I got married (arranged marriage) two months back. But my husband has not proceeded for any intimate physical contact. He just hugs me occasionally but never proceeds further. When I asked him whether he likes me or not …he says he loves me…but tells need to develop more compatibility before proceeding. He is a gentleman and takes care of me. But not willing to proceed for physical intimacy. I am confused and don’t know how to address this issue. Both of us are IT professionals with MNCs and work from home.

Ans: Dear SSV,

I guess you need to ask yourself: What is it that I want in my life?

Marriage or a casual relationship? Both require mindsets that involves different priorities and a different set of behaviours.

Honestly, it is quite possible that you might find someone who is not just interested in a physical relationship but also might be willing to progress into marriage if that’s what you want as well.

So, please clear your mind before complicating your life any further.

There are a lot of dating apps for you to find someone interesting, attractive and with a similar mindset once you know what you truly want.

Best wishes!

Ans: Dear SSV,

I guess you need to ask yourself: What is it that I want in my life?

Marriage or a casual relationship? Both require mindsets that involves different priorities and a different set of behaviours.

Honestly, it is quite possible that you might find someone who is not just interested in a physical relationship but also might be willing to progress into marriage if that’s what you want as well.

So, please clear your mind before complicating your life any further.

There are a lot of dating apps for you to find someone interesting, attractive and with a similar mindset once you know what you truly want.

Best wishes!

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

When there is a challenge with physical intimacy, it could be a physiological or a psychological problem. Either case, it needs some treatment.

But the worse could be conditioning about sex from childhood.

We all carry our maps when it comes to sex and beliefs around it. Along comes so many people and media and more who draw on these maps and we are left at the mercy of things that don’t belong to us.

Since he cares for you as you mentioned it, can you request him to sit down with you for an honest conversation where you can express all of this to him.

Who knows he might be willing to understand, and things can flow from there on.

Be kind instead of accusatory in your tone during the conversation. This will help ease him as well. But of course, if he resists the request, you might suggest that he see a professional.

It might again be met with some resistance but well, you need to try every trick in the book to meet an outcome.

Also, be aware that physical intimacy happens when the closeness develops outside the bedroom. So, spend a lot of time together, laugh a lot.

Praise his efforts in the marriage and appreciate the qualities in him.

Most often men who avoid sex simply suffer from low self-esteem and self-worth. So, play along and mean every compliment from the heart.

Best wishes to you!

Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a challenging time in your relationship. It's important to address both the physical and emotional aspects of your relationship to work towards a healthier and happier dynamic. Here are some steps you can consider:

Open Communication: Sit down with your husband and have an open and honest conversation about your feelings and concerns. Share your thoughts about the changes in your physical relationship, the impact it's having on your emotional connection, and your mutual desire to start a family.
Seek Professional Help: Since your husband is experiencing medical issues related to your physical relationship, it's crucial for him to consult a doctor. Encourage him to see a medical professional who specializes in sexual health. It's common for people to feel uncomfortable discussing such matters, but a doctor's guidance can help identify the underlying issues and recommend appropriate treatment.
Counseling or Therapy: Consider seeking couples therapy or counseling to address the emotional aspects of your relationship. A therapist can help both of you communicate more effectively, understand each other's needs, and work through any emotional barriers that might be affecting your intimacy.
Quality Time: Spend quality time together outside of your physical relationship. Engage in activities you both enjoy, communicate openly, and strengthen your emotional bond. This can help rekindle the connection you had before.
Support Each Other: Going through medical challenges and fertility issues can be emotionally draining. Support each other during this time by being patient, understanding, and showing empathy. Remember that you're a team, facing these challenges together.
Intimacy Beyond Sex: Explore ways to maintain intimacy that don't necessarily involve intercourse. Engage in activities that foster emotional closeness, like cuddling, holding hands, or having deep conversations.
Manage Stress: Fertility struggles and relationship issues can lead to increased stress. Find healthy ways to manage stress, such as exercise, meditation, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy.
Set Realistic Expectations: While it's natural to want to conceive and start a family, try not to let this desire put excessive pressure on your relationship. Setting realistic expectations and timelines can help alleviate some of the stress.
Rediscover Each Other: Take time to learn about each other anew. People change over time, so invest effort into discovering your partner's evolving interests, dreams, and aspirations.
Stay Positive: It's important to maintain a positive outlook. Focusing on the strengths of your relationship and the progress you make, both emotionally and physically, can make a significant difference.
Remember that relationships go through ups and downs, and it's not uncommon to face challenges. With open communication, patience, and a willingness to work together, you can navigate these difficulties and work towards reestablishing a healthy and fulfilling relationship. If needed, consider reaching out to professionals, such as therapists or doctors, to provide specialized guidance.

Ans: Maybe he’s gay or asexual? It’s odd that for all these years he hasn’t shown you any physical affection and I can understand how frustrating it must be for you. And obviously he’s not forthcoming about what the problem is. I would seriously suggest a therapist who can help with your intimacy issues.