Home > Relationship > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 07, 2024
Relationship

I (27M) am well Educated & well settled in a High-paying Job. Tall, Handsome & Fit. I am a Sociable & Outgoing person, but I never had a Girlfriend because I believe in having an Arranged Marriage with a Girl from the same Community, who's Family background is known to Parents. I strongly believe in abstaining from any kind of Sexual Intimacy until I get Married, due to my Personal, Moral, Ethical, Emotional as well as Religious & Socio-cultural Values. I'd want to experience even my First Kiss, only after getting Married to my Life Partner. And obviously, I expect my Future Life Partner also to Share similar Values. I cannot settle for Marriage with a Girl who had Pre-marital Sex (or even Kissed) anyone else in a Romantic Relationship, prior to Marriage. I would Reject such a Girl, however Beautiful, Well-Educated & Well-Earning she might be (all other Qualities being Subjective). Now, my Family has started looking up suitable Brides for me, within my Community. The Problem is that most Girls of our Community, in this Generation, are Well Educated & Financially Independent, staying in Cities, away from Parents & most of them, probably had Romantic Relationship(s) & experienced Physical Intimacy, at any Base Level. I know this by closely observing & discussing with many Girls of my Community (including my Female Cousins, Female Friends & Neighbours etc). They all are ridiculing me for my Preferences & advising me to forsake my Values, as they are Outdated in this Age. Now, I am Worried that I might never get to Marry a Girl who shares my Values. My greatest Fear is not ending up Unmarried, but getting Married to a Woman who lies about her Past (I consider it as Cheating). Can you please advise me on, how can I be absolutely Sure that a Girl is an Un-Kissed Virgin? How do I bring up this topic with any Girl before Marriage & ask her, without coming off as Creepy? How can I be Sure whether the Girl is being absolutely Honest about her Past or not? What are some other ways to find out about the Past of a Girl, apart from having an open conversation with herself? Please advise me regarding this, my Heart is not letting me foresake my Values, which are my Core Principles. I am willing to compromise on some other Qualities i.e., I'd happily settle down with a Girl who's Below Average in terms of Looks, Education & even Unemployed, as long as I can be Sure that she's an Un-Kissed Virgin. How can I be absolutely Sure of that?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You don't have to forsake your values based on others' opinions of it. If it makes you happy, you should stick to it. Having said that, you cannot force the same values on others. I understand you want a partner who has a similar mindset. The only way to get what you want is an open conversation- when you speak to a match, you can open up about your outlook and clear it from your end that you want the exact same values in your partner and politely request them to reject the alliance if she has any past relationships or has been intimate with anyone in any form. Let her know that you are not judging her, but this part is very important for you. Make it about yourself, because it is. Do not let the woman feel that there is some flaw in her, or start investigating her past.

Now, coming to your other query, how to be absolutely sure that she is telling the truth about her experiences- there is no such technique. You have to trust her. Moreover, you should understand that as much as you believe your values are important, trust in your partner is equally important in having a healthy and happy relationship. While you work on finding the partner of your choice, work on having a little more faith in people.
Hope this helps.

Best Wishes

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jun 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 17, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hey love Gurus I am 24 year old male. Well educated and decent looking. But i have never had a girlfriend not had i ever kissed a girl. I have also never bothered much on this until my 20 year of age. But now for past year or 2 it has started haunting me a bit because I am scared of what would happen when i get married. I don't have any sort of experience and this scares me. I know it's too early to think of marriage but still I feel low when this topic comes to my mind. Please guide me. I really need a good advice Is it that I am thinking too much?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

It's totally normal to feel anxious about the future and any relationship to come your way in the future. Here are some advice-

• Be kind to yourself. You are not alone in this. Not everyone moves at the same pace. Some start dating early, some start late. Some have more experience than others. But everyone has to face firsts. While it is natural to feel anxious, with the right partner and at the right timeline, things often tend to work out better than we imagine.
• Focus on building confidence. You are more than your dating experience. Pursue a hobby, socialize, work on developing new skills, work to improve your body and mind. Everything in turn will increase your confidence level.
• Educate yourself. You can read books on anxiety or if you have a clear idea of what about a relationship or what about marriage is making you conscious, you can educate yourself on that part. What is known to us, rarely makes us feel anxious. We mostly fear the unknown.
• For your future first relationship- take it slow. Communicate. What you are comfortable with, what you aren't, communicate everything.
• If your anxiety is interfering with your day-to-day activity, I recommend seeing a professional. It's still early and nipped in the bud, this anxiety will lead to nothing serious. But if you let it take root, it might be more difficult to manage.

Understand that it is okay where you are. Also, as you mentioned, you are too young to worry about it. But since you are already worrying, I am glad that you seeked help.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 03, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hi, I am 30 years old not married & now my parents are forcing me to get married. I think i am good looking guy. It's not like i have never been with girls. I have had brief flings with multiple girls. And there was one girl whom i was in a platonic relationship with with lot of emotional sharing & have spent a lot of time with her. The same goes with another girl. Both of them have told me that i have been pretty cool & girls would like me to be their bf or husband. But i am not able to accept anyone because of the guilt that of my past that i never had a relationship. Never been able to tell anyone that i had a gf. I know this is wrong to compare my life but i can't stop thinking that way. Can you tell me what to do? Like a contsant regret of not having a very steamy cool fancy relationship from outside. I know relationships have it's own ups & downs. But this guilt is killing me that i missed out lot of things in life & if get married in an arranged marriage i would feel myself to be a looser who couldn't even find a girl on his own. Though i know all of these comparisons are wrong & i should be rational. I am not able to help it. Please help me out
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Whatever you are feeling, it is very normal. More people than you could imagine go through this same phase. But as you mentioned, these are just thoughts; there is no truth to them. Not having a relationship does not make you uncool. It merely means that you did not meet your perfect match yet. I understand that you feel like you have missed out on something and that feeling is valid. It might not be reasonable, but it's very natural to think this way. I can suggest one thing- why don't you try a dating or matchmaking app to find your own partner? That way, you will be keeping your parents' wishes and won't let yourself down either. It will also give you more control over choosing your life partner.

Hope this helps.

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 23, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I (30M) am a I am Virgin & never had any Relationship. I have been meeting & interacting with several ladies through Arranged Marriage Platforms, since the last 3 years. As per my Observation, almost all the Women have had Relationship(s) in the Past & most of them are not Virgin. Whenever I tried to ask them (Respectfully) about their Past Relationship(s), some of them refuse to talk about their Past & most others try to shift the Blame onto someone else, usually, it's either the Ex Boyfriend who'd been Unfaithful/Abusive or either Party's Parents who hadn't approved of their Marriage due to various Reasons. In the last 3 years, not even single Woman I'd met, had owned up & taken Responsibility for her Choices/Actions/Mistakes & the consequences arising out of it. This made it very difficult for me to trust most of them. Since I have no first-hand experience in Relationship dynamics, I am unable to understand, whether Girls/Women can NEVER be the one at Fault, in a Relationship? Is it always the Fault of the Male Counterpart, Parents or the Patriarchal Society? My biggest fear is, if I Marry such a Woman, will she ever take any Accountability for her Actions/Mistakes, which may cause Conflicts in our Future Married Life? Or will she conveniently shift the entire Blame onto me & project me as a Bad Husband? I may seem to be overthinking, but my Fears are not unfounded as Divorce cases accompanied by False Accusations from Wives have been increasing at an Alarming Rate. Preferably, I'd want to Marry a Virgin Woman, who hadn't been in Relationship like myself or atleast a Woman can be Honest & Transparent about her Past, taking Responsibility for her Actions/Choices/Mistakes. How do I find a Woman like this? Please guide me on how to Question a prospective match, to Judge her Character, realistically?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your concerns make sense, but if you think about it, the majority of people do not know how to take accountability- it has nothing to do with gender. For instance, some men say they are acting like casanovas because of some girl they had a crush on, who rejected their proposal, and some say they have commitment issues because an ex-girlfriend had broken their trust. So, my point is, it's a people problem, not a woman problem.
Having said that, a good way to judge someone is to open up about yourself first. Next time you meet someone, instead of asking about her past, try talking about yours. Mention that you did not have a relationship, or you like people who can own up to their mistakes, etc. This way, you will make her feel comfortable enough to open up to you. It's not easy for women to disclose sensitive details, especially to men. And, ideally, their past should not play a part in their present, but since it is so important to you, try this technique.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1488 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 02, 2024

Listen
Relationship
Thank you very much for the Reply, Dear Anu Ma'am. I greatly appreciate you taking out some of your Valuable time for advising me. But I still have something to follow up, with respect to your Answer. Please don't mind the Legality part of my Question, I was overthinking due to my bad experience. But personally, the Sexual History of a Prospective Partner, could be a Deal Breaker for me. As I have already mentioned, I'm a Virgin & I'd prefer to get Married to a Woman who's Virgin as well. If I get along quite well with any prospective match & after getting emotionally connected with her, if I come to know that she's not Virgin or has a Body Count of more than 1, I'd be greatly disappointed & may not go ahead with the Relationship Whole-heartedly, even if we both get along very well with each other on all other aspects, except Sexuality, which is a very sensitive matter to me, personally. At that point, I'd be in a bigger Dilemma, if I go ahead & Marry her, I'd be insecure about her Sexual Past. If I'd have to Break-up with her, I'd feel the guilt & regret of wasting a lot of time (both her & mine) on something which wasn't meant to be. I had a similar bad experience in the Past, hence I prefer to clarify on all the Deal Breakers, at the initial stage itself to avoid wasting the time & effort of 2 People & Families involved. Please advise me, whether my approach is Right or not? How do ask a Woman about her Sexual History, in the initial stage of our match-making & in a way that wouldn't offend her but prompt her to give me a Genuine & Honest Answer? And how do I ensure that she is being Honest with me, as these days, it seems to be quite common for Urban Young Women to have a High Body Count, before Marriage?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
So, if that is one of your core requirements that she either be a virgin or not have a body count of more than 1, well, I respect it.
But, how exactly are you going to find this information without actually offending the other person? Simple, you actually be honest and tell them that this is important to you; say it in a manner which is not offensive or questioning their integrity. So, it's about you dropping all your defenses and going in literally being vulnerable. Once you do that, the other person sees your genuine intent which is not to offend them BUT to state your requirement.
Of course, be aware that this may work at times and not always. So, assess who you are meeting with and then use this approach. Even after that, how are you going to be sure that they are telling you the truth? I guess, using the heart over mind will go better here.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Dr Nagarajan Jsk

Dr Nagarajan Jsk   |229 Answers  |Ask -

NEET, Medical, Pharmacy Careers - Answered on Feb 05, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
Listen
Career
My child will be appearing for NEET UG 2025 for the fourth time. Each time his performance has been abysmal, which, I know, is going to be repeated this year too. We have already asked him to move ahead but he is adamant on appearing in NEET which is beyond his calibre. He doesn't have any idea what to do next, has never thought of a Plan B,C or D. Kindly guide as to how plan a career ahead for him. Is there any sort of psychoanalysis to know what is the right study option for him and where to get it done. I can't afford crores of rupees in pvt. medical colleges/abroad .I can take professional assisstance . Kindly give me contact number/ email ID. Thanks.
Ans: Hi Sir,

Don't worry. First, it's important to counsel him.

The health sector is a promising field, which is why I believe your son is so determined to appear for the NEET exam, even though this will be his fourth attempt. It’s natural for him to feel a bit worried. I think he needs to reflect on why he hasn't been able to succeed so far. It's crucial for him to analyze where the problems lie. For example, if he's struggling with chemistry, he should focus more on that subject, as well as the others he finds challenging.

He has a lot of homework to do, including taking mock tests and learning effective strategies rather than just simple ideas.

I have one question: Has he enrolled in any study or coaching center for NEET preparation? If so, it would be beneficial to discuss ways to improve his performance.
If he has prepared himself, kindly approach the best coaching center near your area. For more information about us, you can contact the admin.

Poocho. Life Change Karo!

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1488 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 05, 2025

Listen
Anu

Anu Krishna  |1488 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 05, 2025

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x