my actions and thoughts.There is not a single day in life where I do not think about leaving this relationship but it has become very difficult to picture a happy healthy future with him.It has become hard to have a simple conversation with him now.I hope for a healthy relationship in which my partner and I could be vulnerable to one and other.Am I expecting too much from him? Is it that am not good enough for him?Will this too pass? I am worried.I would like to stay anonymous.
Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

These are your words that stood out for me.

‘I miss myself being in love and happy.

'I miss my own very smile.'

So, who is stopping you from these? Be in love, be happy, smile when you want.

You have tied these things to your marriage and have hoped that putting things together will bring a smile back on your face. As much as it’s true, it won’t be long lasting.

Now let’s focus on your marriage. What is this ‘being sent here, sent back there’?

What are you, some parcel/courier package to be sent here and there at will?

The first time that you felt that this being sent here and there was NOT OKAY, that would have been the time to voice it out.

Situations of a husband and wife being physically apart can come in anytime during a marriage. But this has to be handled with a lot of love and communication and not keeping silent and controlling it his way.

What has caused your hurt is the fact of non-communication from him, inability to validate your feelings, making you feel guilty for expressing your feelings and his unwillingness to work on this?

Request a person known to both of you to mediate to set up a meeting if both of you want to be in this marriage and live in peace and harmony. If you don’t step up now, things will be emotionally draining.

Also, as a woman, you don’t have to feel guilty for saying that something is not alright and that you want things to be different. You do not have to mask it with a statement that ‘he is a good man’ etc.

Be honest to yourself about what you feel and what you want. It helps putting things into perspective faster. STEP UP NOW and SPEAK.

Do that favour onto yourself please and also expect things to go the other way especially if he does not want to mutually set things right.

No matter what, know that strength from within is what will help you sort things for the better.

Be strong and value yourself. All the best!

(more)
Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |96 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 24, 2023

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Relationship
Hello sir!! I have been in a relationship since last 3 years and the guy work like normally but expect from me to not work after marriage as according to him it's not a good thing. I sacrifice all mu thoughts and value for him whatever he said i did but he started disrespecting me from words because of his frustration in life. I was like maybe he will not gonna do like this next time but cycle keeps going from like5 to 6 month and finally i decided to stand leave he also follows a pattern to be with me for a time and zoned out himself for like a month and suddenly came and behave normally i was accepting that even without questioning but now he got a decent job and want to marry me with the above conditions he was already made. So what should i do i don't want to think twice with my decisions but it hurt as well
Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you are in a difficult situation. It is never okay for someone to disrespect you or your values, regardless of their frustration in life. It's important to remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity in any relationship.

It sounds like you have already made the decision to leave the relationship, which is a brave and important step towards taking care of yourself. It may be helpful to remind yourself of the reasons why you made that decision, and to focus on your own values and needs.

If you are still feeling hurt and uncertain about the situation, it may be helpful to seek support from trusted friends or family members, or consider speaking with a therapist. They can help you process your emotions and provide guidance as you navigate this difficult time.

Remember, you have the power to make choices that are best for you and your well-being. Trust yourself and prioritize your own needs and happiness.
(more)
Anu

Anu Krishna  |773 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 12, 2023

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Hello mam!! I was in a relationship for 7 years and supported my partner in every ways. In starting it was not that good but ya we have the mindset to make this relationship worth it. I don't know i just changed drastically like even I didn't know how. I started to follow each and every instructions of her it's not like he was forcing it's like i was accepting whichni was not even agree before. But things started to change as he was going through lot of struggles in life and i was trying to be with him. But like every interval of time he started disrespecting me in out of his frustration so like lastly i took a stand for me and leave. He also not want to allow me for work after marriage but i want it. But he comes and said this all things is normal in relationship and nothing like self respect exists so don't overreact in this but i am not convinced. I never disrespect him by words or actions never but take everything from him and feeling empty right now.
Ans: Dear Nikita,
Good that you decided to leave the relationship. He comes across as controlling and demanding. Why would you want to lead a life with someone like that? Freedom in every sense is what relationships grow on and when there is someone instructing you in one way or the other; you know he/she is not the right person for you.
When he normalizes his behaviour, he's in his own way making you feel guilty about you moving away. DO NOT give into this as this is toxic behaviour on his part to get what he wants!
When he is ready to break your self-respect, make sure you draw a boundary around you and be glad that you decided to leave. MOVE ON...focus on your life for now and someone who respects you for YOU will come along...till then know that your self-respect is yours to guard!

Best wishes!
(more)
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |152 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hi I am working in an compnay since 4 yrs i had and friendship with my senior and he ia married but staying alone. His family was at native place. We both r maaried and we know about we had family but now we are in relationships since 3 years. As his family was not here i helped him in every manner in covid situtation. We know pur priority is family first. But since his family is here from one year last. He has stopped chatting talking to me. Only we are mostly having one side fight. He is now feeling irritation in talking to me normally also. During my job i m doing better than also everytime he feels irritated. I dont know what to do. Now he is saying he dont have time. He dont want to leave me. But stopped everything's. Only when he needs help he speaks to me or replies to message. I dont want to leave my job nor complaint to someone. What shoul i do dont understand. I have ensured him that i dont want him also to leave his family. Nor i want to leavemy family. I m confused what to do. I have done everything for him and now he has forgot evething. He says he love me he dont want to leave me. But at this situtation what should i do.
Ans: Hello Ms.
It's important to approach this with sensitivity and consideration for everyone involved. Understand that his family is a significant part of his life, and he may need time to adjust to the changes. Respect his commitments and responsibilities towards his family. Think about the long-term implications of the relationship. Consider whether it's sustainable in the current circumstances and whether it aligns with your personal values and priorities. Take some time to reflect on your own feelings and the dynamics of your relationship. Consider whether this situation is bringing you happiness and fulfillment, or if it's causing you distress. Establish clear boundaries in your relationship to ensure that both of you are comfortable and that these boundaries are respected. If he is feeling overwhelmed or stressed with the recent changes in his family situation, it might be helpful to give him some space. Encourage open communication make sure you both are on the same page about the nature of your relationship and the level of communication you both desire.Be prepared for the possibility that the relationship may need to change or come to an end. Reflect on your own priorities and boundaries. Ensure that your relationship doesn't negatively impact your personal and professional life. It's essential to maintain a healthy balance and focus on your own well-being. While this can be difficult, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and the well-being of everyone involved.
(more)
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Sushil

Sushil Sukhwani  |251 Answers  |Ask -

Study Abroad Expert - Answered on Mar 29, 2024

Sushil

Sushil Sukhwani  |251 Answers  |Ask -

Study Abroad Expert - Answered on Mar 29, 2024

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Career
Hi Sushil. My daughter is planning to do MS from US. She has got acceptance from two universities and waiting from one more. Meanwhile, I have approached bank for loan. Their list of documents require I20, whereas for I20 I have to show finance. How to solve this? Secondly, the fee estimate of University shows only for one year ( spring and fall), How can I show the requirement for two years to Bank? No.3: Whether cash in account to be shown while applying for VISA or bank loan also will do? Sorry I have asked lot of questions.
Ans: Hello R. It is great that your daughter has been accepted by a couple of universities in the US. To answer your question first, generally, banks do ask for I-20 to process the loan application; however, a few banks or NBFCs, e.g., HDFC Credila, could issue a loan sanction letter on the basis of the offer letter issued. You could use this sanction letter to call for the I20, provided the university is accepting the letter, or show the required funds in your savings account, provide a bank certificate, and then call for the I20.Expenses to be shown in the bank certificate or savings account to call for the I20 are for a year, which includes the total of tuition, food, accommodation, and miscellaneous [if any]. I20 will show expenses for 9 or 12 months; however, it will also clearly mention the start and end dates of the course, which would help the bank know the total duration of the course and accordingly sanction the loan amount will be sanctioned. Yes, both the savings account and the education loan letter could be used during the visa interview.

For further assistance, you can get in touch with us
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Krishna

Krishna Kumar  |177 Answers  |Ask -

Workplace Expert - Answered on Mar 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 29, 2024Hindi
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Career
I was doing Business for past 23 years and have been succesful in that.. After COVID my business fell apart and I am trying to regain the foothold. Although I have created a good brand, I am not able to make the Money I was making earlier. However the buisness is picking up and I knew If I could have little more patience, I will make it. However the situation demands lot of financial requirements for my lifestyle and family. They are insisiting me to go for a Job now. My business is stagnent for past few years and it is slowly showing the signs of growth now.. I do not want any waiting time due to pressing needs. I am 49 Now.. I am not sure if applying for work at this age will help as I have no idea on the Job market.. I am getting very good offers on selling my Business. Kindly advice.
Ans: Dear

There are two parts.

Emotional...how you feel attached to your business.

Rational: your financial needs and the revenue that your business is generating.

Any advise us a function of both the above aspects. Unless one knows the current revenue numbers, growth potential of the business, competition and several such factors it's not possible to share any guidance.

Hence may I suggest you talk to your CA and other colleagues of yours, look at the numbers in hard way and then take a call.

Emotional aspect can be both strength and liability... strength because it will inspire you to make business grow... liability because you may be overtly attached to your business without looking at the financial realities.

All the best.
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Dr Shakeeb Ahmed

Dr Shakeeb Ahmed Khan  |34 Answers  |Ask -

Physiotherapist - Answered on Mar 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 28, 2024Hindi
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Health
Sir im 36 yrs of age weighing 107 kgs and I regularly walk which helps in maintaining my weight but im unable to reduce belly fats. I walk approx 4 kms daily within 30 minutes .
Ans: Thank you for your inquiry. I appreciate your dedication to maintaining a consistent walking routine for weight management. However, if you're specifically aiming to reduce belly fat, it might be beneficial to incorporate additional methods into your regimen.

While walking is great for overall health and weight control, integrating strength training exercises can be instrumental in building muscle mass and boosting metabolism, thereby facilitating greater fat loss, including targeting belly fat. Incorporate exercises such as squats, lunges, push-ups, and abdominal workouts like crunches or planks.

To enhance the effectiveness of your walking routine, consider adding intervals of higher intensity. This might entail alternating between periods of brisk walking and intervals of more vigorous effort, such as walking uphill or increasing your pace to a jog for brief durations. This approach can elevate calorie expenditure and promote fat burning.

In terms of nutrition, it's crucial to pay close attention to your dietary habits, as they significantly impact fat loss. Prioritize a well-rounded diet rich in whole foods such as fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains, while minimizing intake of processed foods, sugary beverages, and excessive calories, which can contribute to belly fat accumulation. Additionally, consider reducing carbohydrate intake and increasing protein consumption in consultation with a registered dietitian for personalized guidance.

Overall, by incorporating these strategies alongside your walking routine, you can optimize your efforts towards reducing belly fat and improving overall health.
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |773 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 28, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am 65 years old and have history of sleeplessness and on tranquilizers. about two years back, it got so bad that one night I wanted to end it all. fortunately my wife was around and calmed me down. We saw a psychiatrist the next day and she put me on anti depressants. Since then I am sleeping well. But the fear is I feel I will not sleep without medication. Is it okay to take this medication life long. Is there a way I can go to sleep without medication like everybody else? allthough I am a diabetic my general health is good as I take part in endurance running and related activities.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You need medicines to sleep and now you worry that without that you worry that you won't sleep. That's how these medicines can be...make you dependent on them...
The better choice will be to grow out of them...any kind of dependence of anything or anyone is never healthy.
Speak with your doctor and state that you do not want to be dependent on medicines for something as natural as sleep...He/She will suggest ways to wean you off from the medicines and also hoping that they put you on some holistic treatment like meditation or other any alternative therapies that are known to eliminate the source of sleeplessness in you.
Be patient with this line of treatment as it will take time to identify the root of the problem but once it is found, it becomes easy to treat it once and for all hopefully taking you off medicines fully someday.
Kindly explore this option as this will help you to take charge of your life and sleep as well.

All the best!
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