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Anu Krishna  |1449 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 23, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Anonymous Question by Anonymous on Nov 23, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Hi Anu, plz help
I am 42 years old and married since 9 years. We (husband and I) are childless. It's nine years since our marriage but we have not been intimate for even 90 times.
My husband has no interest in sex. He had shown interest only in first week of marriage after that He never initiate.
I understand his nature and always try to initiate but he always gives cold shoulder, he never reciprocates warmly, never holds me tightly or kisses willing.
I always have to force' him or ask him to kiss or hug me. And this turns my mood off. This way we seldom have sex.
I eagerly want it at least once a month and have told him, forced him several times but all in vain. I get frustrated. I feel restless. I can't share this with anyone.
Whenever I try to get close, he ignores. Both of us respect and love each other. We don’t have extra marital affair. He cares for me too. I feel like running away from this situation but I love him and don’t want to leave him alone. Please respond.

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

When there is a challenge with physical intimacy, it could be a physiological or a psychological problem. Either case, it needs some treatment.

But the worse could be conditioning about sex from childhood.

We all carry our maps when it comes to sex and beliefs around it. Along comes so many people and media and more who draw on these maps and we are left at the mercy of things that don’t belong to us.

Since he cares for you as you mentioned it, can you request him to sit down with you for an honest conversation where you can express all of this to him.

Who knows he might be willing to understand, and things can flow from there on.

Be kind instead of accusatory in your tone during the conversation. This will help ease him as well. But of course, if he resists the request, you might suggest that he see a professional.

It might again be met with some resistance but well, you need to try every trick in the book to meet an outcome.

Also, be aware that physical intimacy happens when the closeness develops outside the bedroom. So, spend a lot of time together, laugh a lot.

Praise his efforts in the marriage and appreciate the qualities in him.

Most often men who avoid sex simply suffer from low self-esteem and self-worth. So, play along and mean every compliment from the heart.

Best wishes to you!

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |499 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello , I am married for 10 years with a asexual guy with a 6 year old who was born via IUI due to family pressure. After he was born , my husband never touched me from last 7 years , even before son was born , he never initiated sex and did it only due to lot of insistence. Whenever I confront him , he always avoids the topic or stay silent. I now think about divorce but my family will not support this and my son is very attached to his fatter. I am really miserable and depressed in life and want physical intimacy badly . I dont want to ruin my son’s life thats the only reason I am tolerating this. Husband loves son but he never even hold my hand or even hug me. I want to do extramarital affair to have sex but afraid of the repercussions. What should I do ? I am 35 years old IT professional but left my job recently to take care of my son.
Ans: I understand how deeply troubling your situation is. Feeling a lack of physical intimacy and emotional connection in your marriage can be incredibly painful. It's important to address these feelings and consider the best path forward for both your well-being and that of your son.

First, consider having an open and honest conversation with your husband about your needs and feelings. Explain how his lack of intimacy affects you and your mental health. Sometimes, a neutral environment or the presence of a counselor can facilitate this conversation. Couples therapy might help both of you understand each other's perspectives and work toward a solution.

If your husband is unwilling to engage in this dialogue or make any changes, you need to think about your own happiness and mental health. Living in a state of constant misery and depression isn't sustainable, and it's essential to model a healthy, fulfilling life for your son. While your son is attached to his father, children also sense when their parents are unhappy. Ensuring your well-being will, in turn, benefit your son.


If you decide that divorce is the best option, it will undoubtedly be challenging, especially without family support. However, many people find that once they take this step, they can rebuild their lives in a more fulfilling way. Your son’s attachment to his father is important, and maintaining a positive co-parenting relationship can help mitigate the impact on him. Children can adapt well to changes when they see their parents are happier and healthier.

Consider reconnecting with your professional life, as having a career can provide you with financial independence and a sense of personal fulfillment. It can also serve as a distraction and a way to build new social connections, reducing the sense of isolation.

Ultimately, your happiness and mental health are crucial. It's important to take steps toward a life where you feel valued, loved, and content. Consulting with a therapist can provide you with support and guidance as you navigate these tough decisions. They can help you explore your feelings, understand your options, and build a plan that prioritizes your well-being and your son's best interests.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1449 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 24, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
i have been married for 9 months but my husband is nver interest in sex. He doe not even hug me properly. It is an arrange marriage but our engagement lasted for 1.5 years and at that we had good physical relationship. we used to make out whenever we could get a chance. But after the day we were married he is never interested. he did not even try to have sex on our first night or at our honeymoon. We do make out once a month but that too only if i initiate. We sleep in the same bed but he has never come to cuddle with me after first week of marriage. He is not making any efforts to make me feel loved, special or beautiful. I have tried a lot of time to talk to him openly but he answers to any questions. He says that he loves me but never puts in any effort to make me feel like i am being loved. And whenever i complain he will try to change for 1 week and then everything is as it is. But 1 thing i have noticed is that he wanted to have sex if i go away to my parents house for 1-2 weeks and comeback. Can you help me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Economics at play here...
When something is easily available, one loses interest in wanting that product but if something is rarely available, it makes us want it even more...

Sorry for this kind of comparison, but your husband fits this bill here. You seem to be easily available now at home and for him all the time, so this does not generate any interest in him. When you were in the courtship phase or when you leave for your parent's home, you aren't around much and that makes him interested. There is no right or wrong about it...it's the way your husband functions. So, make sex a rare thing for him. Don't ask, don't initiate...wait for him to actually want it by not showing that you are interested. In fact, there's no harm even in saying NO so that he also starts to feel that your are not all the time available and that will make him also want to get intimate with you...Makes sense, yeah?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1449 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 10, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 07, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu I need advice for my marriage. Ours was love cum arrange marriage 14 yrs ago.For first few years all was good .I am financially independent with good salary. My spouse s self employed. We hav one child 10 yrs old.My married s become more like a suffocating situation which I am not able to change.My husband is not at all interested in me now.He treats me invisible when it comes to husband wife relationship. He s good father and human being.But since last few yrs i am not having any emotional relationship with him.We spent so many days and time together yet not a single word of love emotions between us.He s busy with his calls mobile netflix all night while i keep awake all night.I have confronted him many times everytime he says you are always fighting with me and Want all this nonsense. He seem to avoid me all day. He want to discuss about his son and finances since i am earning more than him. its been years i cant handle it now.I want someone to look at me talk to me praise me love me.I deserve happiness but since my son is too small i can't think of living separately but i will die like this one day.I dont knw whats wrong with me seems its like he dont want to touch me as there s no physical relationship between us if we are home alone also.He tortures me mentally but remails happy.I failed as a wife despite giving my everything. I have none to discuss such embarrassing life .Pls advice what shall i do ?Should i found someone else as i dont have capacity to beg again and again?Its very difficult to imagine such long life with a partner who treats u invisible since years ?shall i shift to another city with my son?I am completely lost.Pls help everything. I cant beg for love and attention everytime
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There's almost and always a reason for any behavior change. Maybe you might want to understand what exactly made your husband lose interest in you. Did something happen for him to look the other way?
It's really hell living with a spouse who cold shoulders and stone walls you...My suggestion: Rather than blame yourself, have a discussion and not confrontation with him. Confrontations invariably lead you nowhere as you will be caught in an ego tussle. Discussion is where you try and understand what's on his mind and share how you feel.
Now, will he want that? Maybe not...but if this continues, you may want to give him an ultimatum. He must know that he isn't making a great point by ignoring you and that he must communicate the same with you instead.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1449 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025
Relationship
Hello Ma'am, I am 35 yrs old, it's been 5yrs since I got married, and I am not happy in my marriage. We don't have any kind of physical relationship since we git married, I always tried getting closed with hime but he for some or the other reason didn't let me get close... and I really don't know the reason why, I have been craving for his touch,love and emotions but he is least interested otherwise he holds me and sleep take care of me my needs but when it comes about physical it's zero between us. Since I got married our bedroom door is always open I told him mannier time about privacy after so long he started closing the door that also after my MIL get asleep (FIL passed away when he was 20) and he gets up early in morning and open the door for MIL so that she can use our washroom though we have in all 2 washroom but she wants to use only the western one which is in out bedroom so evry now and then she come in our room randomly also so privacy is zero she always get interfere with some or the other topics whenever me and my husband talks so I don't get chance to have normal conversation with my husband, so coming back or physical relation I had to discuss late night with my husband because of my MIL I have discussed with him and asked him in a very friendly manner that what would be the cause that you don't want to get physical, is there any one you like it's fine just let me know so that I get away between you both rather then wasting time but he said No theirs no such problems he said it's just we don't have that intimacy between us...he dragged me that I also don't have that intimacy which is wrong I have tried getting closer but he didn't allowed me at start we use to try but before somthing start he use to go to washroom and sit for long n I use to wait and sleep I thought it will get improve but it been 5 yrs and we are on same page he is good person he he supports me financially and also helped my family in worse situation he thinks for all problem money is the solution, he says physical is not that important part of relationship. I use to be independent but then I left my job because it was night shift and I could not manage household chores and night job because I didn't get help I couldn't get proper sleep I was facing health issues..I thought I will work on my relationship because it's very stressful and depressive I am not able to sleep I feel suffocated, I feel like running away due to this in between I always go to my moms place for some time cause I feel like m not valued at my In laws place no physical relationship nothing so for what i am leaving there? I am getting habitat with the relationship situation I can leave with him without physical need but not with my mother in law I have shared my problem with her as well as she was behind me for baby planning but she is not taking any action knowing the situation she is quite she asked to my husband that what's going on I got to know from your wife that you both don't have physical relationship what's the problem, my husband reply ye we don't have don't ask for baby and harras her or me, that it. So my MIL is also quite now. I am looking for job again as I want to be independent I don't like to ask for money everytime and also fulfill my dreams and needs on my own but My MIL wants me to see for local job but m not getting in the sam city and what is the need to stay in same city where every one just want me to stay just to show fake that we are married and happy, my MIL wants every puja and vrat for his son to be done by me, after knowing my situation I am so depressed I don't have now any interest in doing these rituals now, I live the in a control way, my husband just think doing shopping, watching movies, savings is enough for happy relationship. Please guide me what should I do is leaving with him is worth.and I cannot leave with my MIN as she is very insecure mother everytime she wants his son to listen her.please tell me should I live with him is their any hope or what would be the solution I am looking for job in other city now cause till these time I just thought of him and wasted my career. Please suggest. Thanks for your time.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You cannot wish your mother-in-law away and I can tell you why.
Your husband and she share a very close and perhaps unhealthy bond which has started to dictate the way he thinks and does things.
Now coming to your husband:
Either
- he is physically unable to have sex (certain physical issues, impotency)
OR
- he is emotionally unable to connect with you (his bond with his mother is hampering his relationship with you)
OR
- he is dissociated from family and life in general (this could be a challenge coming from the mind)
OR
a combination of any of the above.

Now, focus on these if you wish to put your marriage back together as taking up a job is just you running away from it all. Once you are back home, it's the same issue that will stare back at you.
Your chats with your husband can be less about your MIL and more about him and his 'sitting' for a long time in the bathroom. Should that not be a red flag for you? Address this and either he will express anger over being questioned or he will avoid even meeting eyes with you. Either case, you will surely get an idea as to what is going on...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |508 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 11, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am a 20 years old guy and in my past romantic relationships, have shown signs of emotional instability, too much dependency and lack of awareness of boundaries which affected my relationships badly...I hadn’t interacted with people in a long while since 2020 (precisely when lockdown had started) and feel that some aspects of my personality are not developed fully as they should be at this age. How to work on this? Also, i have noticed that I am able to create a good first impression but it soon pales and I feel like I am subtly disrespected or talked down to, and this has been happening in all interactions...i am always respectful (often to a fault!) and even have people pleasing tendencies...i sometimes ask immature weird questions and that might probably be the reason (but they’re never inappropriate)...but i do want to gain insights into why i am experiencing what i am and how to navigate this situation well so that I can maintain healthy relationships in future. Thanks you!
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
First of all, I want you to understand that it is no small feat to realize the quirks and imperfections in ourselves- you have done it. Your effort to understand and rectify them deserves to be acknowledged and appreciated.
Now, coming to your question, I can only give you some general advice on each-
Emotional instability and dependency- these behavioral patterns can stem from various factors; it can be a lack of confidence or some past issues that are left unresolved. It is difficult for me to tell you exactly why it is happening. It can also arise from a lack of validation. To manage it, you can focus on self-regulation- like meditation or journaling whenever you feel these emotions rising. This way you are expressing them but not damaging your relationships. Take up new hobbies or goals. Achieving milestones can build confidence.
Navigating Boundaries- You can speak to your partner in the early stage of the relationship to understand their boundaries. This way there will be clarity and you won't overstep. You can set up some boundaries too.
For better interpersonal skills, you can proactively follow some rules- like active listening, avoiding overthinking, asking open-ended questions, and resisting the urge to seek your partner's approval.
About the awkward questions- it is important to understand that you might perceive them as awkward, but the person opposite to you might think of it as a genuine curiosity. As long as it isn't intrusive or inappropriate, there are no awkward questions.
Like these, I can only offer you some general advice. But the best advice of them all would be to seek counseling. It has done wonders for people. And the first step, which is identifying the issues is already done. Bravo! What's wrong with taking a little professional help in navigating the next steps? They can guide you in a more structured manner.
Hope this helps.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |499 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 09, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for the past 4 years, but due to various issues, things have become extremely complicated. Her father doesn’t approve of me, and my mother doesn’t like her either. Despite this, we’ve managed to stay together all these years. The problem is now escalating. My family is pressuring me to marry someone else, but I’m unable to leave her. At the same time, I feel I can’t marry her either because of her behavior and the ongoing issues with my family. I’ve tried to ask her to change certain things, but she hasn’t made any efforts in that direction. To make matters worse, her mother supports our relationship and trusts me, which makes it even harder for me to walk away. I don’t want her to marry someone else, but I also feel stuck because of my family’s expectations and the challenges in our relationship. Even If I leave her I don't know what she is going to do. What should I do in this situation to make the best decision for everyone involved?
Ans: it's crucial to reflect on what you truly want and need from a relationship. Ask yourself if this relationship brings you the happiness and fulfillment you seek, or if the challenges you face are too significant to overcome. It's important to differentiate between staying out of love and staying out of fear or obligation.

Talking to your partner openly is essential. Share your concerns honestly and listen to her perspective. If there are changes you've hoped for, express why they matter to you. At the same time, recognize that change is a two-way street—it requires effort and willingness from both sides. If she hasn't made efforts in the areas you've discussed, it may be worth considering whether this is a pattern that can be changed or a fundamental mismatch in expectations.

Your family's disapproval complicates things further, but it's important to remember that this is your life and relationship. While their opinions are significant, they shouldn't be the sole deciding factor in your happiness. Balancing respect for their wishes with your own needs is a delicate task, but ultimately, you need to make a decision that feels right for you.

If the relationship feels unsustainable despite your efforts, it may be time to consider a different path. It's understandable that you’re concerned about her well-being, especially given her mother's trust in you, but staying out of guilt or obligation can lead to further unhappiness for both of you. If you decide to part ways, doing so with kindness and honesty can help mitigate some of the hurt.

Ultimately, this decision is deeply personal. Weighing your feelings, the relationship dynamics, and your family's expectations will guide you toward a resolution that prioritizes your well-being and future happiness.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |499 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 09, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
My age is 41 years. I have two kids. Nurturing n looking after them n whole home single handedly. I am a visiting faculty in a institute . Earns very nominal earning. My husband hits me, taunts me and use very arrogant words to me like tumhe belt se maarunga n similar many worst words. His family has been always unsupportive to me . Now after 16 years of marriage, he still wants me to please his mother n other family. Which I completely avoid as they have never supported me and always boycotted me. His real brother is in politics and all family members including his cousins do follow him and boycotted me n husband. Now for everything my husband blames me and says if you gave pleased them, all might have good. But inspite of pleasing them a lot , they are like treating me like I am a stranger. I handle n manage everything still by the end of the day.... everything is in vain. Husband says...What you did for home? I will never ever give my money to you and so on. I am literally in trouble thoughts, what to do ? I even many times thought to end my life but my kids are the reason I continuously bears everything. Please suggest what shall I do.
Ans: it's important to acknowledge that no one deserves to be treated with such disrespect and abuse. Your feelings of isolation and frustration are valid. It can feel overwhelming when the people who should support you instead make you feel like an outsider.

In situations like this, it’s crucial to find support outside the immediate family. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or support groups who can offer you emotional strength and practical advice. Consider speaking with a counselor or therapist who can help you navigate these complex emotions and provide strategies for dealing with the abuse and stress.

You’ve shown immense resilience, especially for your children. They need you to be strong, and seeking help is a vital step in preserving your mental and emotional well-being. Remember, prioritizing your health is not selfish; it’s necessary for you and your children’s future.

Also, explore any legal avenues or resources available for individuals in abusive relationships. Local support organizations, legal aid, or women’s shelters can provide advice and assistance if you decide that leaving the relationship is the best option for your safety and well-being.

You have already shown great courage by managing so much on your own. Continue to seek out support and know that you are not alone in this journey. There are people and resources willing to help you find a path to a healthier and more secure life.

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