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Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 20, 2021

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more

Question by K on Oct 20, 2021Hindi

Dear Love Guru,
I have a good husband but we barely have sex.
His excuse always is that he is tired.
I do everything he wants so he comfortable
I have tried the things said in the magazines. I dress nicely, even sexily, but he is not interested. We have sex for the sake of it once a month.
Though he is a good man, I am very unhappy. It is too embarrassing to talk to the family and friends about this.
K

Ans:

Dear K,

I can understand you being too embarrassed to talk to family or friends about this problem, but you could try speaking to your husband about it directly instead?

Be frank about how your sex life is leaving you unfulfilled and disappointed.

If there is a physical issue, you could both visit a medical expert and then a marriage counsellor if there’s a psychological problem.

For your part, you need to realise that, in a long-term relationship, the frequency of sex does reduce over time.

It can’t always be forced, although I do understand that once in a month is leaving you frustrated with the lack of attention from your husband.

The key to a good sex life is good communication. You have to be honest about how you feel.

Also, I don’t understand the ‘for the sake of it’ part you’ve put in there -- that one time every few weeks, is it he who initiates it or is he only doing so to satisfy you? That information may hold a clue as to why your sex life is on the down low.

It could be simply that his drive doesn’t match yours, in which case you both need to compromise and maybe give in to each other from time to time. Say, once every two weeks to start with?

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Anu Krishna |1318 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 23, 2022

Question by Anonymous - Nov 23, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, plz helpI am 42 years old and married since 9 years. We (husband and I) are childless. It's nine years since our marriage but we have not been intimate for even 90 times. My husband has no interest in sex. He had shown interest only in first week of marriage after that He never initiate. I understand his nature and always try to initiate but he always gives cold shoulder, he never reciprocates warmly, never holds me tightly or kisses willing. I always have to force' him or ask him to kiss or hug me. And this turns my mood off. This way we seldom have sex. I eagerly want it at least once a month and have told him, forced him several times but all in vain. I get frustrated. I feel restless. I can't share this with anyone. Whenever I try to get close, he ignores. Both of us respect and love each other. We don’t have extra marital affair. He cares for me too. I feel like running away from this situation but I love him and don’t want to leave him alone. Please respond.

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

When there is a challenge with physical intimacy, it could be a physiological or a psychological problem. Either case, it needs some treatment.

But the worse could be conditioning about sex from childhood.

We all carry our maps when it comes to sex and beliefs around it. Along comes so many people and media and more who draw on these maps and we are left at the mercy of things that don’t belong to us.

Since he cares for you as you mentioned it, can you request him to sit down with you for an honest conversation where you can express all of this to him.

Who knows he might be willing to understand, and things can flow from there on.

Be kind instead of accusatory in your tone during the conversation. This will help ease him as well. But of course, if he resists the request, you might suggest that he see a professional.

It might again be met with some resistance but well, you need to try every trick in the book to meet an outcome.

Also, be aware that physical intimacy happens when the closeness develops outside the bedroom. So, spend a lot of time together, laugh a lot.

Praise his efforts in the marriage and appreciate the qualities in him.

Most often men who avoid sex simply suffer from low self-esteem and self-worth. So, play along and mean every compliment from the heart.

Best wishes to you!

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