Trapped in a loveless marriage and worried about my daughter's future:

Ans: Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty. It’s clear that you’ve put immense effort and sacrifice into your marriage, often compromising your own needs to meet the expectations placed upon you. However, the situation you are in is both emotionally complex and mentally exhausting. Let’s carefully explore the dynamics and steps you can take.

Key Themes in Your Situation
Emotional Sacrifices vs. Trust Issues:
You’ve made significant sacrifices—distancing yourself from friends and family, adjusting to a different lifestyle, and even tolerating past mistreatment. Yet, your husband’s lack of trust and persistent suspicion continue to dominate the relationship.

Past Trauma with His Father:
The physical violence and controlling behavior from your father-in-law have left deep scars. Even though you’re willing to let him live with you again, your husband’s unusual request for a confidential divorce signals that he prioritizes his own fear of legal repercussions over building trust and stability with you.

Lack of Reciprocity:
While you share your financial plans and contribute to the household both emotionally and financially, your husband appears to withhold significant parts of his life from you. This lack of mutual transparency creates an imbalance.

Communication and Conflict:
Despite your efforts to manage conflicts through discussions and introspection, the cyclical nature of fights suggests that deeper issues—such as trust, control, and insecurity—remain unresolved.

Your Inner Conflict:
You feel torn between your empathy for his loneliness and your need to protect your mental health and autonomy. This inner struggle is a testament to your strength and compassion but also highlights the toll this relationship has taken on you.

Questions to Reflect On
What Do You Want from This Relationship?
Is this marriage providing you with emotional security, mutual respect, and a sense of partnership? Or is it mainly a source of stress and self-doubt?

Is the Current Dynamic Sustainable?
Considering the repeated conflicts, unresolved trust issues, and the request for a confidential divorce, ask yourself whether continuing in this relationship aligns with your personal growth and mental well-being.

What Do You Value Most?
Do you prioritize staying in this marriage to support your husband and his father, or do you feel the need to reclaim your independence and peace of mind?

Recommendations
Seek Clarity about the Divorce Proposal:
Have an open and honest conversation with your husband about his request for a divorce while staying together. Ask him:

“What do you believe this arrangement will solve? How do you see it benefiting both of us?”
This can help you understand his perspective and decide if it aligns with your values and goals.
Set Clear Boundaries:
If his father moves in, establish clear rules about behavior and communication. Ensure that your husband fully supports and enforces these boundaries to prevent any repeat of past violence.

Evaluate the Trust Issue:
Trust is the foundation of any relationship. If your husband continues to doubt your professional interactions or friendships despite your transparency, consider whether this suspicion is something you can work through together or if it’s an inherent barrier.

Seek Professional Mediation:
Consider involving a counselor or mediator to help you both communicate more effectively. A neutral third party can help address unresolved issues, including trust, respect, and shared responsibilities.

Prioritize Your Well-Being:
You’ve been handling multiple responsibilities—work, studies, household chores, and emotional compromises. It’s essential to focus on your mental health. Taking time for self-care isn’t selfish; it’s necessary to make sound decisions.

Plan for Independence:
Whether you choose to stay or leave, ensure you have a solid plan for your financial and emotional independence. Keep your career and savings intact and consider leaning on trusted friends or family for support.

A Gentle Reminder
A relationship is meant to nurture, support, and inspire both partners. If it consistently drains you or leaves you questioning your worth, it’s worth reconsidering its place in your life. Empathy for your husband and his situation is admirable, but it should not come at the cost of your own peace and happiness.

Take time to reflect deeply. Whether you decide to stay and work on this relationship or move forward on your own, the choice should align with your core values and long-term well-being.

If you’d like to discuss further or need help navigating this situation, I am here to guide you.

Warm regards,
Ashish Sehgal

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It may seem cruel, but by actually maintaining some space between you and your husband, it is possible that he starts to mend his ways.
Use this time away from him to set your career and financial independence.
Whenever your husband comes over, make sure you set a boundary that tells him that he needs to change if he wishes to get back into the marriage.
He may not be willing to go into therapy, but he will need to as the root cause of his anger and self-esteem issues that are aggravating the situation will need to be sorted out. Also, a few sessions with both of you together will help you understand what exactly is going on in his mind and then you two can start working as a unit.
Be patient and use this time away wisely; ultimately you will have to take a call on when to do and what to do based on how things move around...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Why should you bear the responsibilities all by yourself?
Legal separation has not happened and he is still responsible towards your daughter who is his daughter as well. If nothing has come out of therapy, then the responsibility to change and work on the marriage has not been a strong need.
Have an honest conversation with your husband on this; leaving home with no clarity for anyone is not a very nice thing to do...
Let him state his side of the story as to what he intends to do in the future with the marriage and maintenance of the child. If he refuses to offer support, legal recourse might be your only option.
But before doing anything, a frank chat with him is necessary. Know what's on his mind and do understand that your daughter is eligible to support financially from her father. So, don't go through with all this alone.
Do make an attempt to put things back together and then opt for other choices...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
This is really sad. It would have been mature of him to say things to your face instead of running away. Anyway, you are faced with a situation where you are going to need solid legal advice.
So, do just that and find a lawyer who can smartly deal with the issues on how to protect your daughter's interests. As for you, this being such a shocker is going to make you lose faith in a marriage. But remember things could have gotten worse...his true colors came in through this way...he could have very well cheated on you while living with you as well. This is not to justify what he's done of course but for you to find peace within you somehow.
But, before taking this serious step, I would encourage you to speak with him. Let him make an effort to come down meet you and at that time do ask him if he really wants divorce. Also, by then you will also have to make up your mind that in case he apologizes, if you want to forgive him and move on...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Clearly the in-laws interfering isn't helping at all. I hope they understand that their presence is causing issues in their daughter's marriage. Why don't you and your wife take a break away from all of this? At times, interference can become very overbearing and it's difficult to have an independent view of the marriage. Your wife needs to experience marriage without her parents being around...And on this break, talk about the future and how you will like the marriage to be. And also hear her out speak aloud...it's possible she's carrying a lot of weight about things...expressing these might help soften her stance a bit...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/