Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 09, 2024
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Has she been clinically diagnosed? Most often, I find people throwing this word around loosely without knowing what depression truly is.
For all you know, she may simply be low or upset over something that comes and goes frequently.
Assuming that this is case from what you have stated in your email, what is the reason that you feel she brings up these conversations from the past?
What triggers it? Is there a reference to your mother or sister in any current context?
Is anyone praising them currently and she doesn’t like it? Is she being compared to them in any manner?
Has she lost or given up anything in the past because of them that is impacting her now?
Do a reality check with her or if you know the answers to these, you will know what exactly is going on in your mind.
Questions like these can point you in a direction that will enable you to help her rather than see her as a problem.
She may not be willing to go to a professional for help as most of us think that it is NOTHING.
Stress and sadness are real and over a period of time, it can rob us of even the smallest of joys that we deserve.
It's easy to say: Forget the past; one cannot forget the past or what happened there BUT one can only change the way they feel about the past.
Replaying what happened means she is reliving the same experience over and over again and feels the reality of this even now which must be dulled and faded away.
Why does she hold onto this is because it perhaps gives her the solace of not doing anything about it now and it’s easy to play the blame game?
At times, we seek refuge under phrases like: My life is a living hell because of this or that. This could also be hiding away from opportunities and blaming the world for it.
What I am sharing here is based on what information that I have got from you.
I suggest start with the reality check questions first and see how it goes as this will give you vital information on what’s going on in her mind.
Most importantly, reiterate to her to be grateful for the things and people in her life right now.
Gratitude as an energy can liberate us from mundane occurrences and can keep us sane and calm.
Best wishes to you and your wife for a wonderful life.
Well, we do need money to keep the family running, right?
Somehow, external happenings of someone earning more can get into the marriage cropping up as comparisons.
What started as a mere seed of comparison, slowly starts to become a huge tree with fruits of poison robbing even the small successes that you might have had.
Even that seems never enough leaving you with a feeling of inadequacy.
This affects marriage compatibility and comes out as anger, sadness, violent outburst, finger pointing which is evident in your marriage.
At the same time, I am sure your wife does not really intend to hurt you with these behavioural displays.
And that’s why externalising the situation to be your fault arises and she does not want to think that her perceptions are what are causing the situation.
Either you sit her down and bring her down to facts of the matter that this is how life is going to be and this is the money is what you can bring.
If it’s still an issue and she has a hard time accepting this reality, involve an elder member from her family to communicate with her.
Show her the mirror as to how her wants are unequal to what money is coming in and how this regular chatter might be affecting the children as well.
If anyone needs professional intervention, it’s both of you going to a therapist and not a psychiatrist.
The expert can help out things into perspective where both of you can rebuild your relationship with renewed mind spaces.