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30-Year-Old Male Virgin Struggles to Find Trustworthy Partner in Arranged Marriage

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  | Answer  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 23, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I (30M) am a I am Virgin & never had any Relationship. I have been meeting & interacting with several ladies through Arranged Marriage Platforms, since the last 3 years. As per my Observation, almost all the Women have had Relationship(s) in the Past & most of them are not Virgin. Whenever I tried to ask them (Respectfully) about their Past Relationship(s), some of them refuse to talk about their Past & most others try to shift the Blame onto someone else, usually, it's either the Ex Boyfriend who'd been Unfaithful/Abusive or either Party's Parents who hadn't approved of their Marriage due to various Reasons. In the last 3 years, not even single Woman I'd met, had owned up & taken Responsibility for her Choices/Actions/Mistakes & the consequences arising out of it. This made it very difficult for me to trust most of them. Since I have no first-hand experience in Relationship dynamics, I am unable to understand, whether Girls/Women can NEVER be the one at Fault, in a Relationship? Is it always the Fault of the Male Counterpart, Parents or the Patriarchal Society? My biggest fear is, if I Marry such a Woman, will she ever take any Accountability for her Actions/Mistakes, which may cause Conflicts in our Future Married Life? Or will she conveniently shift the entire Blame onto me & project me as a Bad Husband? I may seem to be overthinking, but my Fears are not unfounded as Divorce cases accompanied by False Accusations from Wives have been increasing at an Alarming Rate. Preferably, I'd want to Marry a Virgin Woman, who hadn't been in Relationship like myself or atleast a Woman can be Honest & Transparent about her Past, taking Responsibility for her Actions/Choices/Mistakes. How do I find a Woman like this? Please guide me on how to Question a prospective match, to Judge her Character, realistically?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your concerns make sense, but if you think about it, the majority of people do not know how to take accountability- it has nothing to do with gender. For instance, some men say they are acting like casanovas because of some girl they had a crush on, who rejected their proposal, and some say they have commitment issues because an ex-girlfriend had broken their trust. So, my point is, it's a people problem, not a woman problem.
Having said that, a good way to judge someone is to open up about yourself first. Next time you meet someone, instead of asking about her past, try talking about yours. Mention that you did not have a relationship, or you like people who can own up to their mistakes, etc. This way, you will make her feel comfortable enough to open up to you. It's not easy for women to disclose sensitive details, especially to men. And, ideally, their past should not play a part in their present, but since it is so important to you, try this technique.

Best Wishes.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  | Answer  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 07, 2024
Relationship
I (27M) am well Educated & well settled in a High-paying Job. Tall, Handsome & Fit. I am a Sociable & Outgoing person, but I never had a Girlfriend because I believe in having an Arranged Marriage with a Girl from the same Community, who's Family background is known to Parents. I strongly believe in abstaining from any kind of Sexual Intimacy until I get Married, due to my Personal, Moral, Ethical, Emotional as well as Religious & Socio-cultural Values. I'd want to experience even my First Kiss, only after getting Married to my Life Partner. And obviously, I expect my Future Life Partner also to Share similar Values. I cannot settle for Marriage with a Girl who had Pre-marital Sex (or even Kissed) anyone else in a Romantic Relationship, prior to Marriage. I would Reject such a Girl, however Beautiful, Well-Educated & Well-Earning she might be (all other Qualities being Subjective). Now, my Family has started looking up suitable Brides for me, within my Community. The Problem is that most Girls of our Community, in this Generation, are Well Educated & Financially Independent, staying in Cities, away from Parents & most of them, probably had Romantic Relationship(s) & experienced Physical Intimacy, at any Base Level. I know this by closely observing & discussing with many Girls of my Community (including my Female Cousins, Female Friends & Neighbours etc). They all are ridiculing me for my Preferences & advising me to forsake my Values, as they are Outdated in this Age. Now, I am Worried that I might never get to Marry a Girl who shares my Values. My greatest Fear is not ending up Unmarried, but getting Married to a Woman who lies about her Past (I consider it as Cheating). Can you please advise me on, how can I be absolutely Sure that a Girl is an Un-Kissed Virgin? How do I bring up this topic with any Girl before Marriage & ask her, without coming off as Creepy? How can I be Sure whether the Girl is being absolutely Honest about her Past or not? What are some other ways to find out about the Past of a Girl, apart from having an open conversation with herself? Please advise me regarding this, my Heart is not letting me foresake my Values, which are my Core Principles. I am willing to compromise on some other Qualities i.e., I'd happily settle down with a Girl who's Below Average in terms of Looks, Education & even Unemployed, as long as I can be Sure that she's an Un-Kissed Virgin. How can I be absolutely Sure of that?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You don't have to forsake your values based on others' opinions of it. If it makes you happy, you should stick to it. Having said that, you cannot force the same values on others. I understand you want a partner who has a similar mindset. The only way to get what you want is an open conversation- when you speak to a match, you can open up about your outlook and clear it from your end that you want the exact same values in your partner and politely request them to reject the alliance if she has any past relationships or has been intimate with anyone in any form. Let her know that you are not judging her, but this part is very important for you. Make it about yourself, because it is. Do not let the woman feel that there is some flaw in her, or start investigating her past.

Now, coming to your other query, how to be absolutely sure that she is telling the truth about her experiences- there is no such technique. You have to trust her. Moreover, you should understand that as much as you believe your values are important, trust in your partner is equally important in having a healthy and happy relationship. While you work on finding the partner of your choice, work on having a little more faith in people.
Hope this helps.

Best Wishes

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1452 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 02, 2024

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Relationship
Thank you very much for the Reply, Dear Anu Ma'am. I greatly appreciate you taking out some of your Valuable time for advising me. But I still have something to follow up, with respect to your Answer. Please don't mind the Legality part of my Question, I was overthinking due to my bad experience. But personally, the Sexual History of a Prospective Partner, could be a Deal Breaker for me. As I have already mentioned, I'm a Virgin & I'd prefer to get Married to a Woman who's Virgin as well. If I get along quite well with any prospective match & after getting emotionally connected with her, if I come to know that she's not Virgin or has a Body Count of more than 1, I'd be greatly disappointed & may not go ahead with the Relationship Whole-heartedly, even if we both get along very well with each other on all other aspects, except Sexuality, which is a very sensitive matter to me, personally. At that point, I'd be in a bigger Dilemma, if I go ahead & Marry her, I'd be insecure about her Sexual Past. If I'd have to Break-up with her, I'd feel the guilt & regret of wasting a lot of time (both her & mine) on something which wasn't meant to be. I had a similar bad experience in the Past, hence I prefer to clarify on all the Deal Breakers, at the initial stage itself to avoid wasting the time & effort of 2 People & Families involved. Please advise me, whether my approach is Right or not? How do ask a Woman about her Sexual History, in the initial stage of our match-making & in a way that wouldn't offend her but prompt her to give me a Genuine & Honest Answer? And how do I ensure that she is being Honest with me, as these days, it seems to be quite common for Urban Young Women to have a High Body Count, before Marriage?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
So, if that is one of your core requirements that she either be a virgin or not have a body count of more than 1, well, I respect it.
But, how exactly are you going to find this information without actually offending the other person? Simple, you actually be honest and tell them that this is important to you; say it in a manner which is not offensive or questioning their integrity. So, it's about you dropping all your defenses and going in literally being vulnerable. Once you do that, the other person sees your genuine intent which is not to offend them BUT to state your requirement.
Of course, be aware that this may work at times and not always. So, assess who you are meeting with and then use this approach. Even after that, how are you going to be sure that they are telling you the truth? I guess, using the heart over mind will go better here.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  | Answer  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 12, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I (30F) had been in some Relationships at different stages of my Life, which Failed due to different Reasons and I am not Virgin. After getting exhausted emotionally, I quit Dating, 2 years ago & I decided to settle down for an Arranged Marriage, as a last resort. Since the last 2 years, I have met many Eligible Bachelors who seemed to show genuine interest in me, at the initial stage. But at some point of time, all of them asked me about my Virginity & Body Count. I had always been Honest with all of them. And almost all of them Rejected me for this one Reason. Some of them straightaway told me that they couldn't Trust any Woman who's not Virgin. Some of them gave some other Trivial Reason to Reject me, though, I could intuitively guess the Real Reason for Rejection. And some of them, just Ghosted me, immediately. I had been feeling very Bad about getting Rejected, it felt as if I was being Punished for my Honesty. Now I have begun to Question myself, whether I really need to tell my Prospective Partner about my Past? Why should my Past matter to my Future Partner? Do I owe, my Future Partner, any explanation for the way I have lived my Life until now? Is it really Fair to Judge me only on the basis of my Virginity, rather than my entire being as a whole? Does my entire worth depend only upon my Virginity? Why do Men raise Questions about my Past, in the first place, while I never asked any of them about their Past, as I don't care about my Partner's Past? Why are Men so Insecure about Sexually Active Women, is their Male Ego so Fragile that they can't accept a Woman's Past? Do they have the Right to Ask a Woman about her Sexual History, in the first place? Do they really need to know about my Past? Do I really have any Obligation to be Honest with them & disclose about my Past, before Marriage itself? My Family members are advising me that it's not Wrong to say a few White Lies, for the sake of Marriage? Would it be Wise, on my part to follow their Advice & Lie to Arranged Marriage prospects that I am Virgin? Or else, in what other ways can I Answer, Questions about my Virginity, Body Count & Sexual History, raised by future prospects, such that I don't get Rejected?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand your frustration. You made some very valid points. You are absolutely right- no one has any business asking you about your virginity. And you are also correct that it does not define you at all. But the truth is, to some people, it matters more than it should. They are not entirely at fault alone; it is the whole society. Nevertheless, you are right. While it is your decision whether you want to lie or be honest, I would suggest telling the truth. Not for their sake; for yours. You should not have to live your married life always thinking "Would my past have mattered to him?" or wondering if things would have been different if you told him the truth. Moreover, being honest will set you free; maybe it comes with rejections, but at least you do not ever have to bear the weight of lies or feel guilty about deceiving someone. And most importantly, you won’t have to settle for someone who cares so much about such superficial things. Happy marriages cannot start with a lie.

We can't control what's important to whom, but we can respect them, even if we disagree. If you are not comfortable disclosing your body count or past, simply answer their question with yours- "Does that matter to you a lot?" If they say yes, you can reject him because your values don't align.

Hope this helps.

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Radheshyam

Radheshyam Zanwar  |1151 Answers  |Ask -

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What should I do after my bsc in medical
Ans: Hello Priyanka.
It is not clear whether either of you has completed your B.Sc. in Medical or not. But I am assuming that you are presently pursuing it. The scope of this branch is wide. Either you can pursue the job, or you can start your own business. However, I would like to suggest that if possible, you do a DMLT course to start an authentic lab. Working as a technician or technical assistant may not boost your career to a great extent, and the salary may also not increase proportionately. Hence, it is better to add a course with a B.Sc. that will help you start your business. With a small capital, you can even start a business selling surgical items, which could turn into a big business in just a few years. Best of luck for your upcoming future.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7606 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 22, 2025

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Money
Where should I invest Rs. 50000 in Index mutual fund or in ETF?
Ans: When deciding between Index Mutual Funds, ETFs, and actively managed diversified equity funds, actively managed funds often stand out. Let’s analyse why active diversified equity funds are a better option for your Rs. 50,000 investment.

Understanding Index Funds and ETFs
Index Funds: These passively replicate an index like NIFTY 50 or SENSEX. They aim to match the market’s performance, not beat it.

ETFs (Exchange Traded Funds): Similar to index funds but trade like stocks on exchanges. They require a Demat account.

Disadvantages of Index Funds and ETFs
Limited Returns Potential
Index funds and ETFs only track the market.
They cannot outperform the benchmark, even when market conditions allow for superior performance.
No Protection in Market Downturns
Index funds replicate the index, so they fall equally during market downturns.
Active funds may reduce losses with better sector and stock allocation.
Lack of Professional Judgment
Index funds follow pre-set rules, ignoring company-specific fundamentals.
Actively managed funds use professional fund managers who adjust portfolios to maximise gains.
Hidden Costs in ETFs
ETFs may seem cost-effective but involve additional brokerage and Demat account charges.
Liquidity issues can lead to price variations between the market price and NAV.
Benefits of Active Diversified Equity Funds
Potential for Superior Returns
Experienced fund managers aim to outperform the benchmark.
They carefully select high-potential stocks across sectors and market caps.
Flexibility in Stock Selection
Active funds are not restricted to index stocks.
They pick companies with strong fundamentals, growth prospects, and attractive valuations.
Downside Protection
Fund managers can reduce exposure to risky sectors during market downturns.
This minimises losses compared to passive funds.
Tax Efficiency with Strategic Planning
Gains can be optimised with periodic review and rebalancing.
Active funds often deliver better after-tax returns over the long term.
Why Rs. 50,000 Fits Well in Active Diversified Equity Funds
A one-time investment of Rs. 50,000 deserves active management for maximised growth.
Over 5–10 years, active funds are better positioned to beat inflation and create wealth.
Suggested Allocation for Active Diversified Equity Funds
Large-Cap Equity Funds (30%-40%): Stability and consistent returns.
Flexi-Cap Equity Funds (40%-50%): Flexibility to invest across market caps.
Mid-Cap Equity Funds (20%-30%): Higher growth potential with moderate risk.
Key Considerations
Stay invested for at least 7–10 years for compounding benefits.
Review performance annually and rebalance if needed.
Avoid chasing short-term trends or reacting to market noise.
Final Insights
Index funds and ETFs are suitable for certain scenarios, but they lack active management benefits. By investing Rs. 50,000 in actively managed diversified equity funds, you can maximise returns, minimise risks, and benefit from professional expertise.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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