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Should I marry him? I'm worried about his traditional joint family after living in a nuclear setup

Kanchan Rai |444 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 17, 2024Hindi

LI have a boyfriend of almost 3 years. We have been in a loving relationship. My boyfriend lives in a joint family set up while I have lived almost my whole life in a nuclear family. My family has always been very open minded whereas his family is a traditional Indian jount family. Over this period I have met his family twice or thrice for not more than 2 hours or so. Same is the case with my boyfriend His side of the family seemed to be decent overall. Since, we are planning to get married, me and my boyfriend decided to introduce our families with each other. On doing so, my parents found multiple points of differences in their culture and ours. They even warned me if I will be able to survive in this family and I feel that my family is 100 per cent right about this. Although, they approved of my boyfriend but not his family. Should I marry him?

Ans: It’s great that you and your boyfriend have a loving relationship and are thinking about the future. However, the concerns raised by your parents about the differences in family setups are valid, especially since they can play a big role in your day-to-day life after marriage.

Before making any decision, have an open conversation with your boyfriend about what life will be like in a joint family. Discuss expectations, privacy, and how involved his family will be in your marriage. It's also important to reflect on how flexible you both are when it comes to navigating these differences. While love is crucial, adapting to different family dynamics can impact your happiness long-term.

Ultimately, the question is whether both of you can work together to balance your individual expectations while maintaining harmony with his family. If you feel confident in your ability to communicate and compromise, and that he will support you through this, it could work. However, if you foresee these cultural differences causing too much strain, it’s important to weigh that carefully before moving forward.

Asked on - Nov 26, 2024 | Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Hello Ma'am, I sincerely thank you for giving your valuable suggestions towards my scenario. I am here to tell you about a similar incident that happened with me again, just two days ago. This is a long story. After our first meeting with each other’s families, I discussed things openly with my boyfriend regarding our life in his joint family.He told me there are no restrictions as such and there will be almost no issues regarding privacy. I discussed the same thing with my parents and it somehow convinced them. My parents later on agreed for the marriage and invited his parents to my house to plan the engagement and wedding. However, when my parents met his parents again for the second time, they raised the similar concern regarding the major differences in their set of values and ours. I can give two prime examples - Example 1 - I was raised in a not so traditional, nuclear family and I never cooked a whole meal for a large group of people till date. Mine and my family's only focus was on academics and securing a good job. Whereas, the prime discussion of my boyfriend's family was to teach me how to cook and that too for an entire joint family. Example 2 - As my boyfriend has a 4 year old nephew (son of his elder brother), he is a naughty kid and would play around as he did in the first meeting. Half the time of the meeting was spent calming the child down, because the topic of my marriage was important so my parents invited ONLY my boyfriend and his parents to our house with the intention to discuss things without focusing on the child alone. When they came to our house, my boyfriend’s mother in a casual way told us that “our grandson is naughty but obeys his family” and told (pointing towards me) “that she would have handled him”. This also concerned my mother thinking that my boyfriend’s mother expects me to not discuss my marriage but rather handle the kid the entire time? Honestly, these things not only upset my mother but also my sister and extended family. She is heavily concerned about my well being in the family because of a heavy contrast in the expectations of both families towards life postmarriage. Now, I am in a dilemma as to what I should do. I do not want to hurt my boyfriend's feelings since we have been with each other for a long time. He also loves me deeply but I also know that my family is not wrong too. If possible , I sincerely request your suggestion. Regards, Tanya

Ans: Tanya, I can feel the weight of the dilemma you’re facing, and it’s a difficult place to be.
relationships don’t exist in isolation; they’re influenced by the families and cultures we are part of. Your family’s reservations are not just about his family’s values but how those values could impact your life, your autonomy, and your emotional wellbeing within the marriage. They want to ensure that you step into a life that feels aligned with who you are, not one where you might feel pressured to conform to expectations that don’t sit well with you.

The examples you shared highlight a contrast in priorities and lifestyles. Your upbringing focused on academics and independence, while his family seems to place a strong emphasis on traditional roles, such as cooking or managing a household. The comment from his mother about handling the child might seem casual on the surface, but it reflects an underlying expectation that could affect you in the long run. It’s not just about whether you know how to cook or manage children, but whether you’re ready to embrace the responsibilities they may assume are natural for you after marriage.

The key question here is whether these differences will feel manageable to you over time. Every marriage requires compromise, but those compromises should not come at the cost of your sense of self or emotional wellbeing. If there are already signs that these expectations clash with your own values, you need to consider whether you’ll have the space and support to negotiate these differences. Will your boyfriend actively advocate for your needs within his family? Can you see yourself thriving in an environment where the lifestyle and expectations differ so much from what you’re used to?

It’s also important to think about how this affects your family. They’re your strongest supporters, and their concerns are rooted in love for you. While they’ve approved of your boyfriend, their discomfort with his family’s expectations is valid. If they’re seeing red flags, it’s worth pausing to understand why. They don’t want you to lose the independence and opportunities they’ve worked to give you.

Take time to reflect on how you truly feel—not just about your boyfriend, but about his family and the life you would be stepping into. Marriage is not just a union between two individuals; it’s also a partnership between two families, especially in a culture where families are deeply interconnected. You need clarity about whether you’ll feel supported, respected, and valued—not only by your boyfriend but by the family you’ll be a part of.

Have another honest conversation with your boyfriend. Share your family’s concerns without blame, and ask him how he sees the future, especially in situations where his family’s expectations may conflict with your values or comfort. Does he see those moments as challenges you’ll face together? Does he have a plan for how you both can set boundaries and create a balance that honors your individuality?

Tanya, this decision is ultimately about your long-term happiness. Whatever you decide, let it come from a place of self-awareness, respect for your values, and clarity about what you need to feel secure and loved in your marriage. You deserve a partnership that nurtures your growth, honors your strengths, and creates a life where you feel truly at home.