Me and my long distance boyfriend has been together for 9 years. We been together through toughest of time and been there for each other no matter what. We have been planning our future together for years ans had all plans to start our life together. Things were little tough when he moved abroad for studies 2.5 years ago but we kept putting our best efforts to be together, spend time and communicate. For past 6 months we’ve been fighting a lot, mainly because he kept asking me to come visit him. To solidify things more we started telling our parents about us and our plans. But recently he came to India for few weeks and while going through his phone for something, I found out he has been cheating on me for few months with someone I thought was his friend over there. Though I'm extremely hurt and feel betrayed, I’m unable to let go of him and of the thought that may be if we put in work, we can recover and come out stronger. But I’m just too emotional to know if I should take that risk of even considering a “maybe” for me and him. Needless to say I still love him a lot because I can’t switch off the feeling suddenly. I can’t get the chats and image of him being with someone for months out of my head. He keeps telling me she means nothing and it was out of loneliness but I don’t have the heart to believe anything he says. I just wanted to know if there is anything that can be done before giving up.

Ans:

Dear SK,

So, you want to marry a man who cheats, hides his escapades, and disrespects you?

What kind of life do you think you are going to have with a man who has no respect for women and sleeps with women to gain his self-esteem?

Talking about how you can be a saviour, only makes you a victim, so that you are constantly under his control.

It’s possible that you haven’t been able to see his intentions and that you have reached out to me.

Listen, you have a beautiful life ahead, so not waste it on a man who thinks of nothing and only himself.

Your friend also was able to sell you out so easily only suggest that this man is some sort of a charmer and women easily fall into his trap.

Beware, kindly step up first and respect and honour yourself.

Learn to Love yourself else you will keep falling into the same trap of falling for such men who have nothing to do with women other than use them.

Step out NOW and no explanations required…You are not obligated to give him any.

He will behave like a victim and place you on a pedestal so that you go back to him, STAND your GROUND…Love is pure and this cannot be your first or last love….selfishness cannot be love.

There are more beautiful relationships waiting to embrace you only if you first move on from this toxic relationship, love yourself and use your strength appropriately.

You can do this…be an example for all those girls who choose to celebrate men who are toxic to them. Be a source of strength to all of them.

Ans:

Dear S,

Your letter is very confusing to me.

I hope your post is genuine and not just to have fun…despite that I will consider it real and try to suggest what I can though I find your facts very contradictory.

Keeping the age factor aside, what I can say is: if someone does not treat you well, what’s the point waiting for that person?

If he isn’t interested in you, why are you chasing him?

Please make your world better by being around people who respect and value you and watch how beautiful it all becomes rather than searching and begging for love. He clearly isn’t into you anymore. So, move on…

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am very sorry to hear this. I understand that these are challenging times and kudos to you for taking necessary steps such as seeking the help of a counselor to take care of your mind. Now coming to your question- it's essential to reflect on whether you genuinely wish to continue a relationship with a partner who not only lacks respect for you and your marriage but also shows no remorse for their actions. If you're inclined to give this relationship a second chance, you need to set ground rules. Seeking the guidance of a marriage counselor can help address the issues that have surfaced over the past couple of years, working together to mend the broken aspects and build a stronger future. But if you do not want to continue, if you want to give up, if you think your partner does not deserve these efforts, it is okay. Do not feel guilty for choosing self-respect and sanity over your marriage.

I cannot directly ask you to give up, but I will encourage you to reflect on what would truly be best for you, not for your husband or society. You.

Best Wishes!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

It sounds like you are going through a rough time and I am sorry for it. Here's a thought and I am sure you have thought of it too, try to see things from his perspective. While you know that you never cheated nor meant to, it is important to acknowledge that your boyfriend's feelings are valid. He is feeling betrayed and that's a fact. Now, our goal should be to fix this issue. How do we do it? Communication is the only way. Tell him that you understand his perspective but it is important that he sees yours too. If he wants to vent, listen to him. Do not interrupt or become defensive. Understand whatever he says is coming from his insecurity. I know it's difficult not to take it personally, but his statements will be a reflection of his feelings and not your character. Remember this during the conversation. Once he is done speaking, reassure him that you had no intention of cheating. You can also reassure him of your commitment. Promise to be more transparent and point out that you were honest with him from the beginning. If you had any intention to cheat, you could have easily not shared with him your past. But you did and that shows that you are committed to this relationship. Tell him that you understand the need for boundaries and it is not okay to be in touch with people who make your partner uncomfortable.

Look, rebuilding trust needs work and it also takes time. Both of you need to work on it. You will have to work on making him trust you and he will have to work on letting go of his misconception (which might be his reality) and trust you wholly again. Relationships don't work till two people trust each other completely. If he continues to say that he can't trust you again, it might be best to reconsider this relationship. Even though your words hurt him, you did not cheat on him in reality. Why should you have to live in fear that he will cheat on you merely to take revenge?

After you put in all the effort, see where it goes. If things do not get better, rethinking the relationship would be best. Everyone deserves someone who can trust and be trusted.

Best Wishes.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that infidelity is intolerable in a relationship and you are completely right to be mad at him. I can't tell you whether to break up or not, but I can assure you that you are not at fault here. If he tries to put the blame on you, do not let him. That would clearly be gaslighting.
Next, if you think you cannot trust him again or you are always going to wonder if he is cheating on you again or going out with others without your knowledge, I'd suggest you rethink the relationship. Do not rush to break up, but do not rush to forgive and forget either; the least he can give you is some time.

Best Wishes.