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42-year-old man unsure how to proceed after arranged marriage meeting

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |349 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Aug 16, 2024

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Asked by Anonymous - Aug 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello Mam, I am 42 male , met a woman 33 for a marriage discussion through parents arranged marriage set up. We started talking and after talking though there were some aspects we admired about each other and found that both of were totally complementary to each other - strengths of one was the weakness of the other. But we both have different life perspectives as well. However, she seems to have been hurt deeply from the previous marriage and has animosity and anger towards certain people type and towards certain situations. She goes into extreme uncontrolled anger when those topics are discussed, her trust on people seem to be too low. after 1 month she said this relationship cannot be taken to marriage citing my past medical history as a high risk factor. I said fine and was happy to move on.. she says though it is a NO, she has invested emotionally and needs time to move on , so until then I should continue to talk to her as a friend. So i continued talking ( over phone only) ..after few months when I got scolded during her regular outbursts.. i decided to stop and move on.. but she pleaded and told me that i should help her by being her friend and motivate her until she finds back a job, which she has resigned 6 months back to heal from depression. I am in dilemma if i should continue to support her or it is best to move on with no contact though it may be painful to her.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

It's amazing that you are supporting her through the breakup, but aren't we forgetting that you broke up too? I'm sure it must have been hard on you too. It is not your job to help her move on from a relationship that she chose to break. It's unfortunate that people have hurt her in the past, but again, the onus is not on you to fix it. You tried fixing something you did not break and that's awesome but don't break yourself in the process. If there were unresolved issues, the best course of action would have been to work on them first and get into a relationship later.

You have done as much as you can, but if it is too much for you, or you simply don't want to continue talking her through the breakup, you can stop right away. You don't owe your ex-partner your unconditional support. Please understand that.

Best Wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

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I'M 40 years old man, i have had troubled childhood. I faced abuse from my elder brother who later on developed mental health issues whiich broughg lot of stress to the family. I worked very hard to achieve reasonable professional success but my personal life has been very difficult. I got married with lot of difficulty despite being well placed professionally and decent looks. It was an arranged marriage but things went bad after a year. I caught my wife having an affair with her ex but i fogave her for the sake of myndaugher who was just 1 year old then. She keept on having flings with gym instructor and later on her colleagues which i dont have any proof of. She would humilate me in front of my maid driver and other people. But i wanted ti save my marriage for the sake of my daughter who was only 4-5 years old then. Finally she started asking me for divorce after every trivial fights. Fed up i finally agreed and we separated in 2021 November. During that time i came in contact with my school friend. She proposed to me during our school days but due to stress at home and other issues i said no but i always liked her. When we started talking around December 2021 and we realized we still love each other after 20 years. But problem was though i was divorced she was still married and she is from a different religion. She is trying hard to get separated from her husband but her family being very conservative is not allowing her to do so. I'm stuck with her emotionally. Now my ex-wife has started approaching me for reconciliation. Im totally confused now what should i do? Should i wait for my friend knowing that chances are very slim that her family would leave her. Or should i patch up with my exwife for the sake of my daughter. I dont feel any emotional connection with my exwife now as she was never nice to me. But my parents are telling me to go for patch up. They are nkt aware about my school friend and i doubt they would approve her due to religious beliefs. Pls guide me I'm totally confused. Thanks A confused Homo Sapiens
Ans: Dear Pratik,
At this point in time, choose neither. You need space to clear your head first.
Too many emotional situations to jump into one more...Give yourself time to figure out what is that you want out of life?
Do you want to get into another commitment in a short gap? It could be an attraction on a rebound as well; so take time to figure these things out well before you decide to patch up or wait for your friend.
You deserve this time off, to make sure that you not only heal from the marriage but also put things in perspective.
So no need to bring on a new confusion for the time being till you get strong enough in the mind to decide the next course of your life. Making a choice right now means you will be bringing in more confusions of either of the two women into your life as well. So, PAUSE and take this time...

Best wishes!

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |366 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 15, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 14, 2023Hindi
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Hi , I am Jose. I have a very complicated relationship issue. I loved a girl when I was about 18, she was from a financially better off family. This was a major reason that I hesitated to tell her about my love, instead remained a friend. She was better qualified too. I started working and wanted to be in a financially better situation before I confessed my love for her. In the meanwhile she got herself admitted in a college in the US, I decided to tell her, but was too late, she had already committed herself to her senior in college. We made a promise to each other that we will remain friends. We kept in touch through letters. Then I decided to get married as per the family wishes. Shortly she too got married to her boyfriend . We told our partners about each other. We continued to keep in touch thro email and phone calls once/twice in a year. We would meet once or twice every time she would visit from the US. We never had any physical relationship at the most it would be a peck on the cheek or just holding hands. We immersed ourselves in our personal / professional lives. We had 2 sons with our partners. Now the boys are in their 20's. In the meanwhile she found out her husband was having a relationship with some other woman, in the ensuing arguments it led to their divorce a couple of years back. Since 2021 I had 2 heart attacks, and survived. All these years I never had a happy life , we stayed together due to societal pressures and in the last 2 years we never had a physical relation too. She always had a hatred towards physical relationship. I hate forcing myself on her, so we have remained seperate in the last few years. After my 2nd attack, my friend helped me stop my smoking and somehow our chats on whatsapp or personal meets when she comes here have started becoming very mushy and with a lots of deeply loving words. I know I cannot divorce my wife as I would lose a lot of my immovable properties on which i depend for my rental income as I have actually gifted my wife a lot of my properties. Nowadays I am getting drawn towards my friend again and very strongly. Confused, and not knowing how to proceed. I am no longer working and depend on rentals for my earnings.
Ans: My dear friend,

It sounds like you're in a very complicated situation, and it's understandable that you feel confused and unsure about how to proceed. It's important to take some time to really think about what you want and what's best for you, as well as consider the impact of your actions on those around you.

First, it's important to acknowledge that your friend is currently in a vulnerable position after going through a divorce. While it's natural to feel drawn towards her, it's important to make sure that any actions you take are respectful and considerate of her feelings and needs.

At the same time, it's also important to consider your own needs and desires. You mentioned feeling unhappy in your current relationship and feeling drawn towards your friend again. It's important to really examine those feelings and think about what it is that you want in your life and your relationships.

However, it's also important to consider the potential consequences of your actions. You mentioned that you cannot divorce your wife without losing a significant amount of your income, and that you've already gifted her a lot of your properties. It's important to consider the financial and emotional impact that divorce could have on both you and your wife, as well as any children or other family members who may be affected.

One possible option could be to explore couples therapy or marriage counseling to see if there are ways to improve your current relationship and address the issues that have been causing unhappiness. It's also important to communicate openly and honestly with your friend about your feelings, but to do so in a way that is respectful and considerate of her feelings and needs as well.

Ultimately, the decision about how to proceed is up to you, but it's important to take the time to really think things through and consider all the potential consequences of your actions.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 18, 2023

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Relationship
Hi Anu, I’m 45 male and my wife is 44, we have been separated due to opinion difference through court she filed three cases on me , after that she with draw all cases by taking Alumni, since two years I have been wishing her on her birthday, recently two months back I wished on her birth we have small conversation asked about ourselves , like did I get married to other women or did she got married to other man. After that conversation she started talking , daily we chat looking at this I put a proposal saying that if she is willing to come back and start our life she is open for it. But she says she does not have any intension of getting married to any one she want to stay alone for life long. Sometimes she shows so much love and affection caring sometimes she completely ignore me as if am a stranger, I’m unable to judge her mood strings day by day my stress levels are going high could not control my emotions and anger I express it on any one. Please do suggest shall I be optimist and wait for some more years and its better to leave her on her own path.
Ans: Dear Prasanna,
For the time being, it appears that the separation is helping the two of you reconnect at a better level than when you stayed together.
It is a good thing as it will patch up wedges and also teach you both to appreciate one another and respect your differences.
I suggest that you let this be for a while now till it reaches a place where the two of you are cordial with one another and set aside the animosity and quell the ego. Then you can put your proposal forth to her of moving back together. She may want it or may prefer the status quo (like she has mentioned to you that she wants to stay alone). Either case, once a connection is filled with love that it is meant to, there not be a definite label or construct to that connection. So, wait for that suitable time to know where her mind is...till then enjoy the time together as a 'dating phase' and relish the moments.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Madam me and my wife were married for 13 Odd Yrs and have been blessed with 2 kids aged about 12 and 8 respectively, while things were quite good but my wife addiction to social media ( FB / Insta ) spoilt entire relationship and she making up friends who are totally unknown spoilt her and also found out in the long run she was involved with other men, eventually we got divorced and kids custody was given to me but after about 2 Yrs i realised my kids needs support of an mother at home as it was making things difficult for me as a single parent to manage, thereby i happend to meet a person who had advertised thru marriage portal, though she was a widow with 2 kids, felt she cd be able to handle it better as her kids have lost their father, felt this would work, first few months she was quite okay later on she starting unnecessarily issues and made sure my kids return back to their biological mother as they felt things were more comfortable over there, and this partner of mine expects me to show love attention only to her and her biological kids, though she doesnt say it straight, her reactions and unnecessary disputes and fights after me visiting my kids or meeting them or even if i have gone to visit my mother or had lunch or dinner with her, make her feel very restlesness, i have always told and advised her to maintain good relationship with my family, but due to her arrogance and ignorance my own family members have distanced her and continue to talk to me or meet me outside, she has gone to the extent saying she wants to get out of the relationship and i had borrowed money due to my hardtimes and she keeps saying she wants money to be returned so that she steps out and want to stay independently with her kids, I am also fed up and completely lost being away from my kids and my mother Is it advisable to go for divorce or just seperation will do, or can a bond paper specifiying that i have returned her money and have ended this relationship and no claims further will be entertained, can i have this - Pls guide, its better to stay single and take care of my own kids and mother than being away from them and taking care of other kids as own...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's a lot of mess...where and how things went downhill is something that you surely know. Take care of the children first. The kid are caught in the middle of all of this.
Yours and hers as well...
Sadly, she hasn't matured to understand the concept of embracing your children as her own but wants to cling on to you and literally draw a wedge between you and your family.
RED FLAG, right there...

Now, you need to think about how all this is affecting the children and the impact it is having in your daily life. Is there a way by which this lady will be able to understand that you all will be one big unit; children, the two of you and your family and hers as well...If she is prepared for this, then it gets easy on everyone but if her insecurities are going to get the better of her, this is a bigger mess that you could have ever imagined.
Have a frank talk and clearly state the people who are important to you and that you wish to be connected to them just as she wants her children to be a part of her life.
Hear what she has to say and then I guess, you will know what to do as your ask and want is clear in your mind. The best relationships are the ones that bring people together and nourishes them.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |387 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Oct 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 12, 2024Hindi
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Hi, age 40 years, monthly net salary Rs 85k, married , 1 kid. Recently have constructed new house. Ground floor commercial shops, and 1st floor residential 2bhk flat were we stay. Home loan 1.05 cr with monthly EMI of 85k for next 30 years & All current savings exhausted due to new construction. Commercial shops have potential for monthly rental income of 60k to 70k.please guide on below for strategy: 1) how to close home loan in next 10 years 2) considering 60 as retirement age, need corpus of 8 cr to fund kid education, marriage and for rest of livelihood.
Ans: Hello;

1. Immediately let out the commercial shops on long lease with yearly rent hikes. This is crucial to fund your loan EMI.

Assuming this to yield rental income of 70 K per month.

You will still need to shell out 15 K for the EMI amount from your income.

2. So after deducting EMI cut from your monthly pay we are left with
70 K.
Earmarking 30 K for your regular expenses, I suggest you start a monthly SIP of 40 K in a pure equity mutual fund with yearly top-up of 11% minimum.

This may grow into a corpus of 1.47 Cr after 10 years part of which you may utilise to settle off the overdue loan amount.

3. The balance corpus left after settling the loan is expected to be around 54 L. At this stage you will need enhance monthly sip to 1.5 L with 13 % yearly top-up for the next 10 years.

4. The corpus from SIP after the next 10 years may be 6.3 Cr. The balance corpus of 54 L may grow into a sum of 1.83 Cr. Both added will give you a comprehensive corpus of 8.13 Cr, as desired. ( A modest return of 13% from pure equity mutual funds is considered).

Happy Investing!!

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |3811 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Oct 13, 2024

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Career
Sir the median package at ssnce for cse core is less than rvce ise .So does it make more viable option considering placement in mind .I have a dream of becoming software engineer from my childhood. But my seniors are advising for rvce ise.what to do should I follow my dream or placement.I am a Bangalore resident and Tamil is my mother tongue.
Ans: Ashwin, my son, graduated from RVCE in 2023 and secured employment through campus placement with a reputable software company. Despite being among the highest achievers in COMEDK, he opted for ECE instead of the more accessible CSE. We did not compel him to join CSE. Following his second year, he progressively shown an interest in software and obtained several certifications through NPTEL, Internshala, and similar platforms. Regarding his experience, while ISE is commendable, CSE is the superior option. Simply enter 'RV placement statistics 2024'. Select the initial result to get the Placement Statistics of RV directly. The top placements are for Computer Science Engineering, followed by Electronics and Communication Engineering, and then Information Science Engineering. The recommendations of your seniors, your personal interests, and the branch with the highest placement statistics are distinct considerations. Kindly review the Course Curriculum for both CSE and ISE and make a decision. Kindly review one of my detailed responses below, in which I have explicitly outlined the stages, recommendations, and methods that a first-year engineering student should adhere to till their fourth year for campus placement. All the BEST for Your Prosperous Future.

To know more on ‘ Careers | Education | Jobs’, ask / follow Us here in RediffGURUS.

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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