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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 15, 2023

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 01, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Anu; This happened a long time ago. But i still need to get it off my chest. Over 15 years ago i used to chat with a boy Mr. Y on social media/ messenger. Both of us were in early twenties. We used to talk till late nights on messenger and i thought it was more of a one sided thing and i thought i was the only one who was emotionally involved. Until his brother once approached me saying that Mr. Y will never tell me about his real feelings for me since he is incredibly shy and introverted. And whether i wanted to take this forward . Anyway his Dad didnt really approve and Mr. Y didnt know about this either. We continued to chat on messenger and also met a few times but only with friends. We had also exchanged numbers and would send forwarded messages to each other; nothing personal. Over the next year the messenger conversations fizzled out and we would only exchange forwarded messages. He never did ask me out even once. However i heard from common friends that he was saying stuff like i am inundating him with mesages; and how he was really not into me. But he never asked me to stop sending forwarded messages either. One day he messaged me saying that he will be going out of country and then he didnot message me or stay in contact with me for almost a year. I changed my location to another city after a year( work) and did mesage him just updating about my new number. He then got in touch with me; visited me once all by himself( apparently he had some work in this city) and asked me out . I asked him why now and he replied that he had asked a close friend of his; and the friend had adviced him to ask me out. We spent some time together and next day he told me not to tell his other friends that we had met. By this time i was quite fed up and the year that he did a dissapearing act I was seeing someone who was confidant and wasnt afraid of showing his affection for me. So eventually i told Mr. Y that i am seeing someone and then we barely met after this. A year later; on his social media account i saw his conversations with another where he told about his love for a girl and how it did not progress since he never declared his feelings for her. Anyway what i need to know 1) why did he ghost me? 2) If he did love me as his brother proclaimed; why did he boast to his friends that he I was chasing him? 3) is this person narcissist? 4) Did i totally misjudge the situation? Somehow after all these years; I still fell i was misled or wronged and at times i feel that i dodged a bullet! I want someone i.e. You to give me a fresh perspective. We are not in touch now. Sometimes things trouble you later in life and this incident probably is one of those. Would appreciate if you could shed some light. Anju

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
1) why did he ghost me?
Why do people ghost others? Either they are not interested or are embarrassed with that someone or are unsure about them.

2) If he did love me as his brother proclaimed; why did he boast to his friends that he I was chasing him?
His brother told you, he didn't right? And it's great to boast to friends about a girl chasing him right? It pegs him right on top within his social circle.

3) is this person narcissist? - That is something that needs more contexts to come to a conclusion. But, from what you have shared, he seems to love to control the happenings in his life, his way irrespective of how it might impact you. Walking in and out of your life at his whim, is a red flag for sure!

4) Did i totally misjudge the situation? - Quite possible that you did. But hey, maybe you were just playing to what you saw and responding to it. He seems unavailable and available when he feels like. Do you want to be available for a person who lacks basic respect for your time?

Also, the fact that he did not declare is feelings for the other girl should also tell you that he did the same with you as well. He is perhaps not ready for a commitment. Why waste time and energy on someone like that? Why chase someone who likes to be chased but won't stop to think of whether he can make a commitment? He seems to love the attention but will not reciprocate the same.

This might give you a perspective on what you have been doing so far and what must you do from hereon...

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 27, 2022

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Hi Anu, How are you? Hope you are doing well. So my situation is: I'm 23 years old. Due to my extremely toxic past experiences in relationships, I chose to be single to bring a balance in my life. I have been single for almost a year now. But last month I was on a sabbatical. I had travelling plans but I had to cancel everything due to the rise in the covid19 pandemic. I joined a dating app (I swore that I would never use a dating app. But then this year I wanted to do something that I would never consider doing. So I decided to join a dating app just to see what goes in there). I wasn't looking for any relationship or anything like that. I was mostly fine with my single life (except the physical intimacy part of course). Then I got matches with guys. But I had no interest in any of them. I chatted with a couple of them but got bored within minutes. I matched with a guy and started talking to him. He seemed nice from the start. I could connect with him very easily. We were on an equal intellectual level. But that was just day 1. From day2, he was not really into the conversation. He was only answering my questions, not really asking anything. But while talking, he clearly told me that he wasn't into relationships or dating currently as he broke up 1 year ago and needed time to clear his mind space. I didn't really care about all this stuff since I wasn't looking for anything at all. But his prosaic interview type answers were very irritating and I had to get back to my work too. So I deleted my profile without apprising him anything and by that time we already connected on IG. But after that conversation, he was kind of all over my mind. It was really difficult for me to focus on my work for the next 2-3 days. So I thought if I text with him for 2-3 days, I would be fine probably. But when I texted him on IG, he wasn't surprised that I’d deleted my profile on that dating app without even telling him anything. Moreover, he was texting in a very formal manner. After a while, he stopped replying. I didn't text after that. I was done with him.Since that day, my mind has been craving for his attention. I know that he isn't the guy I should spend my time with no matter how good I found him initially. But my focus and concentration is really getting affected by his thoughts. On VDay I thought maybe he was going to ask me out(because last month he made it conspicuous that he was going to meet me on V -day). But he is a ghost now. Please tell me how do I erase his thoughts from my mind totally so that I can focus on my work as I have piles of work to get done.
Ans:

Dear SD,

Ghosting of a high order.

Why exactly were you anticipating him to give you all the attention?

Why were you craving for validation from someone who you haven’t chatted or met with?

Why did you base so many emotions on a ‘connection’ that wasn’t one in the first place?

Dating apps are an ocean of people who have different needs to be met and distractions are heavy.

Every moment, the mind is seeking an association with a new person in the hope that he or she will be better than the previous one.

How did you expect him to feel the same way as you did at that very moment? Maybe it’s time to introspect what you learned during your sabbatical.

Did you pour enough self-love so that you wouldn’t wait for someone else to love you? If No, then time to step back and validate yourself for ONCE.

You must learn to look at yourself with a fresh pair of eyes, laud yourself and love yourself even more.

Fill yourself with so much care are love that the next time, you are on an APP, it’s for a very good reason and with a lot of confidence that you can hold your space and not get swayed by who is messaging or who isn’t!

Life offers you with so many opportunities to change from within; start right away and as far as this “Ghost Guy”, even if he is back, he will scout around for more greener pastures as far as an unsteady mind goes.

So you possibly might just be one of them. Investing so much time in all of this is straining.

Join groups that meet often and on a common theme and maybe you might find someone interesting and someone who has similar values and ideals as you.

Good luck to a new way of thinking and acting!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 23, 2022

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Relationship
Hi mam, I am a 19 years old girl. In 2019, after my 10th boards, I came across a guy in FB. He was 9 years older than me. He seemed to be a really nice and helping guy. And he also belonged from a prestigious university pursuing his research. After my 10th, I started preparing for entrance exams. So, he used to motivate me, give me validation, encourage me to do better in my mocks. It all happened online. I haven't even met this guy till date. At that time, he showed me the dream of targeting the best college of India of which I hadn't even thought of before. And I was also so motivated that I started studying hard. Besides, I started emotionally depending on him for validation. He is such a manipulating guy, that slowly I started falling in love with him. He told me that we should wait and see what the time decides. But, slowly he showed his real colours. He was just interested in 'friends with benefits' type of relationship with me. I strongly disagreed on it. Then days and months passed, his validation, manipulation, toxic and provocative words made me stand before an existential crisis. I used to cry out for the entire day. By 2020, during the lockdown phase, staying back at home, dealing with these sh***y things and exam pressure pushed me into depression. He made me insecure about every single thing... My academics, studies, results, my looks, my innocent nature, my previous success, my future.... every single thing. I eventually came to know he was just interested in sharing his life stories, getting an emotional support in his life, a good timepass element, hoping to get intimate with me someday. Moreover he was just interested in successful girls and ladies. So, all I thought at that period was that I have to succeed in my entrance exam at any cost and then everything will be alright.Unfortunately, I could not make it. I failed to qualify in my first attempt. I went into a severe depression, had to attend some online mental health rehab and counselling. To add salt to my wounds, the guy disclosed that he has been in a relationship since the past 1 year. And he is very happy. I broke down completely. For 5-6 months I could not study anything. I have an exam just round the corner. How can I just forget whatever happened and focus on my work? Please help and guide me... I am still having emotional breakdowns very frequently.
Ans:

Dear AI,

The nature of a virtual relationship can be the way that you have mentioned.

What is being shared virtually may not be reality and it is difficult to spot this.

Now that you know, isn’t it a lesson learned not to rely on anyone outside of you for your own happiness?

Did you have to study hard just so that you fit his choice of ‘successful’ women/girls?

Can you not work hard to live your dreams?

What you lack is self-love! Something that you didn’t focus on because you were working hard to prove how relevant you are in his life so that he chooses you.

Even if this relationship works, it will be his call always and other than strive hard to be in his life, there’s nothing that will grow in it.

Moreover, isn’t it a red flag when he revealed that he has been in a relationship for over a year?

Time to get back to yourself. Value yourself more, love yourself more…if you don’t, no one else will!

Start every morning doing these little things:

  • in gratitude for being alive
  • list down 3 things that you love about yourself
  • do one thing that you love at least for 15 minutes everyday
  • spend time in Nature
  • surround yourself with people that love you

These are tried and tested methods to get you out of a low phase.

Again, love yourself more and yet again!

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 10, 2023

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Relationship
Hi Anu; I had an altercation with a friend which was followed by him apologising about the same. The next day he stopped all communications completely. However when we met a month later he was absolutely sweet as if nothing had happened. At the same time he didn't keep much contact at all. He is very nice and courteous on watsapp and at other times when ee meet in person looks through me as if I dont exists at all. On phone whenever we have spoken with each other; he is absolutely charming. It is obvious that he doesnt want to be in touch. Let me add that there is no romance involved. Why do people behave the way they do? Hot one moment and cold the next? Its obvious he cannot stand me; but I wish he would stop playing games and be his normal self at all times. Keeping watsapp conversations charming but not interacting face to face is pretty confusing for me since I am straightforward person. Can you give your opinion regarding the same? Frankly speaking I feel he is a drama king and thrives on it. And honestly I dont really want to keep in touch but sometimes we do meet because of common friends. Just thought of asking you about this. Do some people always like to play mind games? Take care!
Ans: Dear Rajani,
Firstly let me put all your thoughts (assumptions) in one place. Assumptions are statements based on perceptions and not facts which sour connections and breaks relationships.
These have been picked from your question to me.
1. It is obvious that he doesn't want to be in touch
2. I wish he would stop playing games
3. I feel he is a drama king and thrives on it

This is your reading of the situations based on the way you have understood it. How much of this is true? Could it be your version of the truth?
Also, you have stated that you don't want to keep in touch; then why are you?
And if you really didn't want to, why is his playing games bothering you?
My suggestions:
1. Be clear if you want an association with him. If Yes, please clear out the air, so that there is no room for assumptions anymore.
2. Do understand that sometimes people are on eggshells after an altercation; he possibly is also carrying a lot of assumptions about you in his mind and that's why he's hot and cold alternatively.
3. Give the benefit of doubt to people; they might be going through something that you makes them behave in an odd way.
3. Drama King or not, there's a lot of unsaid discomfort between the two of you; do get into a non-judgemental space so even if the two of you don't patch up, it can be an amicable goodbye.

Steer away from assumptions and it makes room for either rebuilding a relationship or part ways on a good note.

All the best!

..Read more

Mohit

Mohit Arora  | Answer  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Jun 02, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 01, 2024Hindi
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Hello, I am Afrin . I met this guy 3 years back through a dating app . We used to talk on weekends initially for few months . Then I started falling for him and I told him about it and that i would only like to continue if there is a future as we we can get married, he said he is Hindu and I am Muslim so it won't be possible for him so I strictly asked him not to contact me again as we want different things , after that we didn't talk for 4 months , and 4 months he called me again . I picked up , talked for two three weeks only on weekends and the same question i again asked he again said it won't be possible and I again told him not to contact me and he again stopped calling or texting me . After 6 months of this ,he again called ,I picked up. This time he said , he is moving to foreign country so it might be possible for him to marry . I believed , we kept talking now 3,4 days a week . We both were happy ,and enjoyed talking to each other , then finally after 2 years , he came to meet me from a different state . We met, i brought some of my friends with me . We spent 5 days , bt after 3 days ,I saw him behaving rudely .. I tried talking to him and I got to know that , since I was talking to my friends in our language , he misunderstood us thinking we were may be making fun of them . On 4th day , when my friends left , I went to his room and saw him using dating app .. I asked him to show me his phone he didnt show me and we had a heated argument. And he left me alone in that room , and the next day he had his flight .. i saw, he blocked me the day he left me in that room . I tried contacting him for the first in this two years but he blocked me every where . So , this way for 6 months I was blocked , after him unblocking me ,he neither called me not texted me , and I also didn't try to contact him . After after 1 year of him leaving me in that room, he called few days back , I picked up , and the way he was talking i dint like it as I could sense he was expecting the things from me which are against my values . And by now ,I lost feelings for him . So the first day I could say anything, the next day i told him clearly that i don't have feelings for him anymore , so if he is expecting something else from me he won't get it . If he wants to remain as friends he can ,rest I don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore . And after two days he again blocked me . What should I do if he again calls me ? Should I just block him now ? Or should I talk to him normally?
Ans: Don't pick up. Move on. Don't talk to him. Start meeting other guys

..Read more

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |387 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Oct 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 12, 2024Hindi
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Hi, age 40 years, monthly net salary Rs 85k, married , 1 kid. Recently have constructed new house. Ground floor commercial shops, and 1st floor residential 2bhk flat were we stay. Home loan 1.05 cr with monthly EMI of 85k for next 30 years & All current savings exhausted due to new construction. Commercial shops have potential for monthly rental income of 60k to 70k.please guide on below for strategy: 1) how to close home loan in next 10 years 2) considering 60 as retirement age, need corpus of 8 cr to fund kid education, marriage and for rest of livelihood.
Ans: Hello;

1. Immediately let out the commercial shops on long lease with yearly rent hikes. This is crucial to fund your loan EMI.

Assuming this to yield rental income of 70 K per month.

You will still need to shell out 15 K for the EMI amount from your income.

2. So after deducting EMI cut from your monthly pay we are left with
70 K.
Earmarking 30 K for your regular expenses, I suggest you start a monthly SIP of 40 K in a pure equity mutual fund with yearly top-up of 11% minimum.

This may grow into a corpus of 1.47 Cr after 10 years part of which you may utilise to settle off the overdue loan amount.

3. The balance corpus left after settling the loan is expected to be around 54 L. At this stage you will need enhance monthly sip to 1.5 L with 13 % yearly top-up for the next 10 years.

4. The corpus from SIP after the next 10 years may be 6.3 Cr. The balance corpus of 54 L may grow into a sum of 1.83 Cr. Both added will give you a comprehensive corpus of 8.13 Cr, as desired. ( A modest return of 13% from pure equity mutual funds is considered).

Happy Investing!!

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

...Read more

Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |3811 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Oct 13, 2024

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Sir the median package at ssnce for cse core is less than rvce ise .So does it make more viable option considering placement in mind .I have a dream of becoming software engineer from my childhood. But my seniors are advising for rvce ise.what to do should I follow my dream or placement.I am a Bangalore resident and Tamil is my mother tongue.
Ans: Ashwin, my son, graduated from RVCE in 2023 and secured employment through campus placement with a reputable software company. Despite being among the highest achievers in COMEDK, he opted for ECE instead of the more accessible CSE. We did not compel him to join CSE. Following his second year, he progressively shown an interest in software and obtained several certifications through NPTEL, Internshala, and similar platforms. Regarding his experience, while ISE is commendable, CSE is the superior option. Simply enter 'RV placement statistics 2024'. Select the initial result to get the Placement Statistics of RV directly. The top placements are for Computer Science Engineering, followed by Electronics and Communication Engineering, and then Information Science Engineering. The recommendations of your seniors, your personal interests, and the branch with the highest placement statistics are distinct considerations. Kindly review the Course Curriculum for both CSE and ISE and make a decision. Kindly review one of my detailed responses below, in which I have explicitly outlined the stages, recommendations, and methods that a first-year engineering student should adhere to till their fourth year for campus placement. All the BEST for Your Prosperous Future.

To know more on ‘ Careers | Education | Jobs’, ask / follow Us here in RediffGURUS.

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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