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Anu Krishna |1746 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 09, 2023

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 05, 2023Hindi

Hi Mam, My marriage has almost 8 years. My wife had always spy on me. because of that we had quarrels. Few year back when matter goes to my parents and her parents then her parents told that I should have some fault and women are sensitive to these things. They suggest wherever I go or meet any women in office or any other place. I should always inform her. I had done the same way and tried my best to improve our relationship and it reduces it to someway. Around 3 years back. I came to know that my mother in law had same issue(spying) with my father in law. After that I believe that may be wife has some hereditary problem and if my mother in law still spying even after 40 years of marriage then may be my wife will also spy on me whole life. Now when she spy on me or asked where I go or asked why I met any girl in office or any other place. I don't explain her and told that its not your fault its your parents fault. This brings our relationship worsen. We still together because of our 5 years old daughter. We tried with some counselor and psychiatrist. but nothing works. I think that problem is somehow I belief that my wife has some hereditary problem and I have fear in my mind that my wife will spy on me whole life and I have to live my whole life with that problem. Is it possible that I my fear can change and I go to stage(When I did not know that my mother in law has spying problem) or it can't be done and better I should go for divorce than leading this type of life where everyday we has quarrels.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Trust has completely broken down between the two of you...rebuilding it is going to take effort and also willingness...Spying rather than having a frank talk with you only shows that she does not trust you...
and spying is not a hereditary issue but a trait that is learned; a behaviour that is learned...so it can be un-learned easily...
Now the questions remains...do the two of you want to make this marriage work?
If No, then find ways to move on...
If Yes, then find ways to mend things...

Mending and re-building again is based on trust and trust in turn helps you re-build...
So, it is imperative that the two of you seek counsel from an expert. It might not have worked on previous occasions which maybe because both of you did not want it or you had thought that a stranger cannot help. Whatever the reason may have been, the first thing is: that the two of you sit down and agree that external professional help you put back your marriage together...Once this commitment is made, please find someone who is reliable and also has years of experience in helping couples with their relationships challenges.
Then trust the professional and their process and be very diligent in all the 'homework' that is given.

Give this process a fair chance and see where it leads the two of you...But do go through this with a serious commitment...

All the best!

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Love Guru | Answer |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 13, 2022

Question by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2022Hindi

Dear Love Guru, My wife and I are in an arranged marriage since around 15 years and there is nothing that we celebrate about our relationship, except kids which are the only reason for our existing relations. I am working abroad and have visits for a month on vacation after every couple of months. After marriage, I noticed my wife’s flirting behaviour with strange men (to seduce) during many occasions but initially ignored it. However, I found it frustrating when I felt her to be habitual flirter. I then spoke to her, which was after around 2.5 years of our marriage, and she denied the matter. Soon noticing such perpetual habits about her, we went on for non-talking terms some time and then a storm broke out in our house. My parents and her parents supported her, since I couldn’t prove any of her behaviour. She has been lying since her behaviour was noticed and even after that, but my love for her and my child (at that time) made me feel that probably that I need to avoid any suspicious behaviour. Such storm was repeated even recently few years earlier. I had thought my idea of a second child would improve our relations, but it hasn’t helped. I could still notice her flirting behaviour with strangers and even with known personnel including my relatives. I even believe her to be in relationship with one of my cousins, based on my observations of their behaviour during our every meet, which I cannot speak of due to my previous experience and which will otherwise definitely terminate our relations. Actually, we are never on good terms these days whenever I visit home and mostly converse only if required. We are also not good in bed and I have also been feeling a low erectile in bed these days. These moments have affected me psychologically and I feel very negative about our relationship. My family remains my priority and I have been trying to see that we all are all happy as a family. I have even sacrificed my own family time for better earnings so that my family can get all the best in life. She takes good care of the children and manages the house nicely. I also ensure that we, as a family, go out on long journeys for travel and my children are everything for me. I have trying to cope up with all this by focusing on work and socialising with friends to the best extent possible. However, her behaviour (in spite of my presence) makes me feel negative. How can I deal with the matter since any re-attempt on my part to speak on the same matter, even if cordially, with my wife will create another storm like earlier? I wish to sort out the differences and need your advice. Should we meet a counsellor separately on this to sort out the matter? Keep me anonymous and respect my privacy.

Ans:

You’ve been sweeping the same issues your marriage has faced from the very beginning under the carpet for 15 years. Why?

And instead of addressing the issues, you decided to go ahead and have a second child?

Having a child is a joy in itself, but it is never the solution to marital woes; in fact, in most cases it only exacerbates the problem.

From everything you’ve told me, you seem to come across as an insecure husband.

I’m not saying that what you’ve told me is untrue, but you keep suspecting your wife of flirting with random men and have no proof of it.

Both sides of the family support her and let me tell you, unless she is a master of deception, no one can conceal their true nature so well from everyone else for the better part of two decades.

Maybe what you construe as flirting is simply her being friendly? Maybe you’re just not comfortable with the manner in which she interacts with other men?

Have you ever managed to prove her inappropriate relations? And when you accuse her, she blows up at you... a guilty party would not react in so volatile a manner.

I do think marital counselling is in order. And yes, maybe separately at first and then together.

Contact a good therapist and do it sooner rather than later... 15 years has been long enough!

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