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20 Years Married with No Physical Connection: Should I Fight for Divorce?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 02, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 31, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

i am married for 20 years and have a 13 year old daughter, there is no physical connection with my wife for the last 10 years. i have got into a relationship twice in last 8 years. the first one didn't go through. i am in my 2nd relation now which i want to take it ahead for the rest of my life. my wife knew my first relationship and she has a doubt about my 2nd relation. considering the non cooperation in house hold activities and marital responsibilities , i decided to call it quits and asked for divorce and she is adamant, not willing to give divorce saying that if she divorces me i will remarry and it should not happen as i should suffer as she so also suffering. my parents and her parents tried their level best to patch up, but in vain. i am staying alone separately from a year. what should be next step in trying for mutual consent for the divorce?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
This may sound a bit harsh and judgemental to you but if there was trouble in the marriage, was it not possible to actually have a conversation with your wife about it? After 2 relationships outside of marriage to escape the trouble, how did you assume that your wife is going to excited about the prospects of a divorce?
It's always better talking things through and agree mutually rather than go behind someone's back to get what you want.
The best option since you have mentioned divorce is to contact a lawyer and proceed as per their advice.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 01, 2023

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Hi Dr. Ashish, Good Afternoon, Iam 45 years old. I got married in 2010. My wife has ego and doesnt get adjusted to me and my family. I occured the experience after 2012 when my wife was 2 month pregnant. I was going to job, there was no peace of mind at all. From 2013 february we are not staying together. Her life is running as per her mother advice. We are having a communication very rarely. I had heard from her mother in law like impotent, not capable of doing anything. There are de-grading words always used and treated with no respect whenever i visited my wife house. My wife has communicated me verbally on January 2023, that she doesn't want the relationship to continue. She blocked me on whatsapp dated 03rd February 2023. I have one daughter aged 9 years. I am calling every week to get in touch with my daughter. The wife family not responding to the phones and my wife also. Request your sincere advice for permanent solution. Thanks & Regards, Deepak Shetty
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you're facing in your marriage and with your wife's family. It sounds like a challenging situation, but I'll try my best to offer some general advice.

Seek professional help: Considering the complexities of your situation, it might be helpful to seek professional guidance. Marriage counselors or therapists can provide a neutral space for both you and your wife to express your concerns and work towards finding a resolution.

Legal advice: If your attempts at communication and reconciliation have not been successful, it may be advisable to consult with a lawyer to understand your legal rights and options. They can guide you through the process and help you navigate any legal implications, especially regarding your relationship with your daughter.

Open communication: While it may be challenging, try to maintain open lines of communication with your wife. Clearly express your desire to work on the relationship and be involved in your daughter's life. Choose a calm and respectful approach when communicating, even if the response is not favorable.

Mediation: Consider involving a mediator to facilitate communication between you and your wife. A neutral third party can help create a constructive environment for dialogue and negotiation, increasing the chances of finding a mutually acceptable solution.

Patience and understanding: Dealing with relationship issues takes time and effort. It's important to remain patient, understanding, and willing to work towards a resolution. Focus on the best interests of your daughter and strive for an amicable co-parenting relationship, even if the marital relationship cannot be mended.

Focus on personal well-being: Take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally during this challenging time. Seek support from friends, family, or support groups. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you maintain a positive outlook.

Remember that every situation is unique, and the advice provided here may not fully address your specific circumstances. It's crucial to consult professionals who can provide personalized guidance based on a deeper understanding of your situation.

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |366 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 04, 2024

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I am married person since 2015. From last 2 to 3 years it is not working properly. Due to some following problems, 1. I am only one boy in my family. I don’t have any brother or sister. My father is also passed away, so there is need of child in my family because now I am at the age of 30. But my wife is not physically strong. There is always some health issue with her. 2. There is education gap too in between us. She is metric level education and I am engineer. Due to this we don’t have that much effective communication leads to conflicts in every situation. She never give respect to my mother and never do regular house works to and at the end of the day again conflicts arises between my mother and my wife. 3. I want to give divorce to her but unfortunately she is purposely not ready for that because she knows very well that she will never been happy in another house like my house. 4. Same problem when I discussed with her mother and father, they straight forward refuse to give divorce; they said, “if you have any problems or want to give divorce then go to those person who are responsible for marriage or who finalize your marriage”. Lastly, I am now at dead end and don’t know the solution of how to escape from this situation.
Ans: Dear Rajesh,
First and foremost, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and happiness, as well as that of any potential children involved. While divorce may seem like the only solution, it's also worth considering seeking professional help, such as marriage counseling or therapy, to try to address the issues in your relationship and explore potential avenues for improvement.

If communication is a significant challenge due to education and cultural differences, a therapist or counselor can help facilitate more effective communication and understanding between you and your wife. They can also provide guidance on how to navigate conflicts and differences in a constructive manner.

Additionally, it may be helpful to involve a neutral third party, such as a religious or community leader, to mediate discussions between you, your wife, and your respective families. They may be able to provide support and guidance in finding a resolution that is mutually acceptable and respects the well-being of all parties involved.

Ultimately, the decision to pursue divorce or to work on improving the relationship is a deeply personal one, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. It's important to take the time to carefully consider your options and seek support from trusted friends, family members, or professionals as needed.

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |366 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 29, 2024

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Hi I am 44 years old and divorced twice. I have married second time due to family pressure and emotionally, but the same has not been succeed because I was in love with my first spouse and our daughter. I have completed all legal formalities for the same and there is not any legal binding with anyone. I have one daughter who is 15 years old with my first spouse. After long time I realised that I am in love with my first spouse and my daughter. I never seen to my first spouse after divorce since 2009. But I used to go and meet my Daughter on her Birthday to wish with the permission of inlaws. They respect my Father and Sister. I got divorced from my first spouse due to my mistakes which have done unknowingly in 2008. I have written letter to my first spouse and my daughter to ask for sincere apology.Also they knows about my second marriage and divorce also. I am staying alone and my question is whether we will succeed if my first spouse will agree to reunite again with my daughter. Also need some tips to stay happily with them. I have never seen to my spouse after divorce but only mate to my daughter but still I love her. Also give Tips for how can I convince to my first spouse for reunite. My desire will fulfill if we reunite again. Need your advice . Thanks
Ans: Hello Mahendra,
I can sense the depth of your emotions and the genuine desire to reconnect with your first spouse and daughter. It's clear that you’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on your past and understanding where things went wrong. This self-awareness is a crucial first step towards any meaningful reconciliation.

Rebuilding a relationship after many years is a delicate process. It involves not only rekindling the love and connection you once shared but also addressing and healing the past wounds. Given that you haven't seen your first spouse since the divorce, it’s essential to approach this situation with patience, empathy, and a deep respect for her feelings and boundaries.

Start by opening a line of communication. A heartfelt letter or message can be a good way to express your thoughts and feelings without overwhelming her. Share your reflections on the past, your realizations about your mistakes, and how you’ve grown as a person. Let her know how much you value the possibility of reconnecting, not just for yourself but for your daughter’s sake as well.

When you write or speak to her, be prepared to listen as much as you talk. She may have her own perspectives and feelings about the past that need to be heard. Respect her space and her process; reconciliation is a journey that you both must navigate together, at a pace comfortable for both of you.

In your interactions with your daughter, continue to show her your love and commitment. Build on the moments you’ve shared and let her see the positive changes in you. Your consistent presence and genuine efforts will speak volumes.

If your spouse is open to it, consider suggesting professional support, like family counseling, to help navigate this complex process. It can provide a safe space to address old wounds and rebuild trust.

Remember, the path to reconciliation is rarely straightforward. It will require patience, understanding, and a willingness to work through the challenges together. By showing your commitment to change and your deep love for your family, you create the foundation for a potentially beautiful new chapter in your lives.

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Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6592 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 14, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi I am 46 years old, my current investment is -as the follows, 1.90 cr in bank FD, 10 lakh in mutual fund and stocks. 50 lakhs for child’s education 1 child in grade 10. I have a house worth 2 cr which I have given for rent 40k monthly .I do not want to work any more and plan to retire in the next 2 years in my other house in my village. Is it possible to retire by 50 years.
Ans: At 46, you have built up a solid base for retirement. Your current investments include Rs 1.9 crore in fixed deposits (FDs), Rs 10 lakh in mutual funds and stocks, and Rs 50 lakh set aside for your child’s education. Additionally, you own a house worth Rs 2 crore, generating a rent of Rs 40,000 per month. Retiring by 50 is a realistic goal, but careful planning is needed. Let’s break down how this can be achieved and sustained.

Monthly Expenses After Retirement
The first step to ensuring a successful retirement is to estimate your monthly expenses. Since you plan to retire in your village house, your living costs might be lower than in the city. However, it's important to account for:

Regular living expenses such as food, utilities, and transportation.
Medical and health care costs that might increase as you age.
Inflation, which will erode the value of your savings over time.
You should aim to create an emergency fund and a monthly income plan that covers at least your basic needs. Your rental income of Rs 40,000 will cover a part of this, but more sources of income will ensure financial stability.

Education Fund for Your Child
With Rs 50 lakh set aside for your child’s education, you are already in a strong position. However, as your child is currently in grade 10, higher education expenses could increase significantly over the next few years.

To maintain the growth of this fund, consider placing it in a combination of low-risk instruments like debt mutual funds. These funds are less volatile and offer better returns than traditional savings methods. This strategy ensures that the education corpus remains intact and grows moderately until it's needed.

Reassessing the Fixed Deposits (FDs)
You have Rs 1.9 crore in fixed deposits, which provides stability. While FDs offer guaranteed returns, the interest rates can be lower than inflation over time. Hence, relying too much on FDs could limit your long-term growth.

Since you are planning to retire within two years, it's essential to start shifting a portion of this money into balanced investment options. These can include mutual funds with a mix of debt and equity, which provide a balance of stability and growth.

This move can help you combat inflation and generate better long-term returns without too much risk.

Mutual Fund and Stock Investments
Your Rs 10 lakh investment in mutual funds and stocks is another important part of your portfolio. You could consider:

Increasing your exposure to mutual funds with a focus on equity, especially in growth funds. Over the next two to three years, these funds can potentially generate higher returns, enhancing your retirement corpus.

Actively managed funds can offer better results compared to index funds, as professional fund managers help navigate market volatility.

Avoid direct funds, as they require constant monitoring and may lack the guidance that comes with investing through a certified financial planner (CFP).

You can slowly phase out some of your FD savings and channel them into well-diversified mutual funds. This strategy will increase your overall return potential and give you more flexibility.

Rental Income and Sustainable Withdrawals
Your rental income of Rs 40,000 is a good source of passive income. Post-retirement, you will rely more on this money to meet your monthly expenses. But it is crucial to build a sustainable withdrawal strategy from your other investments as well.

Consider the following steps to ensure you have enough income post-retirement:

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): You can set up an SWP in your mutual funds to provide a regular stream of income. An SWP allows you to withdraw a fixed amount each month while letting your corpus continue to grow.

Diversification of sources: Along with your rental income, an SWP from your mutual funds, interest from fixed deposits, and dividends from your stock investments will help you maintain a steady cash flow.

Medical Insurance and Health Care Planning
One of the most important aspects of retiring early is securing your health care. Medical costs can take up a significant portion of your savings if not properly managed.

Ensure you have a comprehensive health insurance policy with adequate coverage. Additionally, consider a top-up health insurance plan to cover higher medical expenses that could arise in the future. This will protect your retirement corpus from being depleted due to medical emergencies.

Managing Inflation and Risk
Inflation can severely impact your retirement plans. The costs of goods, services, and medical care will rise over time. Therefore, your investments must grow faster than inflation to maintain your lifestyle.

To counter inflation, it’s advisable to:

Maintain a portion of your portfolio in equity. Equity investments historically offer higher returns compared to debt and fixed-income options. Over the long term, equities can help your corpus grow at a rate that outpaces inflation.

Diversify into debt funds to reduce risk while maintaining liquidity. A mix of equity and debt will help you stay safe from market volatility but still give you decent growth.

Risk Management in Retirement
Since you plan to retire at 50, it’s essential to preserve your capital while also growing it. The strategy of balancing risk and reward is crucial. You can:

Lower the risk in equity investments as you approach your retirement date. You could reduce your equity exposure gradually and shift to lower-risk investments like debt funds, which are more stable.

Avoid high-risk investments or speculative moves, especially when you are so close to retirement. Your focus should now be on wealth preservation with moderate growth.

Final Insights
Yes, retiring by 50 is possible, but it requires careful management of your assets and income sources. Here’s a summary of how you can achieve this:

Reassess your fixed deposits: Move a portion into mutual funds to increase returns while keeping a part for liquidity.

Increase your mutual fund investments: Actively managed funds can offer better long-term growth, especially when you are not working.

Leverage your rental income: Rs 40,000 monthly rental income will cover part of your expenses, but supplement it with SWPs from your mutual fund corpus.

Preserve the education fund: Invest in safer instruments to ensure the Rs 50 lakh remains secure and grows steadily.

Diversify and manage risk: A mix of equity and debt will give you growth and safety, and help fight inflation.

Health care planning: Ensure you have strong health insurance coverage to protect your retirement corpus from medical emergencies.

By taking these steps, you can retire at 50 with financial security and peace of mind.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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