Hi for some reason nowdays, I am having this fetish about my wife having an affair. It does not help that she is good looking flirty with other guys and they flirt back at her. But instead of getting angry the idea of her having sex with some other guy turns me on like crazy. Is there anything wrong with me and what should I do to change this mindset.

Ans:

Dear IS,

What we try and avoid, we obsess over that more.

What is the real reason for wanting a relationship outside of marriage?

It is very easy and tempting to run away from facing issues that might be plaguing your marriage and hold on to something outside. Justifications maybe many.

Have you and your wife worked out issues at an emotional level.

Sex is one element of marriage and not the only one.

Maybe she feels emotionally disconnected from you as you might feel physically disconnected from her.

Whatever it is, bringing another person into a marriage isn’t going to sort out anything.

But if you have decided that a few complications aren’t going to hurt, well that is what is leading you to obsess over wanting another woman.

Instead, can you actually think of rebuilding the marriage? Of course, the want needs to be there else it’s a pointless exercise.

It takes a lot of work and patience and calm understanding between spouses to make a marriage work. Slippages can cost a parson his/ her marriage.

So, maybe it’s time to actually list down the best qualities you see in your wife and oh, yes WHY the two of you married in the first place, This WHY can re-energize you to look at things differently and more usefully.

The fact that you want to be loyal to your wife does suggest that there is a lot of love and care still in the marriage.

Who knows, the obsessive thoughts may fade…give your marriage another chance. I am sure you know that it deserves that chance!

All the best!

Ans: Dear Suraj,
Well, if both of you consent to this experimentation in the bedroom, alright...be happy! But, if she is not comfortable with something, then better to talk about it rather than push it any further. It's fun as long as both the partners enjoy it.
But, what seems to bother you is losing your friends due to intimate chats. Why are you indulging in it? Is it another form of experimentation? Is it an experience that serves you in a way that you can be closer to your wife?
Human beings do things that ultimately results in some form of gain to themselves. But if this is impacting your social circle, then it's time to understand that you must STOP!
Maybe what started off as harmless, turned into something more serious in your female friends and they feel guilty.
You might feel open and quiet fine with these intimate chats, but for them it doesn't end well and they have begun to move away from you. So, seriously turn this off and if you feel that this will hurt your wife, why then?
Making sense?

All the best! Do the wise thing!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Sex is not just a physical act. Learn to first connect as partners first; love, care trust...these help in intimacy.
If you are able to get all excited over other women what you are looking at is LUST and not LOVE...In your marriage, focus more on Love and intimacy will follow. Spend time together even at 44, this is a must!
Rekindling the spark in your marriage and you will have a partner who is not just welcoming but will also share your interest in sex and more...

All the best!