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Married man living separately after an altercation with wife and in-laws

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1418 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 26, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 21, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hi! I am married for last 12 years. I am living with my wife, child and in laws at a house allotted to her by the company where she works. When the child was 1 year old I had to ask for help from my in laws. Since then they have stayed with us. (Inlaws have a flat nearby which they have rented as they have some health issues and are not willing to move out ). My relationship with my wife and in laws is in a difficult situation. Wife manages a number of household issues in consultation with her parents. This has often irked me forcing a late return from work and not conversing much with the inlaws. The child also seems to be getting hold of the situation and often ignores me. Recently there was an altercation between me and my wife when she asked me to stay away from them. (She says it whenever we fight over any family matter). Now, I am staying away at a secluded place for the past few days and have not receiveda single call from anyone. I don't know how to deal with all this. Kindly guide.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Overstaying can lead to this. But how can you ask them to leave, right? They are you in-laws and they have been kind enough to help your wife when she needed it.
But, hey it was for a brief time and sadly neither your wife nor your in-laws have understood and they have begun to like to overstaying.
I think you and your wife need to talk this over where you express that its time the two of you took charge and managed the situation at home. As for your in-laws you can always thank them immensely and respectfully ask them to visit soon after a few months. It's a very strategic way of doing this as there are people involved with real raw emotions which in this case can become a huge mess.
But for this to happen, you and your wife need to be in perfect agreement otherwise, the whole thing could be turned against you where you will be looked upon as a villain. So, please express your concerns with your wife and make her understand that as a family the two of you and child need to have your space and privacy to bond and grow.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Sep 01, 2024 | Answered on Sep 02, 2024
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Extremely grateful for your reply. I have been trying to communicate to my inlaws about my unhappiness about the whole scenario (including their overstay) but never had the courage to talk to them directly on this matter. My fear is that they may say that I took advantage of them when I needed their help. Another issue is that my own parents live in the same city and are much older with their own set of medical issues. It's been a difficult task to strike a balance. Is there any other way out? Our marriage is also at stake as she has asked for a divorce a couple of times.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I still maintain what I suggested for you in-laws...use the strategy suggested and not directly asking them to leave. I am sure you know how you can do this.
As for your parents, if they are in the same city, you can always think of hiring some help to take care of them and visit them when you can and also have them visit you. Aging parents need emotional support and when they know that their children are around emotionally, that gives them a lot of strength.
Divorce is loose and unnecessary word. Kindly do not use it unless you really mean it. It can permanently damage the marriage. And even if you mean it, saying it in anger is disrespectful; having a conversation and asking for divorce is very respectful rather than using it as a threat.
Marriage is a two-way street. You respect and earn the respect of your spouse.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Sep 08, 2024 | Answered on Sep 08, 2024
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Thanks a lot! Trying to work on your advice. Will update.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I appreciate you getting back. It will be great to read an update from you soon...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 09, 2024 | Answered on Dec 10, 2024
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Hello ma'am! Just wanted to share the progress made so far in the discussed situation. As suggested I approached my wife for the need to ask the inlaws to move out but she refused. Unable to convince her I approached the relatives involved in fixing our marriage. They talked to the inlaws to convince them to move out. The process is still ongoing, though not sure about the ultimate outcome. Meanwhile I approached a marriage counsellor. We had a couple session in which I was asked to come home early to devote more time to the child. I agreed, however no such commitment came from my wife about changing her behavior and adding some respect to the relationship. Instead she insisted on getting a divorce. Let's see how things workout in the future. Thanks
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for the update. And I am glad that you are moving in a direction that seeks an outcome. Your attempts at least will go a long way to know that you are doing whatever you can to work on your marriage. You can only hope that your spouse will someday see it the same way as you and do what's required from her end to also make the marriage work.
Thank you for trying and not giving up...Wishing you the best for the future too.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 11, 2024 | Answered on Dec 11, 2024
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Thanks. Just have one query. Should I talk to the inlaws directly. I have never done it before thinking they might feel offended or if they disclose it to my wife things may get worse.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I have always advocated this fact: talk to people directly; it causes immediate pain but less misunderstandings later. So, yes, why should you not talk to them directly? Be polite but firm BUT also know that they may not take it the right way and things can spiral out of control. But at least you said what you had to right?
Your wife may also accuse you of spoiling things...but if it's your peace of mind, do what it takes; respectfully.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1418 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 08, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
My wife got posted in distant place 10 years back. I had to ask for help from my inlaws as our child was very young. They started to live with her. After 1 year she got transferred back to the place where I was living. She got a flat from the company and we started to live together. Since then my inlaws are also staying with us. They purchased another flat nearby but are not willing to move there. Now, the problem is that whenever me and my wife have a quarrel she just stops talking and starts to take decisions in consultation with my inlaws. I am completely out of the loop in these circumstances. Over the years my relationship with inlaws has gone sour and quarrels with wife have been lasting longer (upto 2 months). My inlaws are otherwise well behaved but their presence somehow is hindering the process of natural reconciliation between me and my spouse or I am perceiving the situation incorrectly. Please guide
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What you all have done is jumped impulsively into one situation, made it comfortable asking people to help and then jumped back into the original situation and not knowing how to ask the same people to stay away!
Your wife has to grow out of her parents being around and you have to understand that your in-laws have got used to stepping in while you were away.
It's about time that you and your wife had a mature conversation on how to manage your family yourselves and be responsible for raising your child. But do remember to deal with your in-laws carefully. After all, they gracefully kept their lives on hold to help your wife and your child. Without hurting their sentiments, you are going to have to convey to them that you are thankful for what they have done for you BUT now you would like to be there for your family. Initially, this will hurt them and your wife, but anymore of this game will pull you and wife away from one another. So, they do need to move out...
You are not cutting strings but simply loosening the grip it currently has which is unhealthy for your marriage. Hope that your wife also understands this which means she will put you to test and in her mind or vocally compare what you bring to the table and how her parents supported her. Bear with it and as the two of you work together in putting the family back together, she will eventually understand that this is for the best.

All the best!

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How to finish home loan faster
Ans: Paying off your home loan early while building wealth requires strategic planning. A parallel SIP in equity mutual funds can complement your goal by leveraging market growth over the long term. Here's a detailed approach:

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Coordinate your SIP maturity during this time to maximise loan repayment benefits.
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Claim tax deductions under Section 80C and Section 24(b) for home loan payments.
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8. Track Loan Tenure and SIP Performance
Regularly review your loan outstanding and SIP performance.
Align your repayment strategy with market conditions and financial goals.
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Stick to a budget that prioritises both EMI payments and SIP contributions.
10. Plan for Surplus Investments
Channel any bonuses, tax refunds, or additional income into either SIPs or loan prepayments.
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Final Insights
Starting a parallel SIP in equity funds while paying regular EMIs creates a structured pathway to close your home loan early. Over time, the compounded growth from your SIP can ease the financial burden of a lump sum loan prepayment. This balanced strategy ensures financial growth and reduced debt simultaneously.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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