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Haunted by Husband's Emotional Affair - What Should I Do?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |499 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 03, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 01, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hii, my husband and I have a love marriage after 9 years of dating, now it has been 6 years and two children after that, little one is 8months old. He had a brief affair extending to chatting mostly as far as I know to someone who works in the same company but different department to him when my little one was 1 month old, we were in rough patch that time due to child birth difficulties and family drama. Then as I got to know about the same, by casually checking his phone and confronted him he accepted his mistake and said sorry. And said he won't be doing that again but I caught him again somehow chatting and same repeat he said he is wrong and now as per him he have reduced talking to that girl. But as I think he talks to her thoda bhot, as she is his junior position and asks for help once a while. I love my husband a lot, but this thing hurt my self respect and I am in a lot of torture mentally. I know my husband won't leave me, but I don't want to stay in such a relationship which feels a burden to my partner. I want my husband to be happy too. I am very confused what to do. I have talked to him on several times, every time he listen and helps me calm down, some times we fought also. But I am not at peace. Ps that girl is also married to her love just 2 years back. I don't want to harm my husband's reputation in any way. But I am very much hurt also. I have been reading your column for 3-4 now. I am also financially independent. I don't need anything form him, just his love. Sorry for the length, please help me.?

Ans: In your heart, it’s clear that you love him deeply and that, ideally, you want to preserve your family and relationship. However, it’s important not to dismiss your own needs for validation, love, and respect. Sometimes, the process of forgiveness includes setting strong, clear boundaries. Your husband needs to understand that while you’re willing to work on the relationship, trust is fragile and requires commitment to restore. This might mean a commitment on his part to keep all communication with this colleague strictly professional and transparent, or even a decision to minimize interactions with her entirely if necessary. Expressing these boundaries clearly may help him see the gravity of what’s at stake.

It’s also valuable to remember that healing from betrayal is not a quick process. Even with reassurances and boundaries in place, your feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger may surface unexpectedly. Be gentle with yourself in this process and consider turning inward to strengthen your own resilience. Financial independence is an incredible strength, and leaning into the aspects of your life that bring you personal fulfillment can be grounding. Investing in your own well-being will help you feel more centered, no matter where this journey takes you.

If, at any point, you feel that his actions aren’t aligning with his words and that trust cannot be rebuilt, remember that choosing a path that prioritizes your mental peace is not a failure. Some couples also find that a temporary separation helps provide clarity; this doesn’t have to mean ending the relationship but could be a chance to reset, reflect, and decide if you both are truly aligned in your vision for the future.

In the end, what matters most is that you feel respected, valued, and loved in a way that doesn’t compromise your self-worth. This situation is a challenging chapter, but with clarity, boundaries, and professional support, you can find a path that honors both your love for your husband and your own dignity.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1449 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2023

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Relationship
Hello, I am 41 year old professional. I had met my husband before marriage though social media 5 years back and thereafter maintaining distance relationship and meeting occasionally for 3 years we got married in 2021. It was a struggle for marriage as it was inter caste and inter religious marriage. Everything was smooth in relationship to the fact that I’m responsible for all financial matters as my husband has no job. He is still trying and looking for job. I didn’t mind much but would encourage him to get the job to be mentally and physically fit. Last year we went to his nephews marriage to his village. It was of 7 day programme. On second day I noticed him watching another women ( nephews mother’s sister who has 2 daughters) At that time I didn’t pay attention. After 2 days on a night function I saw my husband texting from far but he looked at that lady again. She also seemed to texting. I became suspicious. Later that night when he came to room I asked to show him his phone he was reluctant. I had to snatch his phone and I saw that he was texting the same lady and in that had asked her to meet her alone. and asking her where he can meet her. I gnashed cried and made a huge scene coz this was not what I had expected. He tried to convince that she was his girlfriend of past and suddenly after seeing her after sometime he only wanted to talk to her. I only asked her ... why alone? He had told me during dating that she had a girlfriend ( never told her identity) and that she has married and moved on. Feeling cheated I could not sleep but only cried that night and in the morning if we can return to our city. Programme had not finished but he agreed and we left. Since then that night and those days still haunt me ; thinking what didn’t I do to love him so much and in return we get cheated. I’m still with him, but mentally I still feel cheated and still am in doubt that he is in touch with her. I am not able to do my duties as part of my mind thinks he cheats me though I have confronted many times on this and he denies that he is not in touch with her Should I leave him or continue with this marriage? We still don’t have any baby.
Ans: Dear Vandana,
Clearly you are more into him than he is into you. Baby or no baby, he seems like someone who isn't going to be steady...what was the need to hide and plan a meeting and if the other lady has moved on, what is doing hanging around her?
And with no financial assurance and stability, he is only tuning his energies to external validation to 'up' his elf esteem...

Isn't it time you actually called him out for his wayward nature and his absolute reluctance to take on some responsibility in the marriage and home? The more you are quiet, the more he is going to feel that you are supporting this nonsense...call it out and NOW! And as for your state of mind, do know that you have it in you to hold your own...don't base you peace of mind on anything outside of you...

All the best!

..Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |120 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 19, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hi sir, I am 34 year women with 2 girl kids. I m working in IT and I earn good amount of livelihood. Sir I hv been married for 6 years and after 1 year of marriage me and my husband understanding issue started where he wants to dominate on me in all senses including financial stuff. But I was okay n in 1 year my 1st daughter born then serious issue started I had rejoined job n discontinued giving all my salary to him. I started savings for my kid where he was nt happy he indirectly demanded my complete salary to be given to him as I did before issue start. Bt in 2020 as lockdown happened he moved to his village where It was very difficult for me to work bt demanded to come to his place. I denied and concentrate my career. So he left us 2 years he did call n check how is kid. Then again he came back 2022 with elders we moved to together to city and again asked money as my sal was increased if nt asked me to barrow 50-60lac as loan n give to him for property which he agreed to make it my name in his place. Bt I denied bc I couldn't trust him meanwhile 2nd daughter born. I came for mother place n he started doing backstabbing abt me n my family within relatives. When I asked he stopped coming visiting me n my daughter and he turn up for 2 baby also it's been year now. Sir my question is ..I m fed up of his behaviour n I dont trust him. As I hv two kids is it really difficult to live without him in this society. As many of my relatives are suggesting go and call ur him how can you live alone with 2 daughter. Sir pls guide me what should I do now ..I tolerate him all these years for kids and society. Now I m done n scared as will I be able to handle all alone. My parents are big support and now I m nt in condition where I go legally against him. Is my decision of living by myself with my daughters and parents is correct or wrong decision or I should go with him.
Ans: Your situation is indeed complex and emotionally taxing. It's important to approach this with both clarity and compassion for yourself and your daughters. Here are some steps and considerations to help you navigate this:

Self-Reflection and Clarity
Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s essential to recognize your feelings of frustration, fear, and exhaustion. These emotions are valid and need to be addressed.
Define Your Priorities: What are your primary concerns? Your children’s well-being, your financial independence, your personal peace, and safety are likely at the top of this list.
Evaluating Your Relationship
Assess Trust and Respect: Trust and mutual respect are fundamental to any relationship. If these are missing, it is challenging to maintain a healthy partnership.
Past Behaviors as Indicators: Look at the past behavior of your husband. Consistent demands for money, lack of support, and absence during critical times can be telling signs of his priorities and commitment.
Support System
Lean on Your Parents: Having your parents’ support is a significant advantage. They can provide emotional, physical, and perhaps even financial support as you navigate this period.
Professional Help: Consider seeking counseling or support groups for single mothers. These resources can provide guidance, emotional support, and practical advice.
Societal Pressure
Redefine Norms: Society often has rigid expectations, but your well-being and that of your children come first. Living according to societal norms at the cost of your mental peace and safety is not sustainable.
Role Models: Look for examples of other women who have successfully managed similar situations. Their stories can offer inspiration and practical advice.
Legal and Financial Considerations
Know Your Rights: Even if you’re not in a position to take legal action now, it’s essential to be informed about your rights regarding child support and alimony.
Financial Independence: Continue to safeguard your financial independence. This will provide security and stability for you and your daughters.
Decision Making
Short-Term vs. Long-Term: Think about both immediate needs and long-term goals. What decision will bring peace and stability now, and what will be beneficial in the future?
Children’s Well-Being: Consider the environment your children will grow up in. A peaceful, loving environment, even if it’s without their father, might be more beneficial than a toxic, conflict-ridden one.
Practical Steps
Document Everything: Keep records of communications and financial transactions. This documentation can be crucial if you decide to pursue legal action in the future.
Plan for Independence: Create a plan for your independent living situation, including budgeting, childcare, and career progression.
Final Thoughts
Choosing to live independently with your daughters is a courageous and often necessary step for many women in similar situations. Trust in your strength and the support of your parents. It’s important to remember that living a life of peace and dignity, even if it means being a single parent, is a powerful and positive example for your children.

You are not alone in this journey. Seek the support you need, trust your instincts, and prioritize your and your children’s well-being above all.

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |508 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 02, 2024Hindi
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Hii, I have an love marriage after 9 years of dating and 6 years, 2 children post marriage, my little one is 11 months old now. My husband has an affair upto chatting to someone in his company, his junior but in different department, when my Lil one was 1 month old, we had in a rough patch then due to child birth and family drama. When I saw it and confronted him, he said he is sorry and won't do it again, we had multiple fights for 3-4 months after then due to same reason, but he mostly listen and consol. It's been a lot of mental torture for me. I love my husband a lot and he is a good person, but sometimes sill I see her msg in his phone asking for small helps or casual msg. She is also married. I am not sure my husband deletes msg or what, I am not able to get over this. Before it, this is was preety much a good relationship. I am highly educated and independent women. I don't want anything form my husband apart from love. What should I do, whenever I tell him I want to just leave and let him have his life, he won't let me somehow. We are having a good physical relationship 2-4 times a week( just to tell where we are). Please help me...I can't overcome that he is making fool of me...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am sorry to hear you are in such a tough spot. I would suggest considering marriage counseling. A professional who can help you both tackle these issues would be helpful in this situation. I understand that it was his mistake and he needs to put the effort to make you trust him again, but since you are still together, you will also have to put in the effort to let it. I know it is difficult and that's where marriage counselor comes in. They can help you navigate these feelings. Moreover, if he is indeed hiding something, therapy can help that come out in the open.

Hope this helps.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7595 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

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I am 49 and plan to retire in 2 years time.. I currently have a MF corpus of about 1.8 Cr, a PF of about 1 Cr and properties worth 2 Cr. I have been investing in MF's since 2014 through SIP's and currently have 70K monthly SIP. Please advise if I would be comfortable in 2 years, my estimated monthly expense post retirement would be approx 2 Lakhs per month
Ans: Your current corpus of Rs. 1.8 crore in mutual funds and Rs. 1 crore in PF is significant. The additional Rs. 2 crore in properties adds to your wealth but doesn’t provide immediate liquidity. Let us evaluate if your corpus will sustain your post-retirement expense of Rs. 2 lakh per month.

Estimating Post-Retirement Corpus Requirement
You plan to retire in 2 years, at age 51.

Assuming a life expectancy of 85 years, the corpus needs to last for 34 years.

An expense of Rs. 2 lakh per month means Rs. 24 lakh annually.

Adjust this amount for inflation to calculate future needs.

Current Investment Contributions
Your Rs. 70,000 monthly SIP builds your corpus over the next 2 years.

SIPs offer rupee cost averaging, reducing market volatility impact.

Assess the fund performance regularly to maximise growth.

Diversification of Investments
Your corpus is spread across mutual funds, PF, and properties.

PF provides a stable, fixed return but lacks flexibility.

Properties offer wealth accumulation but are less liquid for immediate needs.

Mutual funds remain a primary source of liquidity and growth post-retirement.

Evaluating Monthly Withdrawals Post-Retirement
Withdrawals should balance your monthly expenses and ensure corpus longevity.

Avoid withdrawing large amounts in the early years of retirement.

Consider a mix of equity and debt mutual funds for withdrawal strategies.

Role of Inflation and Healthcare Costs
Factor in inflation’s effect on expenses over 30+ years.

A 6% inflation rate doubles your monthly expense in 12 years.

Allocate for increasing healthcare costs with age.

Importance of Emergency and Medical Coverage
Keep at least 6 months' expenses in a liquid fund for emergencies.

Ensure you have comprehensive health insurance for unexpected medical costs.

Tax Efficiency in Withdrawals
Equity mutual funds' LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.

Debt fund returns are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Plan withdrawals to minimise tax liability on gains.

Active Funds vs. Direct Funds
Actively managed funds optimise returns by responding to market changes.

Direct funds lack professional support, affecting long-term efficiency.

Work with a Certified Financial Planner to select regular funds.

Disadvantages of Relying on Real Estate
Properties are illiquid and may take time to convert to cash.

Rental income may not cover Rs. 2 lakh monthly expenses reliably.

Maintenance and property taxes further reduce returns.

Recommendations for Portfolio Restructuring
Increase Allocation to Growth Assets

Continue SIPs in equity mutual funds for growth potential.

Review funds for consistent performance and portfolio alignment.

Add Balanced and Debt Funds for Stability

Include balanced advantage and debt funds for steady income.

Debt funds reduce overall portfolio risk.

Plan a Withdrawal Strategy

Use the SWP (Systematic Withdrawal Plan) for predictable income.

Withdraw from equity funds after 3 years for tax efficiency.

Avoid Over-reliance on PF and Real Estate

PF offers safety but limited returns.

Use properties strategically for potential downsizing or sale.

Final Insights
You are on track to retire comfortably, provided you optimise your investments. Plan your withdrawals carefully, factoring in inflation and tax efficiency. Work with a Certified Financial Planner to refine your portfolio and achieve your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7595 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 21, 2025Hindi
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Money
I like to know which MF to be selected for investing in a SIP among same types of funds with equal performances and risks but with different NAVs.
Ans: When selecting a mutual fund for SIP among funds with similar types, performances, and risks but different NAVs, consider the following aspects:

1. Net Asset Value (NAV) Does Not Reflect Fund Performance
A lower or higher NAV does not indicate better returns.

NAV reflects the fund's per-unit value and changes daily.

Investment growth depends on percentage returns, not NAV values.

2. Expense Ratio and Fund Costs
A lower expense ratio can improve net returns.

Actively managed funds with skilled fund managers may charge slightly higher fees.

Ensure you evaluate the cost-to-benefit ratio before making a decision.

3. Fund Manager's Track Record
Review the fund manager's expertise and past performances.

A consistent manager with strong market knowledge can add value.

Avoid funds with frequent management changes.

4. Fund House Reputation and AUM
Choose funds from a reputed fund house with a strong track record.

A large Asset Under Management (AUM) ensures better stability and liquidity.

Avoid funds with excessively low AUM, as they may face liquidity issues.

5. Tax Implications of the Fund
Assess how long-term and short-term capital gains will affect returns.

Equity mutual funds have specific tax rates: LTCG above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.

Debt funds follow your income tax slab, affecting post-tax returns.

6. Investment Goals and Time Horizon
Align the fund choice with your financial goals.

Longer-term goals may benefit from equity-focused funds.

Short-term goals may require hybrid or debt-focused funds.

7. SIP Benefits in Any NAV
SIPs help average out purchase costs over time, reducing the impact of NAV differences.

Avoid basing decisions solely on NAV, as SIPs work on rupee cost averaging.

8. Focus on Portfolio Composition
Examine the fund's portfolio mix and sector allocation.

Ensure diversification aligns with your risk appetite and goals.

Avoid funds with concentrated exposure to risky sectors.

9. Assess Consistency of Returns
Look at rolling returns and consistency across market cycles.

Funds with stable returns in volatile markets are preferable.

Avoid funds with high volatility in performance.

10. Disadvantages of Index Funds
Index funds passively track benchmarks, lacking flexibility in volatile markets.

Actively managed funds can outperform by leveraging market opportunities.

A Certified Financial Planner can guide you to suitable active funds.

11. Benefits of Regular Funds Over Direct Funds
Regular funds offer ongoing advice and monitoring by a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD).

Direct funds lack professional support, which is crucial for long-term goals.

Certified Financial Planners provide insights and manage your portfolio efficiently.

Final Insights
Choosing the right mutual fund involves evaluating beyond NAVs. Focus on long-term potential, cost efficiency, and alignment with goals. SIPs, combined with expert advice, will help you achieve financial stability.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Pushpa

Pushpa R  |45 Answers  |Ask -

Yoga, Mindfulness Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Pushpa

Pushpa R  |45 Answers  |Ask -

Yoga, Mindfulness Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Pushpa

Pushpa R  |45 Answers  |Ask -

Yoga, Mindfulness Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 21, 2025Hindi
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Health
I'm a 40-year-old woman struggling with bloating and poor digestion. Are there specific yoga poses or kriyas that can improve my gut health?
Ans: Bloating and poor digestion are common but can improve with yoga and simple kriyas. Yoga helps by stimulating your digestive organs, improving blood flow, and reducing stress, which often affects gut health.

Here are some yoga poses and kriyas for better digestion:

Wind-Relieving Pose (Pavanamuktasana): Lie on your back, bring your knees to your chest, and gently hug them. This pose helps release gas and soothes your stomach.

Cat-Cow Stretch (Marjaryasana-Bitilasana): On all fours, alternate between arching your back (Cow) and rounding it (Cat). This movement massages the abdominal organs and improves digestion.

Seated Twist (Ardha Matsyendrasana): Sit with one leg crossed over the other, then twist your upper body. Twists stimulate the digestive system and release toxins.

Kapalabhati (Skull Shining Breath): This kriya involves rapid exhalations and helps cleanse your digestive tract. Practice for 2-3 minutes daily, preferably on an empty stomach.

Relaxation: End with 5-10 minutes in Corpse Pose (Savasana) to calm your mind and reduce stress, which often worsens bloating.

For safe and effective practice, consult a yoga coach who can guide you with proper techniques. Personalized guidance will bring better results.

R. Pushpa, M.Sc (Yoga)
Online Yoga & Meditation Coach
Radiant YogaVibes
https://www.instagram.com/pushpa_radiantyogavibes/

...Read more

Nitin

Nitin Narkhede  |56 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 01, 2024Hindi
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Money
We two brothers have inherited a property on 200 sq yard by registered will of our father in 2020. The property was purchased by our father in 1970 and redeveloped in 1990 into three story building. Ground floor is with my brother and first floor. Third floor without roof rights was sold by our father at the time of redevelopment . Me and my brother have terrace rights as per registered will of our father ( each has 50% roof/ terrace rights). My brother is US citizen and want to sell his share for four crores. The expected rental income from the ground floor will be Rupees 60 thousand per month. The circle rate of the property is Rupees 7 lakh per yard. My interest in the ground floor of the property is mainly to live peacefully without any interference by unknown new buyer. I am 65 and my question is from financial point should I purchase from my brother by paying Rs. 4 crore or keep the amount in bank as fixed deposit/ RBI bonds at around 8 percent per year. Second question is if he sell it to other buyer how he will sell terrace as the terrace is undivided and we both have inherited it by registered will. Thirdly there are many builders who want to redevelop the property into four floor with basement and stilt parking. What will be the right option . I have only son .
Ans: Dear Friend,
If you’re considering whether to purchase your brother’s share of the inherited property for ?4 crore, weigh peace of mind against financial returns. Buying his share gives you full control, eliminates potential disputes with a third-party buyer, and ensures no interference in your peaceful living. However, the rental yield of ?60,000/month (~1.8% annual return) is significantly lower than the ~8% return you could get by investing ?4 crore in fixed deposits or bonds, which would generate ~?2.67 lakh/month.

Regarding the terrace, your brother cannot sell his 50% share independently since it is undivided and jointly inherited. Any sale requires your consent, limiting his ability to transfer full terrace rights to a new buyer.

Redevelopment of the property is an excellent option, offering increased value and rental income. Builders are likely to provide additional floors or cash components in exchange for development rights, enhancing long-term financial benefits and ensuring modern amenities.

If your priorities are peace of mind and control over the property, purchase your brother’s share. Otherwise, invest in safer financial instruments and consider redevelopment to maximise the property’s potential. Consult a lawyer and financial advisor to ensure the best decision. Your Financial adviser can deeply evaluate all your assets and liabilities and provide a solution which will give you more leverage.
Regards, Nitin Narkhede -Founder Prosperity Lifestyle Hub,
Free webinar https://bit.ly/PLH-Webinar

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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