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Married for 12 years, husband doesn't love me: Should I fight for him or let go?

Anu Krishna |1654 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 18, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by Phy on Sep 16, 2024Hindi

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I have been married for 12years . I married when I was 19. I have 2sons . My husband doesn’t love me and he had said to me many times .i even have doubt on him bcus he doesn’t come home to sleep 2 times in 2 weeks . Everyday I feel anxious and worried if he would not come bck . I have beg him many times to not sleep outside. Whenever he go out he never picks up my call even once. He is seeing a girl. For that we fought all the time . He asked for divorce many times but why can’t I u love him and leave him. I feel like I would die if I can’t be together with him.

Ans: Dear Phy,
If you have a spouse who has begun to ignore your pleas and request, what else can you do? Where is the respect that he must be giving you as a life partner?
Now, I also want you to ask yourself if your doubts are just figment of your imagination or are they based on facts? Have you seen any message on his phone or a call to anyone planning a meeting?
Yes, it's strange and suspicious I will agree that he stays out a few days every few weeks, but make sure of what exactly is happening. When you are sure that what you suspect is true, confront him with the support of your family members but not threaten him where he retracts from you completely.
And the bitter truth, if he has asked for divorce many times, maybe it's his way of saying that there is nothing more left in the marriage for him. It hurts you for sure, but what's the point of living with someone who cannot appreciate your presence and love?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu Krishna |1654 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2022

Question by RJ - Jun 24, 2022Hindi

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Hi Anu,I m 32 yr old girl and been married in arrange marriage with a guy he is also 32 it's been one year.He is very harsh to talk to and I get usually very hurt because of his words. I always feel like walking out of this marriage for peace. He is very unromantic and ungrateful. On top of this our views on marriage, togetherness and sex are very different. I never had sex with him till now. And I don't feel like having sex with him. There are many fights between us. The way his mother and father talk I feel stuck in my life.There is no progress in career because constantly we are under tensions. My past relationships were very nice and sweet so I always happened to compare him with my ex in my mind. I don't know what happens to me. When he comes close to me I stop talking breaths. We just cuddle each other and hug but other things like kiss and sex I don't feel to have. Please guide me as soon as possible.

Ans:

Dear RJ,

Is there any reason for not wanting to be sexually intimate?

Most often this is linked to some emotional distress or filters in the mind that you are unaware of and which could be interfering in the two of you coming closer together.

A good round of talks with your partner can help you express your exact feelings to him.

What is bothering you, what you feel you don’t receive from him, why is it that you are unable to reciprocate…these are a few things that you can discuss with him.

Also, spending quality time together can ease and spruce up things a bit.

Most often, we love throwing our feelings under the rug pretending that they will go away; but they don’t, they come back to haunt you at times that you least expect them to.

So, when you feel stuck, think of what you can do to get un-stuck? What are all things that you can think, feel and do to free yourself so that you not only feel good, but you also start to focus on things that matter; like for example your career.

Comparing one human to the another and expecting them to change and be someone else; could this be one of the reasons for you to not want the sexual intimacy?

Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage and it can bring the couple closer.

So rather than thinking of what is going wrong, focus on how you can make things work and enable your partner to join this journey of bringing back finer and joyful moments in a marriage.

Be happy!

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Anu Krishna |1654 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 20, 2021

Question by RG - Sep 20, 2021Hindi

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I have been in a relationship for 12 years when I married the man I love. It is now 6 years of marriage and we have a kid. When I was pregnant my husband was in a relationship with another woman. When my kid was 2.5 years old I came know about the relationship and I am destroyed. My husband asked me not to leave him and since I didn't get any support from my family I stayed. Now I am still not able to overcome the situation. I know he doesn't love me though he says he does. I don't know why I am with him, he is trying to maintain our relation but there is nothing like before. I don't feel the same way. I even don't know whether I still love him or not.

Ans: Dear RG, I am going to assume that you want the marriage to work and my suggestions below are based on this assumption.

It's time to get an independent person involved who will help in giving an impersonal view. This could be an elder member of the family or a Marriage Therapist.

What this person will help with is reevaluate your marriage, put things into perspective, clarify all your doubts.

Obviously, you have your doubts on whether he loves you or not after being cheated upon! But no amount of asking is going to convince you…that’s why it’s imperative for both of you involve a person who can guide you through this process of rebuilding your marriage in trust and love.

In the meantime, what I might suggest for you is: Remind yourself everyday as to why you married him and what he has brought forth to your life.

This helps you be in a sane space on a daily basis which also help you care for the toddler who needs a lot of care and love as well.

Spend time with friends that don’t just gossip and bad-mouth but can genuinely nourish you; you need this nourishment now.

Pick up a hobby and indulge in it; it helps not just distract you but also give you a ‘feel-good’ emotion and makes you have little moments of joy.

Of course, after you visit the expert, the choice of continuing in the marriage or not, rests with the two of you…choose wisely.

All the best!

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