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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |533 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 24, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 22, 2024
Relationship

I was in a relationship with a boy(he is 35 yrs old man, and a lawyer but not practising in a court, he had a lot of relationship during our relationship and after break up , He had changed 4, 5 women or used them physically) for 3 years. It has been three-four months. We are not in a relationship. We have broken up. I told him to delete our personal pics and videos. He is not deleting them and is not blackmailing me either. I told him that since we don't want to be together, we don't have a future together, then delete them. He is not deleting them and is not blackmailing me either and I want him to delete them. Who knows what will come to his mind in the future and what will happen. If we don't continue, he has no right to Keep the pics in your mobile, whatever video is personal to us, don't delete it and don't blackmail me either. I am not able to understand what should I tell him, although I have requested him a lot to delete it but he is not doing it either, He told me that I have kept ur pics and videos So that I cannot complain against him in future. so what should I do, please guide me. I know I had made a huge mistake to love him and gave him right to keep personal pics or videos..

Ans: At this point, it’s essential to protect your emotional and mental health while addressing this issue. You might consider seeking support from someone you trust, such as a close friend or family member, to share this burden. Talking to someone who knows you and your situation can provide comfort and practical guidance.

If he continues to refuse, you may need to explore your legal options. Many countries have laws that protect individuals from having private photos or videos kept or shared without their consent. Taking this step might feel daunting, but it could give you a sense of empowerment and security. It’s not about revenge or escalation; it’s about protecting yourself and asserting your right to move forward without this hanging over you.

On an emotional level, remind yourself that you are not defined by this relationship or the choices you made while in it. You trusted someone who didn’t honor that trust, but this doesn’t diminish your value or strength. It’s natural to feel regret, but you deserve compassion from yourself as you work through this.

You’re not alone in this, and it’s okay to seek help—whether that’s legal advice, emotional support from loved ones, or even professional counseling to navigate the stress and anxiety this situation might be causing. The most important thing now is to take steps that protect your peace of mind and ensure your future isn’t weighed down by his actions.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |523 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 01, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 29, 2024
Relationship
Hi mam please help me. My ex boyfriend nd i were in a long distance relationship. He lives in canada nd we used to vc but one day that vc turned out something else as you can understand he told me that he'll not take any screenshot or screen record anything but he still did that and now after breakup he's sending me those screenshots nd screen recording ???? nd telling me that he'll not share with anyone but i still don't trust him now ???? what should i do .. due to this pressure I'm simply going down day by day
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand that it is a difficult situation for you. I would suggest a few ways you can protect yourself-
If you think he will not share the pictures unless provoked, do not engage with him any further. Avoid responding and try not to give him control over the situation.

Keep screenshots of his messages where he discusses the pictures. In case he starts threatening you, you can let him know that you are not afraid to approach the authorities with valid proof against him. This way, you will have control over the situation.

Let him know that in both India and Canada, distributing images without consent is illegal.

Speak to your trusted friends and family members. Remember, as scared as you might be, you can always share things with your parents. They would be more worried about your mental health and safety than be disappointed over the matter. Understand that you can always reach out to them, especially when you have your back against the wall.

After you have gathered all the evidence you need to prove that he has been harassing you with non-consented pictures, block him. Engaging with him will allow this person to manipulate you or make him believe he has the upper hand.

Lastly, don't be afraid. He might think he is doing this out of love, but he is, essentially, a bully. Do not give him the power to play with your mental peace.

Hope everything works out soon.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |533 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 22, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I was in a relationship with a boy(he is 35 yrs old man, and a lawyer but not practising in a court, he had a lot of relationship during our relationship and after break up , I had changed 4, 5 women or used them physically) for 3 years. It has been three-four months. We are not in a relationship. We have broken up. I told him to delete our personal pics and videos. He is not deleting them and is not blackmailing me either. I told him that since we don't want to be together, we don't have a future together, then delete them. He is not deleting them and is not blackmailing me either and I want him to delete them. Who knows what will come to his mind in the future and what will happen. If we don't continue, he has no right to Keep the pics in your mobile, whatever video is personal to us, don't delete it and don't blackmail me either. I am not able to understand what should I tell him, although I have requested him a lot to delete it but he is not doing it either, so what should I do, please guide me. I know I had made a huge mistake to love him and gave him right to keep personal pics or videos..
Ans: You’ve already made a reasonable request for him to delete the material, but his refusal is an indication that he is not respecting your boundaries. His actions—or lack of action—are now about him choosing his convenience over your emotional security. This is a painful and difficult dynamic to navigate. The next step is to recognize that, while you can’t control his behavior, you absolutely have the right to continue asserting your needs. It might be helpful to make your request one more time, but this time with a sense of finality. Clearly express that you are no longer comfortable with him holding onto any part of your shared past, and that you expect him to respect that. Be firm, but also protect yourself emotionally by being clear that this is non-negotiable.

If he continues to refuse or ignore your request, consider taking further action. This could involve seeking legal advice on how to protect your privacy. In many places, there are legal avenues to protect against the non-consensual sharing or retention of intimate material, even after a relationship ends. Legal action is, of course, a more extreme measure, but if you feel your privacy is at risk or that the situation is escalating, it may be necessary to explore this option.

Throughout this process, be kind to yourself. It’s easy to slip into self-blame when someone else disrespects your boundaries, but remember that you are entitled to make choices about your body, your image, and your privacy at any point in your life. Trust yourself to learn from this experience and move forward with stronger boundaries in future relationships. You’ve already taken a healthy first step by recognizing the need for change, and now you’re moving toward regaining control of the situation. Keep focusing on your wellbeing, and know that your feelings and needs matter.

..Read more

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Janak

Janak Patel  |15 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 10, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 10, 2025Hindi
Money
Advice Needed: Transitioning Back to India & Financial Planning Hello, I’m currently in the process of transitioning back to India after spending the last 15 years abroad. My family includes my wife (early 30s) and our 1-year-old baby. We are staying with my parents for now but are planning to move into a larger, more comfortable residence, either by buying or renting. I’d love to hear some perspectives on my financial situation, as I’m trying to figure out the best course of action in this new chapter. Here’s a quick summary of where I stand: 1. Cash Savings: We’re consolidating assets from both India and abroad, and will have about ₹4 crore in liquid funds. 2. Retirement Savings: I have a PPF-equivalent account of around ₹70 lakhs, which I can only access at age 65. I’m hoping the modest returns from this will be sufficient for my retirement. 3. Inherited Assets: I’ve inherited ancestral properties valued around ₹30 crore. I’m not planning to liquidate these assets or touch them for at least the next 10 years. 4. Career: I work in IT and expect a salary of about ₹1.3 lakh per month (after tax) in India. My wife is in the early stages of her career, so we’re still deciding whether she will work here or possibly start her own small business. Given all of this, here’s where I’m at: * Investment options: I’m considering investing the ₹4 crore in commercial real estate to generate passive income. I’ve seen a couple of properties with rental guarantees of ₹1.5 lakh per month, with a 5% annual increase. * Housing preference: My family prefers to live in a gated community, so I’m not really inclined to invest in residential property for passive income. * Housing decision: Should I buy an apartment or villa now, betting on my career certainty here, or focus on creating more financial freedom first before making career moves in India? In my heart, I feel that achieving financial independence should be my first priority before diving into career opportunities or starting a business here. What would you do in my situation? I'd love to hear your thoughts or any advice you can offer!
Ans: Hi,

Welcome back to India and Congratulations on taking this big decision to move back to India.

Before I start my response to your queries, just want you to know we share a couple of things in common. I was abroad for a considerable time and returned back to India and I was also in the IT field at that time, before I moved ship to Personal Finance and Financial Planning. So I can relate to some of your concerns, queries and thought process in that regard.

This may be a bit long but hopefully its helpful.
Your current Financial summary -
Cash/Liquid funds - INR 4 Crores
PPF equivalent - INR 70 Lakhs available at age 65
Inherited properties - valued at INR 30 crores no plan to liquidate as of now
Salary/Income - INR 1.3 lakhs per month in hand

As a few critical data points are not mentioned but with few indicators in queries, I will make some assumptions for the same - Age 37 years, Location for housing/work - Metro/2nd tier city.

Lets get a couple of things kept aside for this discussion -
PPF equivalent - INR 70 lakhs > for retirement can grow to an amount between INR 2 Crores (@4% returns) to INR 4.5 Crores (@7% returns), will cover this again when I mention Retirement below.
Inherited Properties - as there is no plan for liquidation, excluding this completely.

Decisions to be made -
1. Investment Options
2. Housing Buy/Rent
3. Financial freedom/independence

Lets go through each of these and I will add more for your consideration as they will have a weightage on all future decisions.

1. Investment Options
A> Commercial real estate with investment on INR 4 Crores and return of INR 1.5 lakhs per month
Pros -
Regular month income
Commercial Real Estate asset

Cons -
Return on Investment is 4.5% before reducing charges for maintenance, may be below 4% net in hand
Rental Income is taxable (added to other incomes and taxed as per slab rate) expect highest tax rate of 30% as total income will exceed INR 30 lakhs (Salary + rent)
All available funds will be deployed

Note - Commercial real estate appreciation is primarily based on location. Capital gains on Commercial real estate attract tax at 20% as of now.

B> Lets consider an alternative approach assuming investment is for a long term which is usually for real estate assets e.g. 20 years
Invest INR 4 Crores in Mutual funds.
A well diversified portfolio can generate 12% returns over the long term. The Corpus after 20 years will be over INR 38 Crores.

But considering your requirement for a monthly income from this investment, lets do another approach. Split your Investment.
Invest INR 2 Crores in a well diversified Mutual Funds portfolio expecting a 12% return - Corpus at the end of 20 years = INR 19+ crores
For regular income, Invest INR 2 Crores in Balanced Advantage mutual funds and considering a modest return of 10% (last 10 years data will show higher returns). Keep investment for 1 year before withdrawing to attract Long term Capital Gains tax (tax efficient approach). After 1 year you can receive INR 1.5 lakhs per month (increasing at 5% annually) for the next 20 years.

Pros -
Investment generates higher rate of return, Corpus growing/compounding at 12% return
Regular month income
Investment returns are more tax efficient
Flexibility to deploy all or partial funds towards building a corpus
Corpus can be liquidated in future much faster and easily than Real estate

Cons -
No real estate asset

Recommendation - Approach B is recommended as this will provide liquidity and appreciation towards wealth creation. This will also provide availability of funds for a new venture as and when required if that becomes a viable option in the future.

2. Housing Buy/Rent
If you plan to stay in India for long and settle down (not clearly indicated considering career options), you can consider buying a house property. But if the work location is not what you believe to be the place where you would like to settle down, then start with a Rental option and over time reconsider location for buying option.

Buying Property
Pros -
Asset is generated
Stability of residence if/when self occupied
Some amount of tax deductions/exemptions can be claimed if Loan is taken

Cons -
A large amount of funds required/blocked for full payment / partial payment (with loan)
EMI on Loan reduces income/funds in hand
EMI is much higher than rent
Locked to the property, change will be expensive

Renting Property
Pros -
Capital is not deployed immediately
Rent can be claimed for tax benefits
Provide opportunity to consider long term housing decision
Difference between EMI and Rent can be Invested to generate a good corpus
Flexibility to move jobs across locations

Cons
No Asset is generated
Rent is an expense
No sense of ownership in the house you stay

So in summary, the decision is more individual and how you perceive the house property as an asset. For flexibility to settle down in your career in India I can recommend to start with a Rental option and I am sure in a few years you will know where and what to buy (if at all) towards your house property. Also Location is again critical towards budget and type of housing to consider.

3. Financial freedom/independence
This is probably more important than we realize. With time if we accumulate debt through loans, and expenses, this is one goal which takes a back seat.
Assuming you have worked on the above 2 goals and finalized your options/approach for them, I would strongly recommend you plan your monthly expenses and cash in/outflows to understand what amount you have in hand that can be considered towards savings for the future.
With a long road ahead in your work life (another 20+ years), Asset allocation needs to be considered when planning to deploy your savings. Equity based investment can provide health returns for investments that are for more than 7 years and a well diversified Mutual Fund portfolio can achieve this. For requirements within 5-7 years do consider debt products to park your money and earn modest returns giving priority to liquidity and safety.

Few very important points are not mentioned but I would like to highlight and you should start considering them immediately.

1. Life Insurance - Buy a Term Life plan for yourself and once your wife starts earning, for her too. The amount needs to be calculated and my final recommendation (last para below) will cover this. Start with INR 50 lakhs and keep adding based on the Financial plan.

2. Health Insurance - Buy a good coverage for Family (even though you may have some with your employer). Recommend to go upto 1 Crore (and there are multiple options Base cover + Top-up covers for this).

3. Emergency Funds - Keep aside at least 6-9 months of expenses as emergency funds in a safe and liquid investment e.g. Fixed Deposits.

4. Your child's education - Within another 1.5 years schooling (pre-primary) will start and the education expenses are not as easily managed now. They will require a plan as they escalate very quickly as the child moves towards higher levels of education. Education inflation is in the range of 12% ~ 15% on average. So depending on what your decide for the school/education institute, this becomes a considerable amount and if unplanned may erode your corpus very quickly.

5. Though you have mentioned Retirement briefly, the PPF-equivalent amount will not be sufficient for retirement. Retirement typically at 60 years of age demands a corpus to cover the next 20-25 years of lifespan. Considering inflation may be just getting covered by the modest returns on your INR 70 lakhs fund, you are definitely short on the retirement side.

As you can see we have not considered the inherited property in this discussion, it can have a considerable impact towards your over financial plan.

Though I have provided some responses to your individual queries, this will still need a more comprehensive Financial Planning.
Hence I strongly recommend you approach a Certified Financial Planner and go through the process to arrive at a Financial plan which will be in sync with your Life plan. A CFP will take into account all aspects of your personal preferences and guide you towards various options and alternatives you can consider. The comprehensive Financial plan will include/cover all aspects of Investment management, Risk management (life and health Insurance), Retirement planning and Tax management - a tax efficient approach towards your requirements. Please remember just as Life is ever changing and evolving for each of us, so will your Financial plan require the changes and evolution to stay relevant for you, and this is where a CFP will add the most value when you have a long association. A CFP will plan and re-plan your goals and its requirements over the years and provide options and recommend the amounts and product categories to consider for each of them.

Best wishes for you to settle down and hope the above has provided a start towards it.

Thanks & Regards
Janak Patel
Certified Financial Planner.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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