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Anu Krishna |1403 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 28, 2023

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 18, 2023Hindi

Hello Anu, I hope you are doing well. I am going through a very strange problem in my life. Anu, I am 39 years old male and unmarried. I lost my father in Jan 2021 and currently live with my mother. Since I was always skeptical about marriage, I never married till this age and this got my parents worried. However, after my dad passed away and upon a constant pressure from my mother as well, I realized I should give up my stubbornness and should get married and settle down in life. I am a proud straight guy but surprisingly I never had the courage to talk to girl and make a girlfriend as well. Infact, I never ever had a physical relation as well with any female so far in my life. Because of these things, I refrained from getting married. In April 2022, a girl from jeevansathi (Miss J) approached me and we had a family meeting. In those days, I was in discussion with one more girl(Miss H). But this girl from jeevansathi really caught my eye. When I had a discussion with my mother as to which one to finally go for, Miss J or Miss H, she insisted on Miss H as she was working and wanted to work after marriage as well. Miss H, who I met earlier was more career-oriented, practical towards life and wanted to work after marriage as well. Miss J, on the other hand was pursuing a course in astrology, was more conservative, and was in fact physically also more appealing than Miss H. Miss J only had 2 conditions, she wanted no pressure in terms of asking her to work after marriage and wanted to have a low-budget marriage in a temple. I agreed to these. My Mom said that since Miss H is working and will bring in money, you should keep her as your first preference. We met Miss H in March 2022. However, we were yet to hear from them in terms of proceeding further with the matrimony. This is where it all went wrong. Miss J's parents approached us very soon after the family meeting and wanted to come to our home. But since we had Miss H as our first preference, we made an excuse that we need some time to think and decide. But believe me Anu, I gradually developed a special liking for Miss J as our tastes and habits matched quite a lot and her physical appearance also appealed to me. Since we were not hearing from Miss H, my mother called her family and asked when they would like to visit us, but they told that Miss H thinks that your boy needs a homemaker which will not suite her. We then discussed to finally approach Miss J, inspite of her asking for becoming a homemaker, as I got interested in her. On 24 April 2022, my mother called Miss J and asked her family to visit our home. She told that she would convey this message to her mother. But till evening, we did not received any call back. We tried back her number but it was not connecting. I suspected she blocked us. Curiously, I also checked her jeevansathi ID, and shockingly, she blocked my ID as well. Since I was deeply interested in marrying her, I went to meet her brother in his office but I didn't told him that his sister has blocked my Jeevansathi ID and phone number. He talked very humbly to me and told him that I agree to all the conditions and would like to go ahead. He said that he will discuss the same when he will go home today. In evening, I got the message that they will connect with us after June 2022 once her exams get over. It sounded strange to me as a family meeting can still happen as exams are still good 2 months away. But I acknowledged his response positively, wished Miss J all the best in preparation and started waiting patiently for the 2 months to get over. These developments happened on 27th april 2022. 28th april 2022 passed nicely. Now, the bomb explodes. On 29th April 2022, Miss J called my mom and started talking very furiously and rudely, complaining about my visit to his brother despite of her blocking us and also told my mom that we are liars and we are actually looking for a working girl. The whole episode came to a very bitter and abrupt end and I was really shocked with her behavior. I then tried contacting her brother too but he didn't replied. But I did send a whatsapp message making him aware about his sister's unruly behaviour towards my mom. But no response was received. But Anu, It's been 9 months and I can't really forget her. I checked her jeevansathi account but it is now coming as deleted from the site, which most probably means that she must have got married by now. Anu, you will not believe, I surrendered myself completely to her both mentally and physically (it is hard for a male to surrender physically to one women Anu) and vowed that she will be the first and the last women of my life. I believe I loved her soul more than her body and she could have been the perfect life partner for me. This was the first time Anu, you will not believe, I developed a very positive attitude towards the institution of marriage and wanted to really give everything into the relationship for a prosperous life ahead. Anu, I feel pretty depressed with this foolish act of mine and my mother of not inviting her parents else the story could have been very different. I am just finding it hard to live with this lifelong regret of not marrying her. Also, since I am 39 now, I am hardly getting any offers for marriage and whatever girls I have met after Miss J, are genuinely no where near her. My mom loves me a lot and can't see me in this situation. Although I am trying hard to live with this regret, somewhere I still feel very much attached with Miss J. Anu, sometimes, I cry silently and pray to Krishna and Radhey maa to help me live atleast till my mother is alive. Anu, this regret is gradually deteriorating me and I am now deciding to remain single through out my life. I feel even if I marry someone, It will be my body which will marry but my soul will not. That's why I don't want to destroy someone's else life as I have no right to do so. Awaiting your valuable thoughts. Hare Krishna !!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let's split the issue at hand here distinctively into two areas.
1. Confusion as to what you want in a partner in marriage
2. Misplaced emotions stemming from a decision not made by you

First, make sure you know what you are looking for in a partner. Your post/email suggests to me that you haven't been able to figure out Miss J and Miss H, working or not-working...Both the ladies has mentioned this to you separately which means they have spotted the confusion as well.

This is bound to push a woman away as she would want her life partner to be sure of what he wants in a marriage. Being on a marriage portal, make sure your profile reflects what you want and that is indeed what you want. You cannot go back and confuse yourself and the person who shows interest in you.
So, first take time off to go back to the drawing board and list down what you want in your life partner.
Next, in arranged marriages, the families involvement is going to be heavier right from the first go. So make sure that the core value systems of both families are similar before choosing to proceed with an alliance. Social media matches are not the truth; there is no fairy tale stories of 'happily ever after'. So clarity first and if you need to rework the profile on the matrimonial site, then please do so.

Now, how on earth did you place so much on time and emotion on a woman that you possibly met once? Did she promise to marry you? Isn't it your own doing of actually letting your heart loose and having feelings for someone who under no circumstances made any commitment to you? So, now letting yourself believe that it's not possible to find anyone else, is something that you are fooling yourself with. Pick yourself up NOW. There's a world out there and am sure there's someone out there for you as well.

Pursue this time with clarity and with that you will understand when the matters of the heart can come to knock. So, you are not destroying anyone else's life but you are certainly destroying your peace of mind over this. Time to dust it off...

All the best!