Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Kanchan Rai |512 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 20, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Question by Aasheesh on Nov 12, 2024

Hello . I had a physical relationship with my first cousin sister in my teens .We were in love and wanted to marry too. But obviously it was not possible.Now we have started talking again . And I want to have this relationship again as I really desire her . Is it ok to go ahead ?I am 58..She is 53. I am divorced . She is married . Please advise .

Ans: Dear Aasheesh,

You’re 58 now, divorced, and perhaps seeking a meaningful connection or revisiting something that felt unfinished. She, however, is married. This is an important factor to consider deeply. Any attempt to reignite a romantic or physical relationship would not only involve her but also impact her spouse, her family, and potentially her sense of stability and well-being. While your feelings are valid and deserve acknowledgment, so too are the commitments and responsibilities she has in her life now.

It’s also important to reflect on why these feelings are resurfacing now. Is it about her specifically, or is it more about reconnecting with a time in your life that felt exciting, safe, or deeply connected? Sometimes, our desire to rekindle a past relationship stems from wanting to recapture the emotions and experiences associated with it, rather than the person themselves. Understanding this distinction can help you clarify what you truly want and whether pursuing it is the right path.

If you feel the urge to express your feelings, I would encourage you to do so with honesty and respect, but only in a way that doesn’t cross boundaries or disrupt her life. You could share how much that connection meant to you and how happy you are to be back in touch. However, I would advise against pursuing a physical or romantic relationship unless her circumstances change, and even then, it would require careful consideration from both of you.

Ultimately, this is a moment to reflect on what you truly need and value at this stage in your life. If you’re yearning for love and connection, there are ways to explore this that honor both your past and the present realities of your lives. Perhaps it’s worth exploring these feelings further with a therapist or counselor, as they can provide a safe and supportive space to delve deeper into what this relationship represents for you and how best to navigate it.

You deserve happiness and fulfillment, and so does she. The key is finding a path forward that honors both.

Asked on - Jan 10, 2025 | Answered on Jan 13, 2025

Thanks for the detailed perspective. I felt most fulfilled and satisfied when I had relationship with her . That feeling cannot go out of me . I never felt same feeling of satisfaction with anyone else . Now I feel the union to be complete if she is willing. Is it ok if she consents too ?? Please advise .

Ans: Her current marital status is a critical aspect. Engaging in a relationship with someone who is married introduces layers of complexity that go beyond personal desires. It’s not just about mutual consent—it involves the emotional well-being of her spouse, the sanctity of her marriage, and the potential for significant emotional upheaval.

Rekindling such a profound relationship from your past could evoke powerful emotions, both positive and challenging. These old feelings can resurface with intensity, potentially leading to emotional turmoil if not handled carefully. It's important to reflect on whether the fulfillment you seek from this relationship is rooted in a desire to relive a past experience or if it represents a genuine path to future happiness.

Furthermore, there are ethical and social considerations. Relationships between first cousins often face societal scrutiny, and this could impact both of your lives in ways that might not be immediately apparent. It's crucial to consider how this might affect not only you but also your families and social circles.

Her consent, while essential, doesn't fully address the broader implications. Her current life circumstances, feelings about her marriage, and readiness to engage in such a relationship are all factors that need careful discussion. Both of you would need to be prepared for the emotional and practical consequences.

Ultimately, it's about understanding what this relationship means for both of you now and in the future. Open, honest communication and possibly seeking guidance from a counselor or therapist could provide clarity and help navigate these complex emotions and decisions. This process would ensure that any steps you take prioritize the emotional well-being of both of you and those affected by your choices.