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Kanchan Rai  |294 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 26, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 26, 2024Hindi

I'm married for 47 years . Well settled My wife dislikes sex intimacy, but in need atleast hugging and kissing. My nature is not to demand. How can I overcome my depression?

Ans: Navigating intimacy issues in a long-term marriage can be deeply challenging, especially when it leads to feelings of depression. Given your situation, it's important to approach this delicately and thoughtfully.

Start by opening a gentle and honest conversation with your wife about your feelings. It's crucial to express your emotions without making her feel blamed or pressured. Emphasize that you’re seeking a way to connect more deeply and address your emotional needs. This can help both of you understand each other's perspectives and work towards a solution that respects both of your boundaries and desires.

Consider seeking professional help. Seeing a therapist, either individually or as a couple, can be immensely beneficial. A therapist can provide strategies for coping with depression and navigating the emotional complexities of your situation. Couples therapy offers a safe space to discuss intimacy issues and find mutually agreeable solutions.

Focusing on self-care and your overall well-being is also important. Engage in activities that promote mental and physical health, such as regular exercise, maintaining a balanced diet, getting sufficient sleep, and practicing mindfulness or meditation. These activities can help improve your mood and manage feelings of depression.

Strengthening your social connections outside of your marriage can also be beneficial. Spending time with friends, family, or participating in community activities can provide emotional support and reduce feelings of loneliness. Engaging in hobbies or interests that bring you joy can also be a great way to boost your mood and overall happiness.

Additionally, consider exploring different forms of physical affection that your wife might be comfortable with. Even if sexual intimacy is not possible, other forms of physical closeness like hugging, holding hands, or gentle massages can help maintain a sense of connection and intimacy in your relationship.

Remember, it's okay to seek help and take steps towards improving your mental health. Addressing these issues can lead to a stronger, more understanding relationship and a better sense of personal well-being.

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Kanchan Rai  |294 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 02, 2023

Hello Kanchan I'm 43 & my wife is 39. We have known each other for almost 25 yrs now (8 yrs before marriage and 17yrs of married life). We had our ups and downs in our relationship. But somehow we stayed together. We have a daughter who is 8. I've been working abroad for 4yrs and I used to come only once in a year to see my family. Now I'm back and doing a full time job. My wife works from home as a freelancer. I've observed that, after I returned, my wife has lost interest in me. She's also not interested at all in physical relationship. It is really very irritating as I am a romantic person. She simply says she doesn't feel like having intercourse. She does love me but what's the solution? How do I satisfy my feelings? She agrees to have intercourse so that I don't feel bad. But it is not satisfying! How do I tackle this situation?
Ans: Hello Keshav

It sounds like you're going through a tough time in your relationship. It's important to approach this situation with empathy and understanding towards your wife's perspective. It could be that she's going through her own challenges that are affecting her desire for physical intimacy. It could also be that the dynamic of your relationship has shifted with your return, and you both need to find a new balance.

The first step is to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about your feelings and concerns. Listen to her perspective and try to understand what might be causing her lack of interest in physical intimacy. It's important to approach this conversation without judgment or blame.

If there are underlying issues that need to be addressed, it might be helpful to seek the support of a couples therapist or counselor. They can help you both work through any challenges and find ways to improve your intimacy and connection.

In the meantime, it's important to focus on building emotional intimacy in your relationship. This can be done through spending quality time together, having meaningful conversations, and expressing appreciation and gratitude for each other. This may help to improve your physical intimacy over time.

Remember, every relationship has its ups and downs, but with effort and communication, you can work through challenges and strengthen your connection with your partner.

..Read more


Anu Krishna  |1054 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 19, 2023

I'm 60 yrs old & my wife is 54 years old. We are married for 33 years now and have 2 grown-up children. My wife was always having less interest towards the physical relationship. She had lost further interest since last 10 years and totally stopped since last 6 years. She sleeps in a sperate room to avoid any physical relationship. She always says we are too old for physical relationship and let is not do any such thing now. I feel an urge to have a physical relationship atleast one a week and because of no relationship, I feel irritated and this is also effecting our general relationship. Unfortunately she is not understanding this. Please suggest what to do???
Ans: Dear Sunjay,
Many of my responses in similar questions like yours have been:
1. Either your wife is in her menopause phase or has menopaused and this can cause lack of interest in sex due to hormonal changes
2. It's a belief system that once you have children, sex if off the table
If it's 1, then there's a lot more empathy that you can show as a husband and possibly explore options with a doctor who can guide the two of you on sex after menopause
If it's 2, then there's a task you are up against where you need to understand where this belief system set inside of her and what it might take for her to break it

So, irritation from you may not solve your problem but only aggravate it, but if you put your mind into finding a solution, you will be interested in finding the source of the problem and eliminate that.

All the best!

..Read more

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