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Interfaith marriage woes: Adjusting to a new lifestyle and in-laws' expectations

Dr Upneet

Dr Upneet Kaur  |39 Answers  |Ask -

Marriage counsellor - Answered on Apr 19, 2025

Dr Upneet Kaur is a medical professional and therapist based out of Amritsar.
After completing her bachelor’s degree in Ayurvedic medicine and surgery from the SKSS Ayurvedic College and Hospital, Sarabha, Punjab, in 2008, she worked as a medical officer at various multi-specialty hospitals in Punjab, handling both physical and mental patient care and clinical decision-making. She spent the next decade leading multidisciplinary teams at various levels.
Since 2022, she has been practising as a clinical psychologist and marriage counsellor.
Dr Upneet also holds an MBA in hospital management from Alagappa University, Tamil Nadu, and an MA in psychology from the Indira Gandhi National Open University.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Mar 18, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

My relationship started Four years ago and everything was fine My parents accepted him but his mother started creating problems over small things He is Jain and I understand that it is difficult for them to accept someone from a non-vegetarian family However his mother told my father that my entire family should stop eating nonveg and said many hurtful things She also said that I should only wear suits and follow their rules I have always lived a comfortable life where I never had to do any household chores but his mother told my parents that I need to learn everything I come from a wealthy family while his family is average, and I am not sure if I can adjust to that lifestyle His mother created a lot of drama for two years and now suddenly she is ready to accept me But I am afraid she might go back to her old ways after marriage I have never had to worry about financial issues but I know things might change if I marry him He has also lied to me a few times and when my parents visited his home and business his father avoided showing anything and made excuses which made my family suspicious

Ans: Hello mam.
I understand that it feels strange when someone changes suddenly so much like you said the boy's mother's attitude changed and now she is ready to accept you. Marriage is a big decision and it does not work only with love. It needs many other practical things to work. Like many compromises from both side, finances, acceptance, trust and respect. Think as much as you want before marriage a d take a good decision but after marriage you cannot change the things so easily.
Take some more time and get information on their business, thier family reputation, their relatives and neighbours. Only then take a decision. And leave the things upto your parents. They are much more experienced and have a much more willingness to see you happy.
Take care !
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello mam, glad to find you here. Mam, I'm a female, 27 yrs, I have been in a relationship with my partner since 9yrs, but he is from different caste. We both were immature when we started our relationship but our relationship grew stronger as time passed.We have gone through ups and downs of our relationship and are still intact. When I was into 3yrs of our relationship he was doing some odd job, at that time I told my mom about us and she said 'NO' because of caste issue irrespective of his job. Another reason is that my father is an impulsive person who thinks to harm himself whenever something happens, so mom said my father might harm himself if I go forward. At the same time there were some issues in boys family and my brother met them and he said no to it.But I couldn't get away from him, so I stayed. Later I talked to my partner about his family environment and I said that I couldn't stay with them because of the negative impact. He talked to his family and confirmed that after marriage we will lead our life under different roof but maintain the sufficient relationship with his family. We both are now settled in jobs but he earns a bit less than me but we earn a handsome salary combining our both salaries. Now, it's time for my marriage and I want to marry him and he have changed alot for me without leaving his family and he understands me very well. I feel safe with him. Now the problem is my parents wants to get me married and I also want to get married to the whom I loved but my mom and brother are not yet all giving me the chance to convince them. They are trying to convince me for marriage with others but I couldn't do that, that will kill me all my life. They are saying that if I go for intercaste then they have to suffer all their life and my father might do something to himself if he finds out. I love my family dearly and that's why I have been waiting all these years for their approval. I do not want anyone to lose their life because of me. My partner have left the decision to me because of my situation at home and he is supportive of me. My transfer is nearing where I have two options, one is to opt for my home town(not Village), where I can bring my parents to town with me to stay( now my posting is in another city). Second is to opt for different city( where I have to stay with my brother who doesn't approve of my love and blames me for his career). In order for me to convince them for my marriage should stay with my family or away from them and how can I convince them? Sorry' for the long story and I hope I hear from you.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Be clear about what you want and in this process/journey, there will be a lot of highs and lows...
Also, you may not be able to have the cake and eat it too which is why you are struggling at making a decision. You want to marry the man of your dreams that your parents and brother disapprove of BUT you don't want to disappoint them by going against them...You can't have one foot in two different paths...it will tear you apart; literally...
So, decide what you want, the pros and cons of going against the family...of course there are situations where over time, parents have accepted the boy/girl but there's a lot of patient waiting.
If you are in haste, they are not going to relent and you will be left feeling disappointed...
Decide and then do whatever it takes to make that decision right...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |596 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello Mam, My concern is about my love marriage. My parents are not ok with my inter caste marraige but I love the person since 9yrs. My partner is living near our house so all my family knows him well. Though he was not so rich at that time and he was working in his uncle's shop so my parents have a negative perspective regarding that. But now he is settled down he owe his house too. But still my parents are not ok with him. While asking to my parents there answer is he is not your type. My mother has a concern about my future that I will not be able to live happily with him. My mother use to tell me that he is having affairs with other gurls in past and if he does the same in future and torture or harass you then there will be nobody standing beside you as you have done love marriage. I am pretty much sure that he is not having any drastic past that my mother perhaps heard from anyone. But I don't understand how to convince and make her realise that. Simultaneously my partner has a worst habit of anger which is a big sign of disrespectful for which I am in a dilemma what to do. Kindly help me out that how can I make my partner understand and simultaneously my parents.
Ans: First, it’s important to acknowledge your parents' fears, as they often stem from a place of love and concern for your well-being. When discussing your relationship with them, try to have an open and honest conversation. Share your feelings and the strong bond you have with your partner. Highlight the positive changes he has made in his life and how committed he is to your future together. If you can, invite them to see your partner in a different light by arranging casual meetings or family gatherings. This may help alleviate some of their worries, as they can see firsthand the person you love.

However, you also need to reflect on the concerns your mother has raised regarding your partner’s past and anger issues. These are serious points that shouldn't be overlooked. It’s crucial to have a candid discussion with your partner about his temper. Express your feelings about how his anger affects you and your relationship. Ask him to be open about his past and to reassure you about his commitment to a healthy, respectful relationship moving forward. If he truly values your relationship, he should be willing to address this aspect of himself and work on it.

Consider suggesting couples counseling or anger management if he struggles to manage his emotions. This shows that you care about the relationship and want to build a future together. It’s important to feel secure in your relationship, especially when facing external pressures.

Balancing your parents’ concerns and your love for your partner can be challenging, but clear communication with both parties is key. Be honest with your parents about your feelings and be proactive in addressing their concerns with your partner. Ultimately, you deserve a partner who respects you and your family while being committed to your happiness. If you can find a way to navigate these conversations, it will help you build a stronger foundation for your future together.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 25, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Ma'am, I am 32 years old woman and I have a boyfriend who is 29 years old. We met last year and in few months we fell in love. We have been in relationship since March 2024 and we work in same organization. We quickly knew that we must get married we belong to different languages he being a south Indian while I am a Maharashtrian. My family is quite well off while his family is from lower middle class. Financially he has his own house which is under construction and he will get possession by next year end. Also he has his own car so he is paying 2 EMIs for Home loan and car loan wherein I don't have any liabilities. He is very much independent however due to all the expenses he is currently saving money and thus want to get married next year by April. We both have spoken with out parents and his side of the family is completely ok while my mother and brother are against this. My mother has asked me to leave home at the earliest and get married to him without involving them. There was lot lf verbal abuse and name calling which I have heard multiple times. We both are working and earing well however he is adamant to get married in April as he wants to save some money before getting married as he doesn't want to take my help since my mother has quoted that he is marrying me for my good background. She has refused to meet his parents or let them see our house. My father has supporter me as he wants me to get married. My elder brother is 34 years unmarried engineer and he is also not supportive who first met and said that my boyfriend is not so fair looking, then said he is not of our status. Currently I am staying in my brothers flat so he has asked me to vacant it asap and get married maximum by December. It is not possible for me to get married by December as my boyfriend is not ready for that. So I will have to go on rent for next few months untill April. I have done nothing wrong as per me because I have returned my parents all the money they have spent on me well in advance. Also I have good investments done apart from buying a house. I cook for myself and cook for my family whenever they ask me. I have been truthful about my relationship with my parents from beginning and told them everything but unable to understand why they are unable to accept this? I feel my brother is in denial and putting things in my mothers mind due to which she is against this marriage.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
People play games all the time and your family members are no different. But what's the point trying to assume that this or that must be the reason. So, ask! Surely, there's some good reason why they are so against it...ASK and CLARIFY rather than ASSUME...
They may go all over the place and the truth will be disguised in some form which will seem very trivial and silly to the outside world.
Yes, you can move out and stay by yourself but proving a point like this may alienate your family even further. They may blame your boyfriend for this drastic step that you take. Reason out with them and you will find a lot of emotions coming your way; don't resist any of them but accept them for what it is for the moment. Soon, with all their rants, you will find a solid reason that will be possibly age gap or fear of losing you or their beliefs around love marriages or fear of losing face to the society and so on...
This is what you will need to address...problems come out as emotions, but digging deep, you will figure it out...so put in some work, ask them some time and also ask your boyfriend to step in and do his bit...after all, they will be accepting him as well, right?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 25, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2025Hindi
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I 29(F) from scheduled caste and 28(M) from OBC started dating 3 years ago. I had already seen a big family drama during my sister’s inter caste marriage but it turned out to be successful. I never hid my identity in front of the guy and specifically talked about it very early in the relationship in order to not have any issue later. The guy was extremely okay with it. More than one year into dating we told our parents about the relationship and both sides seemed fine with it. And we were happy. However, last year his parents completely flipped on the idea of accepting me when they got to know what specific caste I belonged to. I was pretty optimistic as I had already seen something similar in my family to turn out to be successful. So I thought I was the right person to guide him through this. However, months have passed and despite repeated attempts, his parents are not ready to agree. Meanwhile I kept comparing his actions and frequency of having the talk with his parents and found is efforts not up to the mark but I understand now that it was the best he could do. He has a very stressful job on top of it. So, both of us kept telling the other person to call it quits if either of us wanted to. But neither of us wanted to end it and it became a long hefty struggle. He stopped proper communication and I couldn’t handle it and it got worse. But still neither of us wanted to give up. Ultimately I talked to his mother to free her mind of any prejudice with regards to me. But she was very cold during the whole conversation. She said that her son is her pride and he’ll be dead for her if he goes on to marry me. She said that she knows her son and her son would never marry someone without her blessing and that she would never agree. When I talked to my partner, he had no reaction to his mother’s cold behaviour and instead told me to take a decision to call it off now that I had a clear picture in front of me. He says he cannot see me hanging forever because he doesn’t see his parents getting convinced ever and he can’t keep hurting them without any positive result. When I said that the fact that he was accepting his parent’s decision and not willing to try anymore made him a part of the problem and he hung up on me and we haven’t talked since. I wish we could have handled this better. Been there for each other. And even though neither of us wanted to give up, i did not anticipate this blunt and sudden end. I wish we could have still expressed how we felt for each other and moved on mutually and peacefully. But I think he couldn’t take any more pressure on himself. And he couldn’t see me suffering forever which is why he started withdrawing emotionally. I am unable to accept it still and I think i might wait for him forever.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What is your question for me?
Let me assume that you just wanted to share and convey that you wish to wait for him forever.
What's the point waiting for someone who has decided to move on? Maybe he could not see you wait forever BUT he also did not take a stand for your relationship, right?
Taking things too far like what you are doing by waiting for someone who does not even acknowledge your love and presence in his life whatever the reason maybe, it's clear that he has decided to yield to what his mother wants. Even if he decides to be with you, do remember that his mother will be a huge influence in a not so great way on him and that may not be great for your relationship.
You have a great life ahead of you; why don't you experience life without him for a while and actually feel the weight lifting off your shoulders? At least you are not the only one who seems to be carrying on the burden of the relationship...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |5094 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on May 25, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 25, 2025
Career
Sir my daughter is expected to get CS Allied , ECE in MIT Manipal . and is expected to get CS Core and ECE in MIT Bangalore . Her Interest is ECE but we are all in dilemma(including my daughter) . We have two questions 1) ECE in Manipal Campus or ECE in Bangalore Campus . Which one will be better considering that she will pass out 4 years hence for placement 2) Will we be doing mistake by not opting for CS related course and going for ECE as a career
Ans: For ECE, MIT Manipal is the superior choice over MIT Bangalore due to its established reputation, stronger alumni network, and consistently high placement rates—77% overall and 80–90% for ECE, with top recruiters like Amazon, Microsoft, and Bosch. The main campus offers broader industry exposure and better long-term prospects. Choosing ECE over CS/Allied is not a mistake; ECE is a flexible and respected branch, allowing careers in electronics, communications, and IT/software, especially if your daughter develops relevant programming and technical skills. Many ECE students secure high-paying software roles, and the branch’s analytical foundation is valued in the tech industry. Ultimately, success in placements and career growth depends on personal initiative, internships, and skill development, not just branch selection. Recommendation: Opt for ECE at MIT Manipal, as it provides the best balance of academic environment, placement opportunities, and future flexibility, aligning well with your daughter’s interests. All the best for your daughter's admission and a bright future!

Follow RediffGURUS to Know more on 'Careers | Health | Money | Relationships'.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8513 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 25, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 24, 2025
Money
Hi Ramalingam Sir, First of all thank you for your replies for my previous queries. I am 41 yrs old private employee earning 1.5 lakhs per month. I and my brother combined constructed a house 5 years back by taking joint loan of 59lakhs with 9.1 interest (floating)for 21 years. We both are paying 50k per month. 25k each. Till now not much principal got reduced. We have opened one joint account and adding some amount of 4k (each 2k) every month and thinking to pay as principal amount at end of year. I don't feel it is good idea but we are not getting any idea. Could you please give us suggestion on how to pay this loan as much as early.? Thanks in advance
Ans: You have done a great thing by co-owning and sharing a loan. It takes planning and commitment. Paying a long-term loan early needs careful steps. A focused strategy will help you save interest and reduce stress.

Below is a complete 360-degree solution. This will help you close the loan faster and stay financially safe.

1. Understanding Your Current Loan Structure

You and your brother took a joint home loan of Rs. 59 lakhs.

Interest is 9.1% (floating). That’s quite high.

You both are paying Rs. 25,000 each, totalling Rs. 50,000 monthly.

The loan tenure is 21 years.

After 5 years, principal reduction is still very low.

This is because in early years, interest eats most of EMI.

Your method of saving Rs. 4,000 monthly to prepay annually is good in spirit.

But in action, it may not create much impact.

Let us explore a better plan.

2. Step-by-Step Review of the Issue

Your interest rate is 9.1%, which is high today.

Loan is 5 years old, so around 16 years are left.

You have already paid around Rs. 30 lakhs in EMIs.

Still, the loan principal hasn’t reduced much.

This means you are in the heavy-interest zone.

Time is the biggest cost here.

Faster principal reduction will save a lot of interest.

You can’t just depend on small yearly prepayment.

3. First Action – Review and Refinance the Loan

First, check your current loan outstanding.

Check your repayment schedule from bank or netbanking.

See how much of EMI is going to interest.

Now consider transferring the loan to a new bank.

Many banks now offer home loans around 8.3% to 8.6%.

A 0.5% difference may look small.

But it can save lakhs over remaining years.

You and your brother must compare 3–4 lenders.

If new bank is ready, shift to a lower rate.

No harm in reducing tenure while transferring.

Even 2–3 years cut in tenure saves a lot.

4. Revisit EMI and Tenure

You are paying Rs. 25,000 monthly.

This may be within your budget.

If yes, try to increase EMI by Rs. 2,000–Rs. 3,000 per head.

Higher EMI cuts principal faster.

Lower tenure means lesser interest burden.

Use the new EMI wisely by combining refinance and increased payment.

Avoid extending the loan tenure again.

If possible, reduce tenure instead of EMI.

5. Rethink the Annual Rs. 4,000 Saving Approach

Saving Rs. 4,000 monthly in joint account is okay.

But idle money doesn’t grow.

Interest in bank account is very low.

Instead, invest this Rs. 4,000 in a short-term debt mutual fund.

Use regular plan through MFD with CFP credential.

Direct plans may look cheaper but lack support and rebalancing.

With regular plan, you get better advice and ongoing help.

At year-end, redeem and prepay lump sum against principal.

Debt funds offer better growth than savings account.

Tax efficiency is also better if used wisely.

6. Create an Emergency Buffer Separately

Prepaying is good, but emergency safety is more important.

Before aggressive prepayment, build a safety fund.

Keep at least 3–6 months of EMI and expenses as emergency fund.

Use liquid mutual funds for this.

This protects your EMI even if job or cashflow is hit.

Avoid using your loan prepayment savings for emergencies.

Keep the two goals separate.

7. Avoid Prepayment from Retirement Corpus

Never touch EPF, PPF or long-term savings for loan prepayment.

That may create future income problems.

Let those assets grow for your retirement years.

Housing loan can be managed with better cashflow planning.

Prioritise steady investments over aggressive prepayment from retirement corpus.

8. Align Investments and Loan Closure Together

If you want to clear the loan faster, balance it with investment goals.

You can run SIPs and prepayment both side by side.

Divide monthly surplus into three:

Some for SIPs in active mutual funds.

Some for yearly lump sum prepayment.

Some for emergencies.

This keeps wealth creation, risk cover, and debt reduction in sync.

Don't stop SIPs completely just to prepay faster.

Mutual funds give long-term growth and liquidity.

9. Tax Benefit Assessment

Home loan offers tax deductions on interest and principal.

You both are eligible for 80C (principal) and 24(b) (interest) benefits.

Check if you are using full benefit.

But don’t keep loan just for tax saving.

Interest outgo is more than tax saved in most cases.

It is better to close loan early and then invest that EMI.

You get better peace of mind and cashflow freedom.

10. Use Bonuses and Extra Income Smartly

You may receive bonus, incentives, or yearly hikes.

Use a fixed portion of that money to prepay loan.

For example, 40% of bonus goes to loan, 40% to investments.

Remaining 20% for personal spending.

This method helps in faster loan closure.

But keeps your future goals also on track.

11. Communicate and Review as a Team

You and your brother are managing the loan together.

That’s a great responsibility and effort.

Keep monthly reviews and open communication.

Review the bank statement, interest paid, and outstanding.

Every prepayment reduces total interest burden.

Celebrate milestones like Rs. 5 lakh principal paid off.

It will keep both of you motivated and united.

12. Don’t Buy More Real Estate Now

Your existing home is already a big commitment.

Avoid investing in second property.

Real estate has poor liquidity and low regular returns.

Maintenance cost, property tax, and legal risk are high.

Don’t stretch finances with multiple loans.

Build wealth through financial assets instead.

13. Take a Certified Financial Planner’s Help Once a Year

Every year review your plan with a Certified Financial Planner.

Check how much principal is left.

Plan SIPs, investments, and prepayment in right proportion.

Review life and health insurance too.

A CFP helps you align your goals with numbers and strategies.

14. Insurance Protection Check

Ensure you and your brother both have term insurance.

This secures the loan liability.

If something happens to one person, the other isn’t burdened.

Term plan is low-cost and covers only risk.

Avoid policies that combine insurance and investments.

15. Track Your Progress Annually

Make a simple tracker in Excel or diary.

Note EMI paid, principal reduced, balance left.

Mark each prepayment.

It motivates and helps fine-tune future decisions.

Share the sheet with your brother too.

Finally

You both have made a good effort so far.

The first five years of a loan are toughest.

Now is the best time to take control.

Don’t let the high interest eat your future savings.

Use a mix of refinance, EMI increase, short-term fund, and lump sum payments.

Don’t compromise on long-term investments and insurance.

Keep your goals clear and emotions away from decisions.

Your loan can be closed 5–7 years early with these changes.

That will free up cash for future dreams and peace of mind.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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