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30-Year-Old Woman Feeling Rejected in Arranged Marriages Due to Past Relationships

Ravi Mittal |551 Answers |Ask -Follow

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 13, 2024

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Asked by Anonymous - Dec 12, 2024Hindi

I (30F) had been in some Relationships at different stages of my Life, which Failed due to different Reasons and I am not Virgin. After getting exhausted emotionally, I quit Dating, 2 years ago & I decided to settle down for an Arranged Marriage, as a last resort. Since the last 2 years, I have met many Eligible Bachelors who seemed to show genuine interest in me, at the initial stage. But at some point of time, all of them asked me about my Virginity & Body Count. I had always been Honest with all of them. And almost all of them Rejected me for this one Reason. Some of them straightaway told me that they couldn't Trust any Woman who's not Virgin. Some of them gave some other Trivial Reason to Reject me, though, I could intuitively guess the Real Reason for Rejection. And some of them, just Ghosted me, immediately. I had been feeling very Bad about getting Rejected, it felt as if I was being Punished for my Honesty. Now I have begun to Question myself, whether I really need to tell my Prospective Partner about my Past? Why should my Past matter to my Future Partner? Do I owe, my Future Partner, any explanation for the way I have lived my Life until now? Is it really Fair to Judge me only on the basis of my Virginity, rather than my entire being as a whole? Does my entire worth depend only upon my Virginity? Why do Men raise Questions about my Past, in the first place, while I never asked any of them about their Past, as I don't care about my Partner's Past? Why are Men so Insecure about Sexually Active Women, is their Male Ego so Fragile that they can't accept a Woman's Past? Do they have the Right to Ask a Woman about her Sexual History, in the first place? Do they really need to know about my Past? Do I really have any Obligation to be Honest with them & disclose about my Past, before Marriage itself? My Family members are advising me that it's not Wrong to say a few White Lies, for the sake of Marriage? Would it be Wise, on my part to follow their Advice & Lie to Arranged Marriage prospects that I am Virgin? Or else, in what other ways can I Answer, Questions about my Virginity, Body Count & Sexual History, raised by future prospects, such that I don't get Rejected?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand your frustration. You made some very valid points. You are absolutely right- no one has any business asking you about your virginity. And you are also correct that it does not define you at all. But the truth is, to some people, it matters more than it should. They are not entirely at fault alone; it is the whole society. Nevertheless, you are right. While it is your decision whether you want to lie or be honest, I would suggest telling the truth. Not for their sake; for yours. You should not have to live your married life always thinking "Would my past have mattered to him?" or wondering if things would have been different if you told him the truth. Moreover, being honest will set you free; maybe it comes with rejections, but at least you do not ever have to bear the weight of lies or feel guilty about deceiving someone. And most importantly, you won’t have to settle for someone who cares so much about such superficial things. Happy marriages cannot start with a lie.

We can't control what's important to whom, but we can respect them, even if we disagree. If you are not comfortable disclosing your body count or past, simply answer their question with yours- "Does that matter to you a lot?" If they say yes, you can reject him because your values don't align.

Hope this helps.