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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1201 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 01, 2024
Relationship

Hi Anu, I have been reading since long the advices you give to others expecting that there can be an identical issue which i am suffering, i am 48yrs and my wife 42yrs married for 22yrs & having grown up children, over period of time my wife has become more dominating expecting me to listen and follow everything what she says, everything was going fine for until last six years when she was following me as a dutiful wife, since last 6-7yrs she is disinterested in sex also, i sit and speak with her trying to address all the issues, but things get back to ZERO within days, she has turned very short tempered and egoistic, shouting and using foul language in rage at times, we both are highly educated and give lectures at college with limited reasonable income, the problem is she compares her life to others and disturbs our life, ours is a marriage against parents so both the side relatives are little indifferent and we are not extroverts or that persons who are outgoing to change all that, we just lead our life within ourselves and try to help the relatives whenever they come to us. My question is that is it not cruel for a wife to deprive the husband of sex and develop unreasonable expectations comparing the lifestyles of others. when at peace my wife suggests that i can look outside for sex and she is ok with it but i don't believe in it and in her words, at times in rage she keeps asking for divorce uttering foul language, i keep reminding her that emotions, anger and rage shall only aggravate the issues we should know what we actually want and seek it speaking to each other, i feel that my wife doesn't know what she wants from herself or from me or from life, Anu, Is this all that pre-menopause frustrations which is building up or is it some mental issues which are surfacing due to negligence from me or our relatives? Please suggest? Thank you

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let's understand it in 3 ways..

1) Whether your wife is in pre-menopause or perimenopause or menopause stage can be determined only by a doctor. A lot of material floats on the internet convincing people of one over the other BUT it's important to get it validated by a doctor that will help your wife understand what is going on with her body and how it impacts her mind...

2) It is also possible that the current sex routine maybe boring to her and infusing it with some spice can get things going? So, think out of the box here...

3) Also, you might want to think if the emotional bond between the two of you has broken down; women respond to sex easier when they feel emotionally connected and safe with their man...

What will be useful in your situation is: to reconnect with her and aim to connect with her emotionally. This will help her in conveying to you what might be the problem and then it gets easier to solve it or take necessary steps...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 16, 2023

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I am 33 year old and my wife is 2 year elder than me, we married in 2014 and we have a son who is 5 year old. But i noticed from last 6 years she didn't interested in me. I tried a lot to make her smile many times i do what she want, even if i do something i want she never be so happy. I done a conversation with her a lot about that but she said she is not fit, she always think about her anxiety and cervical issue. We hardly do sex sometimes maybe once in a month, she never ask me to do, she try to hide her feelings her lot i ask many times to be open. She just show anger on me many times on small topics, even she picks issues and those are very small. I ask already do you like to take divorce then tell me, but she didn't replied and angry again. She just give a excuse that i am not well having cervical pain, even we go to many doctors. Many times she is watching reels and Kdramas she keep ignoring me. What should i do ? Sometimes i think i should find someone outside for my happy life ? Because like that i kill my feelings and myself i think that because this is not compromise for family as i think ?
Ans: It is sad to hear that you are experiencing this in your marriage. It's important to understand that a lack of interest or intimacy in a marriage can have many different causes, including physical and emotional issues. It's also important to remember that communication is key in any relationship, and it sounds like you have tried to have conversations with your wife about your concerns.

However, it's also important to recognize that if you are feeling unfulfilled and unhappy in your marriage, seeking intimacy outside of the marriage is not a solution. Infidelity can cause irreparable damage to a relationship and can also be emotionally devastating for all parties involved.

Instead, I would encourage you to continue to communicate with your wife about your concerns and explore different ways to address the issues that you are experiencing. This may involve seeking counseling or therapy together, or it may involve taking steps to address any physical or emotional issues that are impacting your wife's interest in intimacy.

Ultimately, the decision to end a marriage is a deeply personal one that should be made after careful consideration and with the guidance of a professional counselor or therapist. If you feel like your needs are not being met in your marriage and you are considering divorce, I would encourage you to seek the support and guidance of a qualified professional to help you navigate this difficult process.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1201 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 02, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu, I am 45 year old and married from last 16 years and having 15 year old daughter . My Wife and I didn't have a good relation, We fight a lot, not sure what ever I speak she didn't like it and some how converted into argument , My wife is 10 year younger to me , I used to have good sex life at-least few year back, but relation was not good that time too, some how she is either having feeling of superiority or not sure what , She always blames me or my daughter if any things happen, she didn't ready to accept that she can be wrong . Previously even we used to have fight but overall things was fine , she used to generally fight but some how we do makeup after fight , now situation is out of control, she didn't accept her mistake and try to blame me for all the problem , she do over spend and if I try to control she start fighting, I think she just fight for what ever things she need for her selves , but always criticized / blame other , She pick up fight very easily with any one , She even fight a lot with our daughter . Even daughter some time suggest to go separate road than only she will understand , I try to go for concealing but no help , there also when used to discuss problem she hardly listen , even Councilor told her she must develop habit to listen others but nothing improve, I am not sure how to tackle this , She always sleep alone and if any disturbance she create ruckus , she want the things her own way if not than she can't tolerate . I am not sure but I need help here and problem after covid is more now , I try to manage these things previously but looks I don't have patience to handle this any more, I didn't like people blaming for no reason, it looks some time after doing so much for family I am nothing for my family and it is hurting me more. I will not say that I didn't fight , I do and mainly when I feel broken I shout on her and some time asked her to live the house , This may be as she always says she is looking for some one once she find she will leave the house , She always give threat and always say she didn't love me , She didn't find me attractive enough . She try to create environment where I should feel that I am not important person as well as social , I can write 10 more page around this but wanted to have some solution , not sure what could be best here . I wrote previously too but have not got any response yet.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I suggest that the two of you go and see a marriage therapist. This is not simply the job of a counselor; there is clearly a breakdown in the way your marriage is functioning...it needs both of you to build the marriage back again and the therapist will be able to see and review both sides and suggest/guide you two correctly.

10 or 20 pages are not going to help; what will help is that both of you sit down and think of why you are married and what you can do to rebuild it. Blaming her or yourself isn't anyway going to help...Rather than listing down each others' faults, try to work at this.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1201 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 01, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 28, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello Anu, I am married for over 20 years. My wife has anger issues. Firstly, she gets annoyed with anything or everything. Secondly, she cannot control her anger. I had always taken a stand that I have to manage the marriage so what is the need of getting into confronting mode. Many a times, divorce crossed my mind but I could not gather the courage. Then tried to manage the situation by agreeing to everything and not sharing my opinions. I feel the home is like a prison. I feel uncomfortable when she is around me. I used to be a very social and jovial personality. Now people say I don't talk that much, the wittiness I had has vanished. I used to sing, record my own songs, take part in cultural events and activities. But now all gone. What ever I speak when we meet at family and friends get together, there is a complete postmortem of every sentence and intent. My elder son now says that I should keep my foot down. I am pushed to pass on all my salary to my wife's account and then have to ask her for any spends that I do. Over and above that every spend for her is un-necessary. I have multiple times tried to talk to her.. she says 'Whatever you say, I will not agree and you know that so don't waste your time in convincing me rather change yourself and do what I am saying'. It is becoming vicious and taking a toll on my energy. I feel like staying out of the house. But when around friends she behaves nicely.. Don't have answers. I want to take her to councellor so as we both can get advise. But she says, change yourself we will be happy. I am not going to change. I mean I am not asking her to change, but just be emphathatic. Am I asking for too much. I also agree that I may have flaws I am no perfect but no one is, why then am I looked upon to be a perfect person? V
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It is a difficult situation to be around someone who has issues with anger and in this case it's your wife!
Anger is just a call or cry for help. Have you seen a child display anger and throw his/her toys around just to get their mother's attention?
Now, what is it that you wife lacks is something only you will know. She feels a certain lack in her life.
It could be lack of achievement, lack of self-worth, lack of a healthy self-esteem, lack of healthy nutrients in the body, lack of good quality sleep, lack of useful social environment.

I also believe what and who we surround ourselves with will define how our day goes and how our life will pan out. Now, because she fails to see the role of a counselor, you are forced to work at this on your own. So, start by trying to find out:
- what area of lack is she in?
- what triggers her anger episodes?
- how does she come out of these episodes?
- are the people/friends around her very different from her value systems?
- when was the last time she had a general check-up to see if all the health parameters are good?
- how actively has she pursued a career or a hobby?
- how many hours of sleep does she get?
- does she eat nutritious food that's meant for her age?

Since you are on your own with this, get deeper into this; I do agree your feelings are on the back-burner BUT till you sort this, it's going to haunt you. Sometimes the display of anger is much bigger that forces us to believe that the problem is a big one. It could just be a simple cause...Only when you try to identify it, will you know how and what it is.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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in Uni. a girl have feelings for me and i also have feelings for him, are feelings are strong, she try to caught my attention for long and i ignore her due to some reasons, than she went in relationship with other guy but still looks at me with hope and gives me green signal, when i purpose and apologize she took one whole day to reply and said no, and block me, and than she gives the mix signal like getting nervous infront of me, than our education program cam to end, and in farewell she show interest, and smile and try to maintain the eye contact which i broke twice, than in farewell she made glimpse on me and when she conform that i am looking at him in farewell she dancing in farewell like nothing matters for him, next day during last exam i am waiting for him outside the exam hall, her friend came and in signal me to move from there, after that we parted because our program have ended, and in confession group i apologize to her and said i will approach her after a year when i sort mu all the issues, but she don't reply instead she start mirroring insta bio, put same things and quote in her bio which i had put despite the fact i said him that i will approach her after a year, and she keep the bio mirroring, i send her following request which she don't accept and keep the bio mirroring, what should i do, I have some disease from which i suffering and i don't want her to suffer with me, but i am also recovering very fast that's why i told her to wait for me for 1 year, so that we start our new journey. WHAT SHOULD I DO WAIT FOR HER
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Either one of two things is happening- you are reading her intentions wrong because so far she has made no verbal confirmation of her interest in you. Or, she is deliberately giving you mixed signals to manipulate you and keep you on the hook. I'd say the first one might be an honest mistake but the second comes very close to a toxic trait. I'd suggest you to be careful in dealing with this person. If she does not directly admit that she is interested in you, do not approach her. Consider her blocking and rejecting you as a final NO, even if it might not be so. Do the right thing, even if she isn't.

If she likes you, let her approach you. If that doesn't happen, focus on moving on. After all, you have not been in a relationship or have deep emotions for her. From what you have said, it seems like you barely know her. You deserve someone who is clear about their feelings for you.
Best Wishes.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |360 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

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Relationship
Hi, I am not yet mairred. I used to like a man and after a month we decided to get married. He was of my caste so I thought my parents won't deny this mairrage. I used to talk to and wanted to let him know everything about my past so that we can built a strong root of our relationship. I spoke every detail of my past life to him. Then before he proposed me for mairrage I went for a vacation with my male friend to dehradun. I didn't tell him that day as he didn't proposed me till that day then why would I tell everything about me to anyone. He was noone to me at that time. After that he came to visit me in Delhi and on the same when he was on train a friend of mine along with his fiance came to meet me after a very long time. I asked him and he didn't denied. After returning home he blocked me. I cried and cried, called multiple times but he didn't received my call. Even I went to his location and waited for almost 3 hr but he didn't came. Then I asked my sister to call him. Then he talked to me but he said me so much of harsh and vulgar words that I went in shock. I cried a lot but he went on humiliating me. But somehow I convinced him to stay with me. I never talked to that friend ever. Then I told my parents about him that I want to get married with this men. Being a girl's father my father enquired about him by being annonymous. And trust me noone has said anything good about him. Later on we get to know that his father has a murder case on him of his brother in law. But then I wanted to get married. Finally my parents agreed only for my happines. Meanwhile I was never being respected by him. He always doubt me, humiliate me, abuse me mentally and physically, and when I was like I don't want to be with you he used to say sorry and begged me to be with him. He even used to restrict to visit my uncle aunty. His mother wants used to defend him and never used to make him realise that he was wrong. Then before engagement we went to Kolkata to buy dress. Yes one more thing I have informed him on the very first day that I used to drink and smoke occassionally. So whenever he used to visit me he always wanted to drink with me whether I want it or not. He always used to abuse me and humiliate me in front of everyone after drinking, so after a period of time I used to avoid drinking. Then he used to fight with me for that also that why will you not drink. In kolkata the same thing happen. We stayed there for 3 days and he was convincing to go to club from the very first day but I refused. On 3rd he hit me. After engagement his family asked for dowry. After a lot of dealing my parents agreed for an amount. But I felt betrayed. I stopped talking. After after when I initiated the conversation he picked up a fight and said he won't marry. I tried to convince. But when everyone was blaming me then I broke my silence and said everything about him to my parent. But he manipulated everything and made me villain. My parents want me to get married What should I do
Ans: Dear Akriti,
After reading your question I can only give you one advice, please do not marry him no matter what people say. Even if we overlook every other red flag that he has exhibited, abuse of any form is unacceptable. Why are you trying to convince your parents to marry a guy who hits you? Do you think you deserve it or anyone, for that matter, deserves that?

Now, no matter who tries to manipulate you, or however much they try to convince you, get out of the relationship for the love and self-respect you have for yourself. It is a big decision but in your case, it is worth making that big decision. I'd normally never tell people they should this or they shouldn't do that, but in your case, no sane person would ever suggest you marry this man and be subjected to abuse for the rest of your life.
Please make the right choice.

Best Wishes

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |360 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am dating a person for 5years when we are doing internship. He is always there whenever I need any support and help in my bad time. He will protect me and loves me a lot. It is my first dating experience initially when we start dating we have intense attachment but I thought we would not be remain together for much longer time. I was always interested in good looking handsome man he is not that fair and handsome. Also he is from different caste and region(he is Bihari and I am from Uttarakhand) and in his family he has mom and sister(they are finding a match for her).I don’t know if I should marry him or not. Because I am not comfortable with his family(his mother is somewhat very concerned about his son not captured by any girl). So I think it will be a struggle for him to convince her. But my question is it is worth to go for love marriage if the boy loves you a lot but still I think there is gap with the criteria of being handsome which I dream as a young girl story even our bonds are getting stronger Please suggest what to do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Appearance does not last a lifetime. Are you sure it is that important for you? After all, you fell in love with a man whose appearance isn't his best quality. Makes me wonder if you are just giving into the societal construct of wanting to marry for good looks.

Next, if you are concerned about your future in his house, it is best not to rush anything in terms of getting married. Think about it; have a clear discussion with him about the kind of future he can offer you. Love isn't the only thread that holds onto a relationship.

I cannot tell you if you should pursue this relationship, but I can tell you that you shouldn't break up with someone because they are not fair or handsome by your standards.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

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