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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 21, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
sk Question by sk on Mar 18, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

My father & uncle started business 50 yrs back. I have joined 30yrs back. I kept working from 9 am to 5 pm under Uncle. Now around 2011 ,Uncle son joined .Till then everything was alowed & fine except core part was not allowed to handle by Uncle.After 2011, slowly my cousin started taking operations of factory under him . When I protested ,Uncle used to say he will see ,but did nothing about that. AlthoughUncle is genius as well as my Father ,but my Confidence started tumbling after 2019. When his son (lets say A) made whole work force according to him & I was cornered .As challenge I in 2020 started some operations to complete production & it run well until 2022. But they (Factory staff) introduced as if I was buyer of those components. It kept on untill uncle showed the debt as in lacs for me while he getting all support for his production from Everyone &My father tensed but doesnot retaliate. What should I do?

Ans: Dear SK,
Well, you need to build your territory and being a family business, boundaries have never been clear...It seems obvious that your uncle favors his son over you and your father does not want to ruffle feathers by standing up for you...then you stand up for yourself.
What position that you have earned through your hard work must be acknowledged...if it isn't and it's going to lead to a family rift, then maybe it's time for you to build something for yourself by expanding the business within or outside. It is difficult to balance relationships within the family and at work; somewhere emotions come in the way of doing what is right and just. So, play it safe and start looking at how you can expand your work profile and enhance what you can bring to the business exclusively through your skill sets. This helps pass a message down the organization as to you being an expert in that particular area. If this fails, well...let yourself shine where you can and must...

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 14, 2022

Relationship
Hello Anu,I am under severe confusion and frustration. Wanted to consult with some psychiatrist but then I got to know about you. I have an issue with my father.I'm a 29 years old working man.My family background was not good, my father was the sole bread earner in the family of 9 including my uncle and grandparents.But my father invested in his children.He gave us a good education.He sent me for IIT coaching in Kota. I couldn't clear IIT but cleared AIEEE.Today I'm earning a lot. I'm a software engineer with 7+ years of experience in IT in a big giant firm earning Rs 62 lakhs an annum. But the picture does not look like it is.My father takes all my money.Literally he does that.He has been doing it for last 7 years, every single month.He has taken my all salaries till now, 80+ months' salaries to be precise.And his modus operandi is- he knows my monthly in hand salary after deductions, which is around 3.5 lakhs now.He calls me around 25th of the month saying 'Don't use the salary. I need 4 lakhs this month. He asks me more than my salary, then says ‘okay you don't have this much, so give me as much as you can.’Earlier when my salary was Rs 85,0000, he used to ask for Rs 1 lakh.When salary became Rs 2.2 lakhs he used to ask Rs 2.5 lakhs.I keep approx Rs 15-20,000 for myself and give the remaining to him.Why do I give him all my money?Because I have this feeling that whatever I am today, it's all because of him.He went against all odds to educate us, otherwise I would have been a poor kid somewhere in my village doing farming.The sad part is, he does not use this money for himself.If he would have used it for his needs I would have been the happiest person. He gives loans to his relatives free of cost.People come to my father and request that they need money for some XYZ reason. They say you have a lot of money, your son is earning so much, so please help us. My father says okay.He calls me and says that he has given his word, now he can't step back and I will have to arrange the money. And this money never comes back.Till now nobody has returned a single penny.When I ask my father, he says ‘it's okay, you will earn more. They can take only your money, not your destiny.’I'm not exaggerating but I don't have even a RO filter in my home. I spend Rs 1,500 on water.I'm fed up with all this.I had a discussion with my father regarding this many a times that I can't keep doing this.He says What will you do with the money? Tell me the item you want, we will purchase it for you.So far I have given more than Rs 1 crore. I'm such a fool.I don't want to spoil my relationship with my father but at the same time I also want him to understand that I'm a human not a money-making machine.The problem has started now, because now he is doing the same with my younger brother as well.He recently started his job after college, and earns around Rs 55K.My father takes 50K from him and has deliberately kept him with me so that we can save on rent and he can keep the money.Till now when he was taking my money, I was not so much hurt.But now when my brother is giving money, I can't bear it. He is a small kid who does a lot of hard work and even his money is taken away.I cannot share this with anyone.I keep asking myself if I'm a bad son who thinks like this about his father.But I can see the reality which is very discouraging.I'm not able to digest the fact that this is actually happening.Please suggest what I should do.Should I tell this to someone? But then the other person will think bad about my father which I don't want.I'm lost. Please suggest me something.
Ans:

Dear RS,

If by now you haven’t figured out that you are being used for playing the role of a good son, then when is it going to dawn on you?

It feels unreal even if your father took all that money for himself without realizing that his son needs his hard-earned money to set up his life. But here, it’s going to relatives and everywhere.

And now, it’s the turn of your brother too.

There is really no need to set this example as an older brother to just bend over backwards for your father. Instead, change the role and let your brother do the same.

Take charge of your finances and share what you deem fit with your father that covers his expenses (assuming that he is retired).

This way, you will fulfil the duty of being a good son taking care of his father. Beyond this, save your money and invest it wisely and please spend on yourself.

What will you do when you marry?

You think your wife is going to support this flow transaction of money between you and your father?

And when she tries to reason out with you, either you or your father will blame her for being selfish. In fact, she will only be looking out for your wellbeing.

So, before this gets even more murkier, make a point by sitting your father down and asserting that you are taking charge of your finances and reassuring him that he will always be taken care of.

His need to please his relatives by giving away your money has to stopped.

This might be met with a lot of resistance from your father, but you know what is to be done. Else, this will grow even with your brother and get progressively worse. So, step in NOW.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 21, 2023

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Dear Khevna Shah I am in the business of my father's after his death with my uncle for the last 15 years and so and when my father died my age was 22 and I was a simple, shy and fear boy and was happy and i am doing the accounts job and i was not taking my salary on monthly basis or yearly basis means i want to say that i take 200 or 500 or sometimes 10000 to 20000 as per my requirement and sometimes i have to give it to my mom for her personal expenses. After two and half years, i was having problems with my uncle due to professional reasons and i was talking to him at that time and discussing all the problems and business related issues facing by me and he was listening but not responding to my problems during these years and after passing of two and half years i tried my best for talks, discussion but i was not getting any response from his end and after that period i stopped myself for any talks, discussion and sharing with him and I was prepared to left him and go elsewhere and do something new or do a job or start a new business on my own as we were are living in joint family and still we are in joint. Mam i did not left him and he provided me a new business and I became the proprietor of that new business and i didnot have any idea of that new business and when i engaged in that business i came to know that this business is all runs on liabilities for around three months to six months and depends on how you capture the market with low competitive rates and that time was new and i was not having any distributorship also and the business went on losses and i have beared losses for almost lakhs and lakhs of rupees. So, I closed the shop and again started doing account job in my father's business with my uncle as all the decisions related to business was taken by my uncle and same problem which i was facing in my early stage was repeated and the days were passing as it was passing previously. Now when corona came in the world, we were all lockdown in our homes and in that time we were all of our family members lockdown in our home. In that period we were all fighting with the corona that when will corona go and when we will go outside again and when will our normal life will start we were talking about our works of home should be divided. In that period all the works were divided and when lockdown was over and we were slowly slowly coming back to normal. Our joint family divided and now we are separate but our business is not separate and i am getting the salary fixed after our separation. Now the problem is that the salary fixed is not upto the mark and i am facing financial crisis at my end and our relation are so so and i am facing heated conversation with my wife related to money problems as i have to give her the money for household activities, personal expenses, my child school fees, admission fees and other activities related to school and i am very much exhausted with all the daily dose. So, therefore what will be my steps to go forward regarding the issues with my uncle and the problems which i am facing right now and have a peaceful time.
Ans: Dear Ashish,
Time and again you have been waiting for things to change in your favour. Your first sign was when your uncle's resistance at doing or thinking anything good for you.
Good nature of yours to trust him and still keep at it, but I guess now being in your 30s, should tell you that you need to make your life yourself and on your own terms.
Don't hang around thinking that the tides will change for you; instead change things the way you want by breaking free. Now. how you want to do it; is something that you need to discuss with your wife and decide. You have been far too dependent on this dream world that your uncle is going to make things happen and will be kind to you.
Be kind to yourself and now ask yourself:
- how can I revive my financial position on my own?
- what support do I need and from whom to achieve this?
- how can I keep myself motivated every day as I change things for the better?

The time has also come to have a clear chat with the person controlling the business. It gets messy when the family is divided and the business is still joint. Money troubles are never going to have clarity ever in this type of an arrangement. So, take matter into your own hands without fearing the outcome and think of only how you can have a better and peaceful life. The answer will be crystal clear to you.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 18, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 13, 2023Hindi
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My age is 42 years now. I am an elder son in my family, then my sister and two younger brothers. My father was a clerk in state govt. office. Being an elder son I did all my duties at par with my father. I spent my entire 9 years’ salary on my family, it includes sister marriage, brothers education (Engineering/Polytechnic), their coaching for competitive exams, books other monthly expenses. Under my guidance they both got job. I also performed co-applicant to Education loan to one of my brother. But now my father, mother and brothers betrayed (Beyimaan). Because my younger brother’s wife was selected in state govt. job and my wife is not employed. They kicked off us from their house. All it happens like TV serial. Now my wife also get job in central government under my guidance. My family member also did same with my younger brother and kicked - off them also. Now they ask me to live with them. I am very much in stress. I want to totally detach with my family. I want to close my all relationships with them. I also don’t want my father’s property. But every now and then they call me. They never help me. We live in same city. Please help me out. I don’t want to be part of B. P. and Sugar patient. I want to be a Vinod Khanna dialogue Parva Nahi from film Dayavan.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Time for you to do things for yourself! It may seem selfish at the beginning but taking care of yourself and your needs is self-care above everything else...
For once put your needs before everyone else's and resist any sort of manipulation from family. Serving themselves was their agenda at your expense; why still allow it?
Firmly refuse moving in with them as it won't take them long before they kick you out when things are not in their favour. You have the ability to be by yourself and support yourself...maintaining a healthy distance in fact helps relationships grow stronger. So, time for you to be kind to yourself...

All the best!

..Read more

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Career Counsellor - Answered on Jul 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 20, 2024Hindi
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Sir, i have completed my bachelors (BCA) in India in an engineering college and wishes to pursue my masters in a foreign country.My family is'nt well off so iam looking into schlorships.can you suggest some courses with good scope. Also which countries are best for IT field that provide great schlorship oppurtunities.
Ans: As far as Scholarships for Abroad Universities are concerned, you should have good scores from the entrance tests (whichever will be applicable according to the University's admission criteria), good past academic records, your extra and co-curricular activities, additional certifications, your Statement of Purpose (SOP), Letter of Recommendation etc. Those who have gained work experience of a minimum 2-3 years after graduation get preference in admission.

And most of the Universities do not provide 100% scholarships. You will have to bear some expenses (depends upon which University / College you get admission into & what all expenses only it will cover?) .

As you have mentioned that your parents NOT well-off financially, it is suggested to work for 2-3 years, earn some money and also gain work experience, then go for further education abroad.

Before approaching any Professional Abroad Education Consultant, do a thorough research about the Countries/Universities/Programs, shortlist those which you think will be most suitable, apply to 5-6 top Univerities offering Scholarships and finalize one best University/College for you.

All the BEST for Your Bright Future.

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