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Kanchan Rai |566 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 22, 2023

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Question by P on Nov 22, 2023Hindi

I am 43 year old unmarried male . I loves someone from my childhood and she also loves me but because of her family she agrees and got married to someone else and now she had one 12yr child. After her marriage I never kept contact with her respecting her decision for her family and assuming that she is living a happy life But during Corona-2021 she contacted me and told me about her life where her husband is in relationship with other married woman and is giving everything to that lady as his wife. She told these to her parents but because of some reason they both discussed and decided to accept it and continue it the way as it is. She told me that she loves me a lot and doesn’t feel complete without me. She is honest in her married life but after these incident she dont want to live there but unable to exit because of family condition. She told me she loves me and need me above all and everything in life she wants me to remain with her like her life partner but because of some compulsion she is not in a conditon to give our relationship a NAME in society. Everytimes she told me that she love me a lot and says that I am more than anything else in life to her and she does not want to lose me as well. We shares everything with each other like husband-wife. I am always there for her and will support her in all respect so that she became happy and lead a healthy life. But sometimes I feel that I shall come out from this as these will further destroy her disturbed life but at times I feel I don’t able to leave her and all I need is that she live a happy life and ready to do anything for these. What shall I do here? Please guide

Ans: Dear P,
This is undoubtedly a complex and emotionally challenging situation. It's important to approach it with care and consideration for both your feelings and hers. Reflect on your own feelings and desires. Consider what you want in a relationship and whether you can realistically achieve those goals in this situation Talk to her about your concerns, fears, and the impact this situation has on both of you. Discuss the future and what you both want. Ensure that you're on the same page about your expectations and the potential challenges that may arise Understand the potential consequences of continuing this relationship. Consider the impact on her family, your own well-being, and the well-being of any children involved. Be realistic about the challenges you may face. Consider the long-term implications of the relationship. If there is no possibility of it evolving into a more conventional partnership and that is something you desire, you may need to evaluate whether continuing the relationship is in your best interest Ultimately, the decision you make should align with your values, desires, and what you believe is best for your overall well-being. It may be a difficult decision to make, but taking the time to reflect, communicate, and seek guidance can help you navigate this challenging situation.

Asked on - Jun 20, 2024 | Answered on Jun 20, 2024

Thanks a lot for your guidance, i had tried all the thing as guided by you and told her about the consequences of continuing the ongoing telephonic relationship but she wants to continue the relationship telephonically and is in regular contact with me on phone but as i know the drawback of these type of relation i started avoiding her so kindly guide on the same.

Ans: It's commendable that you’ve tried to address the situation thoughtfully and have considered the consequences of continuing a relationship that lacks a clear future. Your decision to start avoiding her suggests that you’re trying to protect both yourself and her from further emotional turmoil. However, managing this kind of situation is delicate.You've made a wise decision to start creating distance, recognizing that a telephonic relationship without a future can be emotionally draining. It’s important now to communicate your feelings to her clearly and compassionately.

Explain to her that while you deeply care about her and value your connection, continuing the relationship in this ambiguous form isn't healthy for you. Let her know that you need to focus on your own emotional well-being and finding clarity in your life. Encourage her to seek support from other sources, and reaffirm that your decision is about ensuring both of you can move forward positively.

Setting these boundaries will be difficult, but it’s necessary for both of your futures. Allowing some distance now can help you both to heal and find a path that leads to more stability and fulfillment.