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44-Year-Old Woman Asks: Is It Wrong to Stop Supporting Demanding Parents?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1355 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 08, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Sep 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello I have a strained relationship with my parents. I am 44 years old woman and married late. And now have twins who are 7 years old. Before entering this marriage, I was working and paid 50% of the earnings to my parents. And tried managing with rest 50% by paying home loan, food and others. It was very difficult but at times, i couldnnot manage on my own as the finances were tight and couldnnot save anything. Later, I took a break from work due to my love marriage and had to settle in a rural place where job opportunities were unavailable. I started a school but things did not go well and had to shut down due to covid. My money which I received from PF, gratuity all had vanished due to the school and my husband business also got into troubles and has no support from families. We were almost on roads and did not have any help. It was difficult to manage with twins. Then, i started with 5 freelancer jobs and made one lakh a month which was needed to support my family. In the interim, i got a good job at Chennai and moved with my husband. He too got a job in a start up and moved with me. His being a work from home could manage my twins while they were at home. While we started earning, again my parents started asking for money and I stopped supporting them, as my sister had started giving them money every month while i got married. My sister is well settled and runs a company abroad. I had got into a job and just settling down and did not want to take pressure again. I have my children and need to save for our retirement too. So, i started saving penny by penny. And due to not supporting my parents they do not talk to me at all. I too stopped as I thought it's better to be far with peace of mind rather than have frequent heart aches. Husband side story is that..after business got lost due to covid, his mother filed case against us stating that my husband brought loss to the business and need to step away and filed an injunction case against us. So, we could neither go to our property or restart business. As such, the case is moving and no relationship with my inlaw. But I always feel when children have holidays ...and children have been unaware of the relationship of grandparents and they yearn to be with them. They are growing up without any love of grandparents and they seem to understand. At time, I feel to help my family but I am scared as they will start squeezing me totally and I will be left with no savings. At this age, I have started to save and need it for our future. Am I doing it right

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Oh, yes, you are thinking and doing the right thing.
You have done what needs to be done for parents when you could and if by not supporting them with money now has made them judge you and distance you, then well, what can you do?
Yes, it's unfortunate that your children don't have the opportunity to get the love and attention of their grandparents, but if you look at how immature they have been and dragging you and your husband down, it's better to keep the children away from all this drama until things settle.
Children don't need a lot of people, they just need people who love them. I am sure you and your husband are doing just that. Focus on yourselves and make it work as a family. You deserve to be at peace after all that you have gone through. SO, don't waver and keep doing what you have so far to maintain that peace of mind.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu Krishna  |1355 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2022

Relationship
I got married in 2018 and it was an arranged marriage. Everything seemed very perfect for me. But soon after things got weird as I realised my husband does not share good rapport with his own family. From day second, I felt I need to correct my husband' attitude towards his own parents. He loves me a lot and protects me from any type of problem while we were staying at my in-laws' house. But before completing 2 months we moved out and somewhere I knew there is no going back to his parents from that point. During the short 2 months stay I was told that my parents did not give me good stuff -- I mean bed, almirah and (that they) had not arranged our marriage function in the best way possible. I have seen them fighting among themselves for purchasing Maggi packets stating who will pay the price. I was told my husband who is eventually their real son contributed nothing to his sister's marriage, to their house construction and to his own marriage. I was asked to pay for the marriage album as my husband contributed nothing to his own marriage. Even after leaving their place bank payment related messages have been sent to me to pay the amount. One day after feeling helpless I asked them: If your son is having so much problem why did you marry him. They simply stated that they did it for the sake of society. The moments before leaving the house were tense. They threw a lot of tantrums -- they took the jewellery they'd purchased for me and also retained the jewellery given by my parents. I said nothing about it as those materialistic things never mattered to me. I had to take back a part of jewellery made by my parents from them as my parents wanted it back. But after leaving home they did not call to ask anything about our health or our problems with the new set up but instead called for money. They are threatening to come back if we don't talk to them on regular basis and bend their son on his knees to come back to his parents. Till some time, I was under the impression that my husband is having issues; that he is the monster who is abandoning his parents. When I learned his side of story, I realised he is not at fault completely. They never made him feel loved or accepted; and always compared him with others. They considered him as their investment plan as they are all the time cursing him for not providing any financial support without knowing at what salary he is working for, what are his monthly expenses and whether he is in a position to assist them financially.He doesn't have any good memories with his family. Still I tried to make him feel their pain to be left alone behind their only son. After leaving their house they started to abuse me on phone whenever they wanted. They cursed me and my parents for taking their son away from them. My husband is the typical Indian male who on the first night took control of my debit card as he thinks it is his birth right. He strictly told me what not to wear. Although these were major flaws in the attitude, he showed love towards me so I did also do the same. I am happy with him. But with this constant verbal abuse from his parents, I feel like I’m the one who is the culprit here. I was not ready to even extend my family with my husband but somehow I did take the decision after four years of my marriage. I am expecting now but my husband warned me to not inform about this to his parents otherwise, he will send me permanently to my parents’ house. My subconscious is shaking me in every 2 to 3 weeks that I’m the culprit here. I feel like my child will also leave me behind the way we left his parents behind. They insulted me in every possible way but I still don't want them to be left alone in their senior years like this. But I have no control over my husband he is way more detached towards them and maximum time insensitive to their problems. Also his parents always call to either abuse me or their son they did never ask us how we are if we are fine even in corona time I was positive and when they knew about they call my husband to make fun of this. Please suggest.
Ans:

Dear MB,

Too much going on in your mind all at once. Sometimes, it helps to compartmentalize.

It seems like you are being a nice human, have tried patching things between the son and his family.

Let it alone, it is unique and it’s their battle to fight. By you getting into this, it might eventually be pointed out that you are a bad wife and a bad influence on their son.

People when in distress lose sense of logic and blame everything on the external. So, you have done your bit, in vain…now stay away from their relationship.

What is meant to be, will be. Any more interference might only harm the relationship further.

As for you, when they call and abuse, kindly assert that you will not be talked to in that manner OR simply avoid their calls till the time they ask, then say: I do want our conversations to be had with respect both ways.

As for your husband taking away your debit card; it does seem his way of exercising control which he lacks with himself in relation to his parents.

He feels helpless and him taking charge of what you wear etc is his way of establishing ground rules by being a patriarch.

Please rework this soon else this will be observed by your children especially if you have a girl child.

Your meek submission is what she will learn from you.

Just like you took your streedhan back, what you feel you have a personal association and right over, kindly take it back.

His love for you does not mean that he owns you and it does not mean you need to submit.

Of course, if it is to maintain peace for the time being, alright…but over a period of time this has to change.

Enjoy the pregnancy without bringing unwanted worries that your child will also leave you etc.

Too much of commercial movies can instil these fears. Your husband and his family made this choice to harbor animosity towards each other.

Why will your child do the same with you? There is no transference. Simply, enjoy being pregnant, focus on yourself and your child.

Think good, eat good, feel good, laugh a lot and choose what who you want around you. It affects the child directly.

Please become responsible now towards your unborn child. He/she needs you.

Be with Nature a lot, listen to calming music…your baby will thank you someday for this. So smile and get on to enjoying your pregnancy.

Be happy and all the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1355 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 13, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am 33 yrs old, recently lost my loving husband of 35yrs old to a sudden massive heart attack. Since we had a loving bond in my in laws family, and they didnt want to go back to their village, i offered them to shift the rented apartment, to a place closer to my maternal housez wo that i can live with my own parents and be close to them as well and keep visiting on and off. I have a brother in law, same age as me, who left his job son after his brothers death, in pretext of studying for exam. I supported him saying its ok . Ill find a job and pay the rent till you get a job for urself after your exams and offered to pay 50-50 rent, for the house i wont even live in. My maternal family was not fond of this, but still supported me, knowing my good intentions.With time their thoughts changed or what i dont know, his brother doesnt study at all, and emotionally harasses mw saying you told you will take full responsibility and now you are backing off. His parents on the other hand insulted and accused my parents for trying to take the money of life i surance which is in wife's name. They feel they have right on all the claim amount that I (his wife) is nominee off and that me and my family wither changed the nominee name after my husband's death or when he was alive, tactfully forced him to put my name as nominee. I lost respect for all the three. I would have even given all the money to them, but now, i cant take their insults and false accusations any more. Even tried explaining them in a family meeting. But in vain. If anything, they start crying and showing that how their loss is bigger than mine and how we are being such vultures ...although i understand their loss, but they ought to know my loss is same ,if not less. Should i not stand up for my parents and myself? His brother does not want to take any responsibility and shamelessly tried to emotionally torture me into apting their rent and giving all that my husband has left in my name (ps. Its not a big amount ) but still, its not about the money for me...its about the trust and how little they think of me. What do you think should i be doing? I gave his brother a mouthful the other day and blocked his number, as he was continuously sending me msgs and torturing me . He is the kind of guy whonwould have fed on his brother his whole life, had he been alive.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am so sorry for your loss!
But you have not understood why drawing of boundaries is important to keep any relationship healthy. By opening up yoour space, you have allowed people to take advantage of your niceness and now they have turned the tables on you making you look like a villain.
If you had to advice a dear female friend, what would you tell her? To keep giving into her in-laws drama or to draw the line, protect what is rightfully hers and move on with dignity ignoring such people?
What would you say to her? Follow your own advice; you don't owe anyone anything and you were just trying to be nice and they could not see that in all their immaturity. Maybe it's their grief speaking BUT if they are still going to rain hell on you; draw that boundary now and save your peace of mind...Please!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu Krishna  |1355 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 20, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi, I got married in December 2012. Love marriage, we met in the office. I clearly told him that if I get married I would need to give one years salary to my dad as he has loan installments to pay and also told him my dad would do good wedding arrangements however no dowry should be asked. When his parents came to see me for the first time they came all prepared to finalize the relationship however we weren't aware. Me and my parents thought they are just coming to see me and the family. But when they started off with basic rituals that is when we were stunned but then went along. His father asked dowry from my dad and he was speechless but when I denied my father spoke to them and said he will bear all their expenses too but won't be able to give dowry. When I confronted my husband he said he wasn't aware that his dad will ask for dowry. We got married and when we visited his hometown his father confessed that he was not aware that me and my husband had discussed no dowry part otherwise he would not have asked my father. I was infuriated but I let it go. Soon after an year my salary started coming in and he would tranfer it in his account. I did not pay attention to it. Soon all the money was in his control. There came a situation in my family, my sister's wedding was called off by groom's end three days before the wedding and it was a shock. My husband asked us to write a letter stating all about the situation so that it can be submitted to the police. My husband kept a copy of that letter with him. During the lockdown my father asked for some monetary help from me but my husband denied to help him, and I started hating him to my core. Soon my mother in law moved in with us when my father in law expired. Since then our relationship sucked. She would always manipulate his son. I got so furious I started putting sugar in my husband's milk as he is diabetic and then later confessed it to him. Now he is threatening me of releasing that letter to my sister's husband and also has kept all the money in his control. He says he will make me feel sorry for what I did and also we are just living in my home but we have no relation and he does not talk to me. I don't want this relationship to flourish anyways but I need to know what can I do if I can get half of the assets. Please suggest what I can do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Since you have decided not to stay within the marriage, the best recourse would be to seek legal advice and move ahead. He/She will advice you on assets split, custody etc.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Janak

Janak Patel  |8 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 30, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi, i am 52years old, wanted to retire early, following are my investments, MF - INR 65L, Equity - INR 22L, 3 houses, one is self-occupied, other 2 houses valued at INR 90 L and INR 32L respectively, i have home loan outstanding of INR 12L, FD of INR 36L , PF INR 32L, monthly expenses requirement is INR 1 L, kindly help me to plan my early retirement. Thank you in advance for your reply on my question.
Ans: Hi,

As there are many things to consider for an early retirement, one of the first is to start thinking about it in a more realistic manner. An early retirement is not necessarily stop working life, but think of it as a more comfortable schedule that provides you opportunities to relax and pursue your passion and interests and live life on your own terms. You may or may not undertake an activity which can be monetized, meaning which provides you some sort of income - not necessarily to cover your living expenses in whole/part. So do give it some thought of how you intend to keep yourself occupied once you retire from your "current schedule". Will you generate any source of income or will you incur/require more expense.

At current age of 52, an early retirement even if we consider at 55 years of age, it a still a long life ahead. I will make a lot of assumptions in my response as these are not known from your query - such as life expectancy of another 30 years, average return of 8% on all investments for future etc. Are the 2 real estate properties earning any kind of rent that can be considered as income.
There are too many variables that go into the calculations for retirement which are specific to each individual and their circle of life.

Generic solution - You have a currently accumulated investments valued at INR 2.65 Cr (all investments less loan).

Current monthly expenses is INR 1 Lac, over which inflation needs to be applied each year (depends on lifestyle and composition of items of expenses).

So if your cumulative investments appreciate at average 8% annually, and your monthly expense increases at 6% annual inflation, your current accumulated investments are just about enough to manage expenses for next 30yrs (excluding tax implications - refer below).

Points to consider -
1. Inflation in real world is more than 6% (depends on the individual)
2. Liquidation of investments e.g. Real estate attract expenses/fees and tax on capital gains as it will be lumpsum
3. PF post retirement will earn interest only for 3 years, so you need to plan to re-invest the amount
4. Interest income on FD attracts tax at slab rate
5. Withdrawal of amount for monthly expense from your investments will attract tax on capital gains (MF and Equity)

I strongly recommend you connect with a Certified Financial Planner for personalized guidance and prepare a plan that will take into consideration your risk profile and overall investment management towards the retirement. Benefits will include a more tax efficient plan which will consider your requirements and ensure retirement goals are achieved and if there is a shortfall - what alternatives you need to consider.

Hope this is helpful and all the best for the future.

Regards
Janak Patel
Certified Financial Planner.

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Health Science and Pharmaceutical Careers Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

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Sir I am preparing for mbbs, but I'm not able to crack that. I'm a middle class student. Can I pursue mbbs in abroad under 8 lakhs in a best college for mbbs?After that can I able to be a doctor in India?
Ans: Hi Lagna,

It seems you haven’t provided the details clearly on this platform. If you could share more information, I’m sure you will receive helpful input.

Based on your message, I understand that you are considering pursuing a career in medicine. If you intend to enroll in a medical program either in India or abroad and plan to practice in India after completion, here are some important guidelines according to the National Medical Commission (NMC):

You must appear for the NEET exam, as it is a mandatory requirement for anyone wishing to pursue graduate medical education in India or elsewhere while intending to return and practice in India. According to the NMC eligibility criteria: “No student shall be eligible to pursue graduate medical education either in India or elsewhere (if they want to return and practice in India), except by scoring the minimum eligible score at the NEET UG exam. The UGMEB will announce the list of eligible students periodically.”

Therefore, I recommend preparing for the NEET exam and trying to secure admission in India itself. If you choose to pursue medical education abroad, you can still practice in India, but you will need to pass exit exams as well.

Regarding your question about pursuing MBBS abroad for under 8 lakhs, are you asking if this is per year or for the entire course? Studying abroad at that cost per year is possible. However, when you take into account the total expenses, which include course fees, accommodation, food, travel, visa, and other costs, it might be more feasible to complete your MBBS in India.

I hope this clarifies your queries!

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Patrick Dsouza  |879 Answers  |Ask -

CAT, XAT, CMAT, CET Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

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Hi Sir, I am 41 years old. I've 15 years of experience in Finance (FP&A) domain. In last 2.5 years I have changed 3 companies due to lay off, Cultural misfit and latest one due to Personal and family issue. I quit my last job in Sept'24 (from Apr;24 to Sept'24). Due to some family issues, Lay offs, Challenges faced on the job I am feeling very low. I don't have any confidence left as a result don't want to return to work out of fear and anxiety. However, I also want to upskill myself and thinking of pursuing US CMA. But I am in dilemna that with around 15 years of work experience would it open any gates for growth opportunities going forward. Another dilemna that I am constantly fighting is to whether think of making a switch from Finance domain to Learning & Development domain. I have good communication & interpersonal skills and have always had a liking towards L&D domain. Now myself on a Career break I am not sure how to proceed further - Whether to pursue my Career in Finance and look for jobs in Finance domain and then gradually look to switch to L&D domain or Look for the opportunities only in L&D domain. I have an emergency fund that can take care of my expenses for next 6-8 months. Looking forward to your guidance that can help me bounce back in my career as I am feeling lost, depressed and Lack of Confidence at present in life. Thanks.
Ans: Learning is a continuous process. So doing a course in Finance should not be a problem. As far as getting into LnD domain, start with being a faculty in one of the colleges or can start with taking private tuitions. See if it suits you. If it does, then you can decide to make the switch.

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