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45-Year-Old Seeks Wealth Building Tips for Next 10 Years With Salary, Investments, and LICs

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |715 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Milind Vadjikar is an independent MF distributor registered with Association of Mutual Funds in India (AMFI) and a retirement financial planning advisor registered with Pension Fund Regulatory and Development Authority (PFRDA).
He has a mechanical engineering degree from Government Engineering College, Sambhajinagar, and an MBA in international business from the Symbiosis Institute of Business Management, Pune.
With over 16 years of experience in stock investments, and over six year experience in investment guidance and support, he believes that balanced asset allocation and goal-focused disciplined investing is the key to achieving investor goals.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 27, 2024Hindi
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Hello Sir, I really appreciate the advice received from you to my query. Bases on your feedback, I have decided to replan the mutual funds investments and hence will request your invaluable suggestion on wealth building for the next 10 years. I am 45 years old and the objective is to work for another 10 years and accumulate a corpus of around 2.5 CRS. My existing take home salary is Rs 1.25 lacs per month and additional variable income ( incentives ) of around Rs 3 to 4 lacs annually. My existing EFP accumulation is Rs 38,18,711 and it should continue to add for another 10 years. My existing PPF accumulation is Rs 24,69,961, having started from April, 2011 and I wish to continue it for another 10 years with Rs 1.5 lacs deposit per year. Following are my ongoing LICs maturity plans :- Jeevan Anand, Maturity year - 2032, Sum assured - Rs 8 lacs Jeevan Ankur, Maturity year - 2034, Sum assured - Rs 12 lacs Jeevan Saral, Maturity year - 2035, Sum assured - Rs 352,330 Money back policy, Maturity year - 2027, Sum assured - Rs 2lacs + vested bonds My existing LIC annual premium is Rs 135,661 My existing corpus if mutual fund is around Rs 4 lacs, regret not having started investing in mutual funds earlier. Following are the SIPs I intend to realign from January, 2025 to at least till December, 20234, per month Parag Pariekh Flexicap - Rs 20,000 Quant Active Fund - Rs 10,000 SBI Smallcap - Rs 5,000 Nippon India Smallcap - Rs 5,000 ICICI Prudential Bluchip - Rs 5,000 Mirae Asset Large and Midcap - Rs 5,000 Overviewing, the entire details, please share your opinions and suggestions for wealth building for the next 10 years.

Ans: Hello;

Your EPF corpus, PPF contribution+ corpus and MF sip corpus together will provide you a corpus of 2.5 Cr+ over 10 years. (8%, 6.9% & 12% returns considered respectively)

Maturity proceeds of endowment life insurance policies, if any, is a surplus.

Do invest part of your annual incentives as lumpsum investment in the sip funds to boost your corpus.

Also always bear in mind to never mix investment with insurance.

For life insurance an adequate term life cover is good enough.

Endowment policies have the worst returns.

SIP funds are okay except multicap fund, which you may replace with any other top quartile fund from that category, since that fund AMC has an ongoing sebi probe into frontrunning allegations.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 12, 2024

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I am 43 years old and earn Rs 60000/month. My portfolio contains MF SIPs as below: 1000 ELSS Fund 1000 Large cap fund 1000 Small &Mid cap fund 1000 Gold ETF 1000 Nifty 50 Index fund 1000 Balanced Advantage fund 500 IT ETF 500 Pharma ETF Please suggest if any changes are required for long term wealth creation?
Ans: Given your age and investment horizon, your portfolio appears to have a balanced mix of equity, gold, and index funds, which is suitable for long-term wealth creation. However, here are some suggestions for potential enhancements:

Review ELSS Fund: Ensure that the ELSS fund you've chosen aligns with your risk tolerance and investment objectives. Evaluate its performance relative to peers and consider switching to a top-performing ELSS fund if necessary.

Reassess Sectoral ETFs: Sectoral ETFs like IT and Pharma carry specific sector risks. While they can offer diversification benefits, consider whether your portfolio needs exposure to these sectors based on your risk appetite and sector outlook.

Evaluate Balanced Advantage Fund: Review the performance and strategy of the Balanced Advantage Fund. These funds dynamically allocate between equity and debt based on market conditions. Ensure that it aligns with your risk profile and investment goals.

Consider International Diversification: Explore opportunities to diversify your portfolio internationally through global equity funds or international index funds. This can provide exposure to global markets and potentially enhance diversification.

Increase SIP Amounts: As your income allows, consider gradually increasing your SIP amounts over time. Regularly review your investments and adjust your contributions based on your financial goals and market conditions.

Consult a Financial Advisor: Consider seeking advice from a qualified financial advisor who can provide personalized recommendations based on your financial situation, goals, and risk tolerance. An advisor can help you optimize your portfolio and navigate market fluctuations effectively.

By periodically reviewing and adjusting your portfolio, you can ensure that it remains aligned with your long-term wealth creation objectives. Regular monitoring and consultation with a financial advisor will help you make informed decisions and achieve your financial goals.
Best regards,
Ramalingam, MBA, CFP
Chief Financial Planner

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 07, 2024

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Hello...I am 39 years old with a stable income of 49000. I have been investing in mutual funds in since the last three years, namely in SBI bluechip (5k Sip), SBI Balanced Advantage fund since NFO(3L lumpsum), AB sunlife ELSS (2k sip) and SBI nifty Equal Weight NFO (1L). I am thinking of investing 5k SIP per month in SBI Liquid fund since I don't not have much savings and want to keep some amount as liquid. Apart from that I want to invest 5k in SBI Dividend Fund for long term to benefit from dividends in the long term. I thankfully do not have any debt but do not have much growth also. I have Life insurance and health insurances for myself and my family. I live in Assam. Would you suggest any changes in my portfolio to maintain growth as well as build wealth over 10 years?
Ans: It's commendable that you've been investing diligently and are seeking ways to improve your portfolio. Let's take a detailed look at your current investments and provide a plan to enhance growth and build wealth over the next 10 years.

Current Financial Snapshot

Income:

Stable monthly income of Rs. 49,000.
Investments:

SBI Bluechip Fund: Rs. 5,000 SIP monthly.
SBI Balanced Advantage Fund: Rs. 3 lakh lump sum.
AB Sunlife ELSS Fund: Rs. 2,000 SIP monthly.
SBI Nifty Equal Weight Fund: Rs. 1 lakh lump sum.
Insurance:

Adequate life and health insurance for yourself and your family.
No Debt:

You thankfully have no debts, which is a strong financial position.
Evaluating Current Portfolio

SBI Bluechip Fund:

Large-cap funds like SBI Bluechip offer stability and moderate growth.
Suitable for long-term goals due to lower volatility.
SBI Balanced Advantage Fund:

Dynamic asset allocation fund balancing equity and debt.
Provides a cushion during market downturns.
AB Sunlife ELSS Fund:

ELSS funds offer tax benefits under Section 80C.
Equity exposure provides higher returns over the long term.
SBI Nifty Equal Weight Fund:

Exposure to a diversified set of large-cap stocks.
Equal weight strategy provides balanced risk and return.
Proposed New Investments

SBI Liquid Fund:

Considered for emergency savings and liquidity.
Low risk, but returns are lower compared to equity funds.
SBI Dividend Fund:

Dividends can provide regular income.
However, dividend income is subject to taxation.
Recommendations for Portfolio Optimization

Emergency Fund and Liquidity

SBI Liquid Fund:
It's a good idea to keep some funds liquid for emergencies.
Aim to build an emergency fund equal to 6 months of expenses.
A monthly SIP of Rs. 5,000 in a liquid fund is reasonable.
Focus on Growth and Wealth Creation

Reallocate to Growth-Oriented Funds:

Increase exposure to equity mutual funds for long-term growth.
Consider multi-cap or mid-cap funds for higher returns.
Systematic Investment Planning (SIP):

Continue with your SIPs and increase them if possible.
Regular SIPs help in rupee cost averaging and benefit from market volatility.
Avoid Dividend Funds for Growth:

Dividend funds distribute earnings, reducing the compounding effect.
Opt for growth funds to maximize wealth accumulation.
Tax-Efficient Investments

Maximize ELSS Investments:
Utilize the Rs. 1.5 lakh limit under Section 80C fully.
Increase your ELSS SIP to Rs. 4,000 monthly for better tax savings and growth.
Review Insurance Policies

Evaluate Life Insurance:

Ensure you have adequate term insurance coverage.
Term plans are cost-effective and provide high coverage.
Health Insurance:

Review and update health insurance to cover medical inflation.
Ensure the sum insured is sufficient for your family’s needs.
Diversification and Asset Allocation

Balanced Portfolio:

Diversify across large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds.
Include debt funds to reduce overall portfolio risk.
Regular Rebalancing:

Review your portfolio every six months.
Rebalance to maintain the desired asset allocation.
Exploring New Investment Avenues

Direct Equity:

If you have the knowledge, consider investing in individual stocks.
Direct equity can offer higher returns but comes with higher risk.
Public Provident Fund (PPF):

Invest in PPF for a safe and tax-free return.
It’s a good long-term investment with tax benefits.
Financial Discipline and Continuous Learning

Maintain Financial Discipline:

Stick to your budget and avoid unnecessary expenses.
Prioritize investments over discretionary spending.
Educate Yourself:

Stay updated on financial markets and investment options.
Attend webinars, read financial blogs, and consider courses on finance.
Final Insights

Achieving your financial goals requires a disciplined and well-rounded approach. Your current investments in mutual funds are a good start. Continue with your SIPs in SBI Bluechip, SBI Balanced Advantage, and AB Sunlife ELSS funds. To improve liquidity, start a SIP in SBI Liquid Fund and build an emergency fund. However, reconsider the SBI Dividend Fund. Instead, focus on growth funds to maximize wealth creation over the long term.

Increase your ELSS SIP to fully utilize the tax benefits under Section 80C. Diversify your investments by including multi-cap and mid-cap funds. Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance coverage. Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation. Stay disciplined with your investments and continuously educate yourself on financial matters.

With these strategies, you can achieve substantial growth and build a robust financial future over the next 10 years. Remember, consistency and informed decision-making are key to long-term financial success.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 24, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 16, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I’m 36 years old, currently doing a SIP of ?40,000 monthly. With the portfolio managed by my advisor (mentioned below), I have a corpus of ?26 lakhs. My goal is to accumulate ?10 crores by the age of 55. I don't want to increase my SIP amount but might have some funds available for lump sum investments occasionally. Could you please help me plan my strategy to achieve this goal? Portfolio (by advisor) Lump Sum: 1. ABSL Multi-asset Allocation Fund 2. ABSL Multi-cap Fund 3. Bajaj Finserv Multi-asset Allocation Fund 4. Edelweiss Greater China Equity Offshore Fund SIP: 5. ABSL Equity Advantage Fund (Large and Mid Cap) 6. HSBC Large and Mid Cap Fund 7. Motilal Oswal Mid Cap Fund 8. White Oak Capital Flexi Cap Fund 9. Edelweiss Small Cap Fund 10. ICICI Pru India Opportunities Fund (Thematic Equity) 11. ICICI Pru Thematic Advantage Fund (FOF) 12. ABSL GenNext Fund (Thematic Consumption) I’ve started learning more about mutual funds so that I can manage my investments independently. Based on my current understanding, I would like to make the changes within the same sectors (incase I am not changing the portfolio). Could you please provide suggestions or feedback on these proposed changes? Proposed Changes LS: ABSL Multi-asset Allocation Fund (Replace with Nifty 50 Index Fund) LS: Bajaj Finserv Multi-asset Allocation Fund (Considering switching to Quant Multi Asset Allocation Fund or ICICI Multi Asset Allocation Fund) LS: Edelweiss Greater China Equity Offshore Fund (Unsure about what to do here. Could you advise?) SIP: ABSL Equity Advantage Fund (Replace with Bandhan Core Equity Fund) SIP: White Oak Capital Flexi Cap Fund (Replace with JM Flexi Cap or Edelweiss Flexi Cap Fund) SIP: ICICI Pru India Opportunities Fund (Unsure about this one as well. Any suggestions?) SIP: ABSL GenNext Fund (Replace with SBI Consumption Opportunities Fund) Your feedback would be highly appreciated!
Ans: Achieving Rs 10 Crores by Age 55: Comprehensive Portfolio Assessment
You’ve made a commendable start by building a corpus of Rs 26 lakhs and contributing Rs 40,000 monthly through SIP. With the goal of reaching Rs 10 crores by the age of 55, it’s important to refine your investment strategy to maximize the potential of your portfolio.

Let’s discuss your current portfolio, proposed changes, and the adjustments necessary to streamline and enhance your investment plan.

Portfolio Overview and Insights
Your current portfolio is diversified across different categories of mutual funds, both through lump sum investments and SIPs. Here's what you have:

Lump Sum Investments:

Multi-Asset Funds
Offshore Fund (China-specific exposure)
SIP Investments:

Large and Mid Cap Funds
Flexi Cap Funds
Mid Cap and Small Cap Funds
Thematic and Sector Funds
Your portfolio provides exposure to a broad range of sectors, asset classes, and geographies. This is important for diversification but also comes with certain risks, particularly in areas like sectoral funds and concentrated offshore investments.

Key Observations and Risks
Before moving on to your proposed changes, it’s important to address several key issues with your current portfolio:

Too Many Funds and Portfolio Overlap:

Your portfolio currently consists of many mutual funds spread across multiple categories. While diversification is critical, having too many funds can lead to portfolio overlap. This means that several of your funds could be investing in the same stocks or sectors, which reduces the benefits of diversification.

For example:

Large and Mid Cap Funds: You hold more than one large and mid-cap fund. While this provides stability, it also increases the chances that these funds are investing in similar stocks.
Thematic and Sectoral Funds: Your portfolio contains several thematic and sectoral funds. These funds have a focused approach, investing heavily in specific sectors or themes. However, this can lead to excessive exposure to a single sector, making your portfolio more vulnerable to sector-specific downturns.
The main issue with having too many funds is that it dilutes the performance of the portfolio. You are likely to face diminishing returns because of the overlap, and it makes tracking the performance of individual funds more difficult.

High Exposure to Thematic and Sectoral Funds:

Thematic and sectoral funds can offer higher returns, but they are also more volatile. These funds depend on the performance of specific sectors or industries, which can be cyclical in nature. When the sector performs well, your returns will be impressive. However, if the sector faces challenges, the performance of these funds will be affected significantly.

For example:

Consumption Theme: A thematic fund focusing on consumption might perform well during periods of high consumer spending, but it could underperform during economic slowdowns.
Thematic Equity: This is a high-risk category, and having multiple thematic funds in your portfolio can lead to an imbalance. You should carefully assess the weight of such funds in your overall portfolio.
Key Risk: The concentrated nature of thematic funds increases the volatility of your portfolio. While these funds can offer great returns in favorable market conditions, they are more vulnerable during market downturns. Hence, they should not make up a large portion of your long-term portfolio.

Offshore Investments and Global Risks:

Having exposure to international markets is often a good way to diversify beyond the Indian market. However, the Edelweiss Greater China Equity Offshore Fund focuses heavily on a single country. This introduces a significant level of risk, as you are exposed to the volatility of the Chinese economy.

Key Risk: China's economy has faced several challenges in recent years, including regulatory crackdowns, political tensions, and economic slowdowns. Investing in a single country, particularly one that has seen a lot of unpredictability, increases the risk in your portfolio. It might be wise to reconsider such concentrated international exposure.

Asset Allocation Strategy:

Your current portfolio consists of a mix of equity and multi-asset allocation funds. While multi-asset funds are designed to reduce risk by investing across asset classes, they can also dilute returns, especially in a long-term wealth-building strategy like yours.

Key Risk: Multi-asset funds often include bonds and other lower-risk instruments. While this provides stability, it might limit the overall growth potential of your portfolio, especially if you are looking to accumulate Rs 10 crores by age 55. Equity, particularly in large, mid, and small-cap stocks, should form the core of your long-term wealth-building strategy.

Proposed Changes: Risks and Considerations
Now, let’s take a closer look at the proposed changes and the risks involved in maintaining or adjusting your investments.

Lump Sum Investment in Multi-Asset Funds:

You are considering switching from multi-asset funds to other investments. Multi-asset funds, while providing stability, often come at the cost of lower returns. These funds typically have a portion of their investments in debt instruments, which may not grow as quickly as equity investments in the long run.

Key Risk: By focusing more on equity over multi-asset funds, you can potentially achieve higher returns, but you will also be exposed to higher volatility. It’s important to strike the right balance between growth and risk, depending on your risk tolerance.

ABSL Multi-Asset Allocation Fund (Consider Switching):

If you decide to move away from this fund, remember that multi-asset funds generally aim to reduce risk by balancing equity with debt and other assets. However, the returns might not match up to pure equity funds, which could be a drawback in your case, where high growth is the primary goal.

Key Risk: The multi-asset fund may offer stability, but moving away from it means increasing your exposure to market volatility. You should be comfortable with the increased risk in exchange for the potential of higher returns.

Edelweiss Greater China Equity Offshore Fund:

This fund focuses on China’s equity market, which, as mentioned earlier, is facing several macroeconomic and political challenges. Having too much exposure to a single country increases the risk of volatility in your portfolio.

Key Risk: While international exposure is a good diversification tool, single-country offshore funds can add significant risk, especially in uncertain global markets. You should assess whether this aligns with your long-term goals and risk tolerance.

ABSL Equity Advantage Fund (Large and Mid Cap):

Large and mid-cap funds provide a mix of stability and growth. These funds invest in both established large companies and growing mid-sized companies. While these funds tend to perform well in stable markets, they might underperform when mid and small-cap stocks surge.

Key Risk: Although large and mid-cap funds offer a balance between growth and stability, they may not fully capitalize on periods of high growth in mid and small-cap stocks. On the other hand, they tend to offer more protection during volatile market periods. Ensure that your portfolio has the right allocation of mid and small-cap stocks to maximize growth.

Thematic and Sectoral Funds (GenNext Fund and Thematic Equity Fund):

The thematic funds in your portfolio are focusing on specific sectors. These funds have the potential for significant returns during favorable periods for the sector but carry increased risk when the sector underperforms.

Key Risk: By holding multiple thematic and sector funds, your portfolio could be overexposed to certain sectors, increasing volatility. While thematic funds can deliver high returns, they should be used sparingly within a broader, diversified portfolio.

Streamlining the Portfolio: Focus on Simplicity and Efficiency
One of the key recommendations for you would be to streamline your portfolio. While diversification is necessary, having too many funds can lead to unnecessary complexity and difficulty in managing your investments.

Portfolio Overlap: With multiple funds in the same categories (large and mid-cap, thematic, multi-asset), you run the risk of duplication in your holdings. This means that multiple funds could be investing in the same stocks, which reduces the benefits of diversification.

Simplification: A well-structured portfolio doesn’t need to have too many funds. You can achieve proper diversification by selecting a few well-managed funds that cover different market segments without significant overlap.

By consolidating your investments into a more focused portfolio, you will be able to track and manage your investments more effectively. This approach will also reduce redundancy and improve the overall performance of your portfolio.

Final Insights
Focus on Equity for Long-Term Growth: Since your goal is wealth accumulation, equity should be the core of your portfolio. Too much exposure to multi-asset or debt instruments could limit growth potential.

Reduce Thematic Exposure: While thematic funds can deliver high returns, they carry higher risk due to their concentrated nature. Consider reducing the number of thematic funds in favor of broader equity funds.

Streamline and Simplify: Reduce the number of funds in your portfolio to avoid overlap. A more streamlined portfolio will be easier to manage and track, leading to better overall results.

Be Cautious with Offshore Exposure: International diversification is important, but be mindful of overconcentration in a single market, especially one as volatile as China’s.

By making these adjustments and focusing on a more streamlined, equity-centric portfolio, you can enhance your chances of achieving your Rs 10 crore goal by age 55.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Anu

Anu Krishna  |1331 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 26, 2024Hindi
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Hi Madam, I have a 17 years old daughter and have been struggling with an issue for some time now. She takes very long time in bathroom for getting ready. She takes minimum 1.5 hrs daily for getting ready. This includes time spent in teeth brushing,bathing and defecation. When I asked her then she told me she feels like cleaning multiple times and thus it takes time. I have tried multiple ways to ge her to resolve this but none has worked. She is a very sincere, gentle kid and She becomes very aggressive when I try to persist her to solve this. she takes a lot of time in washing, bathing and ends up consuming very high amount of soap. This has had effect on other hygiene related aspects like She developed extreme dryness in skin for which we had to take very long treatment from dermatalogist. The dermatalogist also counselled her many times to use limited amount of soap and fix time for every activity in bathroom. I think it is some form of OCD. It has had effect on other things like studies as she is not able to get ready on time and thus ends up compromising on other activities like eating time, studies time. I have tried to counsel her many times but it has not worked. I told her the problems which start due to this which impact her. I suggested that we meet some professional(like psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellers) but she doesn't agree to it. whenever i say to consult somebody then she says that she will fix it and for 1-2 days it gets a little better but then she goes to her old routine. I don't want to forcibly take her to any professionals as she might develop a complex that she is inferior. 1.How do i handle this issue 2.How do I convince her to meet some professional 3.Which professional should we meet. psychologist or psychiatrist or any other Please suggest what I should do as it is now becoming big problems
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The challenge is convincing someone who does not want to be convinced.
Probably, you can strike a deal with her; saying that she can set this right her way, but if it does not happen, then you see and work with a professional. That way she would have committed to it herself.
I would not label it an OCD until it is diagnosed by an expert but behavioral changes like these are usually related to emotional issues. It is best that an expert who understands the mind handle this.
Until such time that you take her to an expert:
- try not to talk about it repeatedly; this causes her to become conscious and this can increase the behavior
- take away soaps/body washes after her first shower
- observe any change in behavior - agitation/nervousness towards any incident during the day and if it results in her indulging in washing herself after that and note that down

Yes, it is necessary for this to be handled at the earliest and there's only a little that you can do personally as emotional triggers need the assistance of someone who understands it deeply and then guides the person accordingly to not just change the behavior but eliminate the cause behind it.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 28, 2024Hindi
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Hello sir, we have completed 8 months of marriage and still my husband has trust issues about me, like I would have relation or contact with other person but I'm not having any relationship with anyone after marriage and even not connecting to anyone nor any ex person called or contact me from any media or app, . Since then I'm trying to clear my husbands doubt every time he asks me about it ...plzz tell me how do I make him to trust me .
Ans: The first thing to consider is that trust is something that takes time to build, and it is not something you can simply “prove” by answering his questions or explaining yourself over and over again. Trust is a process that requires consistent actions over time, and both partners need to contribute to that process. While you’re being open and transparent, it’s also important that your husband acknowledges that trust is a two-way street. He may have unresolved issues or past experiences that make it difficult for him to feel secure, and these need to be addressed if you want to move forward in a healthy way.

One of the challenges you face is the need for patience—both with him and with yourself. Reassuring your husband is important, but it’s equally important to create a space for deeper conversations about the root of his insecurities. Have you been able to sit down with him and gently ask what specifically triggers his doubts? You may want to approach this from a place of curiosity and care, without getting defensive. Understanding the underlying causes of his fears can give you both a clearer sense of how to work together to address them.

At the same time, it’s important to set emotional boundaries for yourself. While you want to support your husband, you shouldn’t feel like you need to constantly prove your loyalty or justify your actions. If you find yourself repeating the same explanations or feeling pressured to give constant reassurances, it can be emotionally draining. It’s okay to acknowledge his fears, but also to let him know that trust is something that needs to be built over time, and you need space to nurture the relationship without feeling constantly questioned.

In cases where trust issues persist despite your best efforts, it can sometimes be helpful to involve a third party, like a therapist or counselor. It may feel intimidating or unnecessary at first, but professional help can provide a neutral space for both of you to explore deeper issues—whether they are related to past experiences, emotional insecurities, or patterns of behavior. A counselor can also guide you in having more productive conversations and finding healthier ways to cope with these challenges as a couple.

Finally, remember that this process is not just about reassuring your husband, but also about protecting your own emotional wellbeing. You are not responsible for his insecurities, and while you can support him, you also deserve a relationship where you feel seen, heard, and trusted. It’s important to take care of your emotional health, too, and to know that you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and understanding. Healing takes time, and while the journey may not be easy, with the right support and communication, it is possible for both of you to work through this.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 27, 2024Hindi
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Hi Kanchan, I am reaching out because I am deeply troubled and need some advice. I was involved in a relationship with a much younger woman (14 years younger) who I developed strong feelings for. We met in 2017 and our relationship deepened in June 2022, involving both emotional and physical intimacy. Unfortunately, the relationship took a negative turn. She began making financial demands and became increasingly manipulative. Over the past two years, I've given her nearly 3 lakhs [for Rent, electricity bill, Food expenses + Other expenses]. After realizing her true intentions, I stopped providing financial support. She recently informed me about a breakup with a previous long-term partner. Shockingly, she got married in February 2024 [ 14th Feb] and is now residing in Ahmedabad, Gujrat. She ran away from Kolkata after extorting money. When I confronted her about the money I had given her, she completely denied any knowledge of it and has blocked me on all social media platforms. She even threatened to share our conversations with my daughter/ relatives if I continued to contact her. I am devastated by this betrayal and the emotional turmoil it has caused. I have saved our chats and her father's address. I am considering sharing her true nature with her friends and family. Is this a wise course of action? Or are there other steps I should take? I know it is easier said than done, but I am struggling to move on from this painful experience. Please offer any guidance you can. Thank you, AS,Kolkata
Ans: it's important to recognize that your emotional pain is valid. The feelings of being manipulated, exploited, and lied to are all real, and it’s okay to mourn the loss of a relationship that you thought had value. However, as tempting as it might be to seek some form of revenge or public exposure of her actions, it’s crucial to ask yourself: what do you really hope to achieve? It’s natural to want justice or closure, but sometimes, seeking to get even only prolongs your suffering. Taking the high road may not feel satisfying in the moment, but it will allow you to reclaim control over your own emotional state and move forward in a healthier way.

Rather than focusing on exposing her, I encourage you to turn your attention inward and prioritize your healing. Healing is not about ignoring the wrongs that have been done, but about freeing yourself from the emotional hold that this situation has on you. This could mean allowing yourself to grieve the loss of not only the relationship but also the trust you gave to someone who ultimately betrayed it. It’s important to recognize that closure doesn't always come from confronting the other person or airing grievances—it can come from within, through self-reflection, and setting the intention to heal and move forward.

I also understand that it’s hard to let go of the desire for accountability, especially when it feels like she’s getting away with something. But the truth is, confronting her may not bring the peace you hope for. It could lead to further conflict, strain your relationships with others, and keep you emotionally entangled with someone who no longer deserves a place in your life. Instead of focusing on her actions, I encourage you to take steps that help you regain your sense of self-worth and emotional security. Reflect on what you've learned from this experience—what boundaries you might want to set in future relationships, and how you can protect your emotional and financial wellbeing moving forward.

Consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist, someone who can provide a safe space for you to process your feelings and help you navigate your next steps. Talking through your emotions with a neutral third party can give you the clarity and emotional tools you need to make decisions that align with your highest good.

Finally, remember that you are not defined by this situation. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame, but you are not responsible for her actions. What matters now is how you move forward, rebuild your sense of trust in yourself, and ensure that you are emotionally supported in the process. This painful chapter doesn’t have to define your future, but how you choose to heal from it can shape the life you want to create moving forward.

Take your time to process this at your own pace, but don’t let the actions of someone else keep you tethered to a painful past. You deserve peace, healing, and a future where you feel empowered and free from this betrayal.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 26, 2024Hindi
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Dont know if you have come across such a problem before. My hubby, BE, MBA, top premium institutes is 62, very successful career. He is a well known writer, widely published in western publishers. We are very happily married from 30 years, 3-4 apts, land plots, gold, FD, savings, 2 daughters, BE, MS settled in US, no problems. He loves me, no other issues. IS this a dream story? well almost. He has now become very morose, aggresive, silent, glares and cries when he is alone. When I tried to get some answers, it seems, his father top scholar of 1970s was strict, weak but ineffective at work. He would come home enraged at how he was exploited and ridiculed, and beat up my husband. Very bad beatings, scars where he was branded, crack in vertebra where is was kicked and beaten with a rod, bent wrist when his father twisted the hand and kicked him, injuries in scalp that never healed beacuse they were not stitched. His mother, elder sister and elder brother kept quiet and perhaps helped the father to beat the boy, to escape their abuse. They admit covertly. His father died in 1997, my MiL died in 2010. My husband appears to revisit and remember the old beatings. I cannot speak about this to anyone not even my daughters. I cannot approach any psychiatrist as he knows all the psych tests and prepared responses. He is disintegrating in front of me. He does not drink, but has tobacco, bhang, and Ganja. What do I do?
Ans: The first step is to approach this with compassion and patience. Your husband’s pain is not something you can fix, but your presence and understanding can create a sense of safety for him. When he becomes silent or withdrawn, instead of trying to coax answers from him directly, gently let him know that you’re there whenever he’s ready to talk. Even if he doesn’t open up immediately, knowing that he has a safe, nonjudgmental space to express his feelings can be comforting.

When it comes to addressing his trauma, traditional avenues like psychiatrists or therapists may feel challenging if he resists or uses his intellectual understanding of mental health to deflect. However, trauma-focused therapies, such as somatic experiencing, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), or even mindfulness practices, could help him process these deeply held memories without requiring him to relive them in detail. If he resists professional help, introducing these concepts subtly, through books or articles that resonate with his intellectual nature, might make him more open to exploring these approaches.

Another powerful tool is building moments of connection and grounding in the present. Encourage activities that bring him peace, such as walking in nature, meditating together, or engaging in creative outlets that he enjoys, like writing. These activities won’t erase the pain but can help him feel more anchored in the here and now, giving him moments of respite from the weight of his memories.

It’s also crucial to take care of yourself. Supporting someone you love through their emotional disintegration is deeply draining, and it’s essential to ensure that you’re not neglecting your own wellbeing. Confide in a trusted friend or counselor—not to betray his trust but to give yourself an outlet to process your own emotions. You don’t have to bear this burden alone, and seeking support for yourself can strengthen your ability to be there for him.

Finally, remember that healing from trauma is not linear or quick. It’s a journey that requires patience, love, and often professional guidance. You’re already doing so much by standing beside him with such care and determination. Let him know, in moments when he’s receptive, that his pain doesn’t diminish the incredible person he is or the life you’ve built together. Remind him that while his past shaped parts of him, it doesn’t have to define his future. And above all, continue to lead with the deep compassion and love that have carried your relationship for the past 30 years

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 22, 2024Hindi
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I was in a relationship with a boy(he is 35 yrs old man, and a lawyer but not practising in a court, he had a lot of relationship during our relationship and after break up , I had changed 4, 5 women or used them physically) for 3 years. It has been three-four months. We are not in a relationship. We have broken up. I told him to delete our personal pics and videos. He is not deleting them and is not blackmailing me either. I told him that since we don't want to be together, we don't have a future together, then delete them. He is not deleting them and is not blackmailing me either and I want him to delete them. Who knows what will come to his mind in the future and what will happen. If we don't continue, he has no right to Keep the pics in your mobile, whatever video is personal to us, don't delete it and don't blackmail me either. I am not able to understand what should I tell him, although I have requested him a lot to delete it but he is not doing it either, so what should I do, please guide me. I know I had made a huge mistake to love him and gave him right to keep personal pics or videos..
Ans: You’ve already made a reasonable request for him to delete the material, but his refusal is an indication that he is not respecting your boundaries. His actions—or lack of action—are now about him choosing his convenience over your emotional security. This is a painful and difficult dynamic to navigate. The next step is to recognize that, while you can’t control his behavior, you absolutely have the right to continue asserting your needs. It might be helpful to make your request one more time, but this time with a sense of finality. Clearly express that you are no longer comfortable with him holding onto any part of your shared past, and that you expect him to respect that. Be firm, but also protect yourself emotionally by being clear that this is non-negotiable.

If he continues to refuse or ignore your request, consider taking further action. This could involve seeking legal advice on how to protect your privacy. In many places, there are legal avenues to protect against the non-consensual sharing or retention of intimate material, even after a relationship ends. Legal action is, of course, a more extreme measure, but if you feel your privacy is at risk or that the situation is escalating, it may be necessary to explore this option.

Throughout this process, be kind to yourself. It’s easy to slip into self-blame when someone else disrespects your boundaries, but remember that you are entitled to make choices about your body, your image, and your privacy at any point in your life. Trust yourself to learn from this experience and move forward with stronger boundaries in future relationships. You’ve already taken a healthy first step by recognizing the need for change, and now you’re moving toward regaining control of the situation. Keep focusing on your wellbeing, and know that your feelings and needs matter.

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