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Married man living separately after an altercation with wife and in-laws

Anu Krishna |1418 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 26, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 21, 2024Hindi

Hi! I am married for last 12 years. I am living with my wife, child and in laws at a house allotted to her by the company where she works. When the child was 1 year old I had to ask for help from my in laws. Since then they have stayed with us. (Inlaws have a flat nearby which they have rented as they have some health issues and are not willing to move out ). My relationship with my wife and in laws is in a difficult situation. Wife manages a number of household issues in consultation with her parents. This has often irked me forcing a late return from work and not conversing much with the inlaws. The child also seems to be getting hold of the situation and often ignores me. Recently there was an altercation between me and my wife when she asked me to stay away from them. (She says it whenever we fight over any family matter). Now, I am staying away at a secluded place for the past few days and have not receiveda single call from anyone. I don't know how to deal with all this. Kindly guide.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Overstaying can lead to this. But how can you ask them to leave, right? They are you in-laws and they have been kind enough to help your wife when she needed it.
But, hey it was for a brief time and sadly neither your wife nor your in-laws have understood and they have begun to like to overstaying.
I think you and your wife need to talk this over where you express that its time the two of you took charge and managed the situation at home. As for your in-laws you can always thank them immensely and respectfully ask them to visit soon after a few months. It's a very strategic way of doing this as there are people involved with real raw emotions which in this case can become a huge mess.
But for this to happen, you and your wife need to be in perfect agreement otherwise, the whole thing could be turned against you where you will be looked upon as a villain. So, please express your concerns with your wife and make her understand that as a family the two of you and child need to have your space and privacy to bond and grow.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Asked on - Sep 01, 2024 | Answered on Sep 02, 2024

Extremely grateful for your reply. I have been trying to communicate to my inlaws about my unhappiness about the whole scenario (including their overstay) but never had the courage to talk to them directly on this matter. My fear is that they may say that I took advantage of them when I needed their help. Another issue is that my own parents live in the same city and are much older with their own set of medical issues. It's been a difficult task to strike a balance. Is there any other way out? Our marriage is also at stake as she has asked for a divorce a couple of times.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I still maintain what I suggested for you in-laws...use the strategy suggested and not directly asking them to leave. I am sure you know how you can do this.
As for your parents, if they are in the same city, you can always think of hiring some help to take care of them and visit them when you can and also have them visit you. Aging parents need emotional support and when they know that their children are around emotionally, that gives them a lot of strength.
Divorce is loose and unnecessary word. Kindly do not use it unless you really mean it. It can permanently damage the marriage. And even if you mean it, saying it in anger is disrespectful; having a conversation and asking for divorce is very respectful rather than using it as a threat.
Marriage is a two-way street. You respect and earn the respect of your spouse.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Asked on - Sep 08, 2024 | Answered on Sep 08, 2024

Thanks a lot! Trying to work on your advice. Will update.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I appreciate you getting back. It will be great to read an update from you soon...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Asked on - Dec 09, 2024 | Answered on Dec 10, 2024

Hello ma'am! Just wanted to share the progress made so far in the discussed situation. As suggested I approached my wife for the need to ask the inlaws to move out but she refused. Unable to convince her I approached the relatives involved in fixing our marriage. They talked to the inlaws to convince them to move out. The process is still ongoing, though not sure about the ultimate outcome. Meanwhile I approached a marriage counsellor. We had a couple session in which I was asked to come home early to devote more time to the child. I agreed, however no such commitment came from my wife about changing her behavior and adding some respect to the relationship. Instead she insisted on getting a divorce. Let's see how things workout in the future. Thanks

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for the update. And I am glad that you are moving in a direction that seeks an outcome. Your attempts at least will go a long way to know that you are doing whatever you can to work on your marriage. You can only hope that your spouse will someday see it the same way as you and do what's required from her end to also make the marriage work.
Thank you for trying and not giving up...Wishing you the best for the future too.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Asked on - Dec 11, 2024 | Answered on Dec 11, 2024

Thanks. Just have one query. Should I talk to the inlaws directly. I have never done it before thinking they might feel offended or if they disclose it to my wife things may get worse.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I have always advocated this fact: talk to people directly; it causes immediate pain but less misunderstandings later. So, yes, why should you not talk to them directly? Be polite but firm BUT also know that they may not take it the right way and things can spiral out of control. But at least you said what you had to right?
Your wife may also accuse you of spoiling things...but if it's your peace of mind, do what it takes; respectfully.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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