Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Love Guru |187 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert - Answered on Feb 27, 2023

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more

Question by TB on Feb 14, 2023Hindi

I am 36 years. I have been married for last 5 years and we have a 4 years old boy. Though she was my girl friend during my college days, we broke up after college as we have many differences. Then I met with a girl who loved me a lot. During this period she too had some relationship but I never asked and tried to know about it. But finally in a film like situation I got married with my previous girlfriend as our families arranged our marriage. Day by day our differences are increasing and we dont have any love or respect for each other and just for the baby I am continuing my relationship. I miss the second girl too much every now and then. Since my marriage I have not in touch with her. But it is not possible for me to forget her. What should I do ? Please suggest

Ans: Visit a marriage therapist; you need couples’ counselling for sure. The marriage may have been a mistake, but now you have a child and you owe it to your son to at least try and make things work. Ultimately if there is a complete breakdown then you’re left with no choice, but try to salvage things first. And for that you’ll have to put aside all notions about your ex. At least for the present.

RelationshipReply

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu Krishna |835 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 13, 2022

Question by HK - Apr 13, 2022Hindi

Hi I have been married to my college mate for more than 11 years now with a girl child of 8+ years.Wife and I were good friend for 2 years followed by live in for 4 years before we got married. We got into marriage unprepared financially and mentally.My wife is a great responsible caring person -- way more mature than I am. I am a bit childish and emotional, very talkative and expressive person.When I travelled to another city after 5 years of marriage for higher studies, I got involved with another girl. We were very much alike in terms of personalities. We could talk endlessly and were very compatible in all sense. We even got physical and felt like we’d never had this experience before. The thing is she too was recently married to another person quite like my wife.We tried to get separated from our previous relationships but the girl’s family couldn't bear the family pressure and her husband though good otherwise took this on his ego.I waited for 3 years for her to come out.In the mean time I was almost on the verge of breaking my marriage because whatever connection I had with my wife had almost come down to negligible.That girl too had to be in that forcible relationship with no connection at all and had to adopt a child to survive the dead relationship.I got into a messy situation too -- a marriage with no connection but a lovely child.I have a connection with that girl but without living together.I don’t know if I can start a new life and if I do, how much I will be involved with it. Absolutely messed up emotionally and physically. Although my wife and I are financially stable as both of us are officers.That girl too is a medical practitioner but I have no idea if she will ever be able to come out. Plz tell me what to do.I prayed a lot, read lots of books, tried meditation, counselling, still I am in the middle of nowhere.

Ans:

Dear HK,

Why exactly did you feel the need to get into a relationship with another person?

Did your current relationship lack anything that the other relationship was fulfilling you with?

How exactly did the relationship with your wife deteriorate? Did the two of you make efforts to communicate enough in that long distance relationship?

How do you say your marriage is one without connection? How did you lose that connection?

Now, do you plan on continuing in your marriage or move on? If you have decided to move on, isn’t it time for you to come out to your wife and share what has happened?

These questions are possibly ones that are very difficult to face and answer as they bring out the truth; but they will help you get a better grasp of the situation.

It’s nice to live an alternate reality life for some time and relish the goodness but coming back to your real life that holds the ‘real you’ and your responsibilities isn’t something that can be ignored any longer. So, as much as you feel that you are in the middle of nowhere, I see no mention of what your wife must be feeling right at this very moment.

It would help to put things in perspective and talk this out as adults, (and yes, you do owe her that) so that both of you can come to an amicable decision to live more peacefully.

All the best!

(more)

Relationship

Anu Krishna |835 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 06, 2020

Question by PC - Oct 06, 2020Hindi

Dear Anu, I don’t know how to start. My Age is 40. This is my second marriage. My first marriage was arranged and it lasted 6 months. As I was in love we got divorced. We have one son who is 10 years old. Now the issue is my second wife and I have both betrayed each other. I caught her first having a deep love affair with her yoga friend. That fellow is married and we know his wife and daughter. She has started him when she was training for yoga and later they both started classes together. Meanwhile, I am in a relationship with a colleague. Now she is in a different organization. Although she has stopped it, I continue to chat with her. We are both struggling to come to a decision since last 9 months but nothing is working out. We both confessed; she is guilty, I am not. We've had a very rough time. Now she is at her mother’s home. My problem is that I can neither let her go nor forget her. She wants her freedom as earlier but I am not ready. So I am sad while I continue to torture her by asking past questions. I am worried more about my son. I am stuck so I end up bullying her. Please advice. I want to move on. I don’t want to be in relationship but i am afraid of taking decision. Sometime I feel miserable.

Ans: Dear PC, I don’t want this and I don’t want that is a childlike way of dealing with things; you will be stuck in that mud forever.

You have to want to either move on with your marriage or not.

If you choose to stay, you have to train your mind and as a couple go for a Couples Counselling to rebuild the marriage.

It will require forgiving; hard as it is, it will help both of you relook as to why you fell in love in the first place.

Sometimes, it is essential to hit the refresh button and look at things with a new perspective. And if you have decided mutually, to separate, do make sure there is no mud slinging or finger pointing.

A marriage is between two adults who are invested equally in it and there is no one person to blame.

Be graceful about this and make it a graceful end where you support one another.

Whatever you decide, always make sure your son is well looked after especially his mind and what he needs to know and understand.

Seek the support of a professional who deals with children growing up in families where the parents are separating or are quarrelling.

Either case, please DO NOT let the child suffer as this has long-term consequences on his mind.

I hope you make a decision sooner as every day not only makes it harder for both of you but for your child as well. Take care and best wishes.

(more)

Relationship

Anu Krishna |835 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 07, 2023Hindi