i have been married for 9 months but my husband is nver interest in sex. He doe not even hug me properly. It is an arrange marriage but our engagement lasted for 1.5 years and at that we had good physical relationship. we used to make out whenever we could get a chance. But after the day we were married he is never interested. he did not even try to have sex on our first night or at our honeymoon. We do make out once a month but that too only if i initiate. We sleep in the same bed but he has never come to cuddle with me after first week of marriage. He is not making any efforts to make me feel loved, special or beautiful. I have tried a lot of time to talk to him openly but he answers to any questions. He says that he loves me but never puts in any effort to make me feel like i am being loved. And whenever i complain he will try to change for 1 week and then everything is as it is. But 1 thing i have noticed is that he wanted to have sex if i go away to my parents house for 1-2 weeks and comeback. Can you help me.

Dear K,

I can understand you being too embarrassed to talk to family or friends about this problem, but you could try speaking to your husband about it directly instead?

Be frank about how your sex life is leaving you unfulfilled and disappointed.

If there is a physical issue, you could both visit a medical expert and then a marriage counsellor if there’s a psychological problem.

For your part, you need to realise that, in a long-term relationship, the frequency of sex does reduce over time.

It can’t always be forced, although I do understand that once in a month is leaving you frustrated with the lack of attention from your husband.

The key to a good sex life is good communication. You have to be honest about how you feel.

Also, I don’t understand the ‘for the sake of it’ part you’ve put in there -- that one time every few weeks, is it he who initiates it or is he only doing so to satisfy you? That information may hold a clue as to why your sex life is on the down low.

It could be simply that his drive doesn’t match yours, in which case you both need to compromise and maybe give in to each other from time to time. Say, once every two weeks to start with?

Dear Anonymous,

When there is a challenge with physical intimacy, it could be a physiological or a psychological problem. Either case, it needs some treatment.

But the worse could be conditioning about sex from childhood.

We all carry our maps when it comes to sex and beliefs around it. Along comes so many people and media and more who draw on these maps and we are left at the mercy of things that don’t belong to us.

Since he cares for you as you mentioned it, can you request him to sit down with you for an honest conversation where you can express all of this to him.

Who knows he might be willing to understand, and things can flow from there on.

Be kind instead of accusatory in your tone during the conversation. This will help ease him as well. But of course, if he resists the request, you might suggest that he see a professional.

It might again be met with some resistance but well, you need to try every trick in the book to meet an outcome.

Also, be aware that physical intimacy happens when the closeness develops outside the bedroom. So, spend a lot of time together, laugh a lot.

Praise his efforts in the marriage and appreciate the qualities in him.

Most often men who avoid sex simply suffer from low self-esteem and self-worth. So, play along and mean every compliment from the heart.

Best wishes to you!