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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 03, 2023

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 02, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

Hello Anu, I am 43, married woman. We hv a college going teenager son. My hubby has a hi-profile job and I am a language instructor. Since past one year or so, my husband and I are drifting apart. Whenever we try to make up, we end up messier and even raking a lot of muck on each other due to silly points. This distances us further. In all this, my son has taken my place as his father's friend in.the house and confidant. Not that I dont like this, am happy as they both are mine. My husband dsnt really hv time to listen to my emotional banter. And I hv been feeling very lonely and sidelined. Anu I made friends with a married man some months back with whom I spoke for few months and he became a very good friend to me and my confidant.. it was a platonic friendship and he was always kind and sympathetic and supported me a lot.He brought so much goodness in my life in just those few months. But we decided to discontinue talking for sake of family and maybe I brought this on me by letting him know that I should not hide this from my husband about just plain friendship with another male. We r not talking anymore but he shares all that matters to him with me too not personally though(online) by letting me be part of his statuses. As for me, it hasn't been easy to let him go. Every single day, I hear his words in my head and there is this void which makes me squirm at my loss. Its as if a part of me is dead. I want him to just be back with me as friends or which ever way and talk to me. I ll make sure i make no mistakes this time. am unable to get over this friend of mine.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Filling up emotional voids by inviting another person only qualifies for more stress and confusion.
Obviously you have got attached to this other person and rightly so; someone who offers a lending ear when you need it the most always seems to be caring about you. Plus you have a comparison point in your husband which will always mostly make you believe that your actions are justified.

Now, this is not to make you feel guilty BUT just to tell you that any void that is filled with an external source and not by yourself is going to make you feel the way you are; strained, anxious and maybe even desperate over time.
Ask yourself:
Can I just stop with being friends with this man without having him fulfil my emotional void?
If YES, then great...
If NO, then you might want to understand that entanglement of feelings is a possibility that you might have to deal with later.

Check where you are on the spectrum of emotions and whether you can find other ways of feeding your emotional needs without 'needing' this man. Then when you reach out to him, it will be a healthy association for both of you.
Also, make that effort within your marriage as hard as it may seem now to bridge things between you and your husband. Gaps within the marriage most often allow for a third person to step in.
Be your best friend first...

All the best!

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |295 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Mar 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello there Ravi, I am married with one teenager son. My hubby has a hi profile job. About a year ago, I became friends with a married man and we connected really well and it was a great friendship we had. About half a year ago that we decided to disconnect with each other mutually. It was just a very simple but amazingly thick friendship. And all the more reason to part ways. Even though so much time has passed, there are some memories that I cannot erase and I find that we still look out for each other too. He left a huge impact on me and even though am able to move on from him majorly, I still crash into him ( we don’t talk now) or his family and the memories of our friendship comes back to me. Earlier I used to shed a tear daily on losing him as a friend now I don’t though but since he’s always around I find it difficult to forget him fully.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand it's difficult to lose a friend. Friendships are important and it is not uncommon to have lingering feelings even if he was just a friend. It happens with most deep friendships. However, right now it is essential to prioritize your current relationships and commitments, including your marriage and family and most importantly, yourself.

I suggest you focus on the present and be grateful for the friendship you experienced. Remind yourself of the reason you decided to sever ties; it must have been important to be worth losing a great friend. Engage in self-care. Find new friends. Not all friendships will be thick but having friends is essential to live a healthy life.

Remember, it takes time to move on, even if it is from a friendship. Allow yourself that time. There is no need to rush through the process. If you find these feelings persisting, seeing a counselor can help you get through it in a more structured way. Nevertheless, you are doing great yourself!

Best Wishes.

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