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Worried Man: Mom Pestering Us for Grandkids, Blaming Wife

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |366 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 23, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Sep 22, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello madam , my mother is too much obsessed with kid from me and my wife it's been 6 months of our marriage, she always compares with my siblings, but my situation is different but she is not understanding, I have already told her that I will let you know when we will plan please don't force but she is not understanding, now this month my wife got periods she went so upset and started blaming my wife that you must be taking some pills, we will go to doctor for checkup , Madam please advise how to handle her I am fully tired of her I don't know what to do I am not able to focus on my work

Ans: What’s really crucial here is that you and your wife stay united in how you handle this pressure. It’s essential that your wife knows you are fully supportive of her, and that you both are on the same page regarding your family planning decisions. If she feels that you’re standing by her side, it can help alleviate some of the stress she’s likely feeling from your mother’s constant comments and expectations.

When it comes to your mother, it may be time to have a firmer, more honest conversation. Instead of just telling her that you’ll let her know when you’re ready to plan, it might be helpful to share a bit more about how this pressure is affecting you and your wife. Explain to her that while you appreciate her desire to become a grandmother, her constant focus on this is creating unnecessary stress and is damaging to your mental health and your relationship. You may need to set some boundaries that are more definitive, letting her know that these kinds of conversations will no longer be welcome because they’re causing more harm than good.

It’s also important to stay calm and composed during these conversations. Your mother may not respond well at first, but if you remain consistent and clear about your boundaries, over time she might start to understand that you and your wife need space to make decisions on your own terms.

I know it can feel exhausting, especially when you’ve already tried to address this issue, but sometimes it takes repeated, calm, and firm conversations for boundaries to be truly respected. Your focus right now should be on protecting your marriage and your mental well-being, even if that means temporarily distancing yourself emotionally from your mother’s expectations. If things get too overwhelming, seeking professional guidance, either individually or as a couple, can also help you navigate the emotional complexities of family dynamics while keeping your relationship strong.

At the end of the day, your life, your marriage, and your future plans are yours to decide, and it’s okay to prioritize what’s best for you and your wife, even if it means disappointing others in the short term.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 07, 2023

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I am brought up in a middle class family where both my parents were working. I am the elder sister and I have a younger brother. Since childhood i feel that my mother has given more time and efforts towards my brother. When he asks something he gets it and when I ask I'm told that it's not required. My mother pretends that she treats both of us equal but i can feel the difference. I'm currently married with a 4 year old kid. My husband is very loving and we have a happy family. My issue now begins when my mother comes to stay/visit us. She begins pointing faults and imposing decisions on us. She does that same with my husband and he doesn't like it either. My mother wants to prove herself right even if she is wrong and will never accept her faults. She is interfering with my child's upbringing too. She will never ever behave like that with my brother. I won't deny the fact that she comes to help when I need since I have no inlaws but just because she knows that we need her she will try to dominate over us. One example is that when my child was 10 months i got a potty seat and she never let me put my kid on it saying that kid is too young and because of this my kid never sat in toilet till he turned 4 years. Another is that she used to feed my son only biscuits all the time even when I used to oppose. Also, once she fed my son ice cream when he was 1 year old and my child developed fever next day and she put blame on me saying I took him our for walk in the evening hence my child got fever. When I used silicon brush to brush my kids teeth she stopped me saying there's no need to brush before 1 month when i objected and continued doing it she blamed .e whenever my kid cried saying that his gums are hurting because you brushed his teeth. Many more such incidents where she puts blame on me and tries to prove me wrong She will almost daily try n tell me that my husband is blaming her for groceries getting over/ equipment not working etc which I know my husband does not (he is very kind hearted ) and she just keeps all this misunderstanding in her head. Many times I've clarified by talking to both of them together. Now, my husband is going out of town and again my mother will be coming. I'm fed-up of these fights n arguments but when in emergency i have to rely on her but she takes full advantage of the fact that I need her. I can't take this anymore and its affecting my mental health
Ans: Dear Leena,
I hear you!
But do allow me to give you a perspective. Relationships are never easy to maintain and manage as they involve emotions and layers through it all. Mothers can at times see their daughters as people who they need to groom for life. It's possible that your mother is doing the same thing. She has made it her sole responsibility to continue to groom you so that you earn a good name in your husband's household. This isn't me saying it, it's the way age-old beliefs could be seeping through your mother.
Now, it has become an interference and it must be conveyed to her. At first, it will hurt her and she might react to it by reminding you of all the sacrifices that she has made in order to raise you; but mind you, be steady in what you convey.
She will eventually understand that her daughter does not need to be monitored and taught to lead her life, but just needs a support system around her. Of course, there might be a withdrawal when she has to help you, but be firm on how you would like be treated from now on.
Polite yet firm is something that works well to avoid conflicts within relationships; so use that well.
Also, the differentiation between you and your brother might just be that she gives you tough love. Tough love is shown by a parent/authority figure to another in order to toughen the other person up and in severe cases it may result in submissiveness. In your case, it is likely that she has a certain belief on how boys and girls must be raised. It will change only when she changes her belief. For now, focus on creating a better environment at home by taking charge and being polite and firm with your mother.
And do know, at the end of the day, she is a mother....love sets everything right.
All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 05, 2023Hindi
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Dear Madam I am 36 years old and got married at 29. I have a 2year old daughter. My wife is highly impatient and always wants everyone to consider her as the centre of the universe. She has no interest in understanding peoples emotions and only cares for herself. Me and my family has no issues with this until my kid was born. After she is born, I had to devote much of my attention to my kid since my wife was very lackadaisical toward my baby. My whole energy was spent with my daughter who herself was a hyperactive kid but i do enjoy playing with her. But inspite of not understanding the fact that my whole energy is drained out by my kid, my wife starts blaming me that I am not taking care of her. What she wants is a silent husband who would silent approve of her whole nonsensical tantrums which of course i cant given the fact that my kid is growing up and i don't want her to take up these habits of her mothers. I have tried as much as possible to reason with her with patience but to no avail and my parents and relatives too after closely seeing my condition have also suggested a professional help in this regard. The fact is expect for people who are staying closely with us, no one can sense this attitude of her's and its quite difficult for others to believe when I am trying to tell them of this. Could you give me some help in this. How can I make her understand that I am not just a husband but I am a father , a son, a brother , a friend and more than that a human being.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Has you wife always been the way that you have described or has any incident given rise to this impatience and lack of reasoning?
A professional opinion may definitely be helpful in assessing what's going on and what can be done to streamline her thoughts into creating a family and a better life for herself and those around her.
Since, I don't know all the facts, I am unable to make a professional evaluation and can only work on some assumptions here.
Maybe she feels dissatisfied with being a wife and a mother and possibly wants to have a career for herself. Maybe motherhood is overwhelming for her and the responsibilities are worrying her.
Maybe she is seeking you care and attention.
Remember even a child when he/she throws a tantrum, you go deep to find the reason for it. It's never without a strong reason...So, do not dismiss what you wife might be going through. It needs to be taken care of.
In the meantime, care for yourself by making sure that you get some time off from playing the parent.
Find your ME time and indulge in your hobbies to maintain your sanity. You need to be a good kind space to be able to support your wife and child, so do what it takes to feel simple joys. So, seek professional help and NOW! Sometimes a total stranger can work wonders up...

All the best!

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |366 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 24, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 23, 2023Hindi
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Because of my mother my married life is falling apart.. my mother does something purposely which hurts my wife and then quarrel starts. I pleaded my mother not to do so many times but she doesn't understand what we are loosing. I don't want to loose any of them family. Pls advice what should I do.
Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you're facing such a challenging situation. Balancing relationships with both your mother and your spouse can be difficult, but it's essential to find a way to create harmony. Here's some advice on how to handle this situation:

Communication: Open, honest, and empathetic communication is crucial. Sit down with your mother and your spouse separately and discuss the issue. Let them both know how much you care about them and the impact their conflicts are having on your life.
Set Boundaries: Clearly define boundaries with your mother and your spouse. Discuss what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Make it clear that you expect respect and kindness toward one another.
Counseling or Mediation: If direct communication doesn't resolve the issue, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a family therapist or counselor, to mediate the conversation. They can provide guidance and facilitate a constructive dialogue.
Prioritize Your Spouse: Your spouse should be your primary concern when it comes to your immediate family. Make sure your wife knows that you support her and are taking her concerns seriously.
Support Your Mother's Transition: If your mother's actions are rooted in a sense of loss or fear of losing you, reassure her that you still love her and that your relationship with your spouse doesn't diminish your love for her.
Time and Patience: Resolving family conflicts can take time. Be patient and persistent in your efforts to mend the relationships.
Self-Reflection: Reflect on your role in the situation and ensure you are not unintentionally contributing to the conflicts. Sometimes, small changes in your behavior can make a big difference.
Establish Separate Boundaries: If necessary, you might consider setting boundaries that involve keeping your mother and spouse apart if they can't peacefully coexist.
Remember, it's crucial to strike a balance and prioritize your spouse and immediate family. While maintaining a relationship with your mother is important, your marital relationship should come first. Seek professional help if the situation doesn't improve, as a therapist can provide guidance tailored to your specific circumstances.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 14, 2024Hindi
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Hello This is Mr kumar S/o Smt Rani, I need advise for My mother, she get angry often, she don't speak out with us openly what is going in her mind but she burst out once in a week or somtimes after two weeks, one thing that i know is that she is obsessed with child from me and my wife, one day She burst on my mother-in-law for us not having child. She is very obsessed with kitchen as well if my grandmother try to cook something in the kitchen she will come in between and start verbal fight with her sometimes they both get physical as well, If i say that lets go to doctor she denies. She says she is alright, she just need love. She is very competitive with my siblings, she says she want child before my cousin. Me and my wife are not ready for that yet can you suggest some solution. Should we take some doctors
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The choice of when you want to have a child must be left to you and your wife. The rest of the parade can have their own dreams around it, drama around it and add characters to that drama as well.
You choose if wish to be part of that drama or not...If NO< then IGNORE what's happening...And wll, your mother's temper tantrums can also be hers alone...It's like you ignore a child for throwing a tantrum in public, after a few times, the child learns that it has no effect on the parent!
Do the same with your mother...Her anger is only her way of complaining about something that she is unhappy about! You will have to teach her to express herself better and in a calm manner but the start step is to ignore, so that she stops and notices something different and then she may be willing to look within and change...
So, IGNORE the drama for a while...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Oct 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 12, 2024Hindi
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Hello Sir, I'm 44 years of age and want to plan for creating a corpus of 5 Cr by age of 60. I have 40L lying in savings which I want to invest in MFs and start with Monthly SIP as well apart from this. At 60 I'm looking to start a SWP, in regards to this could you please suggest which MFs should I invest in to achieve this goal and how should I diversify SIP and lumpsum investments? Thank you!!
Ans: Hello;

Please deploy the 40 L staggered over 6 months in pure equity mutual funds.

Also start a monthly sip of 40 K for 16 years.

You may allocate sip and lumpsum as follows:
1. Flexicap type mutual fund for eg. PPFAS flexicap fund[G] (25%)

2. Large and Midcap type mutual fund for eg. Kotak equity opportunities fund[G] (25%)

3. Midcap type mutual fund for eg. Nippon India Growth fund[G] (25%)

4. Smallcap type mutual fund for eg SBI small cap fund [G] (12.5%)

5. Thematic type mutual fund for eg Tata Digital fund[G] (12.5%)

Funds recommended are in top quartile in terms of performance in their respective category.

Both sip and lumpsum investments will yield you a corpus of 5 Cr+, 16 years from now, as desired.

After 55 you need to transfer your gains to liquid or ultra short duration debt funds to protect it against market volatility.

After retirement you move your corpus to conservative hybrid debt type mutual fund for eg. Kotak debt hybrid fund and do an SWP at the rate of 3% annually you may expect a monthly income of 1.25 L(pre-tax).

Happy Investing!!

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |352 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 14, 2024

Relationship
Hello, I m 21 female I m in a long distance relationship with 32 year male.this person was behind me and always asked me to give him a chance to prove his love for me. At that period i was afaird of relationships as I didn't have courage to go against wish of my parents as i know they wolud never agree for love marriage,so that is fir sure i'll do arrange Marriage. All these things have been explained by my side to this person.He gad feelings for me thats what he showed to me even I felt a connection towards him, so we decided let's not commit anything anout marraige as we both wee not sure about these thing. After some time i realised these person has already made his mind ki he'll date me and he wanted to have everything that an relationship has but he will not marry me.But i m completely in love with.Even i told him about it ki I can't share him n won't be able to see him.with someone else.i just can't imagine myself without him. I fought with him even begged and cried but he always defend his self sayi g i told already ki he loves me and will keep loving me but will not marry me . He vists me after 6-9 months interval every time he visuts me he needs to have physical relationship. I don't know whether I m right or wrong but i feel like I m being used by him. I tried several time to end this relationship but i end up chasing him.Plz help me,guide me
Ans: Dear Rutuja,
If you have the slightest feeling that he doesn't share the same feelings for you as you do for him, or that he has wrong intentions, you have every right to end the relationship. In fact, that would be the right thing to do. I understand that it is difficult to break up with someone you love, but does he love you? Don't you think you deserve someone who loves you and does not make you feel as if you are being used?

Have a clear conversation with him- address all your concerns. If he still maintains his stand of not getting married to you, then let him know that you are not on the same page as him. Remember, for a relationship to work, your future goals need to align.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |352 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 10, 2024
Relationship
I am a girl who met a muy in a friendly chat app and been talking to him through text and calls since the past 6 months...he told me about his past 3 breakups which were online too and he didnt meet those girls.He told he loved my nature and loves me madly n cannot live without me..i was moving with him as a friend initially,but feeling turned into love gradually..he lied to me about his name too n i found many a times flirting and chatting with other girls.Still i have forgiven as he is my first love. Recently,I met with an accident and was in a serious condition ..my phone was with my relative and she told him about my condition when he put a message to me.He even asked my relatives about the hospital address n my relative has given it. He didn't turn up and was chatting online with other girls till early morning n continued later too by chatting n cracking jokes when i was in such a serious condition.A friend of mine told me about this. When i confronted him after my discharge,he told my relative didnt give the response which is a lie ..as the proof chatting with other girls is there..n later he didnt even text to know how am i for 2days.. I am an emotional girl ,attaching n detaching is a bit difficult thing...i am broken ..when he didnt love me ..what made him use the words like he cannot live without me n will marry me. He asked for a chance,i am fed up of his lies..i made him introduce to my parents also..When i am so true to him..why does he need to chat n flirt with other girls?..even after knowing my condition instead of meeting me..he was chatting.. We still didnt meet,thought of meeting n met with an accident Does he deserve an other chance or should i leave him,please suggest mam.Why is he doing so?.I even helped him small amounts financially too when he asked for.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am very concerned about the last part of your question where you mentioned helping him financially. We ask all our dating app users not to discuss money let alone involve in a financial transaction with an online match. It gives me the impression that he might have been pursuing the relationship with you for monetary benefits; I am not saying that with surety but there is always a chance of that happening.

And now let's address your main concern- if you should give him another chance. I cannot decide that for you but let me ask you one thing- do you think you deserve to be with a person who did not care that you were in a critical condition and continued flirting with others? Even if we keep your accident aside, do you think it is a healthy relationship where one partner keeps flirting with people outside the relationship? I don't think so.

Please make the right choice and don't focus on momentary happiness, think about how this relationship will affect your future.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6592 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 14, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi I am 46 years old, my current investment is -as the follows, 1.90 cr in bank FD, 10 lakh in mutual fund and stocks. 50 lakhs for child’s education 1 child in grade 10. I have a house worth 2 cr which I have given for rent 40k monthly .I do not want to work any more and plan to retire in the next 2 years in my other house in my village. Is it possible to retire by 50 years.
Ans: At 46, you have built up a solid base for retirement. Your current investments include Rs 1.9 crore in fixed deposits (FDs), Rs 10 lakh in mutual funds and stocks, and Rs 50 lakh set aside for your child’s education. Additionally, you own a house worth Rs 2 crore, generating a rent of Rs 40,000 per month. Retiring by 50 is a realistic goal, but careful planning is needed. Let’s break down how this can be achieved and sustained.

Monthly Expenses After Retirement
The first step to ensuring a successful retirement is to estimate your monthly expenses. Since you plan to retire in your village house, your living costs might be lower than in the city. However, it's important to account for:

Regular living expenses such as food, utilities, and transportation.
Medical and health care costs that might increase as you age.
Inflation, which will erode the value of your savings over time.
You should aim to create an emergency fund and a monthly income plan that covers at least your basic needs. Your rental income of Rs 40,000 will cover a part of this, but more sources of income will ensure financial stability.

Education Fund for Your Child
With Rs 50 lakh set aside for your child’s education, you are already in a strong position. However, as your child is currently in grade 10, higher education expenses could increase significantly over the next few years.

To maintain the growth of this fund, consider placing it in a combination of low-risk instruments like debt mutual funds. These funds are less volatile and offer better returns than traditional savings methods. This strategy ensures that the education corpus remains intact and grows moderately until it's needed.

Reassessing the Fixed Deposits (FDs)
You have Rs 1.9 crore in fixed deposits, which provides stability. While FDs offer guaranteed returns, the interest rates can be lower than inflation over time. Hence, relying too much on FDs could limit your long-term growth.

Since you are planning to retire within two years, it's essential to start shifting a portion of this money into balanced investment options. These can include mutual funds with a mix of debt and equity, which provide a balance of stability and growth.

This move can help you combat inflation and generate better long-term returns without too much risk.

Mutual Fund and Stock Investments
Your Rs 10 lakh investment in mutual funds and stocks is another important part of your portfolio. You could consider:

Increasing your exposure to mutual funds with a focus on equity, especially in growth funds. Over the next two to three years, these funds can potentially generate higher returns, enhancing your retirement corpus.

Actively managed funds can offer better results compared to index funds, as professional fund managers help navigate market volatility.

Avoid direct funds, as they require constant monitoring and may lack the guidance that comes with investing through a certified financial planner (CFP).

You can slowly phase out some of your FD savings and channel them into well-diversified mutual funds. This strategy will increase your overall return potential and give you more flexibility.

Rental Income and Sustainable Withdrawals
Your rental income of Rs 40,000 is a good source of passive income. Post-retirement, you will rely more on this money to meet your monthly expenses. But it is crucial to build a sustainable withdrawal strategy from your other investments as well.

Consider the following steps to ensure you have enough income post-retirement:

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): You can set up an SWP in your mutual funds to provide a regular stream of income. An SWP allows you to withdraw a fixed amount each month while letting your corpus continue to grow.

Diversification of sources: Along with your rental income, an SWP from your mutual funds, interest from fixed deposits, and dividends from your stock investments will help you maintain a steady cash flow.

Medical Insurance and Health Care Planning
One of the most important aspects of retiring early is securing your health care. Medical costs can take up a significant portion of your savings if not properly managed.

Ensure you have a comprehensive health insurance policy with adequate coverage. Additionally, consider a top-up health insurance plan to cover higher medical expenses that could arise in the future. This will protect your retirement corpus from being depleted due to medical emergencies.

Managing Inflation and Risk
Inflation can severely impact your retirement plans. The costs of goods, services, and medical care will rise over time. Therefore, your investments must grow faster than inflation to maintain your lifestyle.

To counter inflation, it’s advisable to:

Maintain a portion of your portfolio in equity. Equity investments historically offer higher returns compared to debt and fixed-income options. Over the long term, equities can help your corpus grow at a rate that outpaces inflation.

Diversify into debt funds to reduce risk while maintaining liquidity. A mix of equity and debt will help you stay safe from market volatility but still give you decent growth.

Risk Management in Retirement
Since you plan to retire at 50, it’s essential to preserve your capital while also growing it. The strategy of balancing risk and reward is crucial. You can:

Lower the risk in equity investments as you approach your retirement date. You could reduce your equity exposure gradually and shift to lower-risk investments like debt funds, which are more stable.

Avoid high-risk investments or speculative moves, especially when you are so close to retirement. Your focus should now be on wealth preservation with moderate growth.

Final Insights
Yes, retiring by 50 is possible, but it requires careful management of your assets and income sources. Here’s a summary of how you can achieve this:

Reassess your fixed deposits: Move a portion into mutual funds to increase returns while keeping a part for liquidity.

Increase your mutual fund investments: Actively managed funds can offer better long-term growth, especially when you are not working.

Leverage your rental income: Rs 40,000 monthly rental income will cover part of your expenses, but supplement it with SWPs from your mutual fund corpus.

Preserve the education fund: Invest in safer instruments to ensure the Rs 50 lakh remains secure and grows steadily.

Diversify and manage risk: A mix of equity and debt will give you growth and safety, and help fight inflation.

Health care planning: Ensure you have strong health insurance coverage to protect your retirement corpus from medical emergencies.

By taking these steps, you can retire at 50 with financial security and peace of mind.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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