Dear Love Guru,
We are married for two years. Both of us sawla coloured but my wife loves fair men. She can’t stop staring at them and smiling.
I hate this.
If I don’t look at other women, why is she looking at other men.
How can I stop this bad habit of hers?
Thank you.

Ans:

Dear A,

Some people love comparing just to hurt the person.

Now why she wants to hurt you, is something that I don’t have information on. (Your mail is very brief with not much information shared).

If you do almost everything to make her happy as you have mentioned, why would she compare you with other guys?

Obviously, there is something that she feels a lack of. So instead of going mad or running away from it, can you in fact love her and care more for her?

At times, women just need a lot of care and attention, and they respond beautifully to their man.

Maybe she misses that attention from you. If you feel that’s not the case, sit down and talk frankly.

Most of the times, clear and frank communication solves most marital issues. (These are general suggestions as I don’t have much information from you to work on.)

So, communicate more, love more and care for her more.

All the best!

Ans:

Dear IS,

What we try and avoid, we obsess over that more.

What is the real reason for wanting a relationship outside of marriage?

It is very easy and tempting to run away from facing issues that might be plaguing your marriage and hold on to something outside. Justifications maybe many.

Have you and your wife worked out issues at an emotional level.

Sex is one element of marriage and not the only one.

Maybe she feels emotionally disconnected from you as you might feel physically disconnected from her.

Whatever it is, bringing another person into a marriage isn’t going to sort out anything.

But if you have decided that a few complications aren’t going to hurt, well that is what is leading you to obsess over wanting another woman.

Instead, can you actually think of rebuilding the marriage? Of course, the want needs to be there else it’s a pointless exercise.

It takes a lot of work and patience and calm understanding between spouses to make a marriage work. Slippages can cost a parson his/ her marriage.

So, maybe it’s time to actually list down the best qualities you see in your wife and oh, yes WHY the two of you married in the first place, This WHY can re-energize you to look at things differently and more usefully.

The fact that you want to be loyal to your wife does suggest that there is a lot of love and care still in the marriage.

Who knows, the obsessive thoughts may fade…give your marriage another chance. I am sure you know that it deserves that chance!

All the best!

Ans: Dear Ravi,
What happens with two consenting adults and in your case, the two of you are married...it is strictly between them.
Now, the challenge would be if your fetish is something that your wife does not want to indulge into...
Also, if this becomes the only way that you can be intimate with you wife, then you will start to become dependent on it. That's when you become a slave to it and without it, you will feel no attraction.

This way can possibly be a good add-on spice to your intimate life. But, also bring back the spice between the two by spending more quality time with each other...Do remember, there's a good reason why you married her and you do know the reason why you used to be attracted by her. Bring that back and use this add-on more as something that you summon only at times. It's not that difficult, a bit of effort to connect more meaningfully as a couple can help here...

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Most often fights start because of assumptions about a situation and about a person.
Instead of making assumptions that it is very much visible that she is attracted towards him, why not ask her? Of course she may deny it altogether.
Then what do you do?
You actually remain silent till the point that she ends up actually has a behavior change than the usual and then sit down and talk about it. Behavior changes within a familiar situation usually means something else is going on. That is the only way that you might get her to talking about it. Otherwise it will be an allegation and she will strongly deny or take offense to. Either way it will be difficult to deal with as the unrest spreads in the family.
Be patient and then slowly broach the topic observing any change from the usual...And if what you say is actually true, deal with it with butter fingers. It takes a second for a fight to erupt but patching up after that is a lot of strain...be patient...

All the best!