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Anu Krishna  |966 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
VS Question by VS on Oct 19, 2022Hindi
Relationship

 Hello mam,
(I want to remain anonymous )
I want to ask regarding my relationship with my husband.
We got married in 2013 and after a month and so...
He started saying I shouldn't mingle with Muslim friends who were my colleagues in my office. I told him they are good people and we've never had such kind of differences. But he got angry and from here one by one he started picking fights for each and everything.
Since we are newly weds, I asked if we can explore new nearby(one day trip)places during the weekend, which he didn't do.
My parents lived nearby and since we used to stay at home they'd call us on weekends for lunch or dinner. He started fighting for that also.
He also started body shaming me saying I have gained weight (and everyone in his home are commenting about my weight). I had only gained 3 kgs after my marriage.
He said I have relationships with colleagues even after my engagement, which was not the case. Later he said I shouldn't go out for lunch meetings arranged by the company for the whole team. He said I'm wasting time in the company and there is no bright future.
I tried to find a job outside but I couldn't cope up with the demeaning and exhausting behaviour in the house and non-stop workload in the office.
I agree I was a bit lazy to find a new job but I couldn't do it. In 2015 I left the job and was jobless for 2 months (this happened drastically after a big fight in his hometown that too for trivial reasons). During these two months he made my life a living hell.
He would fight for the smallest of things. I had to take care of the house, his younger brother and sister.
There were times when we fought because I took care more of his siblings and not him (I used to wonder why he is being hostile when taking care of his family).

In 2016 we started our family planning and by God's grace we had baby in 2017.
Even when I was pregnant he used to pressurize me to ask my mom to come and take care of me but my mom used to work in a different city and I was thoroughly taken care by my granny and my father. He had problems with that as well.

When he started fighting for this matter, I asked him to bring his mother (I knew it was not possible because it's difficult to leave the home and come take care of me) but he kept on saying weird things and insulting my mother saying she is dominating, irresponsible.
After having the baby he left me in his hometown for 1 whole year saying that till I prepare myself for the interview and find a new job he will not live with me.
I kept begging him, fought with him and even tried to commit suicide because I didn't want to live there anymore after 8 months.
I just wanted to come back and have my family which he denied saying he has financial problems.
Ultimately I had to pressurise my parents to intervene and take me and my child to their home.
Whenever he felt like seeing his daughter he used to come. Otherwise he totally ignored us.
My parents and I begged him to come home and stay but he refused (we had a tight financial situation so we couldn't afford a house).

My father arranged a small home without any amenities to keep his house's unwanted things.
My husband said he will stay there and not in my parents’ house for which I objected. Yet he stayed there for almost 6 months.
Later I found a job and moved to a new house.
When the pandemic hit I lost my beloved father and my job. I could have saved him but my husband did not allow me to go to my parents place even after explaining to him the situation that my parents are facing. My father did not die of Covid but due to medical negligence. He wanted me to cook and take care of his family in his hometown.
He suggested my mother and brother to take leave of two months and sort out all the legal activities which they couldn't.
My brother had to leave for his job overseas and mother back to her job. She used to come every three weeks and ask for my help to get things done. He got angry for that and kept on blaming me that I only take care of my family and not him.

After my father's death he started insulting my mother. He even made his father to call my mom and talk cheap with her and my brother.
Fast forward to now, we have been fighting non-stop and every week there will be a fight, name calling, vulgar words exchanged. He stops talking to me for months together and there has hardly been any physical or emotional intimacy.
Even after I confess, cajole and plead with him to sort out our family, he agrees momentarily and again within a week there will be a new topic to fight on in such a way it goes to extremes.
This roller coaster ride -- the fights in our relationship -- has affected my child immensely and sometimes for the sake of the child we plan not to divorce each other. But I'm guilty that I'm not providing my child a healthy environment. That I'm not a good wife. I'm confused whether I should continue in this relationship or quit it for the betterment of the three of us because I cannot take this emotional abuse and have my child watching me cry non-stop.
Please guide me if my husband will change in future. Should I try counselling or do I divorce him? Because whenever I keep my hopes positive, he goes back to his old ways.

Ans:

Dear VS,

You are married to a man who gets his self-esteem and validation by showing you in poor light, exercises control by telling you who your professional/social circle should be, makes you weak by detaching you from your parents and those who are your support system.

Does this put things into perspective for you as to where you are in within your marriage?

Once you fulfil the above, he might be willing to somewhat accept you, but there will be constant new demands to keep his self-esteem high. It’s all about him, him, and him.

Does he need to visit a professional who can guide him to a better way of thinking? Yes, but that will happen only when he acknowledges his false sense of existence and flushed ego.

If that is possible, do visit a professional who can help him ably and then he might be able to see the marriage in a new light and his contribution towards it.

Till then, this seems to be a battle with a child who is adamant about getting one candy and then another and yet another and then crying out loud when denied.

The child is absolutely growing up in an emotionally challenging environment and this will obviously affect his growth, both physically and emotionally.

I am glad you have been thinking about what to do and now you know what an absolute must-have for the marriage is, to continue.

He must change the way he thinks and acts and treats you like his partner and not someone who was married to him for his sense of validation and self-esteem.

Be wise, watch and decide!

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |966 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 05, 2022

Relationship
I want to keep it anonymous.I am a 30 years old independent woman married for 5 months only.My husband and I were in same college but were not friends.He had been approaching me for getting married since 2017, but every time I had rejected his proposal, later in February, 2021 I talked to him openly and mentioned my inability to conceive if we get married.To which his response was that he really liked me and is ready to accept me with my inability.I made our families met and we got engaged.During the one year of courtship period, initial 4-5 months were peaceful, but he and I were missing a bond, yet we thought may be with time we will find it.After the initial phase as we started meeting for family functions.He started finding flaws in me. Things like, I stare at other men when I go out, I don’t give him priority, why do I talk to any male friend beyond necessity, why do I praise my senior at office parties etc.He started controlling me in these areas and used to get angry if I talk to my siblings late night.I started feeling trapped and suffocated, and always under the fear that any of my action could make my husband angry.In that anger he seemed like a very different person, someone aggressive.We started fighting, arguing over petty things.He wanted me to change but I was reluctant as those were very normal things for me and I started telling him that this relationship is not working.We are two persons with different mindset and ideologies and since we are unable to reach to a solution over any issue, let’s call it off.I tried to call this wedding off for like 6 times, but he never agreed to this stating that he loves me and he will change his attitude and will not stop me from doing anything.Whenever I tried to break up with him he'd start crying, stating things like you are my only happiness in life, and I would die without you and all.I involved my family into the matter and shared things with them.They used to call my husband to make him understand my expectations from him.In front of them my husband used to admit that he would change his behaviour.He used to stay calm for 5-6 days and then continue with the same attitude.Basically, it was an on and off behaviour from his side and because of that my behaviour was also affected.I was trying to see his positive side as he had accepted me with my inability, so he must be a good person.Somehow, after so many issues, we got married.After marriage, we went for honeymoon, but he showed a different attitude.He started insulting me that I stare at other people, including the waiter.He would fight with me aggressively, and when I cry he'd calm me down stating that this fight is my fault; had I not done this he would not have fought; had I obeyed him he would not have gotten angry. Then he used to make love to me.For 4 days this happened continuously.On the 4th day I told him I cannot stand him and bear his mind numbing torture.If he sees so many flaws in my character we must part our ways, and there is not point of staying together.He agreed but later he started apologising, asking for another chance to this marriage. I agreed.But his behaviour didn’t improve much. We used to live with his parents, he started taking active participation in local politics which used to keep him busy.He started controlling me indirectly for visiting my moms and relatives.He'd taunt me for not sharing my salary with his parents.Later I found out his work is not running smooth and he is not making enough.The issue of staring at men and shaking hands with men while greeting congratulations, was also an issue to him.He'd remain normal as long as I did things as per his wish.If I said or did anything opposite, he'd get aggressive and disrespectful towards me.Love was nowhere around. He never said I am a good looking woman. My husband rarely complimented me though I get many whenever I go out.He seemed not to be bothered about me except for the time I do something he doesn’t like.My mom also supported him. His behaviour started taking a toll on my mental condition and I started feeling uncomfortable around him.I stopped being physical as I was feeling emotionally detached.The fights had broken me, my bare minimum expectations were not fulfilled.My husband also broke relations with my family and was disrespectful to them.Initially he had promised that I will be free to visit my mom whenever I want and he will not seek my salary ever or doubt my character, but nothing turned to be true.After 4 months of torture, I came to my mom's place and told my husband that I cannot live with him.I actually feel much better without him. As soon as he knew that I am leaving him he has surrendered and is admitting that he made mistakes and doesn’t want to lose me.He says I am his only hope in life and he loves me a lot and can’t live without me.He does the same emotional drama every time I try to part ways with him.My family is pressurising me to give him another chance. But my trust is shattered beyond repair.He made my cry, he pushed me into depression.I do not respect him. He accepted me with my inability, but I feel he never liked the real me.He is not ready to admit this fact that we have not been good for each other.To me he seems like a male chauvinist, a dominating and controlling person.He stays grumpy most of the time, behaves well with others but is arrogant with family members.What do I do? I am in utter confusion, I am unable to force myself into a love-less marriage and my family and husband doesn’t understand it.(I am a government officer and my husband runs a small business)
Ans:

Dear MK,

This is a classic case of crying out, blaming the spouse for the crying and sending her on a guilt trip, promising to do better, not following through and when she walks out, crying out again.

It's cyclical and traps you within in the loop.

He really needs to work out his stuff with a professional, else this is going to be something that you have to deal with repeatedly.

To not be able to take responsibility for his actions, shifting blame onto you, acting insecure and preventing you from leading your life the way that you are used to -- like talking to your family and friends -- are all red flags.

Step up, take charge and suggest that he goes to a professional if he wants the marriage to work.

If he doesn’t and continues the same way, you know what you must do to secure yourself and your life.

All the best!

    ..Read more

    Anu

    Anu Krishna  |966 Answers  |Ask -

    Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 05, 2022

    Relationship
    I want to keep it anonymous.I am a 30 years old independent woman married for 5 months only.My husband and I were in same college but were not friends.He had been approaching me for getting married since 2017, but every time I had rejected his proposal, later in February, 2021 I talked to him openly and mentioned my inability to conceive if we get married.To which his response was that he really liked me and is ready to accept me with my inability.I made our families met and we got engaged.During the one year of courtship period, initial 4-5 months were peaceful, but he and I were missing a bond, yet we thought may be with time we will find it.After the initial phase as we started meeting for family functions.He started finding flaws in me. Things like, I stare at other men when I go out, I don’t give him priority, why do I talk to any male friend beyond necessity, why do I praise my senior at office parties etc.He started controlling me in these areas and used to get angry if I talk to my siblings late night.I started feeling trapped and suffocated, and always under the fear that any of my action could make my husband angry.In that anger he seemed like a very different person, someone aggressive.We started fighting, arguing over petty things.He wanted me to change but I was reluctant as those were very normal things for me and I started telling him that this relationship is not working.We are two persons with different mindset and ideologies and since we are unable to reach to a solution over any issue, let’s call it off.I tried to call this wedding off for like 6 times, but he never agreed to this stating that he loves me and he will change his attitude and will not stop me from doing anything.Whenever I tried to break up with him he'd start crying, stating things like you are my only happiness in life, and I would die without you and all.I involved my family into the matter and shared things with them.They used to call my husband to make him understand my expectations from him.In front of them my husband used to admit that he would change his behaviour.He used to stay calm for 5-6 days and then continue with the same attitude.Basically, it was an on and off behaviour from his side and because of that my behaviour was also affected.I was trying to see his positive side as he had accepted me with my inability, so he must be a good person.Somehow, after so many issues, we got married.After marriage, we went for honeymoon, but he showed a different attitude.He started insulting me that I stare at other people, including the waiter.He would fight with me aggressively, and when I cry he'd calm me down stating that this fight is my fault; had I not done this he would not have fought; had I obeyed him he would not have gotten angry. Then he used to make love to me.For 4 days this happened continuously.On the 4th day I told him I cannot stand him and bear his mind numbing torture.If he sees so many flaws in my character we must part our ways, and there is not point of staying together.He agreed but later he started apologising, asking for another chance to this marriage. I agreed.But his behaviour didn’t improve much. We used to live with his parents, he started taking active participation in local politics which used to keep him busy.He started controlling me indirectly for visiting my moms and relatives.He'd taunt me for not sharing my salary with his parents.Later I found out his work is not running smooth and he is not making enough.The issue of staring at men and shaking hands with men while greeting congratulations, was also an issue to him.He'd remain normal as long as I did things as per his wish.If I said or did anything opposite, he'd get aggressive and disrespectful towards me.Love was nowhere around. He never said I am a good looking woman. My husband rarely complimented me though I get many whenever I go out.He seemed not to be bothered about me except for the time I do something he doesn’t like.My mom also supported him. His behaviour started taking a toll on my mental condition and I started feeling uncomfortable around him.I stopped being physical as I was feeling emotionally detached.The fights had broken me, my bare minimum expectations were not fulfilled.My husband also broke relations with my family and was disrespectful to them.Initially he had promised that I will be free to visit my mom whenever I want and he will not seek my salary ever or doubt my character, but nothing turned to be true.After 4 months of torture, I came to my mom's place and told my husband that I cannot live with him.I actually feel much better without him. As soon as he knew that I am leaving him he has surrendered and is admitting that he made mistakes and doesn’t want to lose me.He says I am his only hope in life and he loves me a lot and can’t live without me.He does the same emotional drama every time I try to part ways with him.My family is pressurising me to give him another chance. But my trust is shattered beyond repair.He made my cry, he pushed me into depression.I do not respect him. He accepted me with my inability, but I feel he never liked the real me.He is not ready to admit this fact that we have not been good for each other.To me he seems like a male chauvinist, a dominating and controlling person.He stays grumpy most of the time, behaves well with others but is arrogant with family members.What do I do? I am in utter confusion, I am unable to force myself into a love-less marriage and my family and husband doesn’t understand it.(I am a government officer and my husband runs a small business)

    ..Read more

    Anu

    Anu Krishna  |966 Answers  |Ask -

    Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 05, 2022

    Relationship
    I want to keep it anonymous.I am a 30 years old independent woman married for 5 months only.My husband and I were in same college but were not friends.He had been approaching me for getting married since 2017, but every time I had rejected his proposal, later in February, 2021 I talked to him openly and mentioned my inability to conceive if we get married.To which his response was that he really liked me and is ready to accept me with my inability.I made our families met and we got engaged.During the one year of courtship period, initial 4-5 months were peaceful, but he and I were missing a bond, yet we thought may be with time we will find it.After the initial phase as we started meeting for family functions.He started finding flaws in me. Things like, I stare at other men when I go out, I don’t give him priority, why do I talk to any male friend beyond necessity, why do I praise my senior at office parties etc.He started controlling me in these areas and used to get angry if I talk to my siblings late night.I started feeling trapped and suffocated, and always under the fear that any of my action could make my husband angry.In that anger he seemed like a very different person, someone aggressive.We started fighting, arguing over petty things.He wanted me to change but I was reluctant as those were very normal things for me and I started telling him that this relationship is not working.We are two persons with different mindset and ideologies and since we are unable to reach to a solution over any issue, let’s call it off.I tried to call this wedding off for like 6 times, but he never agreed to this stating that he loves me and he will change his attitude and will not stop me from doing anything.Whenever I tried to break up with him he'd start crying, stating things like you are my only happiness in life, and I would die without you and all.I involved my family into the matter and shared things with them.They used to call my husband to make him understand my expectations from him.In front of them my husband used to admit that he would change his behaviour.He used to stay calm for 5-6 days and then continue with the same attitude.Basically, it was an on and off behaviour from his side and because of that my behaviour was also affected.I was trying to see his positive side as he had accepted me with my inability, so he must be a good person.Somehow, after so many issues, we got married.After marriage, we went for honeymoon, but he showed a different attitude.He started insulting me that I stare at other people, including the waiter.He would fight with me aggressively, and when I cry he'd calm me down stating that this fight is my fault; had I not done this he would not have fought; had I obeyed him he would not have gotten angry. Then he used to make love to me.For 4 days this happened continuously.On the 4th day I told him I cannot stand him and bear his mind numbing torture.If he sees so many flaws in my character we must part our ways, and there is not point of staying together.He agreed but later he started apologising, asking for another chance to this marriage. I agreed.But his behaviour didn’t improve much. We used to live with his parents, he started taking active participation in local politics which used to keep him busy.He started controlling me indirectly for visiting my moms and relatives.He'd taunt me for not sharing my salary with his parents.Later I found out his work is not running smooth and he is not making enough.The issue of staring at men and shaking hands with men while greeting congratulations, was also an issue to him.He'd remain normal as long as I did things as per his wish.If I said or did anything opposite, he'd get aggressive and disrespectful towards me.Love was nowhere around. He never said I am a good looking woman. My husband rarely complimented me though I get many whenever I go out.He seemed not to be bothered about me except for the time I do something he doesn’t like.My mom also supported him. His behaviour started taking a toll on my mental condition and I started feeling uncomfortable around him.I stopped being physical as I was feeling emotionally detached.The fights had broken me, my bare minimum expectations were not fulfilled.My husband also broke relations with my family and was disrespectful to them.Initially he had promised that I will be free to visit my mom whenever I want and he will not seek my salary ever or doubt my character, but nothing turned to be true.After 4 months of torture, I came to my mom's place and told my husband that I cannot live with him.I actually feel much better without him. As soon as he knew that I am leaving him he has surrendered and is admitting that he made mistakes and doesn’t want to lose me.He says I am his only hope in life and he loves me a lot and can’t live without me.He does the same emotional drama every time I try to part ways with him.My family is pressurising me to give him another chance. But my trust is shattered beyond repair.He made my cry, he pushed me into depression.I do not respect him. He accepted me with my inability, but I feel he never liked the real me.He is not ready to admit this fact that we have not been good for each other.To me he seems like a male chauvinist, a dominating and controlling person.He stays grumpy most of the time, behaves well with others but is arrogant with family members.What do I do? I am in utter confusion, I am unable to force myself into a love-less marriage and my family and husband doesn’t understand it.(I am a government officer and my husband runs a small business)
    Ans:

    Dear MK,

    This is a classic case of crying out, blaming the spouse for the crying and sending her on a guilt trip, promising to do better, not following through and when she walks out, crying out again.

    It's cyclical and traps you within in the loop.

    He really needs to work out his stuff with a professional, else this is going to be something that you have to deal with repeatedly.

    To not be able to take responsibility for his actions, shifting blame onto you, acting insecure and preventing you from leading your life the way that you are used to -- like talking to your family and friends -- are all red flags.

    Step up, take charge and suggest that he goes to a professional if he wants the marriage to work.

    If he doesn’t and continues the same way, you know what you must do to secure yourself and your life.

    All the best!

    ..Read more

    Anu

    Anu Krishna  |966 Answers  |Ask -

    Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2021

    Listen
    Relationship
    I am going through a rough patch in my marriage and need an expert's advice badly since I do not have any elders or family members to help me out. I am a Muslim lady. I had my first marriage to a Hindu guy going against my family, which did not work out and we got divorced mutually. My family has since boycotted me and I am alone with a 14 year old daughter. (Mom stays with me but not much support) I am a working woman, and don't have much issues financially. After a year or so of my divorce, I met a childhood friend of mine after long, we liked each other, we got close and decided to get married. He was already married, but since in our religion, second marriage is legal and the second wife gets equal rights and respect as of first wife, I agreed for the marriage, which we solemnised secretly to not hurt his family (read his wife), but his dad supported us and agreed to our alliance too. It is almost 8 years now since our marriage, my hubby is loving towards me and my daughter, but the problem is he rarely stays with us at nights, he will come in daytime, stay for 4-5 hours, have dinner and leave. Some weekends only, he will stay. Initially I thought with time, it would change, but it's almost 8 years now, but nothing has changed and if I ask him, why he does not stay he says, 'office is far away; difficult to reach on time due to traffic and stuff.' Now, his whole family also knows about his marriage, then also he hardly gives us time and no one from his family contacts me or keeps in touch with me. Since I have been independent most of my life (I don't have a dad, bro or sis), I never asked for money since he also has a family to support. He will never give any on his own, even when I am short, he keeps saying he is in a financial crunch, once business picks up, he will take care of my expenses too. Since I am an only child, I wanted a kid with him, but he kept procrastinating that too, saying condition (financial) is not good right now; additional responsibilities will be an added burden for both of us. I live in a rented flat, while his family has his own (parents' home to be precise). My daughter is now almost 15, and understands quite a lot of things and has started disliking him. I am also at my wit's end now. I am tired and frustrated most of the time, feeling stuck. Any amount of talking and discussion only leads to arguments, and when he calms down, he would say he would try and change his ways but nothing changes. Please suggest what I am supposed to do now. Talking to him is out of question, it’s absolutely no use. I am even thinking of divorce now, (it's) better to live alone than with someone who makes you feel lonely. But I am afraid for my daughter, her marriage, the divorcee tag again and (she) being a laughing stock to society and family again, I do not know what to do. Please help me!
    Ans: Dear K, well, I don’t want to be sounding judgmental here, but your husband seems to have it very conveniently laid out for him right now.

    Two marriages; only one of which is out in the public and no kids from the second one. Nice arrangement, but one that makes you uncomfortable and now your daughter senses it too.

    Ask yourself: what do I want from this relationship/marriage? Write it down clearly starting with the words: I want……… (Do not limit yourself or tell yourself what is possible or not; simply write everything that you want from it)

    Once you have done that, go through it and check how many on the list seem like an absolute must have for you; those are some things that you value and cannot be compromised for anything. If you have already begun to compromise on them, then you have begun to devalue yourself and your future as well.

    Stop right away and NOW. Anything or anybody who moves you away from what is important to you must absolutely not be given a place in your life.

    Since, you mentioned talking to him is not an option, keep this list handy and picture what your life will be without him and check how it feels.

    If it feels right moving on, just DO IT. Strength is in holding onto what you value and stand up for. But of course, if it helps, do try to have that discussion and iron things out.

    Always remember: Value yourself and value what is important to you and let nothing or no one keep you away from that.

    Wishing you a beautiful life!

    ..Read more

    Anu

    Anu Krishna  |966 Answers  |Ask -

    Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 03, 2024

    Asked by Anonymous - May 20, 2024Hindi
    Listen
    Relationship
    I got married to my husband six months ago. I come from a liberal family. We dated for five months before getting married, during which he often got jealous of my male friends, leading to petty arguments. After marriage, everything was fine for the first two months, but then he began doubting my character, accusing me of infidelity, and verbally abusing my family and upbringing. During a particularly bad fight, he grabbed me by the throat. I shouted at him and pushed him away, and he later apologized, blaming his anger. Despite my efforts to prove his allegations wrong and maintain the marriage, I now feel that he will not change, making it difficult to stay with him in the long run. The ongoing issues at home are affecting my professional life. I want a divorce as I have no feelings left for him, but I fear he will make a big issue out of it and try to persuade me to stay. I feel trapped in this marriage. Please guide me.
    Ans: Dear Anonymous,
    Physical abuse is a NO NO...he does has his 'anger' issues which might need to be dealt with by a professional. Have the two of you sought professional help? Are you willing to do that? Will your husband also agree to that?
    But it also seems apparent that you want 'OUT' of this marriage.
    BUT what is not clear to me is: Why the fear that he will persuade you to stay? If you have decided, why would you find it hard to stick to your decision OR there is a part of you that is still unsure.
    Then it's better to be sure and for that try going to an expert. At least you know that you left no stone unturned before taking that major decision.
    And who knows, if things actually start to get better, it might be wonderful, yeah?

    All the best!
    Anu Krishna
    Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
    Drop in: www.unfear.io
    Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

    ..Read more

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    Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 18, 2024

    Asked by Anonymous - Jun 18, 2024Hindi
    Money
    Good afternoon sir,Sir i am 27 years old and my salary is around 80k,i have been working since 1 year and has neither savings nor debt as of now. I am unmarried and my monthly expenses including rent,grocery,water and electricity constitute around 20k,i have emi of 1 yr tenure collectively of around 10k. Ihave monthy expenditure on flights of around 7k.Sir please guide on how to save big and also contribute effectively to my old parents.Thank you sir.
    Ans: It's admirable that at 27, you're keen on managing your finances effectively and also supporting your parents. Starting early gives you a significant advantage for building wealth and ensuring financial security. Let’s develop a comprehensive plan to help you save, invest, and contribute to your family’s well-being.

    Understanding Your Current Financial Position
    First, let’s break down your current financial situation to identify areas for saving and investment:

    Monthly Income and Expenses:
    Salary: Rs 80,000 per month.
    Fixed Expenses: Rs 20,000 (rent, groceries, utilities).
    EMI: Rs 10,000 (one-year tenure).
    Travel Expenses: Rs 7,000 for flights.
    Remaining Disposable Income: Rs 43,000.
    With Rs 43,000 left each month after essential expenses, you have a good opportunity to save and invest.

    Establishing a Solid Savings Plan
    1. Build an Emergency Fund
    Importance of an Emergency Fund:

    An emergency fund provides a financial cushion for unexpected expenses like medical emergencies or job loss.
    Aim to save 3-6 months’ worth of living expenses.
    Start with Small Steps:

    Begin by setting aside Rs 10,000 per month until you accumulate your target amount.
    Keep this fund in a high-interest savings account for easy access and growth.
    2. Automate Your Savings
    Set Up Automatic Transfers:

    Arrange for a fixed amount to be automatically transferred to your savings account each month.
    This approach ensures consistent saving without relying on manual effort.
    Pay Yourself First:

    Prioritize saving as if it’s a non-negotiable expense.
    Transfer funds to your savings as soon as you receive your salary.
    3. Create a Budget
    Track Your Expenses:

    Use a budgeting app or spreadsheet to record all your monthly expenses.
    Identify areas where you can cut back or optimize spending.
    Allocate Funds Wisely:

    Designate specific amounts for savings, investments, and discretionary spending.
    Stick to your budget to avoid unnecessary expenses.
    Investing for Long-Term Growth
    1. Understanding Investment Options
    Mutual Funds:

    Mutual funds are managed by professional fund managers who invest in a diversified portfolio.
    They offer various options, including equity, debt, and hybrid funds, catering to different risk profiles.
    Systematic Investment Plan (SIP):

    SIP allows you to invest a fixed amount regularly in mutual funds.
    It helps in averaging the purchase cost and benefiting from market fluctuations over time.
    Public Provident Fund (PPF):

    PPF is a government-backed savings scheme with attractive interest rates and tax benefits.
    It’s a safe investment option for long-term savings.
    2. Diversify Your Investments
    Equity Mutual Funds:

    Allocate a portion of your savings to equity mutual funds for higher returns.
    Choose funds with a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap stocks for diversification.
    Debt Funds:

    Invest in debt funds for stable returns and lower risk.
    They provide income through interest payments and are less volatile than equity funds.
    Balanced Approach:

    Maintain a balanced portfolio with a mix of equity and debt funds.
    This strategy helps manage risk while aiming for growth.
    3. Set Clear Financial Goals
    Define Your Objectives:

    Identify your short-term and long-term financial goals, such as buying a car, saving for a house, or retirement.
    Set specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART) goals.
    Align Investments with Goals:

    Choose investment options that align with your risk tolerance and time horizon for each goal.
    For example, equity funds for long-term goals and debt funds for short-term needs.
    Managing Expenditures Effectively
    1. Optimize Monthly Expenses
    Review and Reduce:

    Regularly review your monthly expenses to identify unnecessary costs.
    Look for ways to reduce spending on non-essential items like dining out and subscriptions.
    Budget for Discretionary Spending:

    Allocate a fixed amount for discretionary expenses, including leisure activities and personal purchases.
    Stick to this budget to avoid overspending.
    2. Plan for Big Expenses
    Travel and Lifestyle Costs:

    Set aside a specific budget for your monthly travel expenses, such as flights.
    Look for ways to minimize costs, such as booking in advance or using rewards points.
    Plan for Major Purchases:

    Save up for significant purchases rather than relying on loans or credit.
    This approach prevents additional debt and financial stress.
    Supporting Your Parents Financially
    1. Assess Their Financial Needs
    Understand Their Situation:

    Discuss with your parents their financial needs and any existing expenses or debts.
    Determine how much support they require and in what form (e.g., monthly allowance, medical expenses).
    Create a Support Plan:

    Develop a plan to contribute to your parents’ financial well-being.
    This could include regular transfers, paying specific bills, or setting aside funds for emergencies.
    2. Integrate Support into Your Budget
    Allocate Funds for Family Support:

    Include your contribution to your parents in your monthly budget.
    Ensure this allocation doesn’t compromise your savings and investment goals.
    Consider Joint Investments:

    Explore joint investment opportunities that benefit both you and your parents.
    For example, investing in a senior citizen savings scheme that provides regular income.
    3. Encourage Financial Independence
    Discuss Financial Planning with Your Parents:

    Encourage them to plan for their financial future, considering their retirement and medical needs.
    Offer to help them understand and manage their finances better.
    Support with Knowledge and Resources:

    Provide information and resources on managing finances and investments.
    Help them make informed decisions about their financial security.
    Building a Strong Financial Future
    1. Continue Professional and Personal Development
    Invest in Your Career:

    Focus on advancing your career to increase your earning potential.
    Seek opportunities for skill development, certifications, and networking.
    Personal Growth and Financial Literacy:

    Continuously improve your financial knowledge and personal development.
    Stay informed about investment strategies, market trends, and financial planning.
    2. Plan for Major Life Events
    Marriage and Family Planning:

    Consider future expenses related to marriage, starting a family, and children’s education.
    Begin saving and investing early for these life events.
    Home Ownership:

    If you plan to buy a house, start saving for a down payment and research home loan options.
    Factor in long-term costs like maintenance and property taxes.
    3. Secure Your Future with Insurance
    Health Insurance:

    Ensure you have adequate health insurance to cover medical expenses.
    This protection is crucial to avoid depleting your savings during emergencies.
    Life Insurance:

    Consider life insurance to secure your family’s financial future in case of unforeseen events.
    Choose a policy that provides sufficient coverage based on your dependents’ needs.
    Final Insights
    At 27, you have a great opportunity to build a strong financial foundation. By prioritizing savings, diversifying investments, and managing your expenses effectively, you can achieve your financial goals and contribute to your family’s well-being.

    Focus on creating a robust emergency fund and automate your savings to ensure consistency. Diversify your investments to balance risk and growth, and align them with your financial goals. Optimize your monthly expenses and plan for significant expenditures, while also supporting your parents financially and encouraging their independence.

    Continue to invest in your personal and professional development, plan for major life events, and secure your future with adequate insurance coverage. With disciplined planning and a clear strategy, you can save significantly, invest wisely, and contribute effectively to your parents’ needs.

    Best Regards,

    K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

    Chief Financial Planner,

    www.holisticinvestment.in

    ...Read more

    Ramalingam

    Ramalingam Kalirajan  |3809 Answers  |Ask -

    Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 18, 2024

    Asked by Anonymous - Jun 18, 2024Hindi
    Money
    Hi ! I am an 31 year old working in a MNC, My monthly salary is 64000 and my fixed monthly expense are around 22000 and entertainment, outing expenses are 12000 . I do not have any savings and started working only for 6 months , could you suggest me some investment options , additionally my spouse earns around 10000 per month . I would like to make some short term and long term investments as well, since my company does not provide PF , and annualy I need to spend on ?10000 for insurance and another ?30000 for family expenses. Could you please advise me how I should start my investment plans , for short term and long term goals ,we are planning to have a child after 1-2 years.
    Ans: Assessing Your Current Financial Situation
    Income and Expenses
    Your monthly salary is Rs. 64,000. Your spouse earns Rs. 10,000 monthly, bringing your total household income to Rs. 74,000.

    Your fixed monthly expenses are:

    Fixed Expenses: Rs. 22,000
    Entertainment and Outings: Rs. 12,000
    Annual expenses include:

    Insurance: Rs. 10,000
    Family Expenses: Rs. 30,000
    This means your total monthly expenditure is Rs. 34,000, leaving you with a surplus of Rs. 40,000 for savings and investments.

    Building an Emergency Fund
    Importance of an Emergency Fund
    An emergency fund is crucial for unexpected expenses, such as medical emergencies, job loss, or urgent home repairs. It provides financial security and peace of mind.

    Recommended Fund Size
    Aim to save at least six months’ worth of living expenses. Given your current monthly expenses of Rs. 34,000, you should target an emergency fund of Rs. 2,04,000.

    Setting Up the Fund
    Start by allocating a portion of your monthly surplus to a high-yield savings account or a liquid mutual fund. This ensures the fund is accessible and earns a reasonable return.

    Short-Term Investment Options
    Importance of Short-Term Investments
    Short-term investments provide liquidity and flexibility for immediate financial goals, such as travel, car purchase, or a down payment for a house.

    Recommended Instruments
    Recurring Deposits (RD): A low-risk option with fixed returns.
    Fixed Deposits (FD): Suitable for short-term goals with guaranteed returns.
    Debt Mutual Funds: Provide better returns than savings accounts and FDs, with low risk.
    Long-Term Investment Options
    Importance of Long-Term Investments
    Long-term investments help you build wealth over time for major life goals, such as children's education, retirement, and buying a house.

    Recommended Instruments
    Public Provident Fund (PPF): Offers tax benefits and guaranteed returns over a 15-year period.
    Employee Provident Fund (EPF): Though your company doesn’t provide PF, consider a voluntary provident fund (VPF) if possible.
    National Pension System (NPS): Provides a retirement corpus with tax benefits and market-linked returns.
    Mutual Funds: Equity mutual funds for long-term growth, balanced mutual funds for moderate risk.
    Retirement Planning
    Importance of Early Planning
    Starting early for retirement ensures you benefit from the power of compounding, leading to a larger corpus.

    Strategy
    NPS: Invest in NPS for its dual benefit of retirement planning and tax savings.
    Equity Mutual Funds: Continue SIPs in equity mutual funds to build a significant corpus over time.
    Child Planning and Future Expenses
    Anticipating Future Costs
    Planning for a child involves anticipating expenses related to healthcare, education, and other needs.

    Investment Strategy
    Child-Specific Mutual Funds: These funds are designed to meet the financial needs of children.
    PPF and Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY): For long-term education planning, especially for a girl child.
    Insurance Planning
    Health Insurance
    Ensure you have adequate health insurance to cover medical emergencies. Consider a family floater plan for comprehensive coverage.

    Life Insurance
    Adequate life insurance ensures financial security for your family in case of unforeseen events. Term insurance is the most cost-effective option.

    Tax Planning
    Maximizing Tax Benefits
    Utilize tax-saving instruments under Section 80C, such as PPF, NPS, and ELSS mutual funds. Consider tax benefits from health insurance premiums under Section 80D.

    Investment Allocation
    Balance your investments between debt and equity to optimize tax savings and returns. Ensure you take full advantage of tax deductions available.

    Reviewing and Adjusting Your Plan
    Periodic Review
    Regularly review your financial plan to ensure it remains aligned with your goals and market conditions.

    Flexibility
    Be flexible and adjust your investment strategies based on life changes, such as career growth, birth of a child, or changes in financial goals.

    Sample Investment Plan
    Short-Term Goals (1-5 years)
    Emergency Fund: Rs. 10,000 per month in a high-yield savings account until Rs. 2,04,000 is saved.
    Recurring Deposit: Rs. 5,000 per month for immediate goals.
    Long-Term Goals (5+ years)
    PPF: Rs. 12,000 annually for tax savings and long-term growth.
    NPS: Rs. 6,500 per month for retirement planning.
    Equity Mutual Funds: Rs. 20,000 per month for wealth creation.
    Child Education Fund: Rs. 10,000 per month in child-specific mutual funds or Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana.
    Ensuring Adequate Insurance Coverage
    Health Insurance
    Coverage Amount: Rs. 5 lakhs for you and your spouse.
    Premium: Allocate Rs. 1,000 monthly for health insurance.
    Life Insurance
    Coverage Amount: 10 times your annual income.
    Premium: Term insurance premium of Rs. 500 monthly.
    Creating a Balanced Portfolio
    Diversification
    Ensure your portfolio is diversified across different asset classes to manage risk and maximize returns.

    Rebalancing
    Periodically rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation based on your risk tolerance and financial goals.

    Managing Debt
    Home Loan Considerations
    If you plan to buy a house, ensure your home loan EMI does not exceed 40% of your take-home pay.

    Credit Card and Other Debts
    Avoid high-interest debts like credit card balances. If necessary, consolidate and pay off these debts quickly.

    Leveraging Your Spouse’s Income
    Joint Planning
    Combine your spouse's income for a comprehensive financial plan. Allocate her income towards joint financial goals and emergency fund.

    Investment Strategy
    Encourage your spouse to invest in tax-saving instruments and SIPs to complement your financial plan.

    Final Insights
    By starting early and following a disciplined approach, you can achieve both your short-term and long-term financial goals.

    Focus on building an emergency fund first, then diversify your investments across various asset classes for optimal growth. Ensure adequate insurance coverage and regularly review your financial plan to stay on track.

    Invest in tax-saving instruments to maximize returns and tax benefits. Planning for future expenses, such as child education and retirement, will ensure financial stability and peace of mind.

    Seek guidance from a Certified Financial Planner to tailor these strategies to your specific needs and goals.

    Best Regards,

    K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

    Chief Financial Planner,

    www.holisticinvestment.in

    ...Read more

    Ramalingam

    Ramalingam Kalirajan  |3809 Answers  |Ask -

    Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 18, 2024

    Asked by Anonymous - Jun 18, 2024Hindi
    Money
    Hi what shall I do with below investments in mutual funds through SIP for next 20 years 1. SBI PSU direct plan growth 2. Aditya Birla Sun life PSU equity fund direct growth 3. ICICI prudential infrastructure direct growth I am looking for next 20 years in these mutual funds
    Ans: Your commitment to long-term investing, particularly over a 20-year horizon, is commendable. Your selection includes sector-specific funds focusing on PSU and infrastructure. Understanding how these funds align with your goals and market trends is essential for maximizing your portfolio’s potential. Let’s delve into a detailed analysis and provide strategies for your investments in:

    SBI PSU Direct Plan Growth
    Aditya Birla Sun Life PSU Equity Fund Direct Growth
    ICICI Prudential Infrastructure Direct Growth
    Understanding Sector-Specific Funds
    Sector-specific funds, such as PSU and infrastructure-focused funds, invest predominantly in companies within a particular sector. These funds can offer substantial returns but come with higher risk due to their concentrated exposure.

    Public Sector Undertaking (PSU) Funds
    PSU funds invest in companies owned or controlled by the government. These companies often operate in sectors like banking, oil and gas, and utilities. PSU stocks can be attractive for their stability and dividends but can be influenced by government policies and economic conditions.

    Infrastructure Funds
    Infrastructure funds invest in companies involved in infrastructure development, such as construction, transportation, and utilities. These sectors are crucial for economic growth and can benefit from increased government spending on infrastructure projects. However, they are also sensitive to regulatory changes and economic cycles.

    Evaluating Your Current Investments
    1. SBI PSU Direct Plan Growth
    Strengths:

    Stability and Government Backing: PSU companies typically have strong backing from the government, providing a sense of stability.
    Dividend Potential: Many PSU companies offer attractive dividend yields, providing a source of regular income.
    Long-term Growth Potential: With a focus on essential services and industries, PSU companies can offer steady long-term growth.
    Challenges:

    Policy Sensitivity: PSU stocks can be significantly affected by changes in government policy, impacting their performance.
    Underperformance in Certain Phases: Historically, PSU stocks may underperform during periods when private sector growth outpaces government-driven initiatives.
    2. Aditya Birla Sun Life PSU Equity Fund Direct Growth
    Strengths:

    Concentrated Investment in Established Firms: This fund focuses on established government-run enterprises with a long operational history.
    Lower Volatility: PSU funds can be less volatile compared to private sector-focused funds, especially during market downturns.
    Sector Diversification: PSUs often span multiple sectors like energy, finance, and utilities, providing sectoral diversification.
    Challenges:

    Limited Growth in Certain Sectors: Some PSUs may have limited growth potential compared to more dynamic private companies.
    Government Interference: Being government-controlled, PSUs might face bureaucratic challenges and slower decision-making processes.
    3. ICICI Prudential Infrastructure Direct Growth
    Strengths:

    Focus on Economic Growth: Infrastructure funds benefit from increased spending on infrastructure projects, which are crucial for economic development.
    Potential for High Returns: These funds can offer substantial returns, especially during periods of economic expansion and increased infrastructure spending.
    Diversified Sector Exposure: Infrastructure funds often invest in a variety of sectors such as transportation, energy, and utilities.
    Challenges:

    Economic Sensitivity: Performance can be closely tied to the economic cycle, with significant risks during economic downturns.
    Regulatory Risks: Changes in government policy and regulations can impact the profitability and growth prospects of infrastructure companies.
    Strategic Recommendations for the Next 20 Years
    Given your 20-year investment horizon, it’s important to balance sector-specific exposure with a diversified and adaptable investment strategy. Here’s how you can navigate your investments in these funds over the long term:

    1. Maintain Sector-Specific Investments with Regular Review
    Periodic Assessment of Sector Performance:

    Regularly review the performance and outlook of the PSU and infrastructure sectors.
    Assess how government policies, economic conditions, and market trends impact these sectors.
    Rebalance Based on Market Cycles:

    During periods of strong government investment and economic growth, your PSU and infrastructure funds may perform well.
    Rebalance your portfolio if these sectors underperform relative to the broader market or your expectations.
    2. Diversify Beyond Sector-Specific Funds
    Introduce Broad-Based Equity Funds:

    Complement your sector-specific funds with broad-based equity funds covering various market segments.
    This diversification can mitigate the risk associated with concentration in PSU and infrastructure sectors.
    Consider International Exposure:

    Explore funds with international exposure to diversify geographically and reduce reliance on domestic economic conditions.
    International funds can provide access to global growth opportunities and reduce sector-specific risks.
    3. Adapt to Changing Market Conditions
    Flexibility in Allocation:

    Be open to adjusting your investment allocation based on changing market conditions and economic trends.
    This flexibility can optimize returns and reduce risk over your 20-year investment period.
    Monitor Economic Indicators:

    Keep an eye on economic indicators that affect PSU and infrastructure sectors, such as government budgets and infrastructure spending.
    Adjust your investment strategy to align with economic forecasts and policy changes.
    4. Leverage Professional Guidance
    Consult with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP):

    Engage a CFP to provide personalized advice and ensure your investments align with your long-term goals.
    A CFP can offer insights into market trends and help optimize your portfolio for sustained growth.
    Utilize Mutual Fund Distributors (MFDs):

    Work with MFDs who have CFP credentials to gain access to a range of funds and professional fund management expertise.
    This approach can enhance your investment strategy and provide tailored recommendations.
    5. Emphasize Long-Term Growth Potential
    Focus on Compounding and Patience:

    Given your 20-year horizon, leverage the power of compounding by staying invested and avoiding frequent withdrawals.
    Patience is key to realizing the full growth potential of your investments.
    Look for Emerging Opportunities:

    Stay informed about new growth opportunities within PSU and infrastructure sectors.
    Emerging technologies and infrastructure developments can offer substantial returns over the long term.
    6. Manage Risk and Volatility
    Implement Risk Management Strategies:

    Use risk management strategies like asset allocation and diversification to balance risk in your portfolio.
    Consider adding debt funds or bonds to provide stability and reduce overall portfolio volatility.
    Regularly Reevaluate Risk Tolerance:

    Periodically reassess your risk tolerance to ensure your investment strategy aligns with your financial situation and goals.
    Adjust your portfolio as needed to reflect changes in your risk appetite over time.
    7. Keep Track of Fund Performance and Changes
    Monitor Fund Performance:

    Regularly track the performance of your PSU and infrastructure funds against benchmarks and market indices.
    Evaluate the fund managers’ strategies and performance relative to their peers.
    Be Aware of Fund Management Changes:

    Stay informed about any changes in the management of your funds, as new managers may bring different investment approaches.
    Assess how these changes impact the fund's strategy and performance.
    8. Stay Committed to Your Investment Plan
    Consistency and Discipline:

    Maintain a disciplined approach to investing by consistently contributing to your SIPs.
    Avoid making impulsive decisions based on short-term market movements.
    Review and Adjust Periodically:

    Conduct regular reviews of your investment strategy and make adjustments based on your financial goals and market conditions.
    Ensure that your portfolio remains aligned with your long-term objectives.
    Final Insights
    Investing in sector-specific funds like PSU and infrastructure requires a strategic approach, particularly over a long-term horizon of 20 years. Your current investments in SBI PSU Direct Plan Growth, Aditya Birla Sun Life PSU Equity Fund Direct Growth, and ICICI Prudential Infrastructure Direct Growth position you to benefit from government-backed enterprises and infrastructure development.

    To maximize returns and manage risks, consider diversifying your portfolio with broad-based and international equity funds. This diversification reduces reliance on sector-specific performance and provides exposure to broader market growth.

    Regularly review your investments, monitor economic indicators, and stay flexible in your allocation strategy. Engage with certified professionals for tailored advice and leverage their expertise to optimize your investment plan.

    Remember, patience and discipline are key to long-term investing. By staying committed to your strategy and making informed adjustments, you can achieve your financial goals and build a secure future.

    Best Regards,

    K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

    Chief Financial Planner,

    www.holisticinvestment.in

    ...Read more

    DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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