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41-Year-Old Dad Seeks Advice on Daughter's Education, Marriage, and Retirement

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 30, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 29, 2024Hindi
Money

hi, i am 41 year old male leaving in pune with wife and 2 daughters (9 year and 1.5 year old). i have following...monthly income 2.25 lakh after tax deduction, around 50 lakh in mutual fund, 30 lakh in share market(including SGBs), house worth 80 lakh with 20 lakh home loan pending, 40 lakh in EPF, 8 lakh in PPF and 5 lakh in sukanya...having 47000 monthly SIP in mutual fund, i want to plan for my daughter college education and marriage and retirement after 50 years. Please advice...also i have 7 lakh in savings account which i want to invest in debt mutual funds which type of mutual fund is suitable.

Ans: At 41 years of age with a secure income of Rs. 2.25 lakh per month, you are in a strong position. Your savings across mutual funds, stocks, gold bonds, EPF, and PPF demonstrate a good investment strategy. Additionally, your regular SIP of Rs. 47,000 shows a commitment to disciplined investing.

Your primary goals include:

Planning for your daughters' education and marriage.
Achieving a secure retirement at or after 50 years.
Managing your existing home loan efficiently.
Let’s create a 360-degree financial plan to address each of your goals and strengthen your financial security.

Efficient Debt Management
Your current home loan of Rs. 20 lakh should be a priority to manage effectively. If possible, channel bonuses or extra cash towards prepaying this loan.

Prepayment will reduce your long-term interest burden and free up future cash flows.

Consider a partial repayment each year to align loan closure with your retirement goals. This ensures peace of mind when you retire without liabilities.

Retirement Planning Strategy
To retire comfortably, you will need a regular income post-retirement to meet household expenses and inflation.

Continue your SIPs in diversified mutual funds with a focus on large-cap, mid-cap, and flexi-cap funds. These funds align well with long-term growth and offer potential to outpace inflation.

Maintain your EPF contributions. Additionally, review if you can increase voluntary contributions to build a stronger retirement corpus.

While your PPF investment of Rs. 8 lakh is a safe option, focus more on mutual funds for long-term growth. Debt funds with predictable returns will not grow as fast as equity funds over the long term.

Daughters’ Education and Marriage Planning
You have Rs. 5 lakh in Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY). Continue contributing to this account for your daughters. It offers assured returns and tax benefits, which will help meet their future needs.

Your goal for their education is approximately 8-10 years away. Allocate a portion of your mutual fund SIPs toward dedicated children’s funds or balanced hybrid funds. These funds balance risk and reward well for medium-term goals.

For their marriages, you can target equity mutual funds with a time frame of 15 years. SIPs in large-cap and mid-cap funds should provide better returns over this period.

Investment of Rs. 7 Lakh in Debt Funds
As you wish to invest the Rs. 7 lakh in debt mutual funds, consider categories like short-term debt funds or corporate bond funds. These funds offer better returns than savings accounts and reasonable liquidity.

Avoid long-duration funds as they can be volatile with changing interest rates. Stick to debt funds with a lower maturity profile for safety and stable returns.

Debt funds are also taxed efficiently, with gains taxed only at withdrawal. Ensure you withdraw only when required to minimize your tax burden.

Home Loan vs Investment
Evaluate the balance between repaying the home loan early and continuing your investments. If your equity mutual funds are delivering higher returns than the home loan interest, prioritize investing.

However, if the psychological comfort of clearing the loan matters more, prepayment is a valid strategy.

Building Emergency Fund and Liquidity
Keep at least 6-9 months of household expenses aside in an emergency fund. Your savings account balance is a good starting point.

Avoid investing the entire Rs. 7 lakh in debt funds. Keep some amount liquid for unexpected needs.

Portfolio Diversification and Fine-tuning
You have Rs. 50 lakh invested in mutual funds and Rs. 30 lakh in shares and SGBs. Continue reviewing your mutual fund portfolio annually. Switch funds if they underperform consistently over 2-3 years.

Avoid direct investments in the stock market unless you have time and expertise to manage them. Consider shifting some funds into mutual funds managed by professionals.

With actively managed mutual funds, you benefit from expert management and better potential returns compared to index funds.

Regular vs Direct Mutual Funds
While direct mutual funds may offer lower expense ratios, investing through a certified financial planner ensures proper guidance. They monitor your portfolio and make necessary adjustments for changing market conditions.

Regular funds through a certified financial planner offer long-term value as they help align your investments with your goals.

Tax Planning Considerations
For equity mutual funds, long-term capital gains (LTCG) beyond Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

Debt fund gains are taxed according to your income tax slab, whether they are short-term or long-term gains. Plan withdrawals strategically to optimize taxes.

Continue investing in tax-efficient instruments like PPF and SSY for additional savings.

Insurance and Risk Management
Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance to protect your family from unforeseen risks.

If your existing insurance coverage is low, consider enhancing it to match your financial responsibilities.

Final Insights
With your current financial discipline, you are well-positioned to achieve your goals. Keep an eye on changing needs and market conditions.

You are already on the right track by balancing investments across equity, debt, and safe instruments. Fine-tuning your strategy, as outlined, will strengthen your plan further.

Your regular SIPs will build wealth over time, while debt funds will provide stability and liquidity. Monitor your portfolio periodically, adjust as needed, and continue building your corpus confidently.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 20, 2024Hindi
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Hi sir, I am 39 year old. Earning 1.8 l per month. Invested in stocks upto 1 lakh.Invested in gold for 2lakhs. Invested in ppf upto 13 lakhs and continuing it, investing in SSY upto 1lakhs from 2019 for girl child.Invested in NPS upto 1 lakh. Having term insurance for 2cr paying 3800rs per month. Having endowment policy for next 21 years. Having medical insurance upto 30 lakh sum assured having premium about 70k per year for myself, dependant and a kid. Having medical insurance sum assured upto 5 lakh each for parents having premium of 42k per year. Having a car loan of 20lakhs for next 4 years, having a personal loan of upto 4 lakhs and will end up in December. Planning for retirement corpus of 5 cr in next 15 years, and planning for child higher education for 12 years with 2 cr and marriage in next 20 years for another 2cr. Planning to buy plot in 3 years worth 75 lakhs,Am I going in right financial path? Which mutual fund needs to be considered to achieve these goal?
Ans: Evaluating Your Current Financial Situation
You are 39 years old with a monthly income of Rs. 1.8 lakhs.

Your investments include Rs. 1 lakh in stocks, Rs. 2 lakhs in gold, and Rs. 13 lakhs in PPF.

You also invest in SSY for your daughter, with Rs. 1 lakh since 2019, and Rs. 1 lakh in NPS.

You have a term insurance cover of Rs. 2 crores and an endowment policy.

Your medical insurance covers you, your dependents, and your parents.

You have a car loan of Rs. 20 lakhs and a personal loan of Rs. 4 lakhs ending in December.

Setting Financial Goals
Your financial goals include a retirement corpus of Rs. 5 crores in 15 years.

You plan to fund your child's higher education with Rs. 2 crores in 12 years.

You also plan for your child's marriage with Rs. 2 crores in 20 years.

Additionally, you plan to buy a plot worth Rs. 75 lakhs in 3 years.

Assessing Current Investments
Your current investments are diversified but may need adjustments to meet your goals.

The PPF and SSY investments are good for secure, long-term growth.

Stock and gold investments add diversity but require careful monitoring.

Evaluating Insurance Coverage
You have substantial insurance coverage with term and medical policies.

Ensure the term insurance adequately covers your family's financial needs.

Your medical insurance provides good coverage, but review the premiums regularly.

Managing Debt
You have a car loan of Rs. 20 lakhs and a personal loan ending soon.

Prioritize paying off high-interest loans quickly to free up cash flow.

Managing debt effectively is crucial for financial stability.

Retirement Planning
To achieve Rs. 5 crores in 15 years, invest in high-growth mutual funds.

Assume an average annual return of 12% for equity mutual funds.

You need to invest approximately Rs. 85,000 monthly in SIPs.

Child's Education Planning
For Rs. 2 crores in 12 years, focus on high-growth mutual funds.

Assuming a 12% annual return, invest around Rs. 55,000 monthly in SIPs.

Consider starting a dedicated fund for your child's education.

Child's Marriage Planning
For Rs. 2 crores in 20 years, invest in balanced mutual funds.

Assuming a 10% annual return, invest around Rs. 27,000 monthly in SIPs.

Longer investment duration allows for balanced funds to grow steadily.

Plot Purchase Planning
For buying a plot worth Rs. 75 lakhs in 3 years, consider short-term debt mutual funds.

These funds offer moderate returns with lower risk compared to equities.

Invest around Rs. 2 lakhs monthly in short-term debt funds.

Choosing Mutual Funds
Select a mix of equity, balanced, and debt mutual funds for diversification.

Equity funds provide high returns for long-term goals.

Balanced funds offer moderate growth with less risk for medium-term goals.

Debt funds ensure stability for short-term goals.

Risk Management
Diversify investments to manage risk effectively.

Review your portfolio regularly to adjust based on market conditions.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) for personalized risk management strategies.

Tax Planning
Invest in tax-saving mutual funds to reduce your tax liability.

Utilize Section 80C deductions for investments in PPF, SSY, and ELSS funds.

Efficient tax planning enhances overall returns.

Regular Review and Adjustment
Monitor your investments regularly to ensure they align with your goals.

Adjust your SIP amounts and fund selections based on performance.

Stay informed about market trends and economic changes.

Emergency Fund Consideration
Maintain an emergency fund for unforeseen expenses.

An emergency fund provides financial security and peace of mind.

Ensure it is easily accessible and separate from your investment portfolio.

Consulting a Certified Financial Planner
A CFP can help create a detailed investment strategy.

They provide personalized advice based on your financial situation.

A CFP can guide you in selecting the right mutual funds and adjusting your portfolio.

Avoiding Common Investment Mistakes
Avoid investing in quick-rich schemes, as they are risky and often lead to losses.

Stick to disciplined investing through SIPs for long-term wealth creation.

Do not make impulsive decisions based on short-term market fluctuations.

Benefits of Long-Term Investing
Long-term investing allows your money to grow through compounding.

It helps overcome short-term market volatility.

Stay invested for the long term to achieve your financial goals.

Monitoring Market Conditions
Stay informed about market trends and economic conditions.

However, do not let short-term market movements dictate your investment decisions.

Focus on your long-term investment strategy.

Conclusion
Your current financial path is strong, but adjustments can help you reach your goals.

Invest Rs. 85,000 monthly in equity mutual funds for retirement.

Invest Rs. 55,000 monthly for child's education and Rs. 27,000 for marriage in SIPs.

Consider Rs. 2 lakhs monthly in short-term debt funds for plot purchase.

Consult a CFP for personalized advice and regular portfolio review.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 04, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I am 33 year old with monthly income of 1.3 lac. My wife is also working with monthly income of 65k. I have home loan of 35 lac for which EMI is increased upto 50k now and remaining term is 4.5 years.My wife and me are collectively investing in mutual funds for Rs 40k/month in multiple small , mid and large cap funds. My wife and me have collectively 8 lac in MF's now. Apart from this I have 2.5 lac in equity shares. We want to save and invest for kids future education. (Currently one kid 3 years old and expecting one in few months) Also want to make retirement fund planning.
Ans: You and your wife earn Rs 1.95 lakh per month. You have a home loan of Rs 35 lakh with an EMI of Rs 50k. The loan term left is 4.5 years. You invest Rs 40k per month in mutual funds. You have Rs 8 lakh in MFs and Rs 2.5 lakh in equities.

Financial Goals
Kids' Future Education: Plan and save for children's education.
Retirement Fund: Build a retirement corpus.
Saving and Investment Strategy
1. Continue with SIPs in Mutual Funds
Consistent Investing: Continue Rs 40k/month in SIPs across small, mid, and large cap funds.
Diversification: Diversify to balance risk and return.
2. Increase Investment Gradually
Step-up SIP: Increase SIP amount annually to enhance growth.
Bonus and Increments: Allocate part of bonuses and increments to SIPs.
3. Kids' Education Fund
Dedicated Fund: Start a dedicated SIP for kids' education.
Education Costs: Estimate future education costs and plan accordingly.
Long-Term Growth: Invest in equity-oriented funds for long-term growth.
4. Retirement Planning
Target Corpus: Determine the desired retirement corpus.
Long-Term SIPs: Invest in long-term SIPs for retirement.
Diversified Portfolio: Maintain a mix of equity, debt, and balanced funds.
5. Equity Shares
Review Portfolio: Regularly review and rebalance your equity portfolio.
Long-Term Growth: Focus on long-term growth rather than short-term gains.
6. Debt Management
Home Loan Prepayment: Consider prepaying the home loan when possible.
Reduced Interest: Early repayment reduces interest burden.
Professional Guidance
1. Certified Financial Planner
Personalized Plan: Get a tailored investment plan from a CFP.
Regular Review: Periodically review and adjust your financial plan.
2. Active Fund Management
Professional Management: Actively managed funds can adapt to market changes.
Better Returns: Aim for better returns than index funds.
Analytical Insights
Long-Term Growth
Power of Compounding: Regular SIPs benefit from compounding over time.
Market Trends: Equity markets usually provide higher returns in the long run.
Risk Management
Diversification: Spread investments across various funds to mitigate risk.
Professional Advice: A CFP can help navigate market volatility.
Final Insights
You and your wife have a solid financial foundation. Continue with your SIPs and increase investments gradually. Focus on dedicated funds for kids' education and retirement. Consider prepaying your home loan to reduce interest. Regularly review your investments with a certified financial planner. This disciplined approach will ensure a secure financial future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 26, 2024

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Hi Ramalingam Sir, Hope you doing great and healthy. Sir, I am 34 year old and having 2 daughter 7 year old and 6 months old. My house hold (me and spouse) income is 1 lakh 30k in hand. My monthly expenses are around 35000 and school expenses are 20000 quarterly. I have monthly EMI of 50000 which will be ending on July-25. I have a land worth 31 lakh, and investing 5k monthly in PPF. I have term insurance of 1cr. I want to plan my financial in systematic way. I have surplus of 10k more monthly which I have to invest, please suggest any Mutual Fund in 60% equity and 40% debt. I have a future goal in 2026 of building my own home on land I purchased with construction loan. Also I want to build some corpus for both daughters education. Please help me how I can plan to meet a good financial life.
Ans: Current Financial Overview
You have a stable household income of Rs. 1,30,000 per month. Your monthly expenses are Rs. 35,000, with quarterly school expenses of Rs. 20,000. You have a significant EMI of Rs. 50,000, which will end in July 2025. You invest Rs. 5,000 in PPF monthly and have a term insurance of Rs. 1 crore. You own land worth Rs. 31 lakhs and have an additional Rs. 10,000 monthly for investment.

Financial Goals
Build a home on your land by 2026.
Create a corpus for your daughters' education.
Systematically invest the surplus Rs. 10,000.
Expense Management
Your expenses are well-managed, but optimizing them can provide more room for savings. Review your expenses periodically and adjust where possible. Consider small lifestyle changes that can help reduce costs without impacting your quality of life.

Investment Strategy
Public Provident Fund (PPF)
You are already investing in PPF, which is a good long-term, tax-saving investment. Continue this as it provides a secure and tax-efficient growth for your funds.

Mutual Funds: Equity and Debt Allocation
For your surplus Rs. 10,000, investing in a balanced mutual fund with a 60% equity and 40% debt allocation is wise. This provides growth potential with moderate risk.

Equity Component (60%):

Invest in diversified equity mutual funds.
Focus on funds with a track record of consistent performance.
This portion will help in wealth creation over the long term.
Debt Component (40%):

Invest in debt mutual funds for stability and regular income.
These funds have lower risk and provide steady returns.
They will balance the volatility of the equity portion.
Home Construction Goal
You aim to build a home by 2026. Start planning for the construction loan early. Ensure you have a clear budget and timeline. Keep a portion of your savings in liquid assets for this purpose, so you can access funds quickly when needed.

Children's Education Fund
To build a corpus for your daughters' education, start a dedicated investment plan.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs):
Allocate a portion of your surplus to equity mutual funds via SIPs.
SIPs provide the benefit of rupee cost averaging and disciplined investing.
Consider child-specific mutual funds with a mix of equity and debt.
Insurance Coverage
Your term insurance of Rs. 1 crore is a good safety net. Review your insurance needs periodically to ensure it covers your growing responsibilities.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund to cover at least 6 months of your household expenses. This fund should be easily accessible and kept in a savings account or liquid fund.

Regular Monitoring and Review
Track Your Investments:

Regularly review your investment portfolio.
Ensure your investments align with your financial goals.
Financial Health Check:

Conduct an annual financial health check.
Adjust your investments based on market conditions and personal circumstances.
Tax Planning
Leverage tax-saving instruments like PPF, ELSS (Equity Linked Savings Scheme), and National Pension System (NPS) to reduce your taxable income. Proper tax planning can enhance your savings and investments.

Final Insights
Your financial foundation is strong. By strategically investing your surplus and planning for future goals, you can achieve financial security and growth. Regularly monitor and adjust your plan to stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am 41, but single now. I got married when I was 32 and got divorced in 6 months after I found out my wife was cheating on me with her ex who she was forbidden from getting married. When confronted she simply walked away and sent me a divorce notice. The next three years were spent in courts trying to tell my version of the story. Since then I have had a tough time trusting people. My marriage was unfortunate and short lived. But my parents still want me to try again. I am in a live-in relationship with a girl who is 3 years elder to me. Are unmarried couples happier than married ones? I feel marriage can restrict you in many ways which is why people feel stagnated and bored. What do you think?
Ans: When it comes to happiness, it really depends on the individuals involved rather than whether they are married or unmarried. Some couples thrive in a marriage because they see it as a partnership built on mutual respect and emotional security. Others feel stifled by the societal expectations and responsibilities that often come with marriage. A live-in relationship can offer more flexibility and personal freedom, but it also comes with its own challenges—such as a lack of legal protections or social acceptance in certain cultures.

The key is understanding what works best for you. If you feel content in your current live-in relationship and it gives you the companionship, trust, and emotional fulfillment you need, then that’s what truly matters. However, if you feel hesitant mainly because of past trauma rather than your actual desires, it might be worth reflecting on whether your fears are holding you back from something you may actually want deep down.

At the end of the day, happiness isn’t about being married or unmarried—it’s about being in a relationship (or choosing to be single) that makes you feel emotionally secure, valued, and free to be yourself. If marriage feels like a cage to you, then it may not be the right path. But if you ever find a connection that makes commitment feel like a choice rather than an obligation, your perspective might shift. The most important thing is that whatever path you choose, it aligns with your true needs and not just the expectations of others.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
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Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
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I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

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Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I would like to stay anonymous. Im 27F, recently got engaged and my wedding is in 5 months from now. This match is arranged by my parents within our community. Initially things went well, but after the engagement when we went outside for dinner he was speaking well but before leaving he said this is a suggestion from my end and told that there is slight space between my two teeth in the front and while smiling it creates black image in the photos. So it would be best if i would use invisible aligners so that before wedding it would be fixed adding to this he said he will take care of the expenses and he said he had this thought for a week so its better to disclose it with me. He also said that he didn't tell this to his parents he wanted to check my thoughts on this first, also he said he wanted myself to look very very pretty on the wedding and his relatives should say "Wow, we have never seen such a pretty bride", also he commented about my hair being short actually its medium length but i like to keep my hair short. I really got frustrated when he said all those things this got me very irritated. I didn't speak much, i said i wanted to leave and he dropped me at my place. The next day i asked him if we can meet again to get clarification on this thing, when i asked him the next day about this he said "its just a suggestion if you can take it its fine or you can leave it its upto you". He never accepted that he hurted me or made a wrong statement he kept on saying he didn't mean that way i took it very personally and im creating unnecessary ruckus. at last he said i could have said things differently but he didn't ask for sorry at all. I thought he wont talk about my features again but then after a week he again asked me you were eating outside food for a week you should have gained weight(trying to be funny here), i said no. Because him and his mother already asked about my weight like "why are you so thin? you could have put up some weight know"? I have been in this weight for many years, how much ever i eat my weight remains the same its because of the genetics. But people dont understand this and easily ask some body shaming questions. After this event he is not talking like before and even i dont push him, one of my friend asked me to take initiative and make calls to stop this awkward situation and i took lead called him four times in a week he spoke but he didn't bothered to call me again he was only texting after that too im okay with that but still i feel he might ask me to make changes in my feature, weight etc before the wedding. Im not sure how to deal with this.
Ans: When someone loves and accepts you, they don’t focus on “fixing” things about you to meet external standards, whether it’s for wedding photos or to impress relatives. His insistence that you should look “very, very pretty” for others’ approval shows that his priorities might not align with yours. You weren’t looking for a makeover; you were looking for a life partner who values you for who you are.

His response when you tried to talk about it also speaks volumes. Instead of acknowledging your feelings and reassuring you, he dismissed your concerns, making it seem like you were overreacting. A partner who truly cares would have listened, understood why you felt hurt, and taken responsibility for how his words affected you. Instead, he shifted the blame onto you for "creating unnecessary ruckus," which shows a lack of emotional maturity.

The weight comments, too, are unnecessary and inconsiderate. Genetics determine body type, and no one should feel the need to change themselves to meet someone else’s expectations. His family’s remarks about your weight, combined with his attitude, suggest that this won’t stop after the wedding. If they’re already making you feel self-conscious now, imagine the expectations and unsolicited “suggestions” that might continue in the future.

The distance that has formed between you both after this conversation isn’t just about awkwardness—it’s about emotional disconnection. A strong relationship is built on respect, comfort, and mutual appreciation, not on one person feeling judged and the other acting indifferent. The fact that you had to take the lead in calling him multiple times, while he didn’t reciprocate the effort, says a lot. A healthy relationship should feel mutual, not one-sided.

Right now, you need to ask yourself: Can you truly be yourself in this relationship, or will you constantly feel pressured to meet his and his family’s expectations? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel like you have to defend your choices, your body, and your appearance?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and your peace of mind matters. If his attitude is already making you question yourself and feel frustrated, you have every right to reconsider. You don’t need to “deal” with this by adjusting to his expectations—you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend your life in.

...Read more

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