I had given some 14.1 lakhs to one of my close relative of my wife (brother), for his settling of EMI (home loan, car loan & personal loan) during his layoff from work for about 6 months and also prior to that, when he initially had started purchasing the house, helping him with the pre-loan amount, dating back to three years. He is not returning the amount. This is causing distress to me mentally and is ruining my relationship with my wife. How to deal with and handle such financial matters among relations? Also advice me whether this is normal - to help someone in their times of need and they not returning the favour, even after repeated attempts. And how to deal with it?

Ans: Handling family financial matters needs care, clarity, and compassion. You have done a lot to support your brother-in-law. That shows your generosity. Now it’s affecting your peace and marriage. Let’s explore how to deal with this smartly, from all angles.

Understanding the Emotional Strain
Helping family feels right and heartwarming

But non-repayment leads to distrust and stress

This impacts mental peace and sleep quality

Also affects your relationship with your wife

Money mix with emotions can harm bonds

You may feel regret or resentment now

Recognising this stress is the first step

Accept your feelings as valid and real

Identifying Core Issues
Lack of formal agreement creates confusion

Absence of timeline lets things drag on

No repayment plan means money stays stuck

That can make resentment grow silently

Your wife may feel frustrated on your behalf

Her brother may be under financial pressure

Cultural norms may discourage written agreements

But written plans avoid misunderstandings

Reality is, relationships get tested around money

Establishing a Clear Repayment Dialogue
You need a calm, honest discussion with him.

Choose a good time when his mood is calm

Mention you value him and the family bond

Express how the situation affects your spouse

Use “I feel” statements to avoid blaming

Ask him about his financial plan to repay

Invite him to propose a repayment schedule

Keep tone respectful and collaborative

Suggest monthly instalments or lumpsum plan

Offer flexibility if genuine hardship exists

Document any agreed plan in writing

You are asking him kindly, not confronting angrily.

Building Accountability and Transparency
Once a plan is set, follow through.

Ask for a simple email or message agreement

Agree on monthly instalment dates and amounts

Put reminders on your phone or calendar

Each payment should be recorded by both

If payment misses, reach out respectfully

If delay continues, set a fresh conversation

Document everything to avoid confusion

This transparency supports trust and fairness.

Involving Your Wife Constructively
Your partner must feel included.

Share the plan with her calmly

Let her voice her concerns openly

Make joint decisions on follow-up actions

Avoid blaming or emotional pressure

Reassure her that you value trust

Work as a team in resolving this issue

Strong partnerships reduce financial stress

Seeking Mediation If Dialogue Fails
If repeated attempts fail, mediation may help.

Involve a respected family elder or neutral cousin

Ask them to facilitate a calm repayment talk

They can help him feel safe and respected

They can hold him accountable to your plan

Keep the discussion private and respectful

Avoid involving too many people at once

Mediation can restore balance without conflict

Learning for Future Family Lending
Let this be a learning opportunity.

Always have a written agreement if lending large amounts

Avoid mixing large funds without documentation

Treat it like a loan, even within family

Include repayment timeline and approach

Consider small interest, as formal contracts do

Avoid burdening emotions with money matters

Share your learnings openly with family

These simple practices save future stress and broken trust.

Dealing with Your Own Emotions
Take care of your mental and emotional health.

Take time out each day to unwind

Don’t blame yourself harshly

Speak to a friend or counselor if needed

Journaling your feelings can bring clarity

Focus on stress-free relationships

Financial peace needs emotional self-care

Looking after yourself strengthens your marriage.

Setting Boundaries Without Alienation
Boundaries are healthy and necessary.

Explain your limits kindly, not harshly

Be clear on what you can and cannot do now

Say “I cannot lend more until repayment starts”

Offer non-monetary support if genuine

This shows love with limits, not rejection

Boundaries preserve respect and reduce misuse

When Repayment Doesn’t Happen
Nobody can force anyone to pay back.

You can’t break the law if no document exists

Avoid hurting relationships over money

Decide a threshold where you stop trying

Accept that some money may be unrecoverable

Let forgiveness begin, even while you move on

Avoid gossiping or tarnishing reputations

This brings peace even if money is lost

Strengthening Your Financial Future
Use this experience to build resilience in money habits.

Treat family lending as a serious decision

Draw up agreements even for small amounts

Keep a family loan register or log

Use formal channels for repayments

Learn to say “no” with kindness

Practice ‘giving with boundaries’ always

Prioritize your peace over heroism

Finally
You acted from a place of love and support.
But money should not break your peace or marriage.
Set clear repayment plan with dignity and care.
Involve your wife in the process openly.
Use written reminders and gentle follow-up.
Consider mediation if needed.
Accept the loss if repayment fails but protect your bond.
Apply the lessons learnt for future family support.
Your relationship and mental well?being matter most.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment