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Pooja

Pooja Khera  | Answer  |Ask -

Life, Relationship Coach - Answered on Apr 05, 2023

Pooja Khera has a PGDM in human resources from Amity University and is a happiness and wellbeing coach certified by Yale University. She also has a master's degree in astrology and is a tarot card reader as well.... more
KMNITK Question by KMNITK on Apr 04, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

I’m married for 14 years and have a 12 yr old son, both working. It was love marriage but before marriage explained me that leaving her ex from her college as it was not true love. After these 14 years, I came to know that they were having physical relation as well and the same hurt me very hard and couldn’t focus on anything and difficult to believe that with whom I spent 14 yr and still there is something can be hidden. Thats not all, on domestic issues whenever we have argument on household work/ expenses/ guiding son on studying etc, if she is not able to answer or didn’t like my response couldn’t control her anger, she tried to stangle me, beat me up, slapping, pour water/ hot tea on me, also not to mention abusing me in front of my son. Also many times she threatened to end her life by taking a knife in hand or by closing door to attempt hanging. That’s why bedroom & washroom door locks are broken in my house. Due to all these I left house twice in these years but due to her repeated apology and affection to my son I returned. Now I think all these are unbearable and need to take some step for resolution. Also as my son is old enough to understand all happenings don’t want ruin his life with all these nuisance. Humble request to advice as I’m under tremendous pain.

Ans: Violence in any form is unacceptable and alone th reason to walk out of the relationship. No one should ensure violence , disrespect or manipulation in any relationship and in your case there are all three of them. In my opinion, you should walk out of this marriage given your partner has proven there's no change at her end.

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Hi, I am 48 years old living in Bangalore. When my parents were alive I had the best life. But my life changed after I got married. My first marriage lasted 8 years without children. She left me. I was devastated. During this time my dad expired. I took back my life and for my mom I remarried. It's has been 12 years now. But I always wonder why I am alive.I am staying with my wife in her house, using her things. But I have bought stuff for home.She made me sell my car and give her money. She bought a car.We have a son whom I love a lot .She fights with me every day even through calls. I used to have a good business. I could not concentrate so had to shut it down.I am working but cannot stick around in one place as my personal life has gone for a toss.I am giving 95% of my salary to her still she asks me to get things. When I ask her for something she gets violent.She is working too and doing good.My life is hell. She hits me and is abusive too.
Ans:

Dear P,

It’s sad that you are a victim of circumstances, but your second marriage probably was meant to be a failure right from Day One.

When you marry for someone else’s sake, how are you going to be committed to your partner? Marriage is about two people in love creating a bonding through trust and working at it.

It doesn’t seem like you entered marriage realizing or honouring this.

And possibly your wife also does not want to be in this marriage and finds harassing you a pastime.

Why are the two still in the marriage?

If both of you cannot see eye to eye or do not want to work your differences, then it’s just going to be a journey filled with abuses and more bad memories.

Make sure you take care of your child’s welfare before you take any major steps. Either put your marriage back on track or look at options.

It’s your peace of mind that counts and how all this is impacting the child. So the ranting has to end and action towards what is possible must be taken.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 25, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 09, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
I have 28 + years of frustrated and abusive and absolutely unsatisfied marriage. It was arranged but involved bitterness from both sides. My father did my relationship because of temptation and so many false facts from the in -laws' side. I was not interested but due to family compulsions I couldn't resist. Somehow i feel sad that my father got trapped due to greed and always feel bad about him, my mother was illiterate and did not have much opinion on anything. It was full of falsehood and cheating. I am very simple and minimalist persons, just after marriage wife and inlaws started torturing me to breakaway from my parents, being alone son and with the help of sisters managed parents with lot of difficulties but thought time will heal. I was thinking of separation just after 6 months but somehow was in difficult shape, couldn't ask. Meanwhile Father in law died and i thought it's inhuman to give separation at this critical time and accepted my destiny, My wife was very clever and managed balanced relation till her brother and sister got settled and we decided to welcome kids and blessed with two sons but after all her responsibility over, she again showed same behavior rather more aggressive and color and i almost separated from parents. I am in Govt service and was threatened to file a false case, with all difficulties, managed with balancing, hiding something here and there. After the death of parents , things worsened and she is eying on all property of inheritance to be sold . I don't trust her at all , I want to give all to my sons and then quit. She always threatens , i want to be separated and live my old age peacefully alone without any property but all I want to give to my sons , not to her . Please suggest a way , I am afraid she can file a false domestic violence case or even to give me poison . I am very tense nowadays and my health is deteriorating.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Never live in fear because that can always be used by someone who is searching for an opportunity to meddle with your life.
Deal with this fear in two ways:
1. For fear of false case filing against you, kindly approach a lawyer who will guide you on how to protect your assets
2. For fear of the way your life is moving about in an unsettling manner, do work on it rather than fear it
- Separation or not, will have to be decided by you and your wife and make it as amicable as possible...
- If there are chances of reconciliation, do lay down some ground rules for both of you which includes deeper level of communication, deeper listening, trust building...

Most relationships sour over a period of time, because 'taking for granted' seeps in, there are unrealistic expectations for one another, children become an excuse for not spending enough time each other, family members somehow get into the equation which allows little room for the couple to understand one another...
the list goes on...
It simply means: Marriage is something that needs constant working on...it requires time, energy and effort...

All the best!

..Read more

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Hi Madam, I'm 60,retired, my wife is 47, our son is 23. I had love marriage and was leading a happy married life. Just after silver jubilee of our wedding anniversary I accidentally came to know that my wife is madly in love with one of our common married friend who runs a simple shop. Upon investigation I found that they are in relation for last 12 years and were enjoying sex in my own house for such a long time. He hails from an uneducated family and is not even cultured. I could not believe that the wife of a highly educated socially respected man could do this with a shopkeeper who does not have any socio economic status. I am living a normal life with my wife for the sake of our only child. Once he settles in life I have decided to end my life. Ofcourse I still love her as ours was a love marriage. I seek your wise suggestion in this regard, should I divorce her or live a normal life that we are doing?
Ans: Dear Shristi,
It is obviously very shocking for you to know that things have been happening behind your back.
Now, how you want this to move on from here on, is a decision only you must make! Have you had a chat with your wife about the association that she has with the other person? Does she know that you know about it?
If she doesn't, then you need to make her aware and yes, do ask her whether she is interested at all in the marriage. That will give you an idea as to whether things are worth fighting for or is it best to walk away!

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Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 03, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello madam I a 32 year old married man with a kid , who is 6 years old. I have done arrange marriage with my own decision I agreed to my parents for the marrige at that time I was in a casual relationship with a girl I didn't said anything to the girl and get married to someone else. After that I tried to live a happay life with my wife without thinking about the girl whom I left behind, from outside I tried to be happy with my wife but my wife thought doesn't matches with me so I felt so disturbed from inside. Still I was trying to continue the relationship for sake of our child but suddenly I got my ex love contact and I was so happy that after so long time I got a chance to talk to her, I have tried to meet her but she always refused to meet me because she was in a relationship. I tried many times and due to some misconduct I again lost her for the second time. At this moment when she is not with me her thoughts memories are troubling me so much I am in pain, what am I suppose to do to get rid of the pain?? Please help
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There is no point wanting a 'past' relationship just because you have one...what if that relationship did not exist, you would have possibly made efforts to make your marriage work, right?
Then do just that...DO NOT treat your marriage as an option...which marriage is a perfect one? And are all spouses tailor-made to fit one another?
So, if her thoughts don't match with yours, then even yours don't match with hers...so, should she also think of jumping into some other relationship. Please act mature about this especially with a child in the entire equation; try and understand each other...speak about your differences and find ways of working on them by accepting them. Ex-love etc looks all very nice, but come down to ground reality; please...work on your marriage!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

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Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 15, 2024Hindi
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I am 50 years old and got married 15 years ago. I am a very spontaneous sort of a guy and enjoy life, partying etc. I was also very active socially.My wife being the complete opposite put a stop to all that once we got married. She also does not display any affection and has no interest in physical intimacy. She is just concerned with her housework.We also have lot of differences in mental attitude & intellectual abilities. At no stage will we ever seperate, however, I am unhappy with her nature. She has lot of friends, however is always at daggers drawn with in her in laws. We had to stay separately for 6 months, and I tried looking for love else where, however after a couple of months, I realised, that I missed her. I am in a quandary. Despite requesting her to work on our relationship, I get no response. Please advise on how to proceed.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand you are in a tough spot. But it's nice to see that after all those years of differences, you still have genuine feelings for her. I strongly suggest considering marriage counseling. From your description of your marriage, it seems to be there have been issues from the very beginning of it. It's been too long and now those issues must've become deep-rooted. Seeing a professional can be a game-changer. They can guide you out of this slump more methodically and help you navigate the emotions you are feeling right now. It can also help you understand the reasons for your wife's disinterest and handle it better.

Best Wishes

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Ravi Mittal  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 02, 2024Hindi
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Hii, I have an love marriage after 9 years of dating and 6 years, 2 children post marriage, my little one is 11 months old now. My husband has an affair upto chatting to someone in his company, his junior but in different department, when my Lil one was 1 month old, we had in a rough patch then due to child birth and family drama. When I saw it and confronted him, he said he is sorry and won't do it again, we had multiple fights for 3-4 months after then due to same reason, but he mostly listen and consol. It's been a lot of mental torture for me. I love my husband a lot and he is a good person, but sometimes sill I see her msg in his phone asking for small helps or casual msg. She is also married. I am not sure my husband deletes msg or what, I am not able to get over this. Before it, this is was preety much a good relationship. I am highly educated and independent women. I don't want anything form my husband apart from love. What should I do, whenever I tell him I want to just leave and let him have his life, he won't let me somehow. We are having a good physical relationship 2-4 times a week( just to tell where we are). Please help me...I can't overcome that he is making fool of me...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am sorry to hear you are in such a tough spot. I would suggest considering marriage counseling. A professional who can help you both tackle these issues would be helpful in this situation. I understand that it was his mistake and he needs to put the effort to make you trust him again, but since you are still together, you will also have to put in the effort to let it. I know it is difficult and that's where marriage counselor comes in. They can help you navigate these feelings. Moreover, if he is indeed hiding something, therapy can help that come out in the open.

Hope this helps.

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi, Me(M38) and wife(F37) happily married for 12 years and blessed with one daughter. Partner(F28)continuing friendship with a person[M] who had crush on her before marriage considered emotional infidelity? Me(M38) and wife(F37) happily married for 12 years and blessed with one daughter. My wife is having friendship (strictly platonic) with a guy from her 10tlh grade (same class). Before our marriage (she may be doing her college, our relationship just started may be 2 weeks) this guy told her he has genuine interest in her and he want to take the relationship further if she wants, she said she is not interested in a relationship and she got committed, she always saw him as a friend, no other feelings for him and we can be friends if you don't bring any romantic interest again. He never took this talk again ever after and happy to be a friend. They are talking as friends. She got married to me. He also got married. They still do chats once in a month. She introduced me to him and visited his home when we visited his city. He also came to our home once (me and my family was there). She used to update me with chat she had with him and the content they are chatting. I am ok with that When we were talking about our school life and college life 2 years before. She said this guy had crush on her during her college days. I asked her, why did not she tell me this info till now. She said it is not purposely, she does not feel the need to do as the person is not in-appropriate with her and continuing as good friend as promised after she rejected his proposal. I don’t want to create any unnecessary issues as I don’t have any felling or so with him. That time I checked their chats completely, it’s about update about their common friends, their recent travel, their job, meditation courses and the books they read recently. I haven’t seen any flirting or romantic message from either of them. So I am perfectly fine with it and had no problems. I recently came to know about the concept of emotional cheating which is very new to me. Before that cheating to me is only flirting, sexeting and physical sex. I have asked for advice in redddit.com in infedility sub forum about emotional cheating/ emotion affair. There persons are advising like even having friendship with someone who had crush on you is emotional cheating as it is indirectly leading them on you. So with an omission of lie he had crush on her and indirectly leading him on you wife was emotionally cheating on you. This is very much equal to cheating. I do have lots of friends in other gender, but no one had crush on me. Does this count as emotional cheating/affair as she did not mention he had crush on her before marriage? I am little depressed and not able to spend quality time with my wife who is in postpartum depression and take care of our daughter properly as before. Do you guys advise me how to navigate this situation?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Are you really going to ruin your happy relationship based on some new term you have learned recently? Emotional cheating and many more terms of the kind will come and go, what truly matters is the truth. She is merely friends with this guy and for your peace of mind, you have even checked their conversations- what part of it looks like cheating to you? If tomorrow, some random person projecting their own insecurities claims that a man speaking to a woman is some "new form" of cheating, would you start believing that? My point is that these are just random opinions of some people- it isn't the ultimate truth. The entire context matters. This man had a crush on your wife, she rejected it, and now they are just friends. I find absolutely no misconduct or infidelity in this. The fact that none of your friends had a crush on you does not factor in at all. Moreover, your wife is in postpartum depression- that should be your biggest concern but here you are, giving more importance to the random 2 AM thoughts of some people you don't even know. Please rethink if you are being fair to your wife- the mother of your child.

Best Wishes

...Read more

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