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Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Feb 13, 2023

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Feb 10, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

My wife divorced me in 2008. I had schizophrenia+ bipolar. I took medicines. By 2012 the dowry cases got closed. I paid all my father-inlaw asked. After my father-inlaw died, My ex-wife allowed me to stay in her house. I focus on my work. I take care of expenses and children. My ex-wife cares me like radha (wife of krishna). She tells she does not want me to touch her. I switched off in my mind the need to touch. Now my ex-wife lives in my heart. We still live together. Better than married ones. This also is possible.

Ans: What is your question exactly…whatever arrangement you have currently seems to be working for you, isn’t it? You’re a family unit, if not a couple and you have access to your kids too. If you’re craving a physical relationship with her as well, she has to be willing; she’s not. Maybe if she’s willing to attend couples’ therapy with you then you can salvage your relationship despite the divorce. But like I said, it takes two hands to clap. If this is all she wants, leave good enough alone and don’t rock the boat.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1449 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 18, 2023

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Relationship
Hi Anu, I’m 45 male and my wife is 44, we have been separated due to opinion difference through court she filed three cases on me , after that she with draw all cases by taking Alumni, since two years I have been wishing her on her birthday, recently two months back I wished on her birth we have small conversation asked about ourselves , like did I get married to other women or did she got married to other man. After that conversation she started talking , daily we chat looking at this I put a proposal saying that if she is willing to come back and start our life she is open for it. But she says she does not have any intension of getting married to any one she want to stay alone for life long. Sometimes she shows so much love and affection caring sometimes she completely ignore me as if am a stranger, I’m unable to judge her mood strings day by day my stress levels are going high could not control my emotions and anger I express it on any one. Please do suggest shall I be optimist and wait for some more years and its better to leave her on her own path.
Ans: Dear Prasanna,
For the time being, it appears that the separation is helping the two of you reconnect at a better level than when you stayed together.
It is a good thing as it will patch up wedges and also teach you both to appreciate one another and respect your differences.
I suggest that you let this be for a while now till it reaches a place where the two of you are cordial with one another and set aside the animosity and quell the ego. Then you can put your proposal forth to her of moving back together. She may want it or may prefer the status quo (like she has mentioned to you that she wants to stay alone). Either case, once a connection is filled with love that it is meant to, there not be a definite label or construct to that connection. So, wait for that suitable time to know where her mind is...till then enjoy the time together as a 'dating phase' and relish the moments.

All the best!

..Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |120 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 12, 2023

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Relationship
Hi My ex wife lives with me under live in relationship for last 7 years. But since last 8 months she refuse physical relationship. I do not understand what is her problem - mental or physical . At the time of our mutual divorce I pleaded with her to not to go for divorce but she did not listen. At that time I said to her that I will not take back again you in my life but for my son I agreed to take back at my home. His lover cheated with her and after one year of our divorce he left her. Now what I should do . Should I remarry with her . I need your suggestion
Ans: Here are some steps to consider:

Communication: It's crucial to have an open and honest conversation with your ex-wife about your concerns and feelings. Ask her about her reasons for refusing physical intimacy and if there are any underlying issues, whether mental or physical, that she is dealing with. Encourage her to share her perspective as well.

Seek Professional Help: If your ex-wife's refusal of physical intimacy is causing distress in your relationship, consider seeking the assistance of a relationship counselor or therapist. A professional can help both of you explore your feelings, communicate better, and work through any issues that may be affecting your relationship.

Consider Your Son: Since you mentioned that you agreed to have your ex-wife live with you primarily for the sake of your son, it's important to prioritize his well-being. Evaluate how your current living arrangement and relationship dynamics are affecting him. A stable and harmonious environment is typically beneficial for children.

Personal Happiness: Reflect on your own feelings and happiness. Are you content with the current living arrangement, even without physical intimacy, or do you desire a deeper romantic relationship? It's important to consider your own needs and happiness in this situation.

Legal and Financial Matters: If you decide to remarry or make significant changes to your living arrangement, consider consulting with a legal professional to understand any potential legal and financial implications.

Time and Patience: Relationships can be complex, and it may take time to resolve issues and understand each other's perspectives. Patience and understanding can be valuable during such times.

Ultimately, the decision to remarry or continue your current arrangement is a personal one that should be based on what you believe is best for you, your ex-wife, and your son. It may be beneficial to seek the guidance of a professional therapist or counselor to help navigate these complex emotions and decisions.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1449 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 03, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello madam I a 32 year old married man with a kid , who is 6 years old. I have done arrange marriage with my own decision I agreed to my parents for the marrige at that time I was in a casual relationship with a girl I didn't said anything to the girl and get married to someone else. After that I tried to live a happay life with my wife without thinking about the girl whom I left behind, from outside I tried to be happy with my wife but my wife thought doesn't matches with me so I felt so disturbed from inside. Still I was trying to continue the relationship for sake of our child but suddenly I got my ex love contact and I was so happy that after so long time I got a chance to talk to her, I have tried to meet her but she always refused to meet me because she was in a relationship. I tried many times and due to some misconduct I again lost her for the second time. At this moment when she is not with me her thoughts memories are troubling me so much I am in pain, what am I suppose to do to get rid of the pain?? Please help
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There is no point wanting a 'past' relationship just because you have one...what if that relationship did not exist, you would have possibly made efforts to make your marriage work, right?
Then do just that...DO NOT treat your marriage as an option...which marriage is a perfect one? And are all spouses tailor-made to fit one another?
So, if her thoughts don't match with yours, then even yours don't match with hers...so, should she also think of jumping into some other relationship. Please act mature about this especially with a child in the entire equation; try and understand each other...speak about your differences and find ways of working on them by accepting them. Ex-love etc looks all very nice, but come down to ground reality; please...work on your marriage!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |499 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 01, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
My and my wife separate since 1 year due to misunderstanding and now she is not in vontact with nor giving me divorce and she is living separately from her family and i am.worry about her i tried to contact her and her family but not getting answer. She was always blame for her mistake to me. Apart from this she has long trauma issue with her father which is unresolved. I am emotionaly drained as she is not coming back nor giving me divorce.
Ans: It’s also clear that her unresolved trauma with her father may have influenced the dynamics of your relationship, perhaps creating barriers to open communication or trust. While her past is something she ultimately has to face and heal from, it’s not something you can resolve for her, no matter how much you may wish to.

It's important to acknowledge your own emotional wellbeing right now. It seems like you're carrying the weight of her pain as well as your own. This might be the time to step back and focus on finding some clarity and balance for yourself. Working with a counselor or therapist could help you process your feelings and better navigate the uncertainty of this situation. Emotional exhaustion can cloud decision-making and pull you into cycles of self-blame or frustration, and having professional support might give you the tools to handle these emotions in a healthier way.

You’ve made efforts to reconnect and seek closure, which shows your commitment. However, if she is unwilling or unable to engage right now, this could mean shifting your focus toward what you can control: your healing, your boundaries, and your future. Remember that it’s okay to give yourself permission to find peace, even if her choices leave things unresolved for now.

Finding closure within yourself might not come easily, but it is possible. Take it step by step, allowing yourself time to grieve the relationship and reflect on what you’ve learned about yourself. This isn’t just about moving on; it’s about rediscovering your sense of stability and strength, regardless of her decisions. You're navigating this with care, and that shows your integrity and depth of character. Keep reminding yourself that your wellbeing matters, too.

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Nitin

Nitin Narkhede  |53 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 14, 2025Hindi
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Money
Hi sir/mam, I'm 32 years old working in a private firm as Manager. I own 9 lacs in FDs, accumulated 17 lacs in Mutual funds through SIP of around 23k pm (currently XIRR at 15-16% in with 75% in equity). I also have 2.5 lacs in PPF and 1.2 lacs in NPS. For tax savings I do yearly investments in PPF and NPS of about 1 lacs and rest I cover with ELSS (part of my SIPs). I want to retire at the age of 50, my current salary is 1.2 lac per month in hand, and receive few incentives of 1.5 lac a yr. I live in Mumbai with my wife and plan to buy a house of 60 lacs (out of which 20 L I'm borrowing from family, and rest of it will be loan with about 35k EMI). I also have a flat in NCR worth 80 L (purchased at 35 lacs), for which I have an EMI of 11k per month which is covered by rent I receive from there. I don't have kids yet, but I plan to have two of them. What should be my plan of investing that I can retire by max between 50 and 55 yrs of age with an upper middle class lifestyle in either Mumbai or NCR. How much should my corpus be? My current expenses are around 60k including rent in Mumbai, and my parents are independent. I have both health and life insurance of 1 cr+ cover.
Ans: Dear Friend,
To retire comfortably at 50-55 with an upper-middle-class lifestyle, you’ll need a retirement corpus of ?5 crore. Currently, your mutual funds, PPF, and NPS are projected to grow to ~?1.82 crore by 50. To bridge the gap of ?2.18 crore, increase your SIPs by ?30,000/month in equity funds, which can grow to ~?2.25 crore at 12% CAGR in 18 years. Prioritize repaying the ?20 lakh family loan after buying the Mumbai house, ensuring the ?35,000 EMI doesn’t hinder your additional investments. Post-retirement, rely on rental income from your NCR property and a 4% systematic withdrawal strategy from your corpus to cover inflation-adjusted expenses. Maintain ?5-6 lakhs in an emergency fund and continue tax-saving investments like ELSS, PPF, and NPS. Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to stay aligned with your goals. With disciplined savings and investments, you’re on track for a secure retirement.
Regards, Nitin Narkhede
-Founder Prosperity Lifestyle Hub,
Free webinar https://bit.ly/PLH-Webinar

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7593 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025Hindi
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Money
Hello sir, I am 35yo with 2 (4yo, 1yo) children. Can I retire now, with following corpus: mutual fund and stocks : 3.5 crore, lands: 50 lakh, PF&PPF: 80 lakh, FD: 25 lakh, SGB &Gold:50 lakh. Currently doesn't own any house. Monthly expense is around 1 lakh.
Ans: Your corpus and monthly expenses show a solid foundation. Retirement at 35, however, requires careful assessment. Let’s analyse your situation step by step.

Current Financial Assets and Allocations

Mutual Funds and Stocks: Rs 3.5 crore

This is a significant part of your corpus. Equity investments offer high growth potential.

Lands: Rs 50 lakh

Real estate investments are illiquid. Consider them only for long-term growth or inheritance.

PF and PPF: Rs 80 lakh

These provide stability and assured returns. These are good for meeting long-term goals.

Fixed Deposit: Rs 25 lakh

FDs are low-risk and ensure liquidity. This is beneficial for emergencies.

SGB and Gold: Rs 50 lakh

Gold is a strong hedge against inflation. It also offers diversification.

Monthly Expense Analysis

Your monthly expense of Rs 1 lakh equates to Rs 12 lakh annually.

Accounting for inflation, this expense will grow over time. Planning for this is crucial.

Core Observations

Your total corpus is Rs 5.55 crore. This is substantial for your age.

Inflation and rising expenses over time will impact your corpus.

Without a house, rent becomes a recurring expense. Factor this into your calculations.

You have no guaranteed income sources post-retirement.

Key Areas of Improvement

Housing

Consider buying a house if feasible. Owning a house ensures stability and reduces rent.

Do not invest excessively in real estate as it is illiquid.

Corpus Utilisation

Avoid over-reliance on equity investments for withdrawals. Equity is volatile in the short term.

Use a mix of debt and equity for regular withdrawals.

Children’s Education and Marriage

Both are major financial goals. Plan dedicated investments for these.

Use long-term instruments for education and marriage funds.

Emergency Fund

Maintain an emergency fund of at least 12 months of expenses.

Keep it in liquid funds or high-yield savings accounts.

Recommended Financial Strategies

Asset Allocation

Diversify your portfolio across equity, debt, and gold.

Maintain 60% equity, 30% debt, and 10% gold as a starting point. Adjust as needed.

Mutual Fund Investments

Continue with actively managed funds. These can outperform index funds in emerging markets like India.

Avoid direct funds if you lack time or expertise. Regular funds offer advisor support and insights.

Debt Investments

Increase debt allocation for stability. Consider high-quality debt mutual funds.

Ensure these align with your withdrawal needs.

Tax Planning

Monitor tax implications of mutual fund withdrawals.

LTCG from equity funds above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.

Plan withdrawals to minimise tax liabilities.

Insurance Needs

Ensure adequate health insurance for your family. Cover at least Rs 25 lakh for each member.

Check if you have term insurance. Secure Rs 2-3 crore coverage for your family’s financial safety.

Inflation and Lifestyle Adjustments

Inflation can erode your purchasing power. Plan investments to counter inflation.

Avoid lifestyle inflation. Stick to essential expenses wherever possible.

Income Generation Options

Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWP)

Use SWP from mutual funds for regular income.

Choose hybrid funds for better stability and returns.

Rental Income

Invest part of your corpus in commercial properties.

Ensure this aligns with your liquidity needs and risk profile.

Freelance or Part-Time Work

Consider light work for additional income. It can extend your corpus.

Use your skills to generate flexible income streams.

Monitoring and Review

Review your portfolio annually. Adjust allocations as goals evolve.

Work with a Certified Financial Planner for periodic checks.

Final Insights

Retirement at 35 is ambitious but achievable with meticulous planning. Your current corpus is strong, but consider the following:

Plan for inflation, children’s needs, and healthcare costs.

Diversify investments and secure guaranteed income sources.

Avoid premature decisions. Evaluate thoroughly before retiring.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |508 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 11, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am a 20 years old guy and in my past romantic relationships, have shown signs of emotional instability, too much dependency and lack of awareness of boundaries which affected my relationships badly...I hadn’t interacted with people in a long while since 2020 (precisely when lockdown had started) and feel that some aspects of my personality are not developed fully as they should be at this age. How to work on this? Also, i have noticed that I am able to create a good first impression but it soon pales and I feel like I am subtly disrespected or talked down to, and this has been happening in all interactions...i am always respectful (often to a fault!) and even have people pleasing tendencies...i sometimes ask immature weird questions and that might probably be the reason (but they’re never inappropriate)...but i do want to gain insights into why i am experiencing what i am and how to navigate this situation well so that I can maintain healthy relationships in future. Thanks you!
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
First of all, I want you to understand that it is no small feat to realize the quirks and imperfections in ourselves- you have done it. Your effort to understand and rectify them deserves to be acknowledged and appreciated.
Now, coming to your question, I can only give you some general advice on each-
Emotional instability and dependency- these behavioral patterns can stem from various factors; it can be a lack of confidence or some past issues that are left unresolved. It is difficult for me to tell you exactly why it is happening. It can also arise from a lack of validation. To manage it, you can focus on self-regulation- like meditation or journaling whenever you feel these emotions rising. This way you are expressing them but not damaging your relationships. Take up new hobbies or goals. Achieving milestones can build confidence.
Navigating Boundaries- You can speak to your partner in the early stage of the relationship to understand their boundaries. This way there will be clarity and you won't overstep. You can set up some boundaries too.
For better interpersonal skills, you can proactively follow some rules- like active listening, avoiding overthinking, asking open-ended questions, and resisting the urge to seek your partner's approval.
About the awkward questions- it is important to understand that you might perceive them as awkward, but the person opposite to you might think of it as a genuine curiosity. As long as it isn't intrusive or inappropriate, there are no awkward questions.
Like these, I can only offer you some general advice. But the best advice of them all would be to seek counseling. It has done wonders for people. And the first step, which is identifying the issues is already done. Bravo! What's wrong with taking a little professional help in navigating the next steps? They can guide you in a more structured manner.
Hope this helps.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |499 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 09, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for the past 4 years, but due to various issues, things have become extremely complicated. Her father doesn’t approve of me, and my mother doesn’t like her either. Despite this, we’ve managed to stay together all these years. The problem is now escalating. My family is pressuring me to marry someone else, but I’m unable to leave her. At the same time, I feel I can’t marry her either because of her behavior and the ongoing issues with my family. I’ve tried to ask her to change certain things, but she hasn’t made any efforts in that direction. To make matters worse, her mother supports our relationship and trusts me, which makes it even harder for me to walk away. I don’t want her to marry someone else, but I also feel stuck because of my family’s expectations and the challenges in our relationship. Even If I leave her I don't know what she is going to do. What should I do in this situation to make the best decision for everyone involved?
Ans: it's crucial to reflect on what you truly want and need from a relationship. Ask yourself if this relationship brings you the happiness and fulfillment you seek, or if the challenges you face are too significant to overcome. It's important to differentiate between staying out of love and staying out of fear or obligation.

Talking to your partner openly is essential. Share your concerns honestly and listen to her perspective. If there are changes you've hoped for, express why they matter to you. At the same time, recognize that change is a two-way street—it requires effort and willingness from both sides. If she hasn't made efforts in the areas you've discussed, it may be worth considering whether this is a pattern that can be changed or a fundamental mismatch in expectations.

Your family's disapproval complicates things further, but it's important to remember that this is your life and relationship. While their opinions are significant, they shouldn't be the sole deciding factor in your happiness. Balancing respect for their wishes with your own needs is a delicate task, but ultimately, you need to make a decision that feels right for you.

If the relationship feels unsustainable despite your efforts, it may be time to consider a different path. It's understandable that you’re concerned about her well-being, especially given her mother's trust in you, but staying out of guilt or obligation can lead to further unhappiness for both of you. If you decide to part ways, doing so with kindness and honesty can help mitigate some of the hurt.

Ultimately, this decision is deeply personal. Weighing your feelings, the relationship dynamics, and your family's expectations will guide you toward a resolution that prioritizes your well-being and future happiness.

...Read more

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