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Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2021

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Anonymous Question by Anonymous on Dec 21, 2021Hindi
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Relationship

Hi.
I am a 40-year-old male and my wife is 36 years. We have two kids.
Our marriage is normal like mostly couples.
I like to try and experience different things for which my wife is not ready. She is always happy in the normal, lazy sex life.
She never tries to initiate things or perform well in sex. She just doesn’t cooperate.
It has been 11 years since we got married and I have tried to convince her plenty of times for some extra fun but she always refused.
She is beautiful but doesn’t like to wear sexy or modern clothes. That’s why I started looking out of the box for satisfying myself.
Is there any other thing I can do?

Ans:

What do you mean by ‘looking out of the box’? I have news for you, buddy -- marriage is a box and you’re inside it!

I can understand your frustration, but it’s not like your wife is refusing you sex and you need to look for it elsewhere. I suspect that she’s refusing to cooperate because it seems unnatural to her and there’s some moral dilemma attached to her manner of thinking.

The first thing you need to do is help her remove the stigma she attaches to being sexually adventurous.

Explain that all normal couples experiment in the bedroom and that as long as it’s consensual, what the two of you do to each other behind closed doors is not for anyone to judge.

Maybe a sex therapist could better able to explain to her that giving in to some of your suggestions and fantasies is normal and not some depraved act that she should be embarrassed about.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1410 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 05, 2022

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Hi Anu, We have been married for close to 8 years (2014). Had our first princess in 2015 and second princess in 2019. Before having the second one, my wife had a very good sex drive both mentally and physically.We were having intercourse for at least 3 times a week. But over a period of 3 years after our second child being born, my wife has lost interest. Sex has been like may be once in 30 to 45 days. I am not forcing her but rather trying my best to have those intimate moments like hugging tightly, kissing her, do a little bit of smooching, try to touch and kiss on sensitive areas like belly, feet, ear. But nothing is working and this desperateness is killing me inside. I need your advice on this. How do I ensure that my urge is satisfied? In what way do I engage my wife to have intimate moments and intercourse? This however should not come at the cost of hurting or pressurising her for my needs.
Ans:

Dear CM,

This is a common challenge that many couples I work with face.

Babies take away their freedom to become intimate and this causes a lot of tension between them.

So let’s break it down for you, yeah?

Your wife right now isn’t the same woman she was before.

Being a mom, and a full-time one at that, is a huge job. A seven year old and a three year old at home can only mean full-time attention to them and little time for herself. When a woman is focused on her role as a mom, she invariably forgets who she is or how she looks; her job as the primary caregiver is all that she knows and does.

She is invariably tired and will think about rest, not action, in the bedroom. This is something that I want you to understand. Be more empathetic towards this; maybe you already are!

Now, what you do for her outside of the bedroom will define what happens within the bedroom. So,
- When was the last time you complimented her on her good looks?
- When was the last time you offered to care for the children so that she could step out with her friends and have a good time?
- When was the last time you took her out for absolutely no reason and made her feel good about herself?
- When was the last time you volunteered to cook and take care of the home while she simply sits and relaxes?

Motherhood can be very challenging, especially when the children are young.

Maybe you have tried all this and I am not about to push you back and not consider your side of the story.

But hey, she’s the one who has carried the babies, so it’s natural she is going to be around them.

Do sit down together after the children are asleep and watch a movie.

Do ask the extended family to babysit the children while the two of you spend a day doing things that you did before the babies came along.

Be aware that as you focus on yourself and your pleasures, you might forget that she is missing them too and that, at this point, you can help her feel like a ‘woman’ again.

It takes two to tango. Nothing can be one-sided. It will only end up becoming a selfish act which I am sure you are aware of. Try what I have suggested and let me know.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1410 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 21, 2023

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Anu Krishna  |1410 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Dear Sir, I am 52 and my wife is 43. I have a ver strong sex drive and urge however my wife doesnt like it at all. Through we still have almost daily once (sometimes twice) sex. She is not at all interested in sex and seems she does not like it because of no foreplay / heavy weight (she is 80kg). I dont like to do it forcefully but have no choice as I cannot go outside or have extra marital affairs. How can I increase her interest?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Sexual compatibility between couples if often a miracle. So, if there is a clear mismatch, there is also clearly a reason behind it. You stated it yourself: Lack of foreplay and your wife being overweight. So, take care of the foreplay part...what stops you from indulging in active foreplay that will get her going? There is no need to jump into the act and then complain about her not being interested in sex.
- Instead change course and pay attention to foreplay.
- Also, indulge in a lot of non-sexual forms of intimacy like cuddling, hugging etc that helps her connect with you at an emotional level and this could give way to the act.
- Pay her compliments and every once in a while surprise her with little gifts. It validates her presence and importance within the marriage.
The point that I am making is: shift focus on non-sexual intimacy first before jumping into the 'sex' part. You will see that, that bonding helps sexual compatibility.

The other part on her being overweight could also be a challenge as it can affect the way she perceives herself besides ill-health that can impact sex life greatly. Gently coax her into working out/exercising everyday with a good nutrition plan which will go a long way in not just physical fitness but an overall well-being in all areas of life. If it helps, the two of you can look at this together and make 'couple goals' to fitness and compatibility. It can keep both of you motivated and also encourage a good bond as well.

And oh! Please do not count the number of times you actually have sex. There's no competition and no medals awarded...Please bond better first...

All the best!

..Read more

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I AM HAVING UMBLICAL HERNEA PROBLEM.DOCOTR SUGGESTED ME TO BRING DOWN MY WEIGHT AND REDUCE FATTY BELLY BEFORE SURGERY.HE SUGGESTED ME TO WAIT FOR SURGERY TILL MY WEIGHT COMES DOWN FROM 92 KGS TO A REASONABLE LEVEL.PLEASE SUGGST ME WHAT EXERCISES i CAN DO TO ELIMINATE THE FAR BELLY WITHOUT DETERIORATING MY UMBLICAL HERNEA PROBLEM.PLEASE SUGGEST ME EXERCISES TO BRING DOWN MY BELLY. THANKS AND REGARDS. NVRSRINIVAS
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Asked by Anonymous - Oct 22, 2024Hindi
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I have lost money around 8 lakhs in gambling now i want to restart my life fresh i need to settle my debts and loan with bank and NBFCs is it possible to settle money at 70 percent waived off
Ans: Restarting your life after financial setbacks is possible with a disciplined approach. Settling your debts with banks and NBFCs requires a strategic plan, negotiation, and commitment. Here's a 360-degree approach to help you resolve your situation:

Assess Your Current Financial Position
List All Debts: Create a detailed list of all outstanding loans and debts, including principal, interest, and penalties.

Identify Income Sources: Calculate your monthly income and any other sources of funds.

Evaluate Essential Expenses: Identify non-negotiable expenses such as rent, food, utilities, and transport.

Determine Negotiable Debts: Focus on debts with higher interest rates or legal implications.

Negotiating with Lenders
Possibility of Settling at 70% Waiver
Banks and NBFCs Are Open to Negotiation: They prefer recovering some amount rather than declaring a loan as non-performing.

Settlement Terms Vary: Each lender may have unique policies. Some might agree to 70% waiver, but others may not.

Present Your Case Transparently: Show proof of your financial hardship. Explain your inability to pay in full.

Request a One-Time Settlement (OTS): Offer to pay a lump sum of the waived-off amount to close the debt.

Steps to Negotiate Effectively
Reach Out to the Right Department: Contact the collections or recovery department of your lender.

Seek Professional Help: A certified financial planner or debt resolution expert can negotiate on your behalf.

Prepare a Settlement Plan: Propose a realistic amount you can pay. Mention the sources for this payment.

Ask for Written Confirmation: Ensure the lender provides a formal agreement on the waived-off amount.

Negotiate for Reduced Interest and Penalties: Request removal of penalties and reduction of interest rates.

Managing Your Financial Obligations
Repayment Strategy
Prioritise High-Interest Loans: Focus on clearing loans with higher interest rates first.

Consolidate Debts: Consider consolidating multiple loans into one with a lower interest rate.

Use Liquid Assets Wisely: If you have savings or assets, use them to reduce your debt burden.

Building a Fresh Financial Foundation
Avoid Gambling and High-Risk Activities
Adopt Healthy Habits: Seek professional help if gambling is an addiction. Join support groups like Gamblers Anonymous.

Focus on Financial Literacy: Learn to manage your money effectively through courses or books.

Create a Budget and Emergency Fund
Track Income and Expenses: Use apps or spreadsheets to monitor your financial activity.

Save for Emergencies: Set aside 3–6 months of expenses as a safety net.

Restart Investments Gradually
Start with SIPs: Begin investing small amounts in mutual funds. Avoid direct stock trading initially.

Build a Retirement Corpus: Plan for long-term financial security systematically.

Final Insights
Rebuilding your life after a financial setback takes effort but is achievable. Focus on negotiating your debts transparently and settling them systematically. Learn from past mistakes and adopt disciplined financial habits. Restart your journey with renewed confidence and a commitment to avoid risky behaviours. Seek professional guidance when needed to make informed decisions.

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K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
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