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Feeling Stuck in 12-Year Marriage: What Should I Do?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 27, 2025

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 17, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

I am married to my husband for 12 years. Our was a love marriage arranged by our parents. But over the years we have drifted apart for various reasons. It started with disagreements due to in-laws. Once our child was born, we struggled to balance with our day jobs. It led to fights but we had our share of joys as well. However, we have realised that we are no longer the couple we used to be. We were better off as friends. I seemed to have lost the friend with whom I could share everything without any judgement. I don't know what to do now.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Things don't stay rosy forever in marriages. Which simply means it requires effort to keep a marriage alive...
What bothers the two of you is what you must work on and perhaps things can get sorted out, right? It's obviously easy to give up and walk out but that's not just going to impact the two of you, but also your child. You haven't shared if you have made those efforts and hence I wouldn't know what you should do...Start from the very beginning...a clean slate may help here...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 27, 2021

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Relationship
Dear mam, my husband and I had a love marriage. We dated for five years before getting married and we have been living together for 8 years now. I am working and we have a 5 year old son. He is a very good guy but his parents and relatives who are staying with us are making things difficult for us now. Like you suggested I tried talking to my husband but I feel he is being biased and taken for granted. I tried to adjust and ignore some things but there is a lot of politics going on every day which is affecting both of us. From money issues to privacy and kitchen fights, we are dealing with a lot of things that I am not able to talk and solve. This is affecting my career and my son’s studies too. Every time I start a discussion it leads to a big fight in front of everyone. Ultimately I am cornered and blamed. The patent response is: everyone adjusts. I’m not able to handle it well and no support from anyone. Also I don’t have anyone to talk to whom I can trust. Please help.
Ans: Dear S, Thank you for trying to apply a few of my suggestions. Extended families can be a huge challenge to live with as much as there are advantages as well.

Too much mixing of thoughts and opinions that at times you feel that your thoughts are never valued.

Either, you ease into this and know that this will be your world; which means you start to ‘try’ to become happy which can be stressful.

If this is impossible and you want to change it, then STEP UP for yourself and for your son.

No arguments, no fights, but firmly asserting what you want.

Be kind always no matter what because your husband is just in the midst of his family and the family system that he has been raised with, your protests don’t matter much.

Making your point known doesn't need fights, but reiterating what you want and that your thoughts must be respected.

It’s possible that over a few weeks, this new calm behavior of yours might bring some change in your husband and he may start hearing and listening to what you have to say.

If that doesn’t work, yes you may have to take the help of a professional who will put you two together in a place and become a good third person who will facilitate the communication.

Whatever it is, be kind and calm and I am sure you are…it helps in ‘breaking down’ the stubbornness in other people and they maybe willing to calm down as well.

Be at peace.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 16, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2023Hindi
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Dear Anu I am married to my husband for 9 years now. It was a love marriage and I have known him for over 12 years now. Over the last few years, so much has happened. We've disagreed over his friends, my in-laws, our political views. He has rarely ever supported me in public. Instead of finding a middle ground or finding solutions, he chooses to walk away because he likes to sit on the fence. Because of his silence, I am always portrayed as the villain of the story. He doesn't want to criticise anyone but has time and again blamed me for keeping him away from his 'close circle'. I don't understand how any of this is my fault when it is he who has distanced himself instead of sorting out differences when the time was right? Now, I have to think twice before expressing anything. This has naturally widened the gap between us and except for physical intimacy, we have lost the friendship we once shared. How do I deal with this?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Love marriages, we assume is safeguarded against any of the usual misunderstandings that crop up in a marriage that is arranged. But, I guess when you are in love, it usually takes a spin of 'anything is fine, because I love him/her'.
What this initial understanding does is keep you in a place of 'all is fine' which comes back to haunt you later in life. Your friends need not be equal to my friends, what you like to eat may not be what I like to eat, but in love this doesn't stand a chance. So, now that this is where both of you are, what I can suggest is:
- Go back to that moment where both of you thought of coming together into a marriage.
The reason is usually ONE strong one and it is the one that needs to serve as a reminder.
- Of course, like many will tell you, sit down as two mature adults and talk about what irks either of you and giving a patient listening to one another, even when they say things against you. Remember, you are rebuilding your marriage.
- Remind yourselves how you were in love, even if you have enough evidence now against it
- Learn to celebrate each other's individual lives; Chinese and Mexican food rarely go well together, yet we learn to relish them individually, don't we?
- His silence is his defence mechanism and the only way to break it is through a lot of reassurance that he will be heard
- A lot of care and love in creating moments where you can be by yourselves minus family, friends and children (if any) can give the two of you some time to resolve the underlying issues

It takes two to build a marriage and the blame game will continue...one of you has to break the pattern to draw a different perspective where the marriage seems every bit worth it.
So, all the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 03, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 02, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hello Anu, I am 43, married woman. We hv a college going teenager son. My hubby has a hi-profile job and I am a language instructor. Since past one year or so, my husband and I are drifting apart. Whenever we try to make up, we end up messier and even raking a lot of muck on each other due to silly points. This distances us further. In all this, my son has taken my place as his father's friend in.the house and confidant. Not that I dont like this, am happy as they both are mine. My husband dsnt really hv time to listen to my emotional banter. And I hv been feeling very lonely and sidelined. Anu I made friends with a married man some months back with whom I spoke for few months and he became a very good friend to me and my confidant.. it was a platonic friendship and he was always kind and sympathetic and supported me a lot.He brought so much goodness in my life in just those few months. But we decided to discontinue talking for sake of family and maybe I brought this on me by letting him know that I should not hide this from my husband about just plain friendship with another male. We r not talking anymore but he shares all that matters to him with me too not personally though(online) by letting me be part of his statuses. As for me, it hasn't been easy to let him go. Every single day, I hear his words in my head and there is this void which makes me squirm at my loss. Its as if a part of me is dead. I want him to just be back with me as friends or which ever way and talk to me. I ll make sure i make no mistakes this time. am unable to get over this friend of mine.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Filling up emotional voids by inviting another person only qualifies for more stress and confusion.
Obviously you have got attached to this other person and rightly so; someone who offers a lending ear when you need it the most always seems to be caring about you. Plus you have a comparison point in your husband which will always mostly make you believe that your actions are justified.

Now, this is not to make you feel guilty BUT just to tell you that any void that is filled with an external source and not by yourself is going to make you feel the way you are; strained, anxious and maybe even desperate over time.
Ask yourself:
Can I just stop with being friends with this man without having him fulfil my emotional void?
If YES, then great...
If NO, then you might want to understand that entanglement of feelings is a possibility that you might have to deal with later.

Check where you are on the spectrum of emotions and whether you can find other ways of feeding your emotional needs without 'needing' this man. Then when you reach out to him, it will be a healthy association for both of you.
Also, make that effort within your marriage as hard as it may seem now to bridge things between you and your husband. Gaps within the marriage most often allow for a third person to step in.
Be your best friend first...

All the best!

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |526 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Mar 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello there Ravi, I am married with one teenager son. My hubby has a hi profile job. About a year ago, I became friends with a married man and we connected really well and it was a great friendship we had. About half a year ago that we decided to disconnect with each other mutually. It was just a very simple but amazingly thick friendship. And all the more reason to part ways. Even though so much time has passed, there are some memories that I cannot erase and I find that we still look out for each other too. He left a huge impact on me and even though am able to move on from him majorly, I still crash into him ( we don’t talk now) or his family and the memories of our friendship comes back to me. Earlier I used to shed a tear daily on losing him as a friend now I don’t though but since he’s always around I find it difficult to forget him fully.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand it's difficult to lose a friend. Friendships are important and it is not uncommon to have lingering feelings even if he was just a friend. It happens with most deep friendships. However, right now it is essential to prioritize your current relationships and commitments, including your marriage and family and most importantly, yourself.

I suggest you focus on the present and be grateful for the friendship you experienced. Remind yourself of the reason you decided to sever ties; it must have been important to be worth losing a great friend. Engage in self-care. Find new friends. Not all friendships will be thick but having friends is essential to live a healthy life.

Remember, it takes time to move on, even if it is from a friendship. Allow yourself that time. There is no need to rush through the process. If you find these feelings persisting, seeing a counselor can help you get through it in a more structured way. Nevertheless, you are doing great yourself!

Best Wishes.

..Read more

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Radheshyam

Radheshyam Zanwar  |1189 Answers  |Ask -

MHT-CET, IIT-JEE, NEET-UG Expert - Answered on Feb 15, 2025

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My son has got 91 percentile in the recent jee exam , he has next attempt in april, but i feel its difficult for him , can i know about other good colleges in karnataka , as im based their. interested in computer science and aeronautical degree, also advise some recent good courses for his career in india.
Ans: Hello Manoj.
Do not get stressed at this stage. Even though his score is 91 percentile in 1st attempt, he can do well in 2nd attempt. But from the safer side, ask him to appear in the Karnataka State Engineering Entrance Examination also. Even if he scores less in JEE on 2nd attempt, he may good college via the state entrance examination in CSE or aeronautical engineering as per your wish. For your reference, there are 10 colleges in India where you can get admission without a JEE score. To know more details, please copy and paste the following link into your browser- https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/education/news/10-engineering-colleges-in-india-for-pursuing-btech-without-jee-main-2025-score/articleshow/118162587.cms.
There are no such courses to be called as recent. The choice of courses depends upon the interest of your son. Hence there is no need to hurry and get into panic at this stage. Let him appear for both exams first, Ask about his interests, and then choose the course accordingly. I would be happy to suggest you after knowing his scores in JEE+State entrance + his liking.
Till then, ask him to focus only on two engineering entrance exams. Best of luck to your son for upcoming exams.

If satisfied with the reply, please like and follow me, else ask again.
Thanks
Radheshyam

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