VS 7086 - Rediff Gurus

Hello mam,
(I want to remain anonymous )
I want to ask regarding my relationship with my husband.
We got married in 2013 and after a month and so...
He started saying I shouldn't mingle with Muslim friends who were my colleagues in my office. I told him they are good people and we've never had such kind of differences. But he got angry and from here one by one he started picking fights for each and everything.
Since we are newly weds, I asked if we can explore new nearby(one day trip)places during the weekend, which he didn't do.
My parents lived nearby and since we used to stay at home they'd call us on weekends for lunch or dinner. He started fighting for that also.
He also started body shaming me saying I have gained weight (and everyone in his home are commenting about my weight). I had only gained 3 kgs after my marriage.
He said I have relationships with colleagues even after my engagement, which was not the case. Later he said I shouldn't go out for lunch meetings arranged by the company for the whole team. He said I'm wasting time in the company and there is no bright future.
I tried to find a job outside but I couldn't cope up with the demeaning and exhausting behaviour in the house and non-stop workload in the office.
I agree I was a bit lazy to find a new job but I couldn't do it. In 2015 I left the job and was jobless for 2 months (this happened drastically after a big fight in his hometown that too for trivial reasons). During these two months he made my life a living hell.
He would fight for the smallest of things. I had to take care of the house, his younger brother and sister.
There were times when we fought because I took care more of his siblings and not him (I used to wonder why he is being hostile when taking care of his family).
In 2016 we started our family planning and by God's grace we had baby in 2017.
Even when I was pregnant he used to pressurize me to ask my mom to come and take care of me but my mom used to work in a different city and I was thoroughly taken care by my granny and my father. He had problems with that as well.
When he started fighting for this matter, I asked him to bring his mother (I knew it was not possible because it's difficult to leave the home and come take care of me) but he kept on saying weird things and insulting my mother saying she is dominating, irresponsible.
After having the baby he left me in his hometown for 1 whole year saying that till I prepare myself for the interview and find a new job he will not live with me.
I kept begging him, fought with him and even tried to commit suicide because I didn't want to live there anymore after 8 months.
I just wanted to come back and have my family which he denied saying he has financial problems.
Ultimately I had to pressurise my parents to intervene and take me and my child to their home.
Whenever he felt like seeing his daughter he used to come. Otherwise he totally ignored us.
My parents and I begged him to come home and stay but he refused (we had a tight financial situation so we couldn't afford a house).
My father arranged a small home without any amenities to keep his house's unwanted things.
My husband said he will stay there and not in my parents’ house for which I objected. Yet he stayed there for almost 6 months.
Later I found a job and moved to a new house.
When the pandemic hit I lost my beloved father and my job. I could have saved him but my husband did not allow me to go to my parents place even after explaining to him the situation that my parents are facing. My father did not die of Covid but due to medical negligence. He wanted me to cook and take care of his family in his hometown.
He suggested my mother and brother to take leave of two months and sort out all the legal activities which they couldn't.
My brother had to leave for his job overseas and mother back to her job. She used to come every three weeks and ask for my help to get things done. He got angry for that and kept on blaming me that I only take care of my family and not him.
After my father's death he started insulting my mother. He even made his father to call my mom and talk cheap with her and my brother.
Fast forward to now, we have been fighting non-stop and every week there will be a fight, name calling, vulgar words exchanged. He stops talking to me for months together and there has hardly been any physical or emotional intimacy.
Even after I confess, cajole and plead with him to sort out our family, he agrees momentarily and again within a week there will be a new topic to fight on in such a way it goes to extremes.
This roller coaster ride -- the fights in our relationship -- has affected my child immensely and sometimes for the sake of the child we plan not to divorce each other. But I'm guilty that I'm not providing my child a healthy environment. That I'm not a good wife. I'm confused whether I should continue in this relationship or quit it for the betterment of the three of us because I cannot take this emotional abuse and have my child watching me cry non-stop.
Please guide me if my husband will change in future. Should I try counselling or do I divorce him? Because whenever I keep my hopes positive, he goes back to his old ways.

Ans:

Dear VS,

You are married to a man who gets his self-esteem and validation by showing you in poor light, exercises control by telling you who your professional/social circle should be, makes you weak by detaching you from your parents and those who are your support system.

Does this put things into perspective for you as to where you are in within your marriage?

Once you fulfil the above, he might be willing to somewhat accept you, but there will be constant new demands to keep his self-esteem high. It’s all about him, him, and him.

Does he need to visit a professional who can guide him to a better way of thinking? Yes, but that will happen only when he acknowledges his false sense of existence and flushed ego.

If that is possible, do visit a professional who can help him ably and then he might be able to see the marriage in a new light and his contribution towards it.

Till then, this seems to be a battle with a child who is adamant about getting one candy and then another and yet another and then crying out loud when denied.

The child is absolutely growing up in an emotionally challenging environment and this will obviously affect his growth, both physically and emotionally.

I am glad you have been thinking about what to do and now you know what an absolute must-have for the marriage is, to continue.

He must change the way he thinks and acts and treats you like his partner and not someone who was married to him for his sense of validation and self-esteem.

Be wise, watch and decide!

All the best!

Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help