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36-Year-Old Dependent on Job, Seeking Mutual Fund Advice

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 22, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Sunil Question by Sunil on Jun 12, 2024Hindi
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Hello sir I am 36 year old I am dependent only my job I am getting monthly 53k I don't have any EMI and I don't have own house I am paying rent 6000 and my daughter school fees annual 50k sir I am planning to put a mutual fund of money which is better for me please guide me

Ans: You are 36 years old. Your monthly income is Rs 53,000. You have no EMIs and no own house. Your rent is Rs 6,000. Your daughter’s school fees are Rs 50,000 annually.

Importance of Investing in Mutual Funds
Mutual funds can help grow your wealth. They offer professional management and diversification. These features can lead to better returns over time.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds are preferred over index funds. Index funds simply follow the market. This means limited returns.

Disadvantages of Index Funds:

Limited Flexibility: They only follow the index.
No Active Management: No adjustments based on market conditions.
Average Returns: Generally, just follow the market trend.
Advantages of Actively Managed Funds:

Higher Return Potential: Fund managers aim to outperform the market.
Active Adjustments: Portfolio changes based on market trends.
Professional Expertise: Managed by experienced professionals.
Regular Funds vs Direct Funds
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) offers many advantages over direct funds.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds:

Lack of Expert Guidance: No professional advice.
Time-Consuming: Requires constant monitoring.
Higher Risk: Without professional insights, risk increases.
Benefits of Regular Funds with CFP:

Professional Advice: Access to expert insights.
Better Decision Making: Informed investment choices.
Regular Monitoring: Constant portfolio reviews and adjustments.
Risk Management: Strategies to mitigate potential risks.
Recommended Investment Strategy
Start with a SIP: Invest a fixed amount monthly.
Diversify: Invest in a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds.
Long-Term Focus: Aim to invest for at least 10-15 years.
Review Regularly: Monitor performance and adjust as needed.
Steps to Begin
Consult a Certified Financial Planner: Get personalized advice.

Choose Reliable Fund Houses: Ensure they have a good track record.

Start SIP: Automate your monthly investments.

Monitor and Review: Check performance regularly and adjust if necessary.

Financial Planning Tips
Emergency Fund: Keep at least 6 months of expenses as an emergency fund.
Insurance: Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance.
Education Fund: Plan for your daughter’s higher education expenses.
Retirement Planning: Start planning for retirement early.
Final Insights
Investing in mutual funds is a wise decision. Actively managed funds offer better returns than index funds. By investing through a Certified Financial Planner, you get professional advice and regular monitoring. Start with a SIP, diversify your investments, and stay focused on long-term goals. Monitor your investments and adjust as needed for the best results.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 05, 2024Hindi
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Hi,Sir . Iam currently having Salary of 1 Lac per month. So far I have started my investments into PPF, NPS, Term Life, Health Insurance of both Parents and self. So far having expenses arround 40000. I initially planned to invest in chits but due to frauds I am scared hence looking for Mutual funds as an option.
Ans: It's great to hear that you're actively planning your investments and considering options like mutual funds. Given your monthly salary of Rs. 1 lakh and existing investments in PPF, NPS, and insurance, let's explore how mutual funds can complement your financial strategy.

Mitigating Risks with Mutual Funds:

Considering recent incidents with chits, it's understandable to seek safer investment avenues. Mutual funds offer professional management and regulatory oversight, reducing the risk of fraud or mismanagement.

Diversification and Risk Management:

Mutual funds pool money from multiple investors to invest in a diversified portfolio of stocks, bonds, or other assets. This diversification helps spread risk and potentially enhances returns compared to individual investments.

Types of Mutual Funds:

Equity Funds: These funds invest primarily in stocks, offering growth potential over the long term. They suit investors with a higher risk tolerance and longer investment horizon.

Debt Funds: Debt funds invest in fixed-income securities such as bonds and government securities. They provide stability and regular income, making them suitable for conservative investors.

Hybrid Funds: Hybrid or balanced funds invest in a mix of equities and debt instruments. They offer a balanced risk-return profile, catering to investors seeking both growth and income.

Investment Considerations:

Risk Appetite: Assess your risk tolerance and investment goals to determine the most suitable mutual fund categories for your portfolio.

Investment Horizon: Mutual funds are ideal for long-term wealth creation. Determine your investment horizon and choose funds aligned with your time horizon.

Expense Management: Mutual funds charge management fees, known as expense ratios. Compare expense ratios and opt for funds with competitive fees to maximize returns.

Tax Efficiency: Consider tax implications when selecting mutual funds. Equity funds held for over one year qualify for long-term capital gains tax benefits, while debt funds are subject to different tax rules.

Consultation and Research:

Before investing, conduct thorough research on different mutual funds, considering factors such as fund performance, track record, and fund manager expertise. Additionally, seek advice from a Certified Financial Planner to tailor your investment strategy to your financial goals and risk profile.

Conclusion:

Mutual funds offer a transparent, regulated, and diversified investment avenue suitable for investors of varying risk profiles. By aligning your investments with your financial objectives and risk tolerance, you can build a robust portfolio for long-term wealth accumulation.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 23, 2024

Money
Hi Sir.I am 34 yrs.I want to invest in mutual fund.but not sure which 1 choose for invest.please guide me.maximum 10k possible to invest.
Ans: Investing in mutual funds is a smart move, especially at your age. At 34, you have plenty of time to grow your wealth. Starting with Rs 10,000 per month is a solid beginning. This amount can gradually build a significant corpus over time.

Understanding Your Financial Goals
Before choosing a mutual fund, it's crucial to understand your financial goals. Are you investing for retirement, a child's education, or just to build wealth? Defining your goals will help in selecting the right fund that aligns with your objectives.

Short-Term Goals: If your goal is within the next 3-5 years, you might consider funds that offer stability and lower risk.

Long-Term Goals: For goals beyond 5 years, you can afford to take more risk, which could lead to higher returns.

Importance of Risk Tolerance
Understanding your risk tolerance is key to choosing the right fund.

Aggressive Investor: If you’re comfortable with market fluctuations, you can invest in equity funds that have higher return potential but also higher risk.

Moderate Investor: If you prefer a balance, hybrid funds that mix equity and debt could be ideal.

Conservative Investor: If you prefer stability over growth, debt funds might suit you, offering lower returns but with less risk.

Benefits of Mutual Funds
Mutual funds offer many benefits, making them a preferred choice for investors:

Diversification: Mutual funds invest in a range of assets, spreading risk across various sectors.

Professional Management: Your money is managed by professionals who aim to maximize returns.

Flexibility: You can start with small amounts and increase your investment as your income grows.

The Case for Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds are often a better choice than index funds, especially for someone just starting.

Potential for Higher Returns: These funds aim to outperform the market, providing better returns over time.

Professional Oversight: Fund managers actively make decisions to capitalize on market opportunities.

Adaptability: Actively managed funds can adjust their strategies based on market conditions, offering a dynamic approach to investing.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Index Funds and Direct Funds
While index funds are popular, they have limitations:

Limited Growth: Index funds only track the market, which might not yield the best returns.

No Active Management: Without active oversight, index funds miss out on opportunities to outperform the market.

Similarly, direct funds, though they offer lower expense ratios, might not be the best option:

Lack of Guidance: Direct funds require you to make all the decisions, which can be overwhelming without proper knowledge.

Responsibility: Managing direct funds involves staying updated on market trends, which might be challenging if you lack experience.

Investment Options for Rs 10,000 Per Month
Given your budget and goals, here are a few strategies you might consider:

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP): A SIP allows you to invest Rs 10,000 monthly, making it a disciplined approach to investing. Over time, this can compound and grow into a substantial amount.

Equity Funds: If you’re looking for long-term growth, consider allocating a significant portion of your investment to equity funds. They offer the potential for higher returns, especially over a 5-10 year period.

Hybrid Funds: To balance risk and returns, hybrid funds are a good option. They invest in both equity and debt, providing stability while still aiming for growth.

The Importance of Patience and Discipline
Investing is not a sprint; it’s a marathon. Patience and discipline are key. By staying invested for the long term, you allow your investments to benefit from the power of compounding.

Avoid Frequent Switching: Switching between funds frequently can reduce your returns. Stick to your investment plan unless there’s a significant change in your financial goals or market conditions.

Regular Review: While it’s important not to switch too often, regularly reviewing your portfolio ensures that your investments are aligned with your goals. Adjustments can be made if necessary, but they should be based on long-term objectives.

Tax Efficiency and Benefits
Mutual funds also offer tax benefits:

Equity-Linked Savings Scheme (ELSS): Investing in ELSS funds provides tax benefits under Section 80C of the Income Tax Act. This dual benefit of potential growth and tax savings can enhance your overall returns.

Long-Term Capital Gains (LTCG): Gains from equity mutual funds held for more than a year are taxed at a lower rate. This makes mutual funds more tax-efficient compared to other investment options.

Role of Insurance in Your Financial Plan
While investing is crucial, ensuring that you have adequate insurance coverage is equally important. Life and health insurance protect your family’s financial future, ensuring that your investments remain on track even in unforeseen circumstances.

Life Insurance: Make sure you have enough life insurance coverage to protect your family’s financial future in your absence.

Health Insurance: Adequate health insurance ensures that medical emergencies do not derail your financial goals.

Final Insights
Starting with Rs 10,000 per month is a great beginning. With a clear understanding of your goals and risk tolerance, you can choose the right mutual funds to help you achieve your financial objectives.

Avoid the pitfalls of index and direct funds, and consider the benefits of actively managed funds. Regular reviews, patience, and discipline will ensure that your investments grow over time.

Ensure that your insurance coverage is adequate, so your financial future remains secure. Stay invested, stay focused, and let your money work for you.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 29, 2024Hindi
Money
hi, i am 41 year old male leaving in pune with wife and 2 daughters (9 year and 1.5 year old). i have following...monthly income 2.25 lakh after tax deduction, around 50 lakh in mutual fund, 30 lakh in share market(including SGBs), house worth 80 lakh with 20 lakh home loan pending, 40 lakh in EPF, 8 lakh in PPF and 5 lakh in sukanya...having 47000 monthly SIP in mutual fund, i want to plan for my daughter college education and marriage and retirement after 50 years. Please advice...also i have 7 lakh in savings account which i want to invest in debt mutual funds which type of mutual fund is suitable.
Ans: At 41 years of age with a secure income of Rs. 2.25 lakh per month, you are in a strong position. Your savings across mutual funds, stocks, gold bonds, EPF, and PPF demonstrate a good investment strategy. Additionally, your regular SIP of Rs. 47,000 shows a commitment to disciplined investing.

Your primary goals include:

Planning for your daughters' education and marriage.
Achieving a secure retirement at or after 50 years.
Managing your existing home loan efficiently.
Let’s create a 360-degree financial plan to address each of your goals and strengthen your financial security.

Efficient Debt Management
Your current home loan of Rs. 20 lakh should be a priority to manage effectively. If possible, channel bonuses or extra cash towards prepaying this loan.

Prepayment will reduce your long-term interest burden and free up future cash flows.

Consider a partial repayment each year to align loan closure with your retirement goals. This ensures peace of mind when you retire without liabilities.

Retirement Planning Strategy
To retire comfortably, you will need a regular income post-retirement to meet household expenses and inflation.

Continue your SIPs in diversified mutual funds with a focus on large-cap, mid-cap, and flexi-cap funds. These funds align well with long-term growth and offer potential to outpace inflation.

Maintain your EPF contributions. Additionally, review if you can increase voluntary contributions to build a stronger retirement corpus.

While your PPF investment of Rs. 8 lakh is a safe option, focus more on mutual funds for long-term growth. Debt funds with predictable returns will not grow as fast as equity funds over the long term.

Daughters’ Education and Marriage Planning
You have Rs. 5 lakh in Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY). Continue contributing to this account for your daughters. It offers assured returns and tax benefits, which will help meet their future needs.

Your goal for their education is approximately 8-10 years away. Allocate a portion of your mutual fund SIPs toward dedicated children’s funds or balanced hybrid funds. These funds balance risk and reward well for medium-term goals.

For their marriages, you can target equity mutual funds with a time frame of 15 years. SIPs in large-cap and mid-cap funds should provide better returns over this period.

Investment of Rs. 7 Lakh in Debt Funds
As you wish to invest the Rs. 7 lakh in debt mutual funds, consider categories like short-term debt funds or corporate bond funds. These funds offer better returns than savings accounts and reasonable liquidity.

Avoid long-duration funds as they can be volatile with changing interest rates. Stick to debt funds with a lower maturity profile for safety and stable returns.

Debt funds are also taxed efficiently, with gains taxed only at withdrawal. Ensure you withdraw only when required to minimize your tax burden.

Home Loan vs Investment
Evaluate the balance between repaying the home loan early and continuing your investments. If your equity mutual funds are delivering higher returns than the home loan interest, prioritize investing.

However, if the psychological comfort of clearing the loan matters more, prepayment is a valid strategy.

Building Emergency Fund and Liquidity
Keep at least 6-9 months of household expenses aside in an emergency fund. Your savings account balance is a good starting point.

Avoid investing the entire Rs. 7 lakh in debt funds. Keep some amount liquid for unexpected needs.

Portfolio Diversification and Fine-tuning
You have Rs. 50 lakh invested in mutual funds and Rs. 30 lakh in shares and SGBs. Continue reviewing your mutual fund portfolio annually. Switch funds if they underperform consistently over 2-3 years.

Avoid direct investments in the stock market unless you have time and expertise to manage them. Consider shifting some funds into mutual funds managed by professionals.

With actively managed mutual funds, you benefit from expert management and better potential returns compared to index funds.

Regular vs Direct Mutual Funds
While direct mutual funds may offer lower expense ratios, investing through a certified financial planner ensures proper guidance. They monitor your portfolio and make necessary adjustments for changing market conditions.

Regular funds through a certified financial planner offer long-term value as they help align your investments with your goals.

Tax Planning Considerations
For equity mutual funds, long-term capital gains (LTCG) beyond Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

Debt fund gains are taxed according to your income tax slab, whether they are short-term or long-term gains. Plan withdrawals strategically to optimize taxes.

Continue investing in tax-efficient instruments like PPF and SSY for additional savings.

Insurance and Risk Management
Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance to protect your family from unforeseen risks.

If your existing insurance coverage is low, consider enhancing it to match your financial responsibilities.

Final Insights
With your current financial discipline, you are well-positioned to achieve your goals. Keep an eye on changing needs and market conditions.

You are already on the right track by balancing investments across equity, debt, and safe instruments. Fine-tuning your strategy, as outlined, will strengthen your plan further.

Your regular SIPs will build wealth over time, while debt funds will provide stability and liquidity. Monitor your portfolio periodically, adjust as needed, and continue building your corpus confidently.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |953 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
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I am 41, but single now. I got married when I was 32 and got divorced in 6 months after I found out my wife was cheating on me with her ex who she was forbidden from getting married. When confronted she simply walked away and sent me a divorce notice. The next three years were spent in courts trying to tell my version of the story. Since then I have had a tough time trusting people. My marriage was unfortunate and short lived. But my parents still want me to try again. I am in a live-in relationship with a girl who is 3 years elder to me. Are unmarried couples happier than married ones? I feel marriage can restrict you in many ways which is why people feel stagnated and bored. What do you think?
Ans: When it comes to happiness, it really depends on the individuals involved rather than whether they are married or unmarried. Some couples thrive in a marriage because they see it as a partnership built on mutual respect and emotional security. Others feel stifled by the societal expectations and responsibilities that often come with marriage. A live-in relationship can offer more flexibility and personal freedom, but it also comes with its own challenges—such as a lack of legal protections or social acceptance in certain cultures.

The key is understanding what works best for you. If you feel content in your current live-in relationship and it gives you the companionship, trust, and emotional fulfillment you need, then that’s what truly matters. However, if you feel hesitant mainly because of past trauma rather than your actual desires, it might be worth reflecting on whether your fears are holding you back from something you may actually want deep down.

At the end of the day, happiness isn’t about being married or unmarried—it’s about being in a relationship (or choosing to be single) that makes you feel emotionally secure, valued, and free to be yourself. If marriage feels like a cage to you, then it may not be the right path. But if you ever find a connection that makes commitment feel like a choice rather than an obligation, your perspective might shift. The most important thing is that whatever path you choose, it aligns with your true needs and not just the expectations of others.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Listen
Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I would like to stay anonymous. Im 27F, recently got engaged and my wedding is in 5 months from now. This match is arranged by my parents within our community. Initially things went well, but after the engagement when we went outside for dinner he was speaking well but before leaving he said this is a suggestion from my end and told that there is slight space between my two teeth in the front and while smiling it creates black image in the photos. So it would be best if i would use invisible aligners so that before wedding it would be fixed adding to this he said he will take care of the expenses and he said he had this thought for a week so its better to disclose it with me. He also said that he didn't tell this to his parents he wanted to check my thoughts on this first, also he said he wanted myself to look very very pretty on the wedding and his relatives should say "Wow, we have never seen such a pretty bride", also he commented about my hair being short actually its medium length but i like to keep my hair short. I really got frustrated when he said all those things this got me very irritated. I didn't speak much, i said i wanted to leave and he dropped me at my place. The next day i asked him if we can meet again to get clarification on this thing, when i asked him the next day about this he said "its just a suggestion if you can take it its fine or you can leave it its upto you". He never accepted that he hurted me or made a wrong statement he kept on saying he didn't mean that way i took it very personally and im creating unnecessary ruckus. at last he said i could have said things differently but he didn't ask for sorry at all. I thought he wont talk about my features again but then after a week he again asked me you were eating outside food for a week you should have gained weight(trying to be funny here), i said no. Because him and his mother already asked about my weight like "why are you so thin? you could have put up some weight know"? I have been in this weight for many years, how much ever i eat my weight remains the same its because of the genetics. But people dont understand this and easily ask some body shaming questions. After this event he is not talking like before and even i dont push him, one of my friend asked me to take initiative and make calls to stop this awkward situation and i took lead called him four times in a week he spoke but he didn't bothered to call me again he was only texting after that too im okay with that but still i feel he might ask me to make changes in my feature, weight etc before the wedding. Im not sure how to deal with this.
Ans: When someone loves and accepts you, they don’t focus on “fixing” things about you to meet external standards, whether it’s for wedding photos or to impress relatives. His insistence that you should look “very, very pretty” for others’ approval shows that his priorities might not align with yours. You weren’t looking for a makeover; you were looking for a life partner who values you for who you are.

His response when you tried to talk about it also speaks volumes. Instead of acknowledging your feelings and reassuring you, he dismissed your concerns, making it seem like you were overreacting. A partner who truly cares would have listened, understood why you felt hurt, and taken responsibility for how his words affected you. Instead, he shifted the blame onto you for "creating unnecessary ruckus," which shows a lack of emotional maturity.

The weight comments, too, are unnecessary and inconsiderate. Genetics determine body type, and no one should feel the need to change themselves to meet someone else’s expectations. His family’s remarks about your weight, combined with his attitude, suggest that this won’t stop after the wedding. If they’re already making you feel self-conscious now, imagine the expectations and unsolicited “suggestions” that might continue in the future.

The distance that has formed between you both after this conversation isn’t just about awkwardness—it’s about emotional disconnection. A strong relationship is built on respect, comfort, and mutual appreciation, not on one person feeling judged and the other acting indifferent. The fact that you had to take the lead in calling him multiple times, while he didn’t reciprocate the effort, says a lot. A healthy relationship should feel mutual, not one-sided.

Right now, you need to ask yourself: Can you truly be yourself in this relationship, or will you constantly feel pressured to meet his and his family’s expectations? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel like you have to defend your choices, your body, and your appearance?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and your peace of mind matters. If his attitude is already making you question yourself and feel frustrated, you have every right to reconsider. You don’t need to “deal” with this by adjusting to his expectations—you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend your life in.

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Radheshyam

Radheshyam Zanwar  |1172 Answers  |Ask -

MHT-CET, IIT-JEE, NEET-UG Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Career
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Ans: Hello Govinda.
Thanks for sharing the important information with us and our readers.

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