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Shalini

Shalini Singh  |80 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Sep 19, 2023

Shalini Singh is the founder of andwemet, an online matchmaking service for urban Indians living in India and overseas. After graduating from college as a kindergarten teacher, Singh worked at various firms specialising in marketing strategy, digital marketing and public relations before finding her niche as an entrepreneur. In 2008, she founded Galvanise PR, an independent communications and public relations. In 2019, she launched andwemet.
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Asked by Anonymous - Sep 16, 2023Hindi
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Hi Shalini, My case is strange. I am 54 now. But I can forget my old flame of 1991. She was my neighbor, six years younger to me. We were good friends. She would often come to my house and she had great bonding with my mother. I liked her so I confessed my feelings and she accepted it. I was a believer that I will marry the girl, I fall in love with. So, I was looking for an ideal relationship and then ending in a marriage. To my shock, I found myself that she had 2 boy friends. One of them was a notorious guy who was jailed few times. She was not able to say no to anybody. Perhaps, she liked the fact that boys fell for her. I was disturbed. I failed in my engineering year that year. Later, I couldn't finish my degree Engineering. I had Diploma Engineering so I pursued my job basis on it and then became a Director of a US company. I got married and I have a loving wife taking my good care. We have a lovely kid and everything is fine. Somehow, my missing Degree engineering is still hurting me. That girl later married and shifted to the US and she also has two kids. How can I forever bury this hurt and move on to my life?

Ans: You can move on by focusing on what is working for you vs thinking about the past and things that have not worked out in your favour, wishing you the best.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 13, 2022

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Hello, I had a very disturbed childhood. My marriage was also in troubled waters with fights happening twice in a week.Then I came across a girl who was 17 years younger than me. I am a model from a reputed college and was earning much better.That girl became die-hard fan. Once I scolded her in the middle of the road for her advanced steps toward me like touching etc.I was very much attached to my kids. Then she became friendly with my 2-3 year old kids.After 2 years of relationship we became physical. I used to send her Rs 3,000-4000/ month for her expenses in her engineering college.She used to hug me, love me (acted like she did). When my father expired, I was low. She was there during all those dark times.Then she got a job and broke up with me. She came back to me after a year. Instead of kicking her out, I got addicted to her and changed myself to keep her happy.I even went to her native town to assist her during super cyclone risking my own life. I spent 3 days there as a refugee because cyclone had devastated the entire city. There was no food and water. She got me food 2 times a day from her home. After 3 days train services resumed.I spent my best time with her and felt like a 17 year old boy in her company and I lived my life.Seven years later she told me that she will not marry me. In between she insisted to get divorce.I applied for a mutual divorce in family court.Then I told her to break up. She refused saying she did not want to face that pain again.She said if she found someone she will say upfront to me.I agreed and wasted another 3 years with her. I was her CA/bodyguard/driver.One day she told me she finalized someone and I went for sudden breakup.We exchanged few e-mails till my ego got hurt.It’s been 3 years now I have not replied to her mail.She kept sending mails till March last year.During this phase I had pain during breathing, high BP and no sleep for 4-5 days.I consulted doctor and took medication for almost for 6 months.I suffered from broken heart syndrome.I am 45 years old now and have no interest in my life.I am just doing my duty.My ego does not permit to see her FB/TWITTER. It’s been two years since I saw her on social media.It appears like everything is fine but I feel hollow from within.I don’t want her back or her smile. Whenever someone talks about love, I smile from within on his stupidity and try to figure out what benefit the girl is getting from him.My issue is hollowness and hopelessness.
Ans:

Dear SB,

Whatever you did in the past with the girl, simply gave you a sense of validation at that point in time. Isn’t it clear that she has moved on?

Simply be thankful to her for the way she stepped in when you were in need. What didn’t happen was not meant to happen!

No point being angry with her for moving on in her life. Try and be happy for her and focus on yourself now.

What do you love doing?

Who are your friends that you love spending time with?

When was the last time you took care of your physical health?

Do you know that spending time in Nature heals your broken heart as well?

All these questions, are for you to have a reality check on how much you have focused on the outside and no focus on yourself.

Answer these questions and start to look after yourself with a lot of self-love and care. You will heal and move ahead very meaningfully.

Be well and all the best!

..Read more

Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 30, 2022

Relationship
Hello Sir or Madam. Please keep me as anonymous only. Let me tell my story. I am 29 now. Work for an MNC for the past six years. From middle class family with big circle. Before going to speak out on my problem, let me tell my nature, how I was brought up, studies and attitude. Since we are middle class family with no financial crisis, I never seen ups and downs in Life accordingly. In the case of studies, I was topper at all levels of education till MBA from reputed institute. I was like love is trash n waste of time. When I used to hear all love stories, I used to feel pity on them. But I did maintain very good relationship with many, many girls (not GF type). But now I am going through the hell just because of one girl whom I was forcibly loved her and later I addicted to her with true love. During COVID I had to go WFH for two years. She visited her granny’s house and stayed back for few weeks. They live in Bangalore. I have never seen her face or noticed her during the time when she stayed. But she noticed, observed and enquired about me. So once she left to Bangalore, she sent FB request and I accepted. Immediately we have exchanged numbers and started texting ‘n’ talking. Initially I rejected her since she is eight years junior to me. Later she emotionally told once as she lost her father very recently and she just don’t want to go into depression again if I reject her. I got convinced and started loving truly. I replaced her father in her life which she used to tell. One day, she got caught by her brother while she was on call with me. Since we belong to different castes, they rejected me. She got house arrested. There was no connection between us. First time in life I fell into depression. I lost my job after just three weeks when she got separated from me. I was unable to speak anyone in the world. My family ‘n’ circle was afraid as I may do harm to myself for her. On December 16, 2021, I tried to commit suicide by writing a letter in laptop to her telling how I was missing her ‘n’ needed her. Took print and left to railway track to die. I took alcohol and was on the track. Someone rescued me and took me to hometown from Bangalore with PAN card address which was in my purse. Every day I was losing hope on my life. Finally I got call from her number in the first week of Jan. I was happy and cried like anything with her on call. She told that she would never leave me alone whatever happens ‘n’ who ever tries to separate us. Again, I took my energy ‘n’ hopes back and started job searching. There was 1 month gap again until Feb 8, 2022. After that she used to call me whenever it is possible. From March 15 to March 31, she kept fighting with me over call and spoken mercilessly. There was no kindness or love or concern on me. Again, I lost hope on my life. She kept asking me to stay away from her. She knew that I cannot initiate contact from my end, since she only should do whenever she able to do. Day by day, I am losing interest on my Life. I left the job. Now I’m alone with her thoughts and words spoken by her. My family n circle knew all this drama what’s going on. They hate me for losing self-respect for a girl. But I have never seen that girl as a girl. I am addicted to alcohol, day ‘n’ night drinking and surviving. I knew she won’t come back if I ruin my life like this by drinking ‘n’ all. But I just can’t control myself over her. The promises which she made me were gone... But still I stand for her, for what I promised. I begged the girl like anything not to leave me alone. I just can’t digest that she won’t be no more for me. N number of the times I used to tell her that You are my first priority over all in my life, like family, siblings, money, career and what not. Most of the times I told her that I’ll commit suicide for you if I come to know that you are not there for me. It doesn’t mean that I am an emotional fool who does not know how to live or unable to get another girl. But you have such significance in my life. I elaborated as much as I can. But she never listened me. I am just wonder where was her sweet words ‘n’ promises, what’s the reality now? I am upset with me -- where was original me and who I am now without self-respect. My parents ‘n’ siblings are forcing me to give up on her. As per them, she is just a golddigger and cheater without love and trust... My mind n heart never ever forgets her. Don’t know the future. But many times I pray God to kill me in sleep itself without pain so I can reach Venkateshwara... Entire world is against that girl, but I am defending her at every passing moment. Human beings invented many amazing things. My wish is we should be available with tablets or injection which can erase memories which belongs to particular person or for particular time in life... The real enemy to the human beings is LOVE.... Finally I am just waiting for my death... I knew that she won’t realise even if I die also. But I should sleep forever and ever just because for the crime I did love her.... Dear Bujji, it’s for you. I am also a human being as like U. As like your mother, even my mother has given birth to me. Finally, no words.... I am alone... Memories are hunting me.... chasing me... Love Guru, please publish this story as it is. Because someone may going through hell with similar story at least they will read the Q&A as well. Love Guru... I hate me... I do have all with me -- good health, 21 LPA job now, stabilised family and friends ‘n’ family circle... But this bloody struggling to get her love amongst the 7 billion people on this Earth... Love Guru, I feel that I lost. I am feeling low... I got cheated by her... Finally I am nothing to her. Dear readers, don’t think that why this fool is suffering for a girl like this.... I have seen her my GODDESS... Thank you... Have a nice day…
Ans:

You’ve needlessly wound yourself up over a silly girl.

You don’t even sound like you’ve had a physical relationship, it was only long distance, so what are you getting so out of joint for? A few intimate conversations with someone who said one thing but meant another?

If things in your life are spiralling so much out of control, I’d suggest therapy.

Stop drinking before it becomes a real problem. It sounds like you’re doing this to yourself deliberately, so that you receive some attention from her.

But the more you do this, the worse the situation will get. And no woman wants an out-of-control, desperate, alcoholic lover!

For heavens’ sake, man, get a hold of yourself and, if you can’t, then get the professional help you need. 

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 19, 2022

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Hi, I am 33 years old; happily married for the last 4 years and have a 3 year old kid.There is no problem in my married life however I had a huge crush on one of my batchmates during college days.The entire college knew about it including the girl but it never materialized further as I was never able to confess directly to her.We parted ways after college and I accepted that this girl was not for me and moved on. This was during the pre-social media era. However, off late, especially during lockdown I came across her photos on FB/Insta and my old emotions resurfaced. Now there is not a single day when I don't remember her and think about an alternate life with her.It's not like that I don’t love my wife anymore or romance has fizzled out between us but it seems that old crush is constantly on my mind and I’m not able to get her off my mind.I can’t tell this to that girl as she is already married and has no contact anymore with me. I can’t tell this to my wife as well because she has absolutely no hint about it.I am just thinking about how to get this monkey off my back and erase that girl completely out of my memory. I tried to block her on social media, but it doesn’t help much. It feels like some unfinished business which keeps bothering me every moment.Can you advise me how to get out of this situation?
Ans:

IK 

The challenge of What IS v/s What could have been!

Our minds over time have been trained to ‘CHASE’ what we don’t have/possess and dream of what it could have been if we had it in the first place.

Indulging in this can lead you to creating an alternate rosy reality that you start to live and feel is true.

Let’s get back to the factual reality, yeah?

You are married with a 3-year-old child; happy.

Social media intervenes, throws you off balance as you reminisce and feel each emotion come alive; and well, the girl is married as well!

Here’s reworking the situation for you.

Erasing memories doesn’t happen, you can only dull them over time as the feeling diminishes. And you do seem to be willing to move on…

Yes, moving on is the answer when you know that there truly isn’t a future with the other girl.

Why would you focus on something that’s a fairy tale, why would you not focus on your romance filled marriage more?

Sometimes, boredom can lead to leaning into newness and freshness and also what could have been!

I would point you in the direction on more focus and leaning into your marriage; making it exciting, bringing in freshness and newness.

Spend more time as a couple; have someone watch over the child while you rekindle the spice in your marriage.

Instead of focusing on avoiding the other girl, do you feel that you must start to put your energies into your marriage?

You might see your wife in a new light altogether that might create room for ‘being’ with her more. Newer focus, newer perspectives, newer feelings…

Happy 2022 and wishing you the best!

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |248 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 15, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 14, 2023Hindi
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Hi , I am Jose. I have a very complicated relationship issue. I loved a girl when I was about 18, she was from a financially better off family. This was a major reason that I hesitated to tell her about my love, instead remained a friend. She was better qualified too. I started working and wanted to be in a financially better situation before I confessed my love for her. In the meanwhile she got herself admitted in a college in the US, I decided to tell her, but was too late, she had already committed herself to her senior in college. We made a promise to each other that we will remain friends. We kept in touch through letters. Then I decided to get married as per the family wishes. Shortly she too got married to her boyfriend . We told our partners about each other. We continued to keep in touch thro email and phone calls once/twice in a year. We would meet once or twice every time she would visit from the US. We never had any physical relationship at the most it would be a peck on the cheek or just holding hands. We immersed ourselves in our personal / professional lives. We had 2 sons with our partners. Now the boys are in their 20's. In the meanwhile she found out her husband was having a relationship with some other woman, in the ensuing arguments it led to their divorce a couple of years back. Since 2021 I had 2 heart attacks, and survived. All these years I never had a happy life , we stayed together due to societal pressures and in the last 2 years we never had a physical relation too. She always had a hatred towards physical relationship. I hate forcing myself on her, so we have remained seperate in the last few years. After my 2nd attack, my friend helped me stop my smoking and somehow our chats on whatsapp or personal meets when she comes here have started becoming very mushy and with a lots of deeply loving words. I know I cannot divorce my wife as I would lose a lot of my immovable properties on which i depend for my rental income as I have actually gifted my wife a lot of my properties. Nowadays I am getting drawn towards my friend again and very strongly. Confused, and not knowing how to proceed. I am no longer working and depend on rentals for my earnings.
Ans: My dear friend,

It sounds like you're in a very complicated situation, and it's understandable that you feel confused and unsure about how to proceed. It's important to take some time to really think about what you want and what's best for you, as well as consider the impact of your actions on those around you.

First, it's important to acknowledge that your friend is currently in a vulnerable position after going through a divorce. While it's natural to feel drawn towards her, it's important to make sure that any actions you take are respectful and considerate of her feelings and needs.

At the same time, it's also important to consider your own needs and desires. You mentioned feeling unhappy in your current relationship and feeling drawn towards your friend again. It's important to really examine those feelings and think about what it is that you want in your life and your relationships.

However, it's also important to consider the potential consequences of your actions. You mentioned that you cannot divorce your wife without losing a significant amount of your income, and that you've already gifted her a lot of your properties. It's important to consider the financial and emotional impact that divorce could have on both you and your wife, as well as any children or other family members who may be affected.

One possible option could be to explore couples therapy or marriage counseling to see if there are ways to improve your current relationship and address the issues that have been causing unhappiness. It's also important to communicate openly and honestly with your friend about your feelings, but to do so in a way that is respectful and considerate of her feelings and needs as well.

Ultimately, the decision about how to proceed is up to you, but it's important to take the time to really think things through and consider all the potential consequences of your actions.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |227 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jun 14, 2024

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |248 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 18, 2024Hindi
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I am about 68 year's I have two sons who are married via arranged process. My younger son's wife is educated teacher. But she had a torturous up bring during high school days. Leading to least interest in married life after marriage. She deserted my son soon after marriage. This led to break down in marriage now heading for a divorce. Please advise.
Ans: It sounds like a deeply painful situation for everyone involved, especially considering the emotional trauma your daughter-in-law experienced during her formative years.

It's important to recognize that individuals who have gone through traumatic experiences in their youth can carry emotional wounds that affect their relationships later in life. These scars may manifest in ways that make it difficult for them to fully engage in marital life or maintain a healthy relationship.

In situations like these, it’s crucial to approach with empathy and understanding. Your daughter-in-law’s decision to desert your son and pursue divorce likely stems from her own internal struggles and emotional turmoil. It’s not a reflection of your son’s worth or efforts within the marriage.

Moving forward, it might be helpful for your son to focus on his own healing and well-being. Encouraging him to seek support from friends, family, or a professional counselor can provide him with a safe space to process his emotions and navigate this challenging transition.

As a family, offering unconditional support and empathy to both your son and daughter-in-law can create an environment where healing and understanding can begin. It’s important to respect each individual’s journey and decisions while also recognizing the need for compassion during this difficult time.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |248 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 19, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I am 40 yr old woman. I am staying with my husband who always doubt me without any reason. As he is dependent on me. He is jobless from last 5 yr. I am the only earning person I don't have any type of attitude. While balancing professional as well as personal life I use to listen his bitter words every day. Not only that he started beating me like anything Just coz of so-called reputation I tolerate him. But 7 months back I came across with a man in my life we both started liking each other, I shared everything with him. But he left his job due to some issues with manager and started working somewhere else. He started ignoring me. Please help me out to understand what is right and wrong in this?
Ans: Balancing the pressures of professional life with the strain of an abusive marriage is a heavy burden, and you deserve to feel safe, respected, and valued.

Your husband's behavior—doubting you without cause, subjecting you to daily verbal abuse, and physically harming you—is deeply troubling and completely unacceptable. It's important to acknowledge that no matter the circumstances, you do not deserve to be treated this way. The fear of societal judgment and concerns about reputation are common reasons people stay in harmful relationships, but your well-being and safety are far more important than maintaining appearances.

Meeting someone who offers emotional support when you’re in such a painful situation is understandable. It’s natural to seek comfort and a connection when you're feeling isolated and mistreated. However, the new man's recent behavior, where he started ignoring you after changing jobs, might feel like another layer of abandonment. This is especially tough because you opened up and shared your struggles with him, hoping for understanding and companionship.

In terms of what’s right and wrong, it's essential to focus on your needs and well-being. Staying in an abusive relationship is harmful to your physical and emotional health. You have the right to seek safety and happiness. The relationship with the new man might have provided temporary emotional relief, but it seems he's not able to be the supportive presence you hoped for, especially now when he’s pulling away.
Right now, focus on what you need to feel safe and supported. Consider reaching out to trusted friends, family, or professional services who can help you navigate this challenging time. You deserve a life free from fear and filled with respect and care. Prioritizing your own happiness and safety is the most important step forward.

...Read more

Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |551 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jun 20, 2024

Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |551 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jun 20, 2024

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