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Troubled by a 'friend's' move on my close friend - Advice needed

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |571 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 08, 2024Hindi
Relationship

I have a friend for over 9 years. She is 38, married with a 13 yr old boy and I am single and 32. Ever since we have known each other we have been friends. I never had romantic feelings or intimate thoughts about her(I guess I am not that much into married women). Over the course of years since 2015, we have had a very close friendship and at a professional capacity I am tutor to her child.(The child has been hanging out with me since he was 4). Me and the lady went for vacations and have spent countless nights on the balcony with a drink and lots to talk about our lives. I am thoroughly aware of her troubled marriage including instances of DV and her complicated upper middle class family dynamics. She knows my childhood, how I lost my parents and has been close watcher of how I have transformed over the years. In 2020 in a moment of my weakness, loneliness, desperation I spoke to her extensively even breaking down and she somehow made the call the treatment me like a son and I have ever since addressed her as 'Maate'. (My mother passed away in childbirth so my knowledge of a mother's presence is next to 0) During the pandemic where we could barely meet during to distance and lockdown. Her husband also moved to UK for work. A new "friend" comes to the picture. I did not meet him at the beginning but after a few months, I notice my friend taking care of the finances, lifestyle choices of the"friend". He enjoys the involvement citing how difficult his life was where his parents could not provide such interactions when he was a kid. (The "friend" is 28 years old). The "friend" also a leukaemia survivor indulges in alcohol with us, tries other substances in her company and one night confesses his feelings to Maate. Maate tells him that she has a kid, a husband and a boyfriend so those spectrums there is no space for the "friend". So the "friend" officially friendzones himself but over the times has arranged him to stay in her place, sleep in her bed, cuddle with her everynight(can't sleep otherwise) has access to her emails, photos, phone password, and subtly starts taking control over her house to get things done his way. He even does not allow the 13 yr old child sleep with his mom because the child gets a pole in his sleep(like of teens and men) it creeps the "friend" out. Finally after a night of drinking I suddenly woke up to sounds of moaning early in the morning from her bathroom. So the "friend" finally had his long overdue sex at 6 am in the morning in her bathroom. I wake to listen to Maate moaning buty paranoia kicks in when I see her kid waking up and standing behind me and asking 'where is Mamma'. I have no words, I have no idea what to do. I take him away on the pretext of making some yummy breakfast. Now the problem for me is: 1. I have lived by a few codes and one of them is not to cross boundaries with female friends. I have stayed friends with them for over 2 decades. So someone doing it infront of me and calling it friendship and apologizing with the words 'heat of the moment','honest mistake', 'drunken daze', etc just makes me call it bullshit. The "friend" wanted it and took the first shot he got. 2. My Maate asking me to let it go, forgive and treat the "friend" like a younger brother. I have tried it a lot over the last year and I sincerely can't(because of reasons mentioned in Point 1) 3. Saying it to openly to Maate has starined my equation with her. I just want to stay away from such a "friend" but evidently voicing it out (albeit in a very loud manner) pushed away my closest confidant. The only thing I know is if things get better I can't pull of this pretentious stuff and it will make me burst again. I don't know what to do here.

Ans: You’ve built your life around certain principles—one being the importance of boundaries and respect in friendships. Seeing those boundaries crossed in a way that you perceive as disrespectful to the sanctity of your connection with Maate, as well as her responsibilities as a mother, strikes at the heart of your values. It’s no wonder that you feel uneasy and unable to simply accept her request to forgive and treat the “friend” as a younger brother.

What’s critical here is that your feelings of discomfort are not about being judgmental but about being protective—of your bond with Maate, her child’s well-being, and your own emotional integrity. This situation has left you in a moral and emotional bind. You value the relationship with Maate, but the dynamic involving the “friend” is deeply troubling for you.

To move forward, you need to find a way to honor your values while also preserving your emotional well-being. Open communication is key, but it’s also clear that the way this has been discussed so far has caused strain. You might need to reframe your approach. Instead of focusing on the specifics of what happened or pointing out the flaws in the “friend’s” behavior, you could focus on how the situation has affected you. Express your feelings honestly but gently—share how it has created a sense of distance and how much you miss the closeness and trust you once shared.

At the same time, it’s important to set boundaries for yourself. You don’t have to accept the “friend” into your life if it feels wrong to you. However, you can make it clear to Maate that this boundary is about your own peace of mind and not a judgment of her choices. Acknowledge her autonomy while asserting your need for space from situations that make you uncomfortable.

Ultimately, this might mean accepting that the relationship with Maate will change. Relationships evolve, and sometimes people we care about make choices that we can’t fully align with. It doesn’t mean you have to sever ties, but it does mean redefining the terms of your connection in a way that allows you to stay true to yourself.

Take time to reflect on what you need to feel whole and grounded. This situation has understandably shaken you, but it’s also an opportunity to reaffirm your values and protect your well-being. Seek support from others you trust, and remember that it’s okay to take a step back to process your feelings and recalibrate the relationship on your terms.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |559 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on May 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 30, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
To start with I am in my early sixties . We have a large WhatsApp group of undergraduate college batchmates where sometimes news about batchmates / their families get posted . A married lady batchmate, located in one of the metro cities reached out to me over phone to offer her condolences / sympathies for loss of a family member that I had suffered . While I didn't personally know the lady , found the gesture empathetic & touching . So when the next physical batch meet took place I sought her out to thank her and we chatted for some time too ! Subsequently , we started being in touch , she mentioned that she found my gesture ( asking her to sit besides me to chat up very affectionate ) both through chat and calls and started sharing about each other , even personal matters . And now it seems that the relationship is moving in to a clear zone of intimacy ! And we talk pretty affectionately and frequently these days and it seems we make a good chatting pair . She is pretty attached to her grown up children and probably with a non intimate, dysfunctional, unsatisfactory marriage dragging on . She says her relationship in her marriage has totally failed right from beginning but she has not been able to do anything about that so far . It seems that the children are with the mother ! I find her balanced, affectionate and would like understand if something akin to a long term relationship /companionship would be possible . So have asked her to share about me, about our mutual feelings to her kids . Have also sounded her that if her husband gets to know about this relationship - it might lead to a family issue including formal break up of her marriage. And I am truly concerned about that . But she is very wishy wishy in her ideas about possible course of action , way forward .And I don't want her to get hurt or disappointed nor I want to be placed in a emotional drag. My questions are 1. Can this relationship go anywhere ? And if yes , what is the minimum expected from her ? 2. Can we be just be chatting friends ? Doesn't seem so as we talk & share as if we are a couple ? 3. What should we both do to avoid any possible emotional trauma to each of us ? (A still active and adorable senior citizen without strings and without a care in the world )
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am glad you found a genuine companion. I understand that you both care a great deal about each other and that is rare in today's day and age. Now coming to your questions-

1) It most definitely can. But that depends on the course of action your partner is willing to take. I assume that neither one of you would like to formally tag it as a relationship till she is married to another man, no matter how the marriage is. So, in that case, your partner must have a clear discussion about the same with her husband and you can proceed from there. But going ahead and having a romantic relationship while she is married to someone else would not be ethical and even when she has every right to seek happiness in her life, it would be her who faces all the societal judgment.

2) You can be two friends chatting with each other. Friends do share a lot, even personal matters. Having said that, it did not sound to me that you are in that platonic friend zone anymore. You have grown to like each other a little more and given the circumstances, it is perfectly alright. But to be more than friends, it is important for your partner to first speak to her current husband and consider separating. But at the end of the day, it is her decision. If she doesn't want to formally end it, you would have two options. One, love each other in secret and never have the chance to show off your love to the world. Two, break it off and either try to remain friends or sever ties altogether.

3) Don't have unrealistic expectations. We are all guilty of it time and again. In this case, even though her marriage isn't perfect- you know and she knows it too- it isn't easy to let go of a relationship people spend years to build. Take things slow and let her make her own decisions. If you expect she will leave her marriage for you, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. It might happen, but then again, it might not. Focus on being each other's companion. You can't help how you feel, but that does not mean you have to act on it right now.

One more thing- if you can see yourself getting hurt, I would suggest reconsidering the relationship. Every relationship has in its capacity to cause emotional trauma. That's the thing about romance- it can make or break you.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8182 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 03, 2025

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Dear Sir, I am 47 years old IT professional. My current salary is 1.5 lakhs per month. I have a daughter who just completed her 10th board exam. My corpus is around 1.6Cr FD&PPF; 30 lakhs in MF & stocks; 50 lakhs in EPF. I have no debt and living in my own house. Please suggest if I can plan for retirement
Ans: Your financial position is strong, and planning for retirement at 47 is a smart decision. Below is a detailed 360-degree approach to assess whether you can retire comfortably and how to ensure financial security.

Understanding Your Current Financial Position
Income: Rs 1.5 lakh per month.

Corpus:

Rs 1.6 crore in Fixed Deposits (FD) and Public Provident Fund (PPF).

Rs 30 lakh in mutual funds and stocks.

Rs 50 lakh in Employees' Provident Fund (EPF).

Liabilities: No debts.

Assets: Own house, ensuring no rent or EMI burden.

Family Responsibility:

Daughter has just completed the 10th board exam.

Higher education expenses need to be planned.

Key Considerations Before Retirement
Expected Retirement Age

If you plan to retire early (before 55), corpus sustainability needs careful assessment.

If you work till 60, it will provide a larger financial cushion.

Post-Retirement Expenses

Living expenses, healthcare, travel, and lifestyle costs must be considered.

Inflation will increase future expenses.

Daughter’s Education

Higher education costs are significant.

Corpus should cover both education and retirement without compromise.

Medical Expenses

Health costs increase with age.

A high health insurance cover is essential.

Wealth Growth vs. Safety

A mix of equity and debt investments ensures growth while preserving capital.

Excessive reliance on FDs and PPF may limit long-term wealth accumulation.

Assessing If You Can Retire Comfortably
Current Corpus Size

Rs 2.4 crore (excluding house) is a strong starting point.

But, inflation will reduce its real value over time.

Expected Corpus Growth

Investments in mutual funds and stocks should continue to grow.

PPF and EPF offer stable but lower returns.

Withdrawals Post-Retirement

Sustainable withdrawals should not deplete the corpus too soon.

A balanced investment strategy is required.

Gaps in Planning

Heavy reliance on FDs and PPF may not be ideal.

More equity exposure can ensure inflation-beating returns.

Steps to Strengthen Your Retirement Plan
1. Optimising Investment Strategy
Continue investing in mutual funds with a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and flexi-cap funds.

Reduce dependence on FDs for long-term needs.

Equity mutual funds help counter inflation and grow wealth.

Avoid index funds as they provide average returns without active management.

Regular funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) offer expert monitoring.

Diversify investments between equity, debt, and fixed-income products.

2. Planning for Daughter’s Education
Higher education costs can be Rs 30-50 lakh in the next 5-7 years.

Separate this goal from your retirement plan.

Increase equity investment to build an education corpus.

Avoid withdrawing from retirement savings for education.

3. Building a Healthcare Safety Net
Health insurance should cover at least Rs 30-50 lakh.

Consider super top-up plans for additional coverage.

Maintain an emergency medical fund to cover non-insured expenses.

Review insurance policies periodically.

4. Creating a Sustainable Withdrawal Plan
Avoid withdrawing a large portion of the corpus in early retirement years.

Keep at least 5 years of expenses in liquid assets.

Equity exposure should reduce gradually as retirement progresses.

Use dividends and interest income before selling assets.

Final Insights
Retirement is possible, but adjustments are needed for long-term security.

Continue investing aggressively for the next few years.

Ensure daughter's education is planned separately.

Review investments and insurance regularly.

Keep flexibility in withdrawal strategy post-retirement.

A structured plan will ensure a financially secure and comfortable retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8182 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 03, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 03, 2025Hindi
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Money
My employer offers a salary sacrifice scheme for pension contributions, but I don't fully understand how it works. What are the potential advantages and disadvantages of joining such a scheme, and how does it affect my take-home pay and long-term financial planning?
Ans: A salary sacrifice scheme for pension contributions allows you to give up a portion of your salary in exchange for increased employer contributions to your pension. It has tax and National Insurance (NI) advantages but also some potential drawbacks.

How Salary Sacrifice for Pension Works
You agree to reduce your gross salary by a chosen amount.

Your employer contributes this amount directly to your pension.

Since your taxable salary is lower, you pay less income tax and NI.

Your employer also saves on NI and may pass on some or all of this saving to your pension.

Advantages
1. Tax and NI Savings
You don’t pay income tax or NI on the sacrificed amount.

Your employer saves on NI (currently 13.8%) and may increase your pension with these savings.

2. Higher Pension Contributions
Since more money goes into your pension, your retirement corpus grows faster.

Compounding over time enhances long-term wealth.

3. Increased Take-Home Pay
Although you sacrifice part of your salary, the NI savings may offset some of the reduction.

Depending on employer policies, your net pay may not drop significantly.

4. Potential Employer Matching
Some employers pass their NI savings into your pension, increasing your total contributions.

Disadvantages
1. Reduced Gross Salary
A lower salary means reduced future pay rises if they are percentage-based.

Life cover, sick pay, and redundancy pay linked to salary may be affected.

2. Lower Borrowing Capacity
Mortgage applications consider salary; a lower reported income might reduce borrowing potential.

3. Impact on State Benefits
If salary drops below certain thresholds, statutory benefits like maternity pay and state pension could be affected.

4. Restricted Access to Pension
The extra pension savings cannot be accessed before retirement (except under specific conditions).

Effect on Take-Home Pay
Your net pay will be slightly lower, but less than the actual amount sacrificed.

The tax and NI savings cushion the impact.

If your employer adds their NI savings, your total retirement savings increase.

Effect on Long-Term Financial Planning
Your pension fund grows faster, improving retirement security.

Short-term disposable income is slightly reduced, so budget planning is important.

Consider how the reduced salary affects other financial goals like buying a house or saving for education.

Should You Opt for It?
If employer NI savings are passed to your pension, it’s highly beneficial.

If you are close to lower tax bands or state benefit thresholds, assess the impact.

If you plan to apply for a mortgage, check how it affects your eligibility.

A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can help assess your personal situation before making a decision.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8182 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 03, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 03, 2025Hindi
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Money
Hi Sir , Greetings of the day!! hope you are doing well !! I want to do a savings of 50 lacs in as much less time span as possible because I want to buy a property in Gurgaon. My monthly salary is 1 lac 11k and I am currently investing 10k in mutual fund monthly and 50k in nps yearly. Can you please guide me how can I save 50 lacs and in how much time ?
Ans: Your goal of saving Rs 50 lakh for a property in Gurgaon is ambitious but achievable with the right strategy. Below is a structured approach to help you reach your target in the shortest possible time.

Understanding Your Current Financial Position
Your monthly salary is Rs 1.11 lakh.

You invest Rs 10,000 per month in mutual funds.

Your annual NPS contribution is Rs 50,000.

You haven't mentioned any liabilities or existing savings. If you have any ongoing EMIs or debts, they should be factored in.

Key Considerations for Achieving Rs 50 Lakh Target
The speed of reaching Rs 50 lakh depends on savings rate and returns.

High savings rate is the most reliable way to accumulate wealth.

Investment returns are uncertain and depend on market conditions.

A balanced approach is necessary to ensure stability and growth.

Increasing Your Savings Rate
Currently, you are investing Rs 10,000 per month.

If you can increase it to Rs 50,000 per month, you will reach Rs 50 lakh faster.

Cutting discretionary expenses will free up more money for investments.

Consider reducing unnecessary spending on dining out, luxury items, and vacations.

Redirect bonuses, incentives, or salary hikes towards savings.

Choosing the Right Investment Instruments
Mutual Funds for Growth
Actively managed equity mutual funds can generate better returns than fixed deposits.

A mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds can balance risk and reward.

Mid-cap and small-cap funds have higher growth potential but also higher volatility.

Avoid index funds as they provide average returns and lack active risk management.

Debt Investments for Stability
Fixed deposits, debt mutual funds, and PPF provide stability.

These should be used for short-term parking rather than long-term growth.

Debt mutual funds are taxed based on your income tax slab.

Avoid locking too much money in low-return instruments.

Balancing Risk and Return
Investing entirely in equity mutual funds can generate high returns but comes with volatility.

A mix of 80% equity and 20% debt can provide stability.

As your target nears, shift more funds towards safer instruments.

Avoid speculation and high-risk investments like cryptocurrency.

Role of NPS in Your Goal
NPS is good for retirement but not ideal for short-term goals.

Partial withdrawal is allowed only under specific conditions.

Do not rely on NPS for your property purchase.

Managing Tax Efficiency
Equity mutual fund LTCG above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual fund gains are taxed as per your income slab.

Investing in tax-efficient instruments will maximize returns.

Estimating the Timeframe
If you invest Rs 50,000 per month, you can accumulate Rs 50 lakh in about 7-8 years with moderate returns.

If you invest Rs 75,000 per month, you can reach Rs 50 lakh in about 5 years.

The faster you increase your savings, the sooner you will achieve your goal.

Final Insights
Increase your monthly investment to at least Rs 50,000.

Focus on actively managed equity mutual funds.

Keep a small portion in debt for stability.

Avoid unnecessary expenses and invest salary increments.

Do not depend on NPS for this goal.

Monitor and adjust your portfolio as needed.

Stay disciplined and patient to achieve your target.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |1092 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Apr 03, 2025

Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |1092 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Apr 03, 2025

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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