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Married for 12 years, husband doesn't love me: Should I fight for him or let go?

Anu Krishna |1186 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 18, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by Phy on Sep 16, 2024Hindi

I have been married for 12years . I married when I was 19. I have 2sons . My husband doesn’t love me and he had said to me many times .i even have doubt on him bcus he doesn’t come home to sleep 2 times in 2 weeks . Everyday I feel anxious and worried if he would not come bck . I have beg him many times to not sleep outside. Whenever he go out he never picks up my call even once. He is seeing a girl. For that we fought all the time . He asked for divorce many times but why can’t I u love him and leave him. I feel like I would die if I can’t be together with him.

Ans: Dear Phy,
If you have a spouse who has begun to ignore your pleas and request, what else can you do? Where is the respect that he must be giving you as a life partner?
Now, I also want you to ask yourself if your doubts are just figment of your imagination or are they based on facts? Have you seen any message on his phone or a call to anyone planning a meeting?
Yes, it's strange and suspicious I will agree that he stays out a few days every few weeks, but make sure of what exactly is happening. When you are sure that what you suspect is true, confront him with the support of your family members but not threaten him where he retracts from you completely.
And the bitter truth, if he has asked for divorce many times, maybe it's his way of saying that there is nothing more left in the marriage for him. It hurts you for sure, but what's the point of living with someone who cannot appreciate your presence and love?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Question by RJ - Jun 24, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu,I m 32 yr old girl and been married in arrange marriage with a guy he is also 32 it's been one year.He is very harsh to talk to and I get usually very hurt because of his words. I always feel like walking out of this marriage for peace. He is very unromantic and ungrateful. On top of this our views on marriage, togetherness and sex are very different. I never had sex with him till now. And I don't feel like having sex with him. There are many fights between us. The way his mother and father talk I feel stuck in my life.There is no progress in career because constantly we are under tensions. My past relationships were very nice and sweet so I always happened to compare him with my ex in my mind. I don't know what happens to me. When he comes close to me I stop talking breaths. We just cuddle each other and hug but other things like kiss and sex I don't feel to have. Please guide me as soon as possible.

Ans:

Dear RJ,

Is there any reason for not wanting to be sexually intimate?

Most often this is linked to some emotional distress or filters in the mind that you are unaware of and which could be interfering in the two of you coming closer together.

A good round of talks with your partner can help you express your exact feelings to him.

What is bothering you, what you feel you don’t receive from him, why is it that you are unable to reciprocate…these are a few things that you can discuss with him.

Also, spending quality time together can ease and spruce up things a bit.

Most often, we love throwing our feelings under the rug pretending that they will go away; but they don’t, they come back to haunt you at times that you least expect them to.

So, when you feel stuck, think of what you can do to get un-stuck? What are all things that you can think, feel and do to free yourself so that you not only feel good, but you also start to focus on things that matter; like for example your career.

Comparing one human to the another and expecting them to change and be someone else; could this be one of the reasons for you to not want the sexual intimacy?

Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage and it can bring the couple closer.

So rather than thinking of what is going wrong, focus on how you can make things work and enable your partner to join this journey of bringing back finer and joyful moments in a marriage.

Be happy!

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Anu Krishna |1186 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 20, 2021

Question by Gatima - Sep 20, 2021Hindi

My name is Gatima, I’m 36 years old and a housewife. I’m married from past 10 years and it was a love marriage. I was bought up in metro cities like Delhi and Mumbai. I married to a guy from Goa and a shipy (merchant navy). I was working when I got married but I left immediately because I wanted to sail with my husband, initial years were good. I have one boy who is 5 now . We used to fight all d time but initially we used to understand each other and patch up fast , but from last one year our fights increased so much and we stop talking for even months. My husband has lots of complaints from me and always blames me for every fight. I’m feeling so guilty. I always curse myself and ask God why he made me so bad person. Whenever we fight, all other family members cut off communication with me. Although I am surrounded by so many I’m alone. I cry most of time but now my eyes have dried and there are no tears. I hate myself and my life. I cannot face the mirror for days bcoz I hate myself. I am living for my 5 year old son. But I’m very depressed and have PCOD . I don’t get sleep plus I get migraine attacks.

Ans: Dear GN, The past year has been different for different people; marriages have been rebuilt, new marriages have taken place, divorces have happened…relationships have gone through a huge transitions, in short.

Of course, not to undermine what you are experiencing right now!

Conflicts, arguments, debates are common in a marriage…but they can be worked upon as long as both of you want the same thing and want to stick around in the marriage.

What according to you has changed now when you say that things used to easily resolve earlier and now that doesn’t happen? What has caused this?

When you say, he complains and blames you, how does he do that? Does he actually say it aloud or are you interpreting it?

These questions get you closer to the truth of the matter at hand.

It takes two people to create a conflict, of course the phase of life or whatever the phase he is in, maybe he finds it convenient to blame you.

So why do play the role of the victim when you are not actually one?

And Yes, he may not be justified in what he is doing and throwing it all on you. But if simply being in this pool of misery has achieved anything, it has made you a victim…

If you want to feel better or change something about this situation, wake up NOW…do something, do anything; support or no support from anyone!

A small change in the way you perceive things and act for yourself can change your physical well-being as well.

PCOS/Migraine can be an indirect result of the anxiety and stress that you are carrying inside you.

Start focusing on what you are eating and if you are exercising enough…these can help a great deal in keeping PCOS/Migraine under control.

What you think is what you become…so keep your son also in mind and get yourself out of this misery or find an expert who can help you. You want this for yourself and your son, don’t you?

My best wishes are with you!

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Anu Krishna |1186 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 27, 2023