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Should I End My Affair?

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |352 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 19, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 09, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I am married woman .i have an affair with unmarried man since last 4 year .. now he plans to marry and cut the relationship but I can’t accept it all .. .. what should I do

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I don't know what pushed you to seek a relationship outside of your marriage; I am also not assuming that you have an open marriage- keeping that in mind, I don't see how you are not okay with the guy getting married. You are married, and you can never have a marital relationship with the guy. The relationship you share with him is not legitimate and it won't be unless you leave your husband. You didn't mention divorce, so I am assuming you don't plan to do so. Then why do you expect him to stick with you without any prospect of a future? Please consider what I said. I am sure you already know this, but it's time you come to terms with it.

Best Wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 01, 2023

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Relationship
Hi I am 38 year married woman with one 12yr boy and living in joint family. I am doing everything very honestly and sincerely as a lady does as housewife but I never got love respect as wife from my husband and few years after our marriage I had seen changes in his behavior and day by day he is getting very rude towards me. So I decided to enquire the reason behind these and came to know that he is having affairs with someone whom he is treating as his wife and giving everything to her as his wife and also wants her to get married. I told these to both of our parents and after talking with him he assured of not continuing the affair. But after that incident I had not seen any change in his behavior and still acting in the same way. I told these to my parents but because of some compulsion we both discussed and decided to accept it and continue it the way as it is but these is very difficult for me to accept these and continue these relationship. In my schooldays I likes a boy, we love each other but after my marriage we had never been in contact with each other and he also not contacted me respecting my decision.But after these incident and during Corona I contacted him to know how he is and came to know that he is still unmarried and waiting for me and I told him about my married life.As he loves me very much and still wants me as his wife and told me that he will accept me as I am. As I also loves him a lot and after knowing that he is still waiting for me its become very difficult for me live without him as now i doesn’t feel complete without him. I remain honest in my married life but after these incident I dont want to live here and also unable to leave because of family condition and also because of the society we lived in. We shares everything with each other . He respects me and my feelings and loves me a lot and I feel that he is always there for her and will support me in all respect. Kindly guide me what shall I do.
Ans: Dear P,
It is unfortunate that you had to snoop around and find out about your husband's affair.
And it is understandable that you are trying to ease the pain but HOW?

The way the mind responds is to immediately move away from pain to feel better. But that doesn't mean you jump into another relationship. It is not healthy. This person from your past can be a good friend who can support you as you go through your marriage challenges and decisions that you might eventually make. take time to get to know each other. Who you knew him in the past, may not be the person who he is now. Priorities change, situations change.
Do not assume the same attraction till you have given each other the time and space with each other to gauge this. Even a bit of care and attention will seem like attraction especially when you have a husband who is being just the opposite.
So, my suggestion is to start on a friendly note and see how it grows first before thinking of a committed relationship AND don't forget you have a child too. Your friend will have to understand that if he accepts you, he also needs to be willing to take responsibility to treat your son as his. So, go slow and don't let this connection become a mere distraction. You will both end up spoiling it and you would not done anything to fix your marriage as well.
Does this make sense? You probably wanted a better response from me to get a go-ahead. I can't do that as it will just bring you more heartbreak. Close one door to be able to walk through another one confidently.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 17, 2023

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Relationship
Hi I am 38 year married woman with one 12yr boy and living in joint family. I am doing everything very honestly and sincerely as a lady does as housewife but I never got love, respect as wife from my husband and few years after our marriage I had seen changes in his behavior and day by day he is getting very rude towards me. So I decided to enquire the reason behind these and came to know that he is having affairs with someone whom he is treating as his wife and giving everything to her as his wife and also wants to marry her. I told these to our parents and after talking with him he assured of not continuing the affair. But after that incident I had not seen any change in his behavior and still acting in the same way. I told these to my parents but because of some compulsion I decided to accept it and continue it the way as it is but these is very difficult for me to accept these and continue these relationship. In my schooldays I likes a boy, we love each other but after my marriage we had never been in contact with each other and he also not contacted me respecting my decision.But after these incident I contacted him to know how he is and came to know that he is still unmarried and waiting for me and I told him about my married life.As he loves me very much and still wants me as his wife and told me that he will accept me as I am. As I also loves him a lot and after knowing that he is still waiting for me its become very difficult for me live without him . I remain honest in my married life but after these incident I dont want to live here and also unable to leave because of family condition and also because of the society we lived in but now its became very difficult for me to continue these married life. We shares everything with each other . He respects me and my feelings and loves me a lot and I feel that he is always there for me and will support me in all respect. Kindly guide me what shall I do.
Ans: Dear P.
Never use a current situation to justify a new relationship. You are simply using the new relationship as a distraction from the old unsuccessful one.
Any reason why you had decided to accept your husband's affair?

You have not moved past your marriage to be able to handle another relationship. First things first...
1. What happens to your son in this confusion?
2. Have you decided to separate/divorce your husband before pursuing the new person?
3. Is the new person willing to accept your son and understand that he is a part of all this?
4. Are you living some unfulfilled dream with this man from your past?
5. Are you running away from the pain of your marriage and seeking solace in the new person?

Kindly answer these questions before you jump from one relationship to another. It will save you a lot of heartache and trouble.
Relationships are not something to be used to escape from and into BUT something to be grown into and grown from.

All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |366 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 05, 2023

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Relationship
Hi I am 38 year married woman with one 12yr boy and living in joint family. I am doing everything very honestly and sincerely as a lady does as housewife but I never got love respect as wife from my husband and few years after our marriage I had seen changes in his behavior and day by day he is getting very rude towards me. So I decided to enquire the reason behind these and came to know that he is having affairs with someone whom he is treating as his wife and giving everything to her as his wife and also wants her to get married. I told these to both of our parents and after talking with him he assured of not continuing the affair. But after that incident I had not seen any change in his behavior and still acting in the same way. I told these to my parents but because of some compulsion we both discussed and decided to accept it and continue it the way as it is but these is very difficult for me to accept these and continue these relationship. In my schooldays I likes a boy, we love each other but after my marriage we had never been in contact with each other and he also not contacted me respecting my decision.But after these incident and during Corona I contacted him to know how he is and came to know that he is still unmarried and waiting for me and I told him about my married life.As he loves me very much and still wants me as his wife and told me that he will accept me as I am. As I also loves him a lot and after knowing that he is still waiting for me its become very difficult for me live without him as now i doesn’t feel complete without him. I remain honest in my married life but after these incident I dont want to live here and also unable to leave because of family condition and also because of the society we lived in. We shares everything with each other . He respects me and my feelings and loves me a lot and I feel that he is always there for me and will support me in all respect. Kindly guide me what shall I do
Ans: Dear P
Dear P

Big hugs

It sounds like you are in a very difficult and complex situation. Your husband's behavior towards you is not acceptable, and it is understandable that you feel hurt and unsupported in your marriage. It is also understandable that you have feelings for someone from your past who has always been respectful of your marriage and who now wants to be with you.

However, it's important to remember that any decision you make will have consequences, and it's important to carefully consider all the potential outcomes before making a choice. It's also important to think about what is best for you and your son, as well as for the other people involved.

Here are a few things to consider:

Talk to a professional: It may be helpful to speak with a therapist or counselor to help you sort through your feelings and make a decision that is right for you. A professional can provide an objective perspective and help you explore your options.

Think about your priorities: Consider what is most important to you in your life. Do you want to prioritize your own happiness and pursue a relationship with the person you love, or do you want to prioritize your family and the stability of your current living situation?

Consider the impact on your son: Think about how any decision you make will impact your son. Will he be able to adjust to a new living situation, and how will he be affected by your decision to leave your current marriage?

Talk to your husband: If you haven't already, it may be helpful to have an honest conversation with your husband about how his behavior has made you feel and what you need from him in order to feel supported and respected in your marriage.

Think about the long-term: Consider the long-term implications of any decision you make. How will it impact your financial situation, your relationships with family members, and your own emotional well-being?

Ultimately, the decision about what to do is yours, and it's important to make a choice that feels right for you. Just remember to take your time, think carefully, and seek support from those you trust.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |352 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 14, 2024

Relationship
Hello, I m 21 female I m in a long distance relationship with 32 year male.this person was behind me and always asked me to give him a chance to prove his love for me. At that period i was afaird of relationships as I didn't have courage to go against wish of my parents as i know they wolud never agree for love marriage,so that is fir sure i'll do arrange Marriage. All these things have been explained by my side to this person.He gad feelings for me thats what he showed to me even I felt a connection towards him, so we decided let's not commit anything anout marraige as we both wee not sure about these thing. After some time i realised these person has already made his mind ki he'll date me and he wanted to have everything that an relationship has but he will not marry me.But i m completely in love with.Even i told him about it ki I can't share him n won't be able to see him.with someone else.i just can't imagine myself without him. I fought with him even begged and cried but he always defend his self sayi g i told already ki he loves me and will keep loving me but will not marry me . He vists me after 6-9 months interval every time he visuts me he needs to have physical relationship. I don't know whether I m right or wrong but i feel like I m being used by him. I tried several time to end this relationship but i end up chasing him.Plz help me,guide me
Ans: Dear Rutuja,
If you have the slightest feeling that he doesn't share the same feelings for you as you do for him, or that he has wrong intentions, you have every right to end the relationship. In fact, that would be the right thing to do. I understand that it is difficult to break up with someone you love, but does he love you? Don't you think you deserve someone who loves you and does not make you feel as if you are being used?

Have a clear conversation with him- address all your concerns. If he still maintains his stand of not getting married to you, then let him know that you are not on the same page as him. Remember, for a relationship to work, your future goals need to align.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |352 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 10, 2024
Relationship
I am a girl who met a muy in a friendly chat app and been talking to him through text and calls since the past 6 months...he told me about his past 3 breakups which were online too and he didnt meet those girls.He told he loved my nature and loves me madly n cannot live without me..i was moving with him as a friend initially,but feeling turned into love gradually..he lied to me about his name too n i found many a times flirting and chatting with other girls.Still i have forgiven as he is my first love. Recently,I met with an accident and was in a serious condition ..my phone was with my relative and she told him about my condition when he put a message to me.He even asked my relatives about the hospital address n my relative has given it. He didn't turn up and was chatting online with other girls till early morning n continued later too by chatting n cracking jokes when i was in such a serious condition.A friend of mine told me about this. When i confronted him after my discharge,he told my relative didnt give the response which is a lie ..as the proof chatting with other girls is there..n later he didnt even text to know how am i for 2days.. I am an emotional girl ,attaching n detaching is a bit difficult thing...i am broken ..when he didnt love me ..what made him use the words like he cannot live without me n will marry me. He asked for a chance,i am fed up of his lies..i made him introduce to my parents also..When i am so true to him..why does he need to chat n flirt with other girls?..even after knowing my condition instead of meeting me..he was chatting.. We still didnt meet,thought of meeting n met with an accident Does he deserve an other chance or should i leave him,please suggest mam.Why is he doing so?.I even helped him small amounts financially too when he asked for.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am very concerned about the last part of your question where you mentioned helping him financially. We ask all our dating app users not to discuss money let alone involve in a financial transaction with an online match. It gives me the impression that he might have been pursuing the relationship with you for monetary benefits; I am not saying that with surety but there is always a chance of that happening.

And now let's address your main concern- if you should give him another chance. I cannot decide that for you but let me ask you one thing- do you think you deserve to be with a person who did not care that you were in a critical condition and continued flirting with others? Even if we keep your accident aside, do you think it is a healthy relationship where one partner keeps flirting with people outside the relationship? I don't think so.

Please make the right choice and don't focus on momentary happiness, think about how this relationship will affect your future.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6592 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 14, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi I am 46 years old, my current investment is -as the follows, 1.90 cr in bank FD, 10 lakh in mutual fund and stocks. 50 lakhs for child’s education 1 child in grade 10. I have a house worth 2 cr which I have given for rent 40k monthly .I do not want to work any more and plan to retire in the next 2 years in my other house in my village. Is it possible to retire by 50 years.
Ans: At 46, you have built up a solid base for retirement. Your current investments include Rs 1.9 crore in fixed deposits (FDs), Rs 10 lakh in mutual funds and stocks, and Rs 50 lakh set aside for your child’s education. Additionally, you own a house worth Rs 2 crore, generating a rent of Rs 40,000 per month. Retiring by 50 is a realistic goal, but careful planning is needed. Let’s break down how this can be achieved and sustained.

Monthly Expenses After Retirement
The first step to ensuring a successful retirement is to estimate your monthly expenses. Since you plan to retire in your village house, your living costs might be lower than in the city. However, it's important to account for:

Regular living expenses such as food, utilities, and transportation.
Medical and health care costs that might increase as you age.
Inflation, which will erode the value of your savings over time.
You should aim to create an emergency fund and a monthly income plan that covers at least your basic needs. Your rental income of Rs 40,000 will cover a part of this, but more sources of income will ensure financial stability.

Education Fund for Your Child
With Rs 50 lakh set aside for your child’s education, you are already in a strong position. However, as your child is currently in grade 10, higher education expenses could increase significantly over the next few years.

To maintain the growth of this fund, consider placing it in a combination of low-risk instruments like debt mutual funds. These funds are less volatile and offer better returns than traditional savings methods. This strategy ensures that the education corpus remains intact and grows moderately until it's needed.

Reassessing the Fixed Deposits (FDs)
You have Rs 1.9 crore in fixed deposits, which provides stability. While FDs offer guaranteed returns, the interest rates can be lower than inflation over time. Hence, relying too much on FDs could limit your long-term growth.

Since you are planning to retire within two years, it's essential to start shifting a portion of this money into balanced investment options. These can include mutual funds with a mix of debt and equity, which provide a balance of stability and growth.

This move can help you combat inflation and generate better long-term returns without too much risk.

Mutual Fund and Stock Investments
Your Rs 10 lakh investment in mutual funds and stocks is another important part of your portfolio. You could consider:

Increasing your exposure to mutual funds with a focus on equity, especially in growth funds. Over the next two to three years, these funds can potentially generate higher returns, enhancing your retirement corpus.

Actively managed funds can offer better results compared to index funds, as professional fund managers help navigate market volatility.

Avoid direct funds, as they require constant monitoring and may lack the guidance that comes with investing through a certified financial planner (CFP).

You can slowly phase out some of your FD savings and channel them into well-diversified mutual funds. This strategy will increase your overall return potential and give you more flexibility.

Rental Income and Sustainable Withdrawals
Your rental income of Rs 40,000 is a good source of passive income. Post-retirement, you will rely more on this money to meet your monthly expenses. But it is crucial to build a sustainable withdrawal strategy from your other investments as well.

Consider the following steps to ensure you have enough income post-retirement:

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): You can set up an SWP in your mutual funds to provide a regular stream of income. An SWP allows you to withdraw a fixed amount each month while letting your corpus continue to grow.

Diversification of sources: Along with your rental income, an SWP from your mutual funds, interest from fixed deposits, and dividends from your stock investments will help you maintain a steady cash flow.

Medical Insurance and Health Care Planning
One of the most important aspects of retiring early is securing your health care. Medical costs can take up a significant portion of your savings if not properly managed.

Ensure you have a comprehensive health insurance policy with adequate coverage. Additionally, consider a top-up health insurance plan to cover higher medical expenses that could arise in the future. This will protect your retirement corpus from being depleted due to medical emergencies.

Managing Inflation and Risk
Inflation can severely impact your retirement plans. The costs of goods, services, and medical care will rise over time. Therefore, your investments must grow faster than inflation to maintain your lifestyle.

To counter inflation, it’s advisable to:

Maintain a portion of your portfolio in equity. Equity investments historically offer higher returns compared to debt and fixed-income options. Over the long term, equities can help your corpus grow at a rate that outpaces inflation.

Diversify into debt funds to reduce risk while maintaining liquidity. A mix of equity and debt will help you stay safe from market volatility but still give you decent growth.

Risk Management in Retirement
Since you plan to retire at 50, it’s essential to preserve your capital while also growing it. The strategy of balancing risk and reward is crucial. You can:

Lower the risk in equity investments as you approach your retirement date. You could reduce your equity exposure gradually and shift to lower-risk investments like debt funds, which are more stable.

Avoid high-risk investments or speculative moves, especially when you are so close to retirement. Your focus should now be on wealth preservation with moderate growth.

Final Insights
Yes, retiring by 50 is possible, but it requires careful management of your assets and income sources. Here’s a summary of how you can achieve this:

Reassess your fixed deposits: Move a portion into mutual funds to increase returns while keeping a part for liquidity.

Increase your mutual fund investments: Actively managed funds can offer better long-term growth, especially when you are not working.

Leverage your rental income: Rs 40,000 monthly rental income will cover part of your expenses, but supplement it with SWPs from your mutual fund corpus.

Preserve the education fund: Invest in safer instruments to ensure the Rs 50 lakh remains secure and grows steadily.

Diversify and manage risk: A mix of equity and debt will give you growth and safety, and help fight inflation.

Health care planning: Ensure you have strong health insurance coverage to protect your retirement corpus from medical emergencies.

By taking these steps, you can retire at 50 with financial security and peace of mind.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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