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Feeling Stuck in 12-Year Marriage: What Should I Do?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1459 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 27, 2025

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 17, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

I am married to my husband for 12 years. Our was a love marriage arranged by our parents. But over the years we have drifted apart for various reasons. It started with disagreements due to in-laws. Once our child was born, we struggled to balance with our day jobs. It led to fights but we had our share of joys as well. However, we have realised that we are no longer the couple we used to be. We were better off as friends. I seemed to have lost the friend with whom I could share everything without any judgement. I don't know what to do now.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Things don't stay rosy forever in marriages. Which simply means it requires effort to keep a marriage alive...
What bothers the two of you is what you must work on and perhaps things can get sorted out, right? It's obviously easy to give up and walk out but that's not just going to impact the two of you, but also your child. You haven't shared if you have made those efforts and hence I wouldn't know what you should do...Start from the very beginning...a clean slate may help here...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1459 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 27, 2021

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Relationship
Dear mam, my husband and I had a love marriage. We dated for five years before getting married and we have been living together for 8 years now. I am working and we have a 5 year old son. He is a very good guy but his parents and relatives who are staying with us are making things difficult for us now. Like you suggested I tried talking to my husband but I feel he is being biased and taken for granted. I tried to adjust and ignore some things but there is a lot of politics going on every day which is affecting both of us. From money issues to privacy and kitchen fights, we are dealing with a lot of things that I am not able to talk and solve. This is affecting my career and my son’s studies too. Every time I start a discussion it leads to a big fight in front of everyone. Ultimately I am cornered and blamed. The patent response is: everyone adjusts. I’m not able to handle it well and no support from anyone. Also I don’t have anyone to talk to whom I can trust. Please help.
Ans: Dear S, Thank you for trying to apply a few of my suggestions. Extended families can be a huge challenge to live with as much as there are advantages as well.

Too much mixing of thoughts and opinions that at times you feel that your thoughts are never valued.

Either, you ease into this and know that this will be your world; which means you start to ‘try’ to become happy which can be stressful.

If this is impossible and you want to change it, then STEP UP for yourself and for your son.

No arguments, no fights, but firmly asserting what you want.

Be kind always no matter what because your husband is just in the midst of his family and the family system that he has been raised with, your protests don’t matter much.

Making your point known doesn't need fights, but reiterating what you want and that your thoughts must be respected.

It’s possible that over a few weeks, this new calm behavior of yours might bring some change in your husband and he may start hearing and listening to what you have to say.

If that doesn’t work, yes you may have to take the help of a professional who will put you two together in a place and become a good third person who will facilitate the communication.

Whatever it is, be kind and calm and I am sure you are…it helps in ‘breaking down’ the stubbornness in other people and they maybe willing to calm down as well.

Be at peace.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1459 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 16, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2023Hindi
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Dear Anu I am married to my husband for 9 years now. It was a love marriage and I have known him for over 12 years now. Over the last few years, so much has happened. We've disagreed over his friends, my in-laws, our political views. He has rarely ever supported me in public. Instead of finding a middle ground or finding solutions, he chooses to walk away because he likes to sit on the fence. Because of his silence, I am always portrayed as the villain of the story. He doesn't want to criticise anyone but has time and again blamed me for keeping him away from his 'close circle'. I don't understand how any of this is my fault when it is he who has distanced himself instead of sorting out differences when the time was right? Now, I have to think twice before expressing anything. This has naturally widened the gap between us and except for physical intimacy, we have lost the friendship we once shared. How do I deal with this?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Love marriages, we assume is safeguarded against any of the usual misunderstandings that crop up in a marriage that is arranged. But, I guess when you are in love, it usually takes a spin of 'anything is fine, because I love him/her'.
What this initial understanding does is keep you in a place of 'all is fine' which comes back to haunt you later in life. Your friends need not be equal to my friends, what you like to eat may not be what I like to eat, but in love this doesn't stand a chance. So, now that this is where both of you are, what I can suggest is:
- Go back to that moment where both of you thought of coming together into a marriage.
The reason is usually ONE strong one and it is the one that needs to serve as a reminder.
- Of course, like many will tell you, sit down as two mature adults and talk about what irks either of you and giving a patient listening to one another, even when they say things against you. Remember, you are rebuilding your marriage.
- Remind yourselves how you were in love, even if you have enough evidence now against it
- Learn to celebrate each other's individual lives; Chinese and Mexican food rarely go well together, yet we learn to relish them individually, don't we?
- His silence is his defence mechanism and the only way to break it is through a lot of reassurance that he will be heard
- A lot of care and love in creating moments where you can be by yourselves minus family, friends and children (if any) can give the two of you some time to resolve the underlying issues

It takes two to build a marriage and the blame game will continue...one of you has to break the pattern to draw a different perspective where the marriage seems every bit worth it.
So, all the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1459 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 03, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 02, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hello Anu, I am 43, married woman. We hv a college going teenager son. My hubby has a hi-profile job and I am a language instructor. Since past one year or so, my husband and I are drifting apart. Whenever we try to make up, we end up messier and even raking a lot of muck on each other due to silly points. This distances us further. In all this, my son has taken my place as his father's friend in.the house and confidant. Not that I dont like this, am happy as they both are mine. My husband dsnt really hv time to listen to my emotional banter. And I hv been feeling very lonely and sidelined. Anu I made friends with a married man some months back with whom I spoke for few months and he became a very good friend to me and my confidant.. it was a platonic friendship and he was always kind and sympathetic and supported me a lot.He brought so much goodness in my life in just those few months. But we decided to discontinue talking for sake of family and maybe I brought this on me by letting him know that I should not hide this from my husband about just plain friendship with another male. We r not talking anymore but he shares all that matters to him with me too not personally though(online) by letting me be part of his statuses. As for me, it hasn't been easy to let him go. Every single day, I hear his words in my head and there is this void which makes me squirm at my loss. Its as if a part of me is dead. I want him to just be back with me as friends or which ever way and talk to me. I ll make sure i make no mistakes this time. am unable to get over this friend of mine.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Filling up emotional voids by inviting another person only qualifies for more stress and confusion.
Obviously you have got attached to this other person and rightly so; someone who offers a lending ear when you need it the most always seems to be caring about you. Plus you have a comparison point in your husband which will always mostly make you believe that your actions are justified.

Now, this is not to make you feel guilty BUT just to tell you that any void that is filled with an external source and not by yourself is going to make you feel the way you are; strained, anxious and maybe even desperate over time.
Ask yourself:
Can I just stop with being friends with this man without having him fulfil my emotional void?
If YES, then great...
If NO, then you might want to understand that entanglement of feelings is a possibility that you might have to deal with later.

Check where you are on the spectrum of emotions and whether you can find other ways of feeding your emotional needs without 'needing' this man. Then when you reach out to him, it will be a healthy association for both of you.
Also, make that effort within your marriage as hard as it may seem now to bridge things between you and your husband. Gaps within the marriage most often allow for a third person to step in.
Be your best friend first...

All the best!

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |515 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Mar 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello there Ravi, I am married with one teenager son. My hubby has a hi profile job. About a year ago, I became friends with a married man and we connected really well and it was a great friendship we had. About half a year ago that we decided to disconnect with each other mutually. It was just a very simple but amazingly thick friendship. And all the more reason to part ways. Even though so much time has passed, there are some memories that I cannot erase and I find that we still look out for each other too. He left a huge impact on me and even though am able to move on from him majorly, I still crash into him ( we don’t talk now) or his family and the memories of our friendship comes back to me. Earlier I used to shed a tear daily on losing him as a friend now I don’t though but since he’s always around I find it difficult to forget him fully.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand it's difficult to lose a friend. Friendships are important and it is not uncommon to have lingering feelings even if he was just a friend. It happens with most deep friendships. However, right now it is essential to prioritize your current relationships and commitments, including your marriage and family and most importantly, yourself.

I suggest you focus on the present and be grateful for the friendship you experienced. Remind yourself of the reason you decided to sever ties; it must have been important to be worth losing a great friend. Engage in self-care. Find new friends. Not all friendships will be thick but having friends is essential to live a healthy life.

Remember, it takes time to move on, even if it is from a friendship. Allow yourself that time. There is no need to rush through the process. If you find these feelings persisting, seeing a counselor can help you get through it in a more structured way. Nevertheless, you are doing great yourself!

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7666 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 28, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 28, 2025Hindi
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Money
I AM 46 YEAR OLOD WITH 42 YEARS OLD WIFE AND 2 KIDS AGED 12 & 7.I HAVE CORPUS OF ABOUT 1.7CR IN PF,30 L IN NPS , 75L IN PPF,40L INMFS AND 40 LAKHS IN FDS.I AHVE MY OWN HOME IN TIER 2 CITY.CAN I RETIRE WITHIN A YEAR.
Ans: Evaluating Your Current Financial Position
Your corpus is Rs. 3.55 crore, spread across various investment options.

PF (Rs. 1.7 crore) offers security and regular income post-retirement.

NPS (Rs. 30 lakh) provides a partial annuity option, though withdrawal rules apply.

PPF (Rs. 75 lakh) is risk-free with tax-free returns but has liquidity restrictions.

Mutual funds (Rs. 40 lakh) give growth potential but are market-linked.

FDs (Rs. 40 lakh) provide stability but may not beat inflation.

You own a home, which secures your housing needs.

Your spouse (42 years) and kids (12 and 7 years) add ongoing financial responsibilities.

Is Retirement Feasible Within a Year?
Retiring at 46 is achievable but depends on expense control and inflation.

Your corpus can support early retirement with disciplined investment.

Children's education and healthcare costs are key considerations.

Planning for Children’s Education
Higher education costs will increase significantly in the next 5-10 years.

Allocate separate funds for this goal in debt or balanced instruments.

Use PPF maturity or part of FDs for these expenses.

Creating an Emergency Fund
Set aside 12-18 months of expenses as an emergency fund (Rs. 6-9 lakh).

Liquid funds or high-interest savings accounts are ideal for emergencies.

This provides financial security during unforeseen events.

Insurance Coverage Assessment
Ensure adequate health insurance for your family, including top-up plans.

Consider health coverage of at least Rs. 20-25 lakh for medical emergencies.

Reassess life insurance for you and your spouse post-retirement.

Addressing Inflation
Inflation will erode your purchasing power over the years.

Allocate a portion of your corpus to equity mutual funds for growth.

Balanced investment ensures long-term financial stability.

Asset Allocation Strategy Post-Retirement
Equity Allocation
Invest 40%-45% in equity mutual funds for inflation-beating returns.

Choose actively managed large-cap or flexi-cap funds for moderate risk.

Avoid sector-specific or small-cap funds at this stage.

Debt Allocation
Keep 40%-45% in debt instruments like PPF, debt funds, and SCSS.

Debt funds offer better post-tax returns than FDs.

Use staggered withdrawals from PPF to fund expenses.

Gold Allocation
Maintain gold allocation through SGB or gold ETFs if needed.

Avoid increasing allocation as it doesn’t generate income.

Liquid Assets
Keep 5%-10% of your portfolio in liquid funds or savings accounts.

This ensures liquidity for short-term needs.

Generating Regular Income
Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWP)
Use SWPs from mutual funds for tax-efficient monthly income.

Start with a 3%-4% annual withdrawal rate.

Reinvest unspent amounts to preserve corpus.

Laddered Fixed Deposits
Use laddered FDs for periodic and predictable cash flows.

Avoid reinvesting in FDs during low-interest rate cycles.

Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS)
SCSS offers stable returns but is taxable.

Invest within limits to balance stability and tax efficiency.

Tax Planning
Equity mutual funds’ LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.

STCG on equity funds is taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds’ LTCG and STCG are taxed as per your tax slab.

Plan withdrawals carefully to minimise tax liability.

LIC and Investment Plans
If you hold LIC or investment-linked insurance, review its returns.

Surrender low-performing plans and reinvest in mutual funds for higher growth.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner for a detailed assessment.

Steps to Minimise Risks
Diversify across asset classes to reduce dependency on any one investment.

Review your portfolio annually to maintain balance.

Avoid emotional decision-making during market fluctuations.

Long-Term Financial Monitoring
Regularly review your spending to ensure it aligns with your plan.

Adjust your asset allocation based on lifestyle changes and market performance.

Seek guidance from a Certified Financial Planner for timely updates.

Final Insights
Your current corpus can support early retirement with efficient planning. Allocate funds wisely for children’s education and inflation. Build a diversified portfolio to ensure growth and stability. Prioritise regular income generation and tax efficiency.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7666 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 28, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 28, 2025Hindi
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Money
I want to retire this year 50 years. My corpus is PF 61L SSA 22L PPF 60L FD/ NSC/KVP 100L SGB 5L NPS 20L LIC 11L. I am having a son studying 12th and daughter 10th. My monthly expenses 50K.
Ans: Analysing Your Current Financial Position
Your total corpus is Rs. 2.79 crore, spread across multiple instruments.

PF (Rs. 61 lakh), SSA (Rs. 22 lakh), and PPF (Rs. 60 lakh) are secure investments.

FD/NSC/KVP of Rs. 1 crore provides stability but may not beat inflation.

SGB (Rs. 5 lakh) adds a small allocation to gold, ensuring diversification.

NPS (Rs. 20 lakh) and LIC (Rs. 11 lakh) contribute to your retirement corpus.

Monthly expenses of Rs. 50,000 require Rs. 6 lakh annually, excluding inflation.

Your children’s education expenses are a near-term priority.

Can You Retire This Year?
Your current corpus is adequate for early retirement, subject to proper allocation.

Inflation, healthcare costs, and children’s education require careful planning.

Regular income streams must be established from your corpus to cover expenses.

Financial Priorities Before Retirement
Children’s Education
Your son is in 12th, and your daughter is in 10th, requiring immediate planning.

Set aside a separate fund for higher education in secure instruments.

Use debt funds or PPF withdrawals to fund this goal without market risks.

Emergency Fund
Keep an emergency fund equal to 12-18 months of expenses (Rs. 6-9 lakh).

Use liquid funds or bank savings for this purpose.

This fund ensures liquidity during unexpected situations.

Insurance Review
Maintain adequate health insurance for the entire family.

Consider a top-up health insurance policy for higher coverage.

Reassess your life insurance needs post-retirement.

Inflation Protection
Inflation will erode the value of your savings over time.

Allocate a portion of your corpus to equity for growth.

Equity mutual funds can generate returns that beat inflation.

Ideal Asset Allocation Post-Retirement
Equity Allocation
Allocate 40%-50% of your corpus to equity for long-term growth.

Choose diversified or large-cap mutual funds for stability.

Avoid high-risk small-cap funds at this stage.

Debt Allocation
Keep 40%-45% in debt instruments for stable income.

Use a mix of debt mutual funds, SCSS, and PPF withdrawals.

Avoid over-concentration in FDs, as returns may not beat inflation.

Gold Allocation
SGB of Rs. 5 lakh is sufficient as a hedge against inflation.

Avoid increasing gold allocation unnecessarily.

Liquid Assets
Keep 5%-10% of your portfolio in liquid funds or savings accounts.

This ensures immediate access to funds during emergencies.

Generating Regular Income After Retirement
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)
Use SWP from mutual funds for tax-efficient monthly income.

Start with a 3%-4% withdrawal rate to preserve your corpus.

Laddered Fixed Deposits
Use laddered FDs for predictable and periodic cash flows.

This reduces reinvestment risk when FD rates are low.

Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS)
Invest in SCSS for secure and regular income.

Interest is taxable, but the stability makes it worth considering.

Tax Planning for Retirement
Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs. 1.25 lakh on equity funds are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains (STCG) on equity are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Withdraw funds systematically to optimise tax liability.

Recommendations for LIC
Evaluate the surrender value and future returns of your LIC policy.

If returns are low, consider surrendering and reinvesting in mutual funds.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner to assess the impact on your portfolio.

Steps to Minimise Risks
Diversify your portfolio across asset classes to reduce risk.

Avoid over-dependence on a single investment type, like FDs.

Rebalance your portfolio annually to maintain the desired asset allocation.

Monitoring and Reviewing
Review your financial plan annually or when there are major life changes.

Adjust your asset allocation as per your spending patterns and market performance.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner for regular portfolio reviews and updates.

Final Insights
Your current corpus is sufficient for early retirement with proper planning. Set aside funds for children’s education and emergencies before retiring. Diversify and rebalance your portfolio to maintain financial stability. Ensure tax efficiency and inflation protection for long-term sustainability.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Harsh

Harsh Bharwani  |72 Answers  |Ask -

Entrepreneurship Expert - Answered on Jan 28, 2025

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Career
What business can be started by investing one crore rupees?
Ans: Hello Mr. Avnish
Investing one crore rupees provides opportunities to establish impactful businesses like an education franchise, an IT company and other fields, which have strong growth potential.

1. Education Franchise-
Partnering with established brands like top educational companies, institutes, and centres is a lucrative opportunity to provide training, education or other services. With an investment of ?30-50 lakh covering franchise fees, infrastructure and marketing, the education sector offers an ROI of 15-30% annually. Education is a recession-proof industry, and choosing a location near schools or residential areas can ensure high enrollment. Vocational training franchises can focus on specialized areas like IT, networking or soft skills, which attract both students and corporate clients. Generally, break-even is achieved within 1.5 to 3 years.

2. IT/Software Company-
Starting an IT or software development company focused on high-demand areas like SaaS, AI or Fintech is an excellent opportunity for exponential growth. With an investment of ?50 lakh to ?1 crore primarily for hiring skilled developers, infrastructure, and marketing, this venture can deliver an ROI of 25-50% annually. Niche markets such as blockchain, cloud computing, or cybersecurity offer access to high-value projects. Building a strong portfolio through smaller contracts can pave the way for acquiring larger clients. Scalability is enormous, and adopting remote operations can help reduce overhead costs. Break-even is usually achieved within 2-3 years.

3. Healthcare Clinic or Diagnostic Centre-
The growing demand for quality healthcare services makes setting up a diagnostic lab, speciality clinic, or wellness centre a promising business. With an investment of ?60 lakh to ?1 crore for medical equipment, premises, and marketing, the healthcare sector offers an ROI of 20-30% annually. Services such as pathology, radiology, or speciality care (e.g., dental or physiotherapy) are in great demand. Partnering with healthcare professionals and offering subscription-based health packages can improve cash flow. Break-even typically occurs within 2-4 years.

4. Retail Franchise (Specialized Products)-
Launching a franchise for specific products like an organic food store, branded apparel or tech gadgets can be a profitable venture. With an investment of ?30-70 lakh covering the franchise fee, inventory and setup, retail franchises offer an ROI of 15-25% annually. Brands like Decathlon, Fabindia or Apple Authorized Reseller already have strong customer bases. Selecting a high-traffic area ensures steady sales, and expanding into e-commerce can further expand market reach. Break-even is typically achieved within 2-3 years.

5. Electric Vehicle (EV) Charging Stations-
The growing demand for sustainable energy solutions makes setting up an EV charging station a far-sighted investment. With an investment of ?50-75 lakh for equipment, installation, and licenses, EV charging stations can generate an ROI of 20-30% annually. Partnering with government programs or EV manufacturers can increase reliability. A location in a high-traffic area or near residential areas ensures steady usage. Additional revenue streams, such as an on-site café or convenience store, can further boost profits. Break-even is typically achieved in 3-5 years.

Key Considerations-
Market Research: Understand the demand, competition, and future trends in your chosen sector.
Location: Choose locations strategically based on target demographics and accessibility.
Scalability: Opt for businesses with room for expansion, such as adding new locations or diversifying services.
Break-Even: Most businesses achieve profitability within 2-4 years with proper planning.

...Read more

Harsh

Harsh Bharwani  |72 Answers  |Ask -

Entrepreneurship Expert - Answered on Jan 28, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025Hindi
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Career
How AI is going to help in construction equipment sales and magketing?
Ans: Artificial intelligence is revolutionizing construction equipment sales and marketing by increasing efficiency, accuracy, and customer engagement. For example, AI-powered tools like Salesforce Einstein or HubSpot CRM can analyze market data to predict demand trends, helping businesses optimize inventory and pricing strategies. Similarly, platforms like Marketo use AI to create personalized marketing campaigns by understanding customer preferences, sending targeted emails, and making tailored recommendations.

In sales, AI-powered chatbots, such as those using Dialogflow or ChatGPT, provide instant customer support, answering questions and guiding buyers through their journey. For example, a customer searching for a bulldozer can instantly receive suggestions for the model best suited to their project needs, including pricing and availability. Predictive analytics tools like Crystal can identify high-value leads, helping sales teams prioritize efforts and close deals faster.

Additionally, AI simplifies repetitive tasks such as follow-ups, appointment scheduling, and data entry using automation tools like Zapier. For example, an AI system can automatically notify a sales representative when a potential customer revisits a company website or downloads a brochure, indicating interest.

Overall, AI manufacturing tools help businesses streamline processes, reduce costs, and deliver exceptional customer experiences, ultimately leading to higher sales and better ROI.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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