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Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 20, 2023

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Apr 18, 2023Hindi
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I got married (arranged marriage) two months back. But my husband has not proceeded for any intimate physical contact. He just hugs me occasionally but never proceeds further. When I asked him whether he likes me or not …he says he loves me…but tells need to develop more compatibility before proceeding. He is a gentleman and takes care of me. But not willing to proceed for physical intimacy. I am confused and don’t know how to address this issue. Both of us are IT professionals with MNCs and work from home.

Ans: Well if you feel like that, why don’t you make the first move instead of constantly waiting for him to? Give him a kiss on the lips, and see where it leads.

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Anu Krishna  |1488 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 23, 2022

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Hi Anu, plz helpI am 42 years old and married since 9 years. We (husband and I) are childless. It's nine years since our marriage but we have not been intimate for even 90 times. My husband has no interest in sex. He had shown interest only in first week of marriage after that He never initiate. I understand his nature and always try to initiate but he always gives cold shoulder, he never reciprocates warmly, never holds me tightly or kisses willing. I always have to force' him or ask him to kiss or hug me. And this turns my mood off. This way we seldom have sex. I eagerly want it at least once a month and have told him, forced him several times but all in vain. I get frustrated. I feel restless. I can't share this with anyone. Whenever I try to get close, he ignores. Both of us respect and love each other. We don’t have extra marital affair. He cares for me too. I feel like running away from this situation but I love him and don’t want to leave him alone. Please respond.
Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

When there is a challenge with physical intimacy, it could be a physiological or a psychological problem. Either case, it needs some treatment.

But the worse could be conditioning about sex from childhood.

We all carry our maps when it comes to sex and beliefs around it. Along comes so many people and media and more who draw on these maps and we are left at the mercy of things that don’t belong to us.

Since he cares for you as you mentioned it, can you request him to sit down with you for an honest conversation where you can express all of this to him.

Who knows he might be willing to understand, and things can flow from there on.

Be kind instead of accusatory in your tone during the conversation. This will help ease him as well. But of course, if he resists the request, you might suggest that he see a professional.

It might again be met with some resistance but well, you need to try every trick in the book to meet an outcome.

Also, be aware that physical intimacy happens when the closeness develops outside the bedroom. So, spend a lot of time together, laugh a lot.

Praise his efforts in the marriage and appreciate the qualities in him.

Most often men who avoid sex simply suffer from low self-esteem and self-worth. So, play along and mean every compliment from the heart.

Best wishes to you!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1488 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 24, 2024Hindi
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i have been married for 9 months but my husband is nver interest in sex. He doe not even hug me properly. It is an arrange marriage but our engagement lasted for 1.5 years and at that we had good physical relationship. we used to make out whenever we could get a chance. But after the day we were married he is never interested. he did not even try to have sex on our first night or at our honeymoon. We do make out once a month but that too only if i initiate. We sleep in the same bed but he has never come to cuddle with me after first week of marriage. He is not making any efforts to make me feel loved, special or beautiful. I have tried a lot of time to talk to him openly but he answers to any questions. He says that he loves me but never puts in any effort to make me feel like i am being loved. And whenever i complain he will try to change for 1 week and then everything is as it is. But 1 thing i have noticed is that he wanted to have sex if i go away to my parents house for 1-2 weeks and comeback. Can you help me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Economics at play here...
When something is easily available, one loses interest in wanting that product but if something is rarely available, it makes us want it even more...

Sorry for this kind of comparison, but your husband fits this bill here. You seem to be easily available now at home and for him all the time, so this does not generate any interest in him. When you were in the courtship phase or when you leave for your parent's home, you aren't around much and that makes him interested. There is no right or wrong about it...it's the way your husband functions. So, make sex a rare thing for him. Don't ask, don't initiate...wait for him to actually want it by not showing that you are interested. In fact, there's no harm even in saying NO so that he also starts to feel that your are not all the time available and that will make him also want to get intimate with you...Makes sense, yeah?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1488 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025
Relationship
Hello Ma'am, I am 35 yrs old, it's been 5yrs since I got married, and I am not happy in my marriage. We don't have any kind of physical relationship since we git married, I always tried getting closed with hime but he for some or the other reason didn't let me get close... and I really don't know the reason why, I have been craving for his touch,love and emotions but he is least interested otherwise he holds me and sleep take care of me my needs but when it comes about physical it's zero between us. Since I got married our bedroom door is always open I told him mannier time about privacy after so long he started closing the door that also after my MIL get asleep (FIL passed away when he was 20) and he gets up early in morning and open the door for MIL so that she can use our washroom though we have in all 2 washroom but she wants to use only the western one which is in out bedroom so evry now and then she come in our room randomly also so privacy is zero she always get interfere with some or the other topics whenever me and my husband talks so I don't get chance to have normal conversation with my husband, so coming back or physical relation I had to discuss late night with my husband because of my MIL I have discussed with him and asked him in a very friendly manner that what would be the cause that you don't want to get physical, is there any one you like it's fine just let me know so that I get away between you both rather then wasting time but he said No theirs no such problems he said it's just we don't have that intimacy between us...he dragged me that I also don't have that intimacy which is wrong I have tried getting closer but he didn't allowed me at start we use to try but before somthing start he use to go to washroom and sit for long n I use to wait and sleep I thought it will get improve but it been 5 yrs and we are on same page he is good person he he supports me financially and also helped my family in worse situation he thinks for all problem money is the solution, he says physical is not that important part of relationship. I use to be independent but then I left my job because it was night shift and I could not manage household chores and night job because I didn't get help I couldn't get proper sleep I was facing health issues..I thought I will work on my relationship because it's very stressful and depressive I am not able to sleep I feel suffocated, I feel like running away due to this in between I always go to my moms place for some time cause I feel like m not valued at my In laws place no physical relationship nothing so for what i am leaving there? I am getting habitat with the relationship situation I can leave with him without physical need but not with my mother in law I have shared my problem with her as well as she was behind me for baby planning but she is not taking any action knowing the situation she is quite she asked to my husband that what's going on I got to know from your wife that you both don't have physical relationship what's the problem, my husband reply ye we don't have don't ask for baby and harras her or me, that it. So my MIL is also quite now. I am looking for job again as I want to be independent I don't like to ask for money everytime and also fulfill my dreams and needs on my own but My MIL wants me to see for local job but m not getting in the sam city and what is the need to stay in same city where every one just want me to stay just to show fake that we are married and happy, my MIL wants every puja and vrat for his son to be done by me, after knowing my situation I am so depressed I don't have now any interest in doing these rituals now, I live the in a control way, my husband just think doing shopping, watching movies, savings is enough for happy relationship. Please guide me what should I do is leaving with him is worth.and I cannot leave with my MIN as she is very insecure mother everytime she wants his son to listen her.please tell me should I live with him is their any hope or what would be the solution I am looking for job in other city now cause till these time I just thought of him and wasted my career. Please suggest. Thanks for your time.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You cannot wish your mother-in-law away and I can tell you why.
Your husband and she share a very close and perhaps unhealthy bond which has started to dictate the way he thinks and does things.
Now coming to your husband:
Either
- he is physically unable to have sex (certain physical issues, impotency)
OR
- he is emotionally unable to connect with you (his bond with his mother is hampering his relationship with you)
OR
- he is dissociated from family and life in general (this could be a challenge coming from the mind)
OR
a combination of any of the above.

Now, focus on these if you wish to put your marriage back together as taking up a job is just you running away from it all. Once you are back home, it's the same issue that will stare back at you.
Your chats with your husband can be less about your MIL and more about him and his 'sitting' for a long time in the bathroom. Should that not be a red flag for you? Address this and either he will express anger over being questioned or he will avoid even meeting eyes with you. Either case, you will surely get an idea as to what is going on...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 05, 2025

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Hi Anu I am a married woman with a very supportive husband and daughter. For last 10 years I am having an affair with a colleague and things are pretty well between us. Both of us have found the comfort and requisite from each other which we missed in married life and it saved our respective marriage though none of our family are aware of it. We balanced this till now effectively. Recently I got an opportunity within the company which is very lucrative and will enhance my career goals altogether however, for this I have to shift to another state. Now , my bf is very upset on this as it means he will not be able to meet me as we do every day. My husband and Daughter is fine with my shifting however my parents who are old are also apprehensive since I am the only child and do take care of them. My husband has assured to support them in absence of me and I have full confidence on him. All throughout my life I have focused on my professional career and have worked towards that and now when I got this opportunity I am emotionally unstable and unable to take the decision. My dilemma is surrounding various aspects. 1- Don’t want to leave my BF as he is my strength. 2- My parents are old and since I being the only child,they ae 3- If I could not perform in the new role then? 4- The daily hardship that I have to take over in a new place as my husband will not shift. 5- Remuneration wise not as such however if you say power then yes. Learning – knowledge enhancement and career upliftment - yes very much. 6- Current role will not grow much however stability as of now do exists. Can you help me to take the decision ?
Ans: Dear Nibedita,
What is important to you and what helps you grow professionally and personally must be looked at? Constraints are always going to play a role BUT working around it may help you make a decision. If professionally you are going to grow into the role and for this you need to work around things for the time being, then you must do just that. But in all this, do factor that you have a daughter who is still young and will need your presence a lot; physically and emotionally.
Now, how you work this with your BF is something that is between the two of you; but it's not power or money BUT how you grow in your new role.
Also, talk to your family and come to an arrangement whereby they also become your pillar of strength and support. You will then be able to come to a viable decision.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

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