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Torn Between Two Loves: Should I Marry My Long-Term Boyfriend or the Man I Met Recently?

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |599 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 08, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

This is an urgent situation and is really difficult to explain what I am going through and my words might not completely bring that out but a piece of advice/perception might be really helpful. I am 30 years old. I have a long term boyfriend(started dating in 2012). He was the world to me till almost 2020. He was my family, my everything. I too meant the world to him. We treated each other like "I am his and he is mine". Such was the commitment and care. We never thought we could even think of marrying some one else. We are in long distance since 2017. Used to meet once in every 2 months sort of. In 2021, I met some one else and started going out with him as we were in the same city just casually believing that nothing serious has to happen between us and that I "obviously" will marry my long term boyfriend undoubtedly. But things drastically changed. I developed strong feelings for this person and met more frequently. I went with the flow despite having immense guilt that things will eventually get very complicated and all the three of us will be hurt. But I never gathered the courage to break ties with this new person as the bonding was very maturely strong between us. Nor I could break ties with my long term boyfriend as he still was "my family" and he was the only one I resorted to whenever I needed someone. The new guy belongs to a caste my family will never agree and because of this I persuaded the marriage talks with my family for my long term boyfriend. My family agreed and my marriage date is scheduled in end of November 2024. But I everyday am in dilemma as to whether should I marry my long term boyfriend as scheduled or should I take a bold step of breaking it and going for the guy I met in 2021. I told my mother about the situation but she said my father will never agree for this new guy's caste and that its too late and I should marry as scheduled. I am not able to take a decision and going with the flow and probably will get married with this dual thought and uncertainty. I have thought a lot about this, about how my life will be with both of them, but its very difficult for me to break things with my long term boyfriend even though I have no romantic feelings for him from the past 3 years. There is 0 intimacy, neither emotional nor physical. But I do care for him. I do want him in my life, whether as a husband or otherwise. I feel the way he takes care of me and thinks about me, no one else will. But the thing is I don't actually "feel" for him anything, nor do I miss him as much, we don't talk the way we used to , there's a detachment. We are in long distance and are in such different fields that we never probably will live closer location wise. There's financial disparity. I earn almost thrice as him but we probably are okay with this. We both are aware of all these problems and are still ready to marry with the "hope" that things will eventually be okay. On the other hand, the guy I met in 2021- he has a good career and location wise, we are in long distance too but way better placed and in near future, his job location might be very flexible. He earns more but has huge family obligations as his family including his two brothers are not very well off. I have probably made peace with it when I thought about considering him for marriage. I love him and we have great emotional intimacy . I feel so calm and happy around him. It's like a festival when he is around me. He too loves me a lot and is ready to take efforts to make our marriage possible given the family and caste differences. I am really very disturbed and unable to decide whether I should break the marriage as if things don't improve after marriage, I will regret it always. Preparations have started slightly and it would be a big step now. Should I just forget about the 2021 guy and marry my long term boyfriend in November hoping that things will fall in place..or.. What should I do! My long term boyfriend has also lost feelings for me but he still cares for me and he says if we work for our relationship, things will be good post marriage

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It sounds like a difficult decision to make. But one simple thing is that you should never commit for a lifetime to a person you do not feel for; that does not mean I am asking you to leave him right away and marry the other guy. That means, you can have an open talk with your long-term BF. Tell him how you feel and let him clarify his feelings too. You can postpone the wedding to sort things out first- and think hard whether both of you want to get married at all.
Leaving one does not equate to choosing another. Choose yourself first; your happiness. You can never be happy in a relationship when you are of two minds. Please don't rush to get married to either of them.

Best Wishes.
Asked on - Oct 08, 2024 | Answered on Oct 09, 2024
Listen
Thank you for your response. But if I break things now with my long term BF, it would be forever. I am 30 and he is 31 and he won't wait for me forever. I don't expect him to. Because the current situation and dual mind I am in, this is from almost 2 years. My long term bf knows I have no clarity and is supportive enough to let me part ways if I don't want to go ahead with the marriage. He wants to marry me and he is hopeful that things will get better if we work for it. I have taken enough time for myself and still not able to make up my mind.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand it is difficult, but you cannot keep your partner hanging like this. He has been patient and supportive of your decisions, the least you can do is come to a clear conclusion. While it is tough, you need to make a choice and stick to it. He deserves the clarity and so do you.

And just a reminder, if you are still unsure about him after two years of thinking, there must be something fundamentally wrong in the relationship; don't you think? Marriage is just another commitment; it doesn't magically sort things out. Please consider everything thoroughly before making a decision

Best Wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1617 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello mam, glad to find you here. Mam, I'm a female, 27 yrs, I have been in a relationship with my partner since 9yrs, but he is from different caste. We both were immature when we started our relationship but our relationship grew stronger as time passed.We have gone through ups and downs of our relationship and are still intact. When I was into 3yrs of our relationship he was doing some odd job, at that time I told my mom about us and she said 'NO' because of caste issue irrespective of his job. Another reason is that my father is an impulsive person who thinks to harm himself whenever something happens, so mom said my father might harm himself if I go forward. At the same time there were some issues in boys family and my brother met them and he said no to it.But I couldn't get away from him, so I stayed. Later I talked to my partner about his family environment and I said that I couldn't stay with them because of the negative impact. He talked to his family and confirmed that after marriage we will lead our life under different roof but maintain the sufficient relationship with his family. We both are now settled in jobs but he earns a bit less than me but we earn a handsome salary combining our both salaries. Now, it's time for my marriage and I want to marry him and he have changed alot for me without leaving his family and he understands me very well. I feel safe with him. Now the problem is my parents wants to get me married and I also want to get married to the whom I loved but my mom and brother are not yet all giving me the chance to convince them. They are trying to convince me for marriage with others but I couldn't do that, that will kill me all my life. They are saying that if I go for intercaste then they have to suffer all their life and my father might do something to himself if he finds out. I love my family dearly and that's why I have been waiting all these years for their approval. I do not want anyone to lose their life because of me. My partner have left the decision to me because of my situation at home and he is supportive of me. My transfer is nearing where I have two options, one is to opt for my home town(not Village), where I can bring my parents to town with me to stay( now my posting is in another city). Second is to opt for different city( where I have to stay with my brother who doesn't approve of my love and blames me for his career). In order for me to convince them for my marriage should stay with my family or away from them and how can I convince them? Sorry' for the long story and I hope I hear from you.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Be clear about what you want and in this process/journey, there will be a lot of highs and lows...
Also, you may not be able to have the cake and eat it too which is why you are struggling at making a decision. You want to marry the man of your dreams that your parents and brother disapprove of BUT you don't want to disappoint them by going against them...You can't have one foot in two different paths...it will tear you apart; literally...
So, decide what you want, the pros and cons of going against the family...of course there are situations where over time, parents have accepted the boy/girl but there's a lot of patient waiting.
If you are in haste, they are not going to relent and you will be left feeling disappointed...
Decide and then do whatever it takes to make that decision right...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |599 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 05, 2024
Relationship
It is really difficult to explain what I am going through and my words might not completely bring that out but a piece of advice/perception might be really helpful. I am 30 years old. I have a long term boyfriend(started dating in 2012). He was the world to me till almost 2020. He was my family, my everything. I too meant the world to him. We treated each other like "I am his and he is mine". Such was the commitment and care. We never thought we could even think of marrying some one else. We are in long distance since 2017. Used to meet once in every 2 months sort of. In 2021, I met some one else and started going out with him as we were in the same city just casually believing that nothing serious has to happen between us and that I "obviously" will marry my long term boyfriend undoubtedly. But things drastically changed. I developed strong feelings for this person and met more frequently. I went with the flow despite having immense guilt that things will eventually get very complicated and all the three of us will be hurt. But I never gathered the courage to break ties with this new person as the bonding was very maturely strong between us. Nor I could break ties with my long term boyfriend as he still was "my family" and he was the only one I resorted to whenever I needed someone. The new guy belongs to a caste my family will never agree and because of this I persuaded the marriage talks with my family for my long term boyfriend. My family agreed and my marriage date is scheduled in end of November 2024. But I everyday am in dilemma as to whether should I marry my long term boyfriend as scheduled or should I take a bold step of breaking it and going for the guy I met in 2021. I told my mother about the situation but she said my father will never agree for this new guy's caste and that its too late and I should marry as scheduled. I am not able to take a decision and going with the flow and probably will get married with this dual thought and uncertainty. I have thought a lot about this, about how my life will be with both of them, but its very difficult for me to break things with my long term boyfriend even though I have no romantic feelings for him from the past 3 years. There is 0 intimacy, neither emotional nor physical. But I do care for him. I do want him in my life, whether as a husband or otherwise. I feel the way he takes care of me and thinks about me, no one else will. But the thing is I don't actually "feel" for him anything, nor do I miss him as much, we don't talk the way we used to , there's a detachment. We are in long distance and are in such different fields that we never probably will live closer location wise. There's financial disparity. I earn almost thrice as him but we probably are okay with this. We both are aware of all these problems and are still ready to marry with the "hope" that things will eventually be okay. On the other hand, the guy I met in 2021- he has a good career and location wise, we are in long distance too but way better placed and in near future, his job location might be very flexible. He earns more but has huge family obligations as his family including his two brothers are not very well off. I have probably made peace with it when I thought about considering him for marriage. I love him and we have great emotional intimacy . I feel so calm and happy around him. It's like a festival when he is around me. He too loves me a lot and is ready to take efforts to make our marriage possible given the family and caste differences. I am really very disturbed and unable to decide whether I should break the marriage as if things don't improve after marriage, I will regret it always. Preparations have started slightly and it would be a big step now. Should I just forget about the 2021 guy and marry my long term boyfriend in November hoping that things will fall in place..or.. What should I do! My long term boyfriend has also lost feelings for me but he still cares for me and he says if we work for our relationship, things will be good post marriage
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It sounds like a difficult decision to make. But one simple thing is that you should never commit for a lifetime to a person you do not feel for; that does not mean I am asking you to leave him right away and marry the other guy. That means, you can have an open talk with your long-term BF. Tell him how you feel and let him clarify his feelings too. You can postpone the wedding to sort things out first- and think hard whether both of you want to get married at all.
Leaving one does not equate to choosing another. Choose yourself first; your happiness. You can never be happy in a relationship when you are of two minds. Please don't rush to get married to either of them.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Shalini

Shalini Singh  |161 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on May 13, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 11, 2025
Relationship
Hi Shalini ji I was in a serious relationship for 6 years with a boy whom I met on the 1st day of my college. He was from a different caste. Hence when my parents got to know they disapproved of it very strictly so I knew it wasnt going to work that easily. After sometime they started asking to get married. It was an ultimate pressure while we both were preparing for some government exams. I went through utter confusion and I got stuck between trying to study and at the same time thinking about my future with him. I was pressurised by my family including my brother and parents to leave him. Meanwhile I decided to not to carry it forward because I couldn't leave my parents for whole life to be with him because it was either him or my family. I lost all the focus towards my studies due to this decision and also started talking to some other boy (he was from my own caste accidently) whom I met accidentally at an exam centre for comfort. I got a brief moments of happiness with him. I confide my pain in him. Suddenly something happened in my family ,between my parents. And my mother started acting like you can choose your own partner for life because somehow she lost trust on my father. She even was comfortable with my brother's marriage with the one whom he loves. Now I feel completely betrayed because for them I left love of my life and got into another relationship with the boy I met at an exam center ( which now I feel was a hasty decision as I felt alone and depressed). Now no one talks about my real love and what i think about it for the future. I am in a complete state of repentance. I feel like I betrayed him. Now when i think of getting back to him I hesitate a lot because I think that I took a wrong decision due to the pressure and under stress. The person I am with now, I feel is not what I wanted as a partner and I feel that he is not mentally supportive. I wnat to leave him as well. What should I do now to be happy?
Ans: 1. Happiness is in your hand
2. You sound like an adult, over 21 and someone who knows what is right and what is not - so take action
3. If you are not happy in your current relationship, come out of it.
4. If you wish to reconnect with your earlier partner do so, but keep in mind he may not be single and if he is he will not be how you knew him, as in he will come with his own experience of life.

all the best.

..Read more

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Dr Nagarajan J S K   |702 Answers  |Ask -

NEET, Medical, Pharmacy Careers - Answered on Jun 06, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 05, 2025
Career
I'm scoring 601 in NEET 2025. A lot of rank predictors are showing my rank to be less than 10000. Should I believe them? Will i get a government college? Please let me know if i should keep hoping or not
Ans: HI
The NTA has not yet declared the results and rankings for NEET2025. Generally, predictions are based on probabilities, and many factors are involved in determining the exact rank.

For example, you have only shared your marks, but not other important details such as category and domicile. If your category changes, it can significantly affect your predicted rank. To get a more accurate prediction regarding availability, you need to provide comprehensive details, including expected marks, category, gender, whether you are physically challenged, and relevant details..

With your score, changing parameters such as your category can lead to significant changes in predictions. The purpose of these predictions is to help you prepare for what comes next, especially before you appear for counseling. This process is crucial for your future. It is important to accept guidance—even if it’s virtual—because there are lakhs of candidates appearing and numerous seats available across the country, and seat allocation must be done fairly.

Since the information provided is freely available, it is not good to simply ignore or question it. A positive attitude is essential.

If you haven't shared the proper information with the predictor and gathered the necessary details, please do so.

BEST WISHES.
POOCHO. LIFE CHANGE KARO!

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8866 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 06, 2025

Money
Dear Sir I am now 60 yrs and retiring next month. By god's grace I have no EMI, Loan and any liability. My present expenses is around 200,000 Rs/month. I have EPF of 85 lacs, PPF of 17 lacs, FD in Bank of 2 Cr and MFs of 85 Lac so far. I will get 3000 INR as Pension per month. I wish to understand if all this is sufficient corpus down the line for 10 yrs. Please advice how one can manage in this much for a couple.
Ans: You are entering retirement with zero loans, a high monthly budget, and a solid asset base. That is a great position. You now need a very simple, tax-efficient, and low-stress plan to manage this wealth for the next 10 years and beyond.

Let us break this into key sections to plan from every angle.

Your Financial Snapshot at Retirement

You are retiring next month at age 60.

You have no liabilities, which is excellent.

Your monthly household expense is around Rs. 2 lakh.

You have Rs. 85 lakh in EPF, which will now be withdrawn.

You have Rs. 17 lakh in PPF, which is maturing soon or can be extended.

You have Rs. 2 crore in bank fixed deposits already.

You also have Rs. 85 lakh in mutual funds.

Your monthly pension is Rs. 3,000, which is too small to count.

Retirement Corpus Total and Its Strength

Your combined corpus today is about Rs. 3.87 crore.

At 2 lakh monthly expense, your annual expense is Rs. 24 lakh.

You need Rs. 2.4 crore just to cover 10 years without interest.

But your funds will earn income also.

So your present corpus is strong enough for 10 years and more.

With proper planning, this can last 20 years or more.

Expected Inflation and Expense Growth

Inflation is likely to be 6% to 7% yearly on average.

So your Rs. 2 lakh monthly expense may rise to Rs. 3.5 lakh in 10 years.

Your plan should therefore give both income now and growth later.

Your Goals in Retirement

Have monthly income of Rs. 2 lakh that grows over time.

Keep taxes as low as possible.

Maintain full liquidity for any medical or family needs.

Grow part of the corpus for long-term safety.

Leave behind wealth for your spouse or children, if possible.

Problems to Avoid in Retirement

Do not put all money in FDs. Inflation will eat the value.

Do not depend only on interest. It will not grow with expenses.

Do not keep too much in savings accounts. Returns are too low.

Do not chase direct stocks or risky options. You are not working anymore.

Asset Allocation for Next 10 Years

Divide the Rs. 3.87 crore into 3 buckets.

Bucket 1: Income Bucket – For first 5 years of income

This should be around Rs. 1.25 crore.

Use this for immediate monthly income and any emergency needs.

Keep it in laddered fixed deposits (of 1-5 years) and bank RDs.

Also use ultra-short duration debt mutual funds through MFD with CFP support.

Ensure liquidity and steady income.

Bucket 2: Growth + Safety Bucket – For years 6 to 10

Allocate around Rs. 1.25 crore here.

Invest in hybrid mutual funds and short-term debt funds.

Rebalance every 2 years with help of a CFP.

This gives balance of safety and slow growth.

Bucket 3: Long-Term Growth Bucket – For after 10 years

Keep the remaining Rs. 1.37 crore here.

Invest in actively managed mutual funds only, not index funds.

Choose multi-cap, large-cap, and flexi-cap categories.

Do not choose direct mutual funds yourself.

Invest through MFD linked with a Certified Financial Planner.

This will grow money for medical costs, spouse’s future, or legacy.

Your Monthly Income Strategy

From Bucket 1, start a monthly SWP (systematic withdrawal plan) from debt funds.

You can also break small FDs monthly or quarterly to support income.

Refill Bucket 1 every 3 years by transferring from Bucket 2.

From age 70 onward, draw from Bucket 3 if needed.

Always keep 6 months’ expenses in bank savings for liquidity.

Cash Flow and Tax Management

FD interest is taxable at slab rate. So spread FDs between yourself and spouse.

Use debt mutual funds for lower taxes with STCG at 20% and LTCG as per slab.

Mutual funds are more tax-efficient than FDs over time.

Withdraw smartly using SWP to stay within low tax slabs.

You can also use PPF extension with contribution for 5 more years.

That gives tax-free growth and safety.

Emergency Medical Planning

Keep Rs. 15–20 lakh in a separate liquid FD or debt fund for medical use.

This is your health buffer. Do not touch it unless for emergency.

Keep this in joint name with spouse for easy access.

If your health insurance is low, buy a super top-up plan with Rs. 25 lakh or more.

Managing PPF and EPF Corpus

EPF of Rs. 85 lakh can be withdrawn tax-free.

Use part of it to build Bucket 1 and part for long-term Bucket 3.

PPF of Rs. 17 lakh is also tax-free.

You can keep it locked or extend for 5 years with or without contribution.

Use it as a tax-free part of your safety bucket.

Mutual Fund Strategy – What to Do Now

Rs. 85 lakh in mutual funds is a good base.

Do not sell it all suddenly. Use part for Bucket 2 and 3.

Review each fund with your Certified Financial Planner.

Shift from mid or small cap to more stable large/multi/flexi-cap mix.

Use only regular plans. Avoid direct funds.

Direct funds may look cheaper, but you miss support and rebalancing.

A good MFD with CFP helps you avoid wrong switches and panic.

Asset Rebalancing Every 2 Years

Every 2–3 years, revisit your asset buckets.

Move money from growth bucket to income bucket when needed.

Use SWP, FD breaks, and PPF maturity to refill buckets.

This keeps your income smooth and your capital growing.

Legacy and Estate Planning

Create a simple Will. It avoids confusion later.

Nominate spouse or children in all investments.

Keep a record of assets, passwords, and bank details.

Talk to your family and explain the system you have set.

Keep one person trusted for future medical or financial help.

Expenses After 10 Years

At age 70, you may need Rs. 3.5 lakh or more per month.

By that time, Bucket 3 will start giving income.

The mutual fund growth and rebalancing will support this.

If health declines, medical spending can rise. Plan accordingly.

If any lump sum is required, break long-term FDs or redeem mutual funds.

What You Should Not Do

Do not buy new insurance or annuities. You don’t need them.

Do not go for index funds. They do not protect well in falling markets.

Actively managed funds perform better with a proper planner.

Do not invest in stocks or risky bonds for extra returns.

Do not take advice from unqualified persons or relatives.

Do not keep too much idle money in savings accounts.

Use a Certified Financial Planner to Monitor

A CFP will track your income plan, tax impact, and medical reserve.

Your needs will change over 10 years. Rebalancing is a must.

Without planning, even a big corpus can shrink due to wrong choices.

With proper strategy, your corpus can last for 20+ years with growth.

Investment Monitoring Checklist

Review all FDs every year. Renew or restructure as per needs.

Check mutual fund portfolio every 6 months with MFD.

Track income, expense, and surplus monthly.

Record all redemptions and tax impact.

Make your spouse aware of all decisions.

Other Important Tips

Keep a small part in gold only if needed for future gifting.

Avoid new real estate for investment. It reduces liquidity.

Use mobile apps only for checking balances, not for investing.

Always double check SMS and emails from banks or mutual funds.

Maintain a yearly summary sheet of all investments.

Keep one trusted CA or tax expert to help during filing.

Finally

You have built your wealth with care. You can now protect it with discipline.

Rs. 3.87 crore is enough for the next 10–15 years with smart withdrawal.

But you need structure. Divide your corpus into 3 buckets as explained.

Avoid risky new products. Stick to what you understand.

Take help from a Certified Financial Planner to do annual checks.

This will keep your income steady, taxes low, and worries away.

Plan for your spouse too. Ensure she can handle money if anything happens.

With this approach, your retirement can be peaceful and financially secure.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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